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© 2018 John Heavern 2

S-7/21/18, Roads

 

Adventures down the interstate,

a long and winding country lane.

The city streets can simulate

a road to drive a man insane.

The many roads we contemplate

are similar but not the same.

 

Ch) Covered in gravel, covered in tar,

covered in metaphors coming ajar.

Roads to redemption, roads of regret,

roads that seem longer the further we get.

Roads are revealing and slippery when wet.

 

The profiteers who pay the tolls

to travel roads of great excess

are passing by their yielding souls

to park inside of selfishness.

No shouldering of guilt for goals

on roads that lead to happiness.

 

Ch) Covered in gravel, covered in tar,

covered in metaphors coming ajar.

Roads to redemption, roads of regret,

roads that seem longer the further we get.

Roads to forgiveness don´t always forget.

 

Br) Roads to reason, roads with curves,

bumpy roads, unsettled nerves.

Different modes of different roads

don´t always go where we deserve.

Sometimes the road less traveled

is the one that´s better served.

 

Ch) Covered in gravel, covered in tar,

covered in metaphors coming ajar.

Roads to redemption, roads of regret,

roads that seem longer the further we get.

Roads are the strings to our marionettes.

 

 

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Hi D

 

 

   Taking the road less traveled I see.(pardon the pun). Not sure if the plot gets too lost in the metaphors? I couldn't keep the train of thought on the plot with the mad dash of metaphors being continually bombarding every line. But over all, I thought it an interesting write.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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Hi, John! 

I like your style very much! 

I like that your words are nearly tactile ("Covered in gravel, covered in tar") and vivid.
Some beautiful rhymes.  
Lines are neat and convey some complete ideas.


I think that Jim's comments are reasonable, so maybe you should be moderate with metaphors and give more concrete things. 

Great job! Thank you for sharing! 

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Hi Deeptrope, 

          I liked this but I had the same situation as RNR Jim in trying to follow it. Metaphors are great but I think this is, to use your own words, covered in metaphors coming ajar.  For me it seems like you're trying to cover too much territory. 

            Verse 1 L 3 and 4 goes off on one tangent which turns into a dead end.  But most of the second verse seems to veer off into a tirade against capitalism.  Profiteers seemed out of place here. 

          You have plenty of great material here to use.  I particularly like your choruses and bridge.  I suggest some slight tweaking of the verses. 

 

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In general, using images both metaphorically and literally leads to a confused statement. V2 doesn't fit to me, I would rewrite. Stay focused on the character you started in V1, and weed out superfluous tangents,  IMO. 

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