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Just came back from 5 days in Garrison New York, across the river from West Point Military Acadamy, attending "Writing a Song That Matters.

 

It is hosted by Dar Williams,

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dar_Williams

https://www.darwilliams.com/

 

 

who I believe is one of the top singer songwriters going. Got to workshop and play several songs and collaborated with some awesome musicians and interacted with about 50 attendees and organizers and work shop leaders that included Suzze Roche ==one of the Roche Sisters

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzzy_Roche

 

Heather Maloney
http://www.heathermaloney.com/

 

Rick and Michelle Gedny

 

I brought a song for vocal coaching and several lyrics from which I chose among workshops. The Garrison Institute was a christian monastery and is now a buddhist operated retreat conferance center on The Hudson River. Totally vegetarian which was challenging but easily adopted once I made up my mind to not mind 

 

Great experience. Here is the workshopped version of my July lyric entry

 

Was workshopped with Raquel Vidal 

http://raquel-vidal-7vdb.squarespace.com/about/

 

 

 

Let the heavens rain on me

©2018 John Voorpostel

 

My window panes are dark on this summer afternoon

Cats and dogs are gathering into rivulets and pools

I am tempted to lie down, feel my skin against the ground

And face the rains, like all my flowers do

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 

I guess I’m just addicted to the essence of growth

Like water and sunlight and dark rich loam

I celebrate each morning with the flowers in my garden,

And feel the rains with all the seeds I’ve sown

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 

Please don’t tell my garden that I love the sunflowers best

They lord it over lavender, they’re taller than the rest

And they’re first to catch the scattered drops of rain

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

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John - SO MUCH better! Effortless read and meaning. You learned some things, didn't ya? These things aren't cheap. Well done. Of course, we'll be looking at your next lyric...

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I love the first verse the best and the rest is cool too

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Thanks for looking in AMK. Yeah, costs some money but affordable for an older geezer with kids launched.

 

I brought some songs down to workshop. One for the vocal lesson because it has lots of melody movement and words and I could not get into my higher register, so need help to get my voice wrapped around it. I could do it by changing keys, but I did like its original key so looked for the tools I needed to sing it.  Other I brought to workshop the lyric and the song, and there was great feedback to improve them.

 

I also had 15 minutes with Dar which was really cool, Told her it was a love song and after she heard it she said no,,,it was an invitation...then she pointed out why, and two lines that veered away from "the invitation".  Made so much sense. 

 

Location was cool too. On the Hudson River across from West Point...so high hills\small mountains line the shore in that area...in a converted monastery. A great spece and grounds.

 

 

Hi Mick...thanks too for checking this out. Glad you liked it. Kinda proud of it myself now :)

 

 

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HI John, a friend went to that class, too, Wendy.

 

I don't remember your initial version, I find your verse lines a little long, but I'm in more of a word conservation mode these days.

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Initial version is posted in the July LOM where it placed down the list. Probably mostly because of repetition  of lines in the chorus, Someone did give me a 1 which was way cool. 

 

And yes Wendy is one of those talented people I was talking about that made the retreat what it was. We are now facebook friends and Darlings as "retreat graduates"  are called. We are also members of a private facebook group. 

 

You might consider going next year. There were lots of folks from within reasonable driving distance

 

 

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Way out of my price range!

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Hi John, 

       I liked this entry  in the contest and I like this newer version now.  Much stronger lyric. Pardon me for posting both together so I can see the changes more clearly.

        I could certainly benefit by taking one / some of those classes. I bet it was fun to be around other writers like yourself, let alone the teachers.  

