Jump to content

Recommended Posts

       Very quiet here in lyric feedback postings, so I'm takng advantage of the lull. I wrote this yesterday morning. I hear it in a similar tempo and mood to I'm On Fire by Springsteen. I mean I don't hear it like that. No. That would be plagiarism. It's a song about a coward. 

 

Gone gone gone  revised

 

I'd say its nearly morning  I can hear the roosters crow

As good a time as any  think its time for me to go

And I'll be gone gone gone

 

I'll tiptoe out the back door without making any sound

I'll try to make my great escape while there ain't a soul around

 So I'll be gone gone gone

 

I didn't try to use you 

And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you 

Though a better man he would

I never made no promises

Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

Guess I'll push my trusty Sportster down the road a little while

When I kicked her over it would always make you smile

And then I'm gone gone gone

 

Yeah I don't care much for drama  I don't want a great big scene

Tell them that you kicked me out and I'm sorry this seems mean 

Cuz im gone gone gone

 

I didn't try to use you 

And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you 

Though a better man he would

I never made no promises

Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

Theres still plenty of time for making plans  BR

A house some kids some other man

I hope that you can understand

I know this isn't what you planned 

 

I didn't try to use you  and we both knew that I could

I never said i love you though a better man he would

I never made no promises cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Gone, gone,  gone  original copy

 

I'd say its nearly morning I can hear the roosters crow

As good a time as any Think its time for me to go

Now I'm gone,gone, gone

 

I'll tiptoe out the back door Without making any sound

I'll try to make my great escape While there ain't a soul around

Now im gone, gone, gone

 

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone, gone, gone

 

Guess I'll push my Sportster Down the road a little while

When I would kick her over It would always make you smile

Now im gone,gone, gone

 

Yeah I don't care much for drama I don't want a great big scene

Tell them that you kicked me out  And I'm sorry this seems mean 

Now im gone, gone, gone

 

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone, gone, gone

 

Theres still plenty of time for making plans  BR

A house some kids some other man

I hope that you can understand

I know this isn't what you planned 

Now  I'm gone, gone, gone 

 

I didn't try to use you And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone, gone, gone

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like this 👍 

flowed along well and had my own little melody going 🙂🎼

 

Bailey 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

I like the song, 

I loved - I’m bad at making good 

all the best

Mike

 

 

 

 

 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey kuya - well you're on fire lately :)

Stop it! - you're making the rest of us look bad! :)

 

Only thing I'd suggest is, replace "now" every time the hook appears:

 

So I'm gone...

'Cause I'm gone

I'll be gone...

etc

 

To me if you did that it would complete the sentence before it and flow even better.

Oh, and leave the hook out of the bridge - then it's welcomed when it comes back home.

 

My 2 cents CAD

Paul

 

 

 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, kuya said:

Gone gone gone

 

I'd say its nearly morning I can hear the roosters crow

As good a time as any Think its time for me to go 

Good opening lines here, sets the tempo and flow well

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

I'll tiptoe out the back door Without making any sound

I'll try to make my great escape While there ain't a soul around

Now im gone gone gone

 

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good   Is "no" needed here?

Now I'm gone gone gone

I'm trying to work out the structure here based on the line count - is it Ch1, V1, Ch2, V2, V3, Ch2, Bridge, Ch2?

 (ch2 are repeated chorus, ch1 is unique)

 

Guess I'll push my Sportster Down the road a little while  maybe consider "...a little..." => "...for a..."

When I would kick her over It would always make you smile    Maybe "When I kicked her over...." - smoother?

Now im gone gone gone

Be interesting to see how the "gone x3" after every section work in practice in a song - just reading through they get a bit wearing to my ear. Not sure they really work all that well or develop the lyric that much. Maybe you could consider either having them in either the verse or the Chorus?

 

Yeah I don't care much for drama I don't want a great big scene

Tell them that you kicked me out  And I'm sorry this seems mean 

Now im gone gone gone

(sorry - pressed the C/R by mistake here!)

