Jump to content
Maia Knight

You can't, I can't (edited 06/13/18)

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

Thank you guys for all of your feedback so far, it has been very useful, I really appreciate it. In a previous version of this post the title of this song was "You can't, I can't," after getting feedback I have changed it to "Forbidden Crush Song." I am still working on incorporating all of your feedback into the new version but I wanted to show you what I had now. I have cut it down quite a bit and included a link of me singing it (the singing isn't great) so you can get a feel for the rhythm I am going for.  

 

https://soundcloud.com/maiak12/forbidden-crush/s-QPB5H

 

Forbidden Crush Song

 

I stood there, I saw you across the room -> I stand here, I see you across the room

I try my best to play it cool, act natural

Your words, the look in your eyes, they play in my mind 

I just don’t know what to do -> I am hypnotized by you  

 

This is immoral  -> This ain't a love song

This is so wrong -> More like forbidden crush song

I aint a party girl, I’m just a sporty girl, so why do I feel so mixed up?

 

Chorus:

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me,

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But you can’t and I can’t 

What would that say about you? 

So here i am, crying while writing bout you

 

You stand there, you see me across the room

You smile and approach me, tread lightly

“Oh hey! How are you doing? It’s been so long, since we got to talk”

I really love you

*things are great! how are you?* (spoken) 

 

This is aint a love song

More like forbidden crush song

This is what I’d want you to know

 

Chorus: 

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But you can’t and I can’t 

What would that say about you? 

So here i am, crying while writing bout you

 

I leave town, try to begin again

I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you  -> Wrapped up in life, you slip out of mind

Time goes on, I almost forget about you

I stand here, I spot you across the street, you don’t see me

I smile and approach you, be normal

“Hey you! Oh my god it’s you! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in so long

I hold my breath, I feel my heart race, it’s been awhile since I felt like this 

“It’s been forever, can we go for coffee or something?

To catch up, after all this time” 

 

This is a love song 

Ain’t a forbidden crush song

This is what I thought about years ago

 

Chorus:

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

Now you can and I can 

We finally got our chance

So here I am, smiling while writing bout you

So here I am, smiling while writing bout you

 

( or alternatively this lyric instead of the last chorus 

 

This is a love song 

Ain’t a forbidden crush song

Years ago I thought I wanted you to 

 

Chorus:

Come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But it turns out, your offer 

Is much better than I could ever ask 

It was worth the wait, you were worth the wait

We finally got our chance

So here I am, smiling while writing bout you 

So here I am, crying while writing bout you

)

Edited by Maia Knight
Updated lyrics

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Maia, welcome to the Muse!

 

First off, I'll tell you that this doesn't read much like a country song, more like a pop song to me.  Country songs tend to have a fairly 'regular' rhyme structure, your lyrics have no rhyming at all.  Of course, the music can make or break any rhyme or no-rhyme lyric.

I don't think 'You Can't. I Can't' or any form of that is particularly good title - the line itself is buried in the middle of the chorus (and not even in the final chorus) and its not clear hey either 'can't' - specially when the bridge (?) has them getting together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this needs a little work. The most singable part (to me) is the chorus (1st two lines) and it sounds like a pop tune (in my head).  If the intention is to go country, you'll need descriptive imagery. Couldn't hurt to create some sort of consistent story too.

What you've got is vague and somewhat general. A girl goes to what sounds like a club of some sort and sees a guy she knows or knew at some point in her past  across the room she is interested in and he's looking at her and she's wishing he'd make a move on her.  Chorus focused in on her desire.  Then the guy makes a move towards her and I think but I'm not sure, that this is the point of view's imagination and wishful thinking fantasizing as the night progresses. Again, I'm not certain of that. This is a love song part, a forbidden crush, something she thought about years ago, was a little confusing mixed in to everything else.  Then she (the point of view) leaves town and eventually sees this guy again and fantasizes or has wishful thinking all over again?  Is that right? or Is this actually happening?

What would help is to fill in the time gap with some detail if you're going for country. If they knew each other perhaps a bridge can explain a past, otherwise girl meets guy,  is shy to approach him and develop things from there with where this is going and how you want it to turn out. 

