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Willsx13

Talk to me

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Verse 1
You come in late again
Slam the cupboard door
What's wrong with you
You look so angry now
Don't you love us, anymore

Chorus 1
Talk to me, won't you please
Why won't you speak
I see the tears in your eyes
Just wanna see you, flash a smile
Just sit down, and talk to me
 

Verse 2
Your Mom looked through your purse
And you know what we found
I wanna know why
Can't you see you need help
Can't you see, how this hurts


Chorus 2
Talk to me, won't you please
I'll be here when you need
I can see the tears in your eyes
Just want to see you, flash a smile
Just sit down, and talk to me


Verse 3
Starting to come round
Happy to see, the drugs are gone
Your new start is now
Take it a day at a time
Keep thinking, there's no way back down


Chorus 3
Talk to me, won't you please
I'm here when you need
You just dry those eyes
Just wanna see you, flash a smile
Just sit down, and talk to me.

 

 




 

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33 minutes ago, Jimpate said:

Good!  I understand that story for sure.

 

 

It's not about me. Although I can relate to someone going through a difficult time, in adolescence .

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Hi Willsx

 

First on your section names - what you're calling a 'vetse' really reads more like a chorus, as it repeats 3 times, although you may want to get the 3rd one more in line with the other 2, just changing the last 2 lines works better than changing lyrical rhythms.  The 'extra' two lines in 3 could be the outro/finale lines.

Never heard the term 'Pre Hook' before!  Ther eis a 'PreCHorus' before the chorus (which you don't have in your labels).

As to content, your stanzas don't really build too much, they are essentially saying the same thing in slightly different ways. 'Talk to me' - as your title and hook, gets lost in the 2nd line of each 'verse'.

 

Lastly, about the style - 5 lines in a stanza gives a sense of instability, incompleteness, of 'wanting more'.  This can work - in places, but eventually the listener wants to hear a resolve - something that invokes stability.

 

Here's an easy example of how to make this verse (chorus) into a more stable thing, and put the hook first:

Talk to me, just sit down
Why won't you speak
You're not all alone
We're here for you,  you know

 

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I did not make up the word pre-hook.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pre-hook

Normally it precedes the chorus, although that's not what I did above.

I see what you mean about the 3rd verse, Mike. Just noticed I had six lyric lines, when I have five on the first two.

Thanks for pointing that out to me. :-)

I guess I'm having the issue again, of my song not being descriptive enough.

I like your chorus suggestion as well. I'll have to try that. Thanks!

 

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Hey Will,

 

I do agree with Mike. This song is hard for me to understand the structure (I’ve never heard of a pre-hook either!) I do think the verses sound more like a chorus as they are very repetitive. For me, the song doesn’t progress at all. It is vague and leaves me wondering what the full story is. I have provided an example below of maybe how you could give a little more explanation on the story. Keep or sweep. 

 

Verse1:

Just got a call from the school 

For truancy, she’s broken the rules

They say, if she misses another day

She won’t be able to graduate 

 

Pre-chorus:

You’ll always be my little girl 

And I love you more than the world

 

Chorus:

Just sit down and talk to me

I’m always here when you need

Just sit down and talk to me

It’s just you and me, so speak

 

 Verse2:

Just got a call from the police

For loitering, found her on the streets 

They say, if she continues this way

She will get locked away

 

 

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19 hours ago, Willsx13 said:

I did not make up the word pre-hook.
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pre-hook
 

That's a pretty empty wiki page!   We call that section of a song 'prechorus' (if it indeed precedes the chorus).  The hook may or may not be in the chorus, of course, and your lyric didn't have a chorus!

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2 hours ago, Mike B said:

That's a pretty empty wiki page!   We call that section of a song 'prechorus' (if it indeed precedes the chorus).  The hook may or may not be in the chorus, of course, and your lyric didn't have a chorus!

I first found the term pre-hook in John Braheny's book"The craft and business of songwriting".  It is a pre-chorus.
Also called a lift, setup or climb.

The song needs work, and I won't say that it doesn't. Just need to so some tweaking, here and there.
And I'm also paying attention to what you guys are posting, as well.

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Hi Willsx13

 

I like this - it's personal so it has a greater impact than some generic preachiness we sometimes see.

I really like the chorus - it's what I call a hook sandwich (you won't find that in a wiki page :lol:) - because it opens and closes with the hook.

The only two nits I have are -

 - the genre - I don't think pop will work unless it's a friend, not a parent as the POV. So what genre would you suggest?
 - I would suggest leaving the "Mom" and "we" parts out and keep the conversation between just the two people.

Feel free to ignore me :)
Paul

 

 

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Will,

 

Excellent re-write! You paint a good picture of what’s going on with this girl without going into too much detail. I am also interested in the genre you were thinking. The chorus has a nice catchy flow to it and I could actually see this falling into a pop-country genre. 

 

Good job!

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11 minutes ago, the_routine_scar said:

Will,

 

Excellent re-write! You paint a good picture of what’s going on with this girl without going into too much detail. I am also interested in the genre you were thinking. The chorus has a nice catchy flow to it and I could actually see this falling into a pop-country genre. 

 

Good job!

Thank you, TRS! 🙂
Pop country is where I see this tune fitting in.

I noticed the same issue of my songs not being descriptive enough. Once I got the melody in my head,
then I'd write whatever I could, just as long as the lyrics and rhyme fit with the melody I'd be thinking of.

Prior to coming back to muses songwriting board, I hadn't realized how much I left out, of

the lyrics I wrote. Thought maybe the melody would make up for what I didn't include in it.
Boy, was I wrong! lol

I'm learning from others here, and I appreciate it.

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1 hour ago, PaulCanuck said:

Hi Willsx13

 

I like this - it's personal so it has a greater impact than some generic preachiness we sometimes see.

I really like the chorus - it's what I call a hook sandwich (you won't find that in a wiki page :lol:) - because it opens and closes with the hook.

The only two nits I have are -

 - the genre - I don't think pop will work unless it's a friend, not a parent as the POV. So what genre would you suggest?
 - I would suggest leaving the "Mom" and "we" parts out and keep the conversation between just the two people.

Feel free to ignore me :)
Paul

 

Thanks a lot, Paul! 🙂

Pop or country is where I see it fitting.
It is personal, to a degree. I had my difficult times growing up. The problem wasn't with drugs however.
I took a bit of my own personal history, and added a fictional story, to make up the theme.

I'd never ignore ya. lol

I could change the lyrics to make it a concerned friend, instead of it being parents
of a teenager. But we know there are a lot of Moms and Dads out there, who
are worried sick about their kids. Even so, I'm not against making a change
if it will improve the song.
 

 

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Hi

I think the language is generally conversational and very good. I thought the story was a bit obvious or too quickly told.

And there is an issue of the last chorus doesn't work with the last verse.

In addition the language in the chorus is "do this do that" in an exasperated tone, and that's really not the thing in this situation.

 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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