21 hours ago, kuya said:

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

Theres still plenty of time for making plans  BR

A house some kids some other man

I hope that you can understand

I know this isn't what you planned 

Now  I'm gone gone gone 

 

I didn't try to use you And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

Pretty good start here for a 1st draft. Flows well and some good ideas/images in the lines. 

Maybe the repetition of the "gone, gone, gone" gets a bit much? 

 

Enjoyed the read Kuya :) 

 

Andy

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, kuya said:

       Very quiet here in lyric feedback postings, so I'm takng advantage of the lull. I wrote this yesterday morning. I hear it in a similar tempo and mood to I'm On Fire by Springsteen. I mean I don't hear it like that. No. That would be plagiarism. It's a song about a coward. 

 

Gone gone gone

 

I'd say its nearly morning I can hear the roosters crow

As good a time as any Think its time for me to go

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

I'll tiptoe out the back door Without making any sound........tiptoeing means to avoid making a sound.  Maybe rework this line.

I'll try to make my great escape While there ain't a soul around......Doesn't make sense, you are obviously trying to leave while she is still sleeping.

Now im gone gone gone................I would tie these 2 v's together to make one v and eliminate one of the gone gone gone lines.

 

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could........I'm perplexed by this line - why would she know you could use her? 

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would.....oh, ok.  Maybe reverse these 2 lines.

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

Guess I'll push my Sportster Down the road a little while.......while doesn't sound right - maybe: the road a little way

When I would kick her over It would always make you smile.........I don't get the connection with starting it and her smiling and pushing the sportster.

Now im gone gone gone

 

Yeah I don't care much for drama I don't want a great big scene

Tell them that you kicked me out  And I'm sorry this seems mean ........Hard line to spit out.

Now im gone gone gone

 

I didn't try to use you  And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you  Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

 

Theres still plenty of time for making plans  BR

A house some kids some other man

I hope that you can understand

I know this isn't what you planned 

Now  I'm gone gone gone 

 

I didn't try to use you And we both knew that I could

I never said i love you Though a better man he would

I never made no promises Cuz i'm bad at making good

Now I'm gone gone gone

I'm curious as to why you capitalize the second half of each line in the v's and ch but not the br. So, you're just a one nighter breaking hearts. 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for the comments. 

         I'm studying your suggestions. I'll be making changes later today.  

 

Barney  if you can picture the guy being shacked up with the woman for a period of time in her place. Maybe in a trailer or an apartment. Several months. She's starting to talk about the future like it's a more permanent situation. He obviously cares about her but doesn't want a future. So he decides the easiest thing to do is just sneak off without saying goodbye. He definitely doesn't want to meet any neighbors outside.  "Hey, hi! You're up early. Where are you off to?"  Or maybe he doesn't want to wake her kids? 

       Most relationships are not equal. Usually one is more invested than the other. So he could easily have taken advantage of her even more than maybe he did. Maybe he's a user and she's a soft touch but for some reason he held back with her, and didn't borrow money or credit cards. She enjoyed riding on the bike, but if he kicks it over just outside it will wake her up and they'll have the scene he's trying to avoid.  He's not the greatest guy in the world but he's not the worst either. Flawed. 

 

Andy It's V V Ch VV Ch Br Ch

        

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I love the rhythm of this song, overall I think this is really well written. I have one suggestion though, on the gone line what would it sound like if you wrote, "Now I'm gone. Gone, Gone, Gone. Instead of just the 3 gone's repeated? 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It' early morning I can hear a rooster crow 
Think its time for me to leave
To be gone gone gone 
Time for me to say goodbye 
Because I can't take any more 
I'm gone gone gone 

I tried to make it work, but it didn't work out 
I never said I love you, but neither did you
I never made no promises Cuz I'm not good at that
Now I'm gone gone gone 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×