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Onewholovesrock

Broken Man

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Update!!!

 Can you guys look at the last two chorus lines? I prefer the lines in parentheses. But not sure if switching away from “I” works or not? Thanks!!

 

V1

 I’m not who I think I am 

 Thought I was strong 

 Swallow all the shit I’m in (updated)

 Everything has turned out wrong 

 

Ch

 I need a helping hand 

 My heart is wrapped in bad

 I know I’m not this sad 

 But here I fucking am

 

I didn’t take a stand 

My head is packed with sand

I used to be so rad (might think of me as rad?)

I’m now a broken man (but I’m a broken man?)

 

V2

 I’m not where I oughtta be 

 Lost and alone 

 Leave behind no history 

 All I have are stupid songs 

 

Ch

 I need a helping hand 

 My heart is wrapped in bad

 I know I’m not that sad 

 But here I fucking am

 

 I didn’t take a stand

 My head is packed with sand 

 Might think of me as rad???

 But I’m a broken man????

 

Br

I need to find that place 

That place where I belong 

I belong 

 

I need to find my place 

My place where I belong 

I belong 

 

Chorus

 

 

 

 

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Hi Onewholovesrock,

 

I am also one who loved rock lol. I would love to hear the music you have behind the lyrics because I bet it is really good! As far as the lyrics go, I think you have a good starting point. I do feel that it’s missing something...maybe a nice metaphor running through the entire song or maybe a catchier phrase resognating in the chorus. Keeping the meaning behind the song vague is ok as long as it has one of those two components to it. IMHO. And I do feel that the lyrics are rather vague. It leaves me wondering what has turned out wrong (end of verse 1)? How did you end up lost and alone (second line of verse 2)?

 

I do like the flow of all the lines (which is probably why your music fits well with it). Your rhyme scheme is a little off on the verses. I noticed lines 2 and 4 rhyme in verse 1 and lines 1 and 3 rhyme in verse 2. 

 

Overall, you’ve got some great bones to work with and I think with a bit of tweaking, this could be a great song!

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Hi Joe

With a double-length chorus, I think you need a longer first verse. 

 

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I like the lyrics.  I know I'm just an old coot stuck in the past, but I didn't feel the F***G word was necessary to the lyrics.  You were telling the story very well without it.

 

And I'm sorry, but I guess I don't know the difference between a chorus and refrain.  Guess I'm not a "rocker" huh?  :)

 

Anyway, I have to agree in part with Mike.  The "Chorus" or "Refrain" does seem disjointed being twice the length of the verse.

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        If Mike's suggestion is right, and I agree with it, then you have to think about what more you want to say.  

         The pov is in pain. Not happy with the progress in his life toward achieving his dreams.  Thought he'd be in a different place by now. Looks at the transcience of life and wonders if anyone will have reason to remember him when he's gone. What is his legacy?  Is a legacy even important? 

          When did it fall apart? What's the backstory you have in your head?  I shouldn't have quit the band. Had it all right in my hand.  You blinked and you got old.  It would be easy to expound in the verses. 

            Another way of looking at it is the verse length is fine as is but you have two back to back variations of a chorus and you could use one of each. And then repeat one of the two after the bridge.   So 4 line alternating choruses, in other words. In that way you could keep the two verses as is. 

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I like this one JOe - to me, it's a simple rock lyric - no need for more words IMHO :)

A few minor suggs - keep or sweep:

 

On ‎14‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 09:50, Onewholovesrock said:

Swallowed all this bullshit <- I think you need more foul language (throughout) so the f-bomb doesn't stick out as much

 

On ‎14‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 09:50, Onewholovesrock said:

You might think of me as rad

But I'm a broken man

BTW - I esp like this line:

 

On ‎14‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 09:50, Onewholovesrock said:

But here I fucking am

Good one!

Paul

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On 14/09/2018 at 10:47, the_routine_scar said:

Hi Onewholovesrock,

 

I am also one who loved rock lol. I would love to hear the music you have behind the lyrics because I bet it is really good! As far as the lyrics go, I think you have a good starting point. I do feel that it’s missing something...maybe a nice metaphor running through the entire song or maybe a catchier phrase resognating in the chorus. Keeping the meaning behind the song vague is ok as long as it has one of those two components to it. IMHO. And I do feel that the lyrics are rather vague. It leaves me wondering what has turned out wrong (end of verse 1)? How did you end up lost and alone (second line of verse 2)?

 

I do like the flow of all the lines (which is probably why your music fits well with it). Your rhyme scheme is a little off on the verses. I noticed lines 2 and 4 rhyme in verse 1 and lines 1 and 3 rhyme in verse 2. 

 

Overall, you’ve got some great bones to work with and I think with a bit of tweaking, this could be a great song!

You said, “I am also one who loved rock” as if it’s in past tense? Do you not love rock anymore?

 Yeah maybe somewhat vague. But I think it’s just clear enough to understand the basics of it. Which will let it resonate with a larger audience interpreting it in their own way.

 Thanks for the heads up on the rhyme scheme problem! I fixed that with a line change. I don’t necessarily use perfect rhymes but words that match together in the way I present them. 

 Yes, let the tweaking begin! Thank for your time!

