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Mike B

Diamond in the Rough update 6-22-18

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UPDATE 6-22-18, after feedback from my songwriter circle:

 

Diamond in the Rough

 

V1

Diamond sparkles from the waves

On the rough sunlit sea

The wind whips at her long hair

Standing on the lonely beach

A night at the bar

She finds it hard

To voice all the conflicts inside

She joins the noise

But never one of the boys

It’s her loneliness she’s trying to hide

 

Ch

She’s all sharp edges, they will cut

A hidden treasure you can’t touch

Her every facet, shines with love

She’s a diamond in the rough

 

V2

Diamond flashes from her eyes

Whenever she smiles

She’s got a potential inside

For an unmatched style

Sometimes at night

Under moonlight

The hardness fades away

A softness revealed

Usually concealed

Disappears the very next day

 

Ch.

 

(Instrumental)

 

Sometimes at night

Under moonlight

The diamond hardness fades away

A softness revealed

That’s usually concealed

But returns the very next day

 

Ch

 

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one is kind of a 'quickie', need a song for the upcoming songwriter circle on Saturday, and been too busy for the last month for any serious writing.  Getting some ideas on arrangement - like an instrumental verse after the 2nd chorus, then repeating the last 6 lines of verse 2 as a slower finger-played bridge before a final chorus and outro, but it could just be a throwaway, too.

 

Any thoughts/ideas for changes are appreciated!

 

Diamond in the Rough

 

V1

Diamond sparkles from the waves

On the rough sunlit sea

She laughs and uses curse words

Make a sailor blush to the knee

At the port bar

With all the old salts

She can drink them under the table

And if there’s a fight

On Saturday night

She’s likely to make things fatal

 

Ch

She’s all sharp edges, but they don’t cut

A hidden treasure you just can’t touch

Her every facet, shining with love

She’s a diamond in the rough

 

V2

Diamond flashes from her eyes

Whenever she smiles

An unwanted hand will leave you

Unconscious for a while

Sometimes at night

Under moonlight

The diamond hardness fades away

A softness revealed

That’s usually concealed

But returns the very next day

 

Ch.

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I really like the verses and I know where you’re going with the chorus but I don’t think it works I think it lets down the verses

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Good hook/idea Mike.

I think the chorus could be pared a bit, unless you need the syllables:

 

3 hours ago, Mike B said:

She’s all sharp edges, man, they cut

A hidden treasure you can’t touch

Her every facet, shines with love

She’s a diamond in the rough <- great hook - great position - well set up :lol:

Paul

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Thanks for the chorus suggestions, Paul, the first line I'm using 'they will cut'.

Not happy with verse 1 after the first 2 lines, though.  Going to see what my songwriter circle says on Saturday.

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On 12/06/2018 at 20:11, Mike B said:

Make a sailor blush to the knee

The only thing I could think off was this line. Minor change - Could make a sailor blush to the knee... I just think it'd flow bette

Otherwise - i really love this!

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Update, took this to songwriter circle last Saturday, and the consensus was that the words clashed with the beautiful melody.  Here's version 2.0:

 

Diamond in the Rough

 

V1

Diamond sparkles from the waves

On the rough sunlit sea

The wind whips at her long hair

Standing on the lonely beach

A night at the bar

She finds it hard

To voice all the conflicts inside

She joins the noise

But never one of the boys

It’s her loneliness she’s trying to hide

 

Ch

She’s all sharp edges, they will cut

A hidden treasure you can’t touch

Her every facet, shines with love

She’s a diamond in the rough

 

V2

Diamond flashes from her eyes

Whenever she smiles

She’s got a potential inside

For an unmatched style

Sometimes at night

Under moonlight

The hardness fades away

A softness revealed

Usually concealed

Disappears the very next day

 

Ch.

 

(Instrumental)

 

Sometimes at night

Under moonlight

The diamond hardness fades away

A softness revealed

That’s usually concealed

But returns the very next day

 

Ch

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