H

 

Let the heavens rain on me 

©2018 John Voorpostel

 

My window panes are dark on this summer afternoon

Cats and dogs are gathering into rivulets and pools 

I am tempted to lie down, feel my skin against the ground

And face the rains, like all my flowers do

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 

I guess I’m just addicted to the essence of growth

Like water and sunlight and dark rich loam

I celebrate each morning with the flowers in my garden, 

And feel the rains with all the seeds I’ve sown

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 

Please don’t tell my garden that I love the sunflowers best

They lord it over lavender, they’re taller than the rest

And they’re first to catch the scattered drops of rain 

 

 

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

So let the heavens set me free

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 

 

Let The Heavens Rain        (Contest entry version)

 

My window panes are dark on this summer afternoon

Cats and dogs are gathering into rivulets and pools

I am tempted to lay down, feel my skin against the ground

And face the rains, like all my flower do

  

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

And that lets the heavens set me free

Yeah the heavens' rains set me free

So let the heavens rain on me

Let the heavens rain on me

  

I guess I'm just addicted to the essence of growth

Like water and sunlight and dark rich loam

I celebrate each morning with the flowers in my garden,

And face the rains with all the seeds I've sown

 

 Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

And that lets the heavens set me free

Yeah the heavens' rains set me free

So let the heavens rain on me

Let the heavens rain on me

 

 I don't tell my garden, but I love the sunflowers best

They lord it over lavender, they're taller than the rest

And they're first to catch the scattered drops of rain

  

Sometimes the heavens open up

And rain all over me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set the heavens free

And that lets the heavens set me free

Yeah the heavens' rains set me free

So let the heavens rain on me

Let the heavens rain on me

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Wow! 

I love it. 

 

I prefer, 
Don’t tell me that I like the (selfish?) sunflowers best

They lord it over lavender, they’re taller than the rest

And they’re first to catch the scattered drops of rain 

 

:)

 

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Hi John

 

Full disclosure - I gave this a 3.0 in the contest.

Looking at your workshop version, I see it still has the nits that caused me to hold back a better score at the time:

 

- firstly lyrics about the weather are time-wearied IMHO (though I have written a few myself :))

- using the word "rain" in the verses dilutes its effect in the choruses

- speaking of the chorus:

      - the word "heaven" is overused IMO and it's robbing attention from your hook. By the time we get to the hook, which is supposed to be a powerful message we will remember, heaven has been used in all sorts of ways, so the hook line seems tacked on the end. I would suggest not using rain or heaven until the hook line, and repeating the hook line itself more often - sth like:

 

On ‎11‎/‎08‎/‎2018 at 02:14, John Voorpostel said:

Sometimes the sky will open up

And spill a shower on me

Nothing like a summer squall

To set my garden free

So wash my soul until it's whole

Let the heavens rain on me

Let the heavens rain on me

 

All of the above of course can be ignored at will. :lol:

 

POST EDIT: Just realized this sounds too negative - I really liked how the verses flowed and the imagery there, and I love the title/hook :) There - now it's more like a worm sandwich critique.

 

Paul

 

 

 

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Hi Kuya..makes sense to see them comparatively. Yes it was awesome to be there. In a converted monastery with interesting spaces for the workshops. And yes. Not only the "staff" but attendees two were so talented. Definitely a special vacation. Some had come back year after year. One who had started at age 13 coming with her mother turned 18 during the week. At night after wine and ice cream and fruit n mingling attendees who want to meet in the med hall to listen and play. I complained saying that I'd never heard Dar play "Party Generation"  in concert, and that it was that particular song that turned me on to her. So this young woman led us all in a great version of it. Seems she learned to play guitar playing Dar songs. But so many others too, so much talent. From Berklee grads to beginners, they all contributed in workshops, the larger circles, and because you eat together and do things together you get to know them as real people.  

 

Thanks for the alternate take Ashfi. We talked about that line and you definitely have a slant that works. In the end its a preference to be like I'm talking behind their backs. Had also considered an inference in "They'd lord that" but preferred to keep it as lording over\standing over ...but here it is 

 

Please don’t tell my garden that I love the sunflowers best

They’d lord that over lavender, they’re taller than the rest

And they’re first to catch the scattered drops of rain

 

 

It's not about rain but the garden and my relationship with it Paul, admittedly in between all that rain :) And hey a 3 is above average..I'll take that. There was some awesome writing this month..and deserving winners. Shout out to Short Order Cook and his Crows of Wheelock Park,

 

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