Why is this a forbidden love song?  Because she realizes this isn't the guy?  It's all vague in my mind or at the least fairly general and I would like a little detail or clarification to "feel" something.  Title: I can't,  You can't. No go. Work on developing this a bit more and perhaps a title will surface as well. 

 

Feel free to lose my thoughts if you disagree, as it is yours and my comments and suggestions are only meant as food for thought.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Maia Knight said:

This lyric is intended to be country. I am looking for any type of feedback you may have, I just really want to improve my writing and this song. My first thing is the name of the lyric, I have been debating about whether it should be "You can't, I can't" or "A forbidden love song" for now I seem to have settled on the former. What do you guys think? For the last chorus, I wrote two different versions of it, I'm not sure which I like better, I've also thought about including both?

 

You can't, I can't 

 

I stood there, I saw you across the room

I try my best to play it cool, act natural

Your words, the look in your eyes, they play in my mind 

I just don’t know what to do..........Not a very good v1 start.  You need something like: I stole some looks at you across the room, Butterflies floating in my stomach, I'm throwing out a hook, Wishing you catch one of my looks.

 

This is immoral....I don't get what is immoral

This is so wrong...........Why is it wrong? 

I aint a party girl, I’m just a sporty girl, so why do I feel so mixed up?..........Is there a difference between a party and sporty girl? 

 

Chorus:

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me,

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But you can’t and I can’t 

What would that say about you? 

So here i am, crying while writing bout you.........I don't get this ch at all.

 

You stand there, you see me across the room

You smile and approach me, tread lightly

“Oh hey! How are you doing? It’s been so long, since we got to talk”

I really love you

*things are great! how are you?* (spoken) 

 

This is aint a love song.................This line makes no sense. 

More like forbidden crush song

This is what I’d want you to know

 

Chorus: 

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But you can’t and I can’t 

What would that say about you? 

So here i am, crying while writing bout you

 

I leave town, try to begin again

I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you

Time goes on, I almost forget about you

I stand here, I spot you across the street, you don’t see me

I smile and approach you, be normal

“Hey you! Oh my god it’s you! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in so long”

I hold my breath, I feel my heart race, it’s been awhile since I felt like this 

“It’s been forever, can we go for coffee or something? To catch up, after all this time” 

 

This is a love song 

Ain’t a forbidden crush song

This is what I thought about years ago

 

Chorus:

I want you to come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

Now you can and I can 

We finally got our chance

So here i am, smiling while writing bout you

 

( or alternatively this lyric instead of the last chorus 

 

This is a love song 

Ain’t a forbidden crush song

Years ago I thought I wanted you to 

 

Chorus:

Come here and kiss me and say that you love me

I’d melt in your arms, the world around us would disappear 

But it turns out, your offer 

Is much better than I could ever ask 

It was worth the wait, you were worth the wait

We finally got our chance

So here I am, smiling while writing bout you 

So here I am, crying while writing bout you

)

 

(potentially we could include both of them back to back, maybe that would be too repetitive what do you guys think?) 

Look, this just goes on much to long with no real story or - it goes nowhere really fast.  I think you need to focus on a story line. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't, I can't 

I saw you from across the room 
I try my best to be cool 
The look of your eyes, played on my mind 
And I became hipnopzined

This is so crazy
I feel like a fool
I not out for a fling, I’m a go by the rules girl
I want you to kiss me and say you love me, 

I want to melt in your arms 
But you can’t and I can’t
Because it would be wrong 
You're married and so am I
You can't, I can't
You're married to Mary I'm married to John

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It would be a good idea for you to google some of your favorite country songs and have a look at the lyrics.  You'll probably find that:

 

1) They all have a strong rhyming scheme.  Yours does not.

2) They have a consistent tense... the lyric is in the past, the present, or the future, but not in all three.  Your lyric jumps around in time which makes it hard to follow.

3) Many will have a story line: a beginning, a middle, and an end... just like a short story.  Yours has no real story.

4) The language is consistent, meaning if the singer sounds "country" in one verse, he or she cannot sound like a city slicker in the next.  Throwing the word "ain't" into this lyric does not make it a country song.

5) They will likely use images to describe things, rather than just coming right out and saying it.

 

Once you've really, really studied what makes a lyric work... try again.

 

Good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×