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On 14/09/2018 at 14:08, Mike B said:

Hi Joe

With a double-length chorus, I think you need a longer first verse. 

 

Thanks Mike. I will toy around with that idea. 

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22 hours ago, Jimpate said:

I like the lyrics.  I know I'm just an old coot stuck in the past, but I didn't feel the F***G word was necessary to the lyrics.  You were telling the story very well without it.

 

And I'm sorry, but I guess I don't know the difference between a chorus and refrain.  Guess I'm not a "rocker" huh?  :)

 

Anyway, I have to agree in part with Mike.  The "Chorus" or "Refrain" does seem disjointed being twice the length of the verse.

As of the swear word. It’s just kinda who I am. I probably swear to much in the real world. So that sometimes shows up in my songs because that’s actually how I communicate naturally. My mom dislikes it! But I learned that shit somewhere. 😜 I believe it’s a big part of the music I listen to also. I often notice how the musicians I listen to and their fans swear often in normal communication. It’s just the way people like me are programmed. 

 Refrain? This song has verses, chorus’s and a bridge. I don’t use the term “refrain” in my songs. I’m assuming that would be a bridge like part of a song? Maybe a quieter break or something? 

 I agree, on paper the verses might feel too short compared to the chorus. But when I perform the song I haven’t really noticed anything feeling off. I’ll pay more attention to that the next time I play around with this. 

 Thanks for the suggestions!!

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22 hours ago, kuya said:

        If Mike's suggestion is right, and I agree with it, then you have to think about what more you want to say.  

         The pov is in pain. Not happy with the progress in his life toward achieving his dreams.  Thought he'd be in a different place by now. Looks at the transcience of life and wonders if anyone will have reason to remember him when he's gone. What is his legacy?  Is a legacy even important? 

          When did it fall apart? What's the backstory you have in your head?  I shouldn't have quit the band. Had it all right in my hand.  You blinked and you got old.  It would be easy to expound in the verses. 

            Another way of looking at it is the verse length is fine as is but you have two back to back variations of a chorus and you could use one of each. And then repeat one of the two after the bridge.   So 4 line alternating choruses, in other words. In that way you could keep the two verses as is. 

Awesome critique as usual kuya!! 

 After reading your critique I’m thinking this isn’t as vague as some others mentioned. You nailed my thought process exactly! That’s what this song is exactly about. I actually think the verse lengths are good. But I’ll look harder into that when I get back to work on this. Yeah the chorus probably needs some adjustments between the 2 halves. I did play around with a backstory. I didn’t like the “exact” storyline when I tried it. I think keeping it more open is the way to go for this. Unless I can figure out a vague backstory. We’ll see I guess. 

Always looking forward to your suggestions as they often help me with my lyric writing! Thank you Thank You!!!!

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Hey Paul, 

 I think I like your thought process here. With a few adjustments I can probably call this done and move on. Otherwise I can dive into the many different ideas and turn this into a process. My last song Man Bun is still being tweaked as we speak. One of my most edited songs to date. Sometimes it’s a good idea to say, “good enough!” and move on. So that’s probably going to be the direction I take with this. A few chorus adjustments and call it good! 

As usual. Good suggestions and I look forward to your critiques. I wish I could return the favor but my lyric critique’s suck. 

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For the chorus, I think it might be better to move from the past to the present, and not mix up the timeline.  I also think a stronger contrast between the younger you and you now might be cool too.  Maybe something like this:

 

I used to be so rad

not afraid of breaking bad

to keep my head above the sand

and if need be, take a stand

 

I did it all without a plan

and with no one's helping hand

now here I fucking am

a pathetic broken man

 

Keep or sweep.

 

P.S.  Rogers is playing, YAY!  GO PACK GO!  :)

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25 minutes ago, HoboSage said:

For the chorus, I think it might be better to move from the past to the present, and not mix up the timeline.  I also think a stronger contrast between the younger you and you now might be cool too.  Maybe something like this:

 

I used to be so rad

not afraid of breaking bad

to keep my head above the sand

and if need be, take a stand

 

I did it all without a plan

and with no one's helping hand

now here I fucking am

a pathetic broken man

 

Keep or sweep.

 

P.S.  Rogers is playing, YAY!  GO PACK GO!  :)

Definitely great suggestions. I’d have to revamp the song but it might be worth it. Now you just created more work for me. Thanks! 😀

 Yep. Hopefully he’ll be getting rid of the ball quickly and letting the play makers do their thing. 

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Just new chorus ideas for reference????

 

I used to be so rad

Not afraid to take a stand 

Kept my head above the sand

Not a thought it’d get this bad

 

My heart is wrapped in bad

Never had that loving hand

Now here I fucking am

A sad and broken man

 

just ideas for now 💭 

Thoughts?

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On 16/09/2018 at 06:48, Onewholovesrock said:

You said, “I am also one who loved rock” as if it’s in past tense? Do you not love rock anymore?

 Yeah maybe somewhat vague. But I think it’s just clear enough to understand the basics of it. Which will let it resonate with a larger audience interpreting it in their own way.

 Thanks for the heads up on the rhyme scheme problem! I fixed that with a line change. I don’t necessarily use perfect rhymes but words that match together in the way I present them. 

 Yes, let the tweaking begin! Thank for your time!

Sorry that was a typo. I still love rock

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