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A Drunkard's Lullabye
Music & Lyrics by David S. Becker

(c)2018 David S. Becker Music

All Rights Reserved

 

Thanks for any feedback you can offer on my newest write and recording
 



INTRO
VERSE 1

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw
Something I've never ever seen before
Her long blonde hair so wild and free
Well like a dream she serenaded me

PRE-CHORUS
And then the lights came on
And I finished my beer
That image in my mind
Would never re-appear
And then the bartender asked me
Where had I been
Don't give it any mind
Just pour me some Gin

CHORUS
A drunkard's lullabye
A songbird sang
She made me cry
A voice as smoothe
As Gin on ice
A drunkard's lullabye

VERSE 2
She sang to me of hopeful days
And how sometimes in life we lose our way
And like a kids first time in a candy store
I took it all in and I craved for more

PRE-CHORUS
Then the lights came on
And I opened my eyes
The bartender said
My credits run dry
Two bouncers came by
They grabbed me by the shirt
They kicked me to the curb
And then they threw me in the dirt

CHORUS
MUSICAL BREAK

PRE-CHORUS
Well the lights came on
I hopped in a cab
I got to the house
And the Mrs. was mad
I jumped into bed
Trying to dream of my muse
I woke in the morning
And I bought some more booze

CHORUS

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Hi,

I am for this song it sounds good and I like the lyric but it is 4 minutes 10 seconds and to me when listening to seems longer (I don't know) maybe the tempo is too slow. Everything else to me sounds well.

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Thx for the listen and comments Irwin.  Much appreciated.

 

Dave

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Hi G

 

  I had to listen to this twice to make sure my first initial feeling was correct. The chorus feels too much like the verse. Especially since the pre-chorus picked up alot of steam. I was maybe expecting the chorus to be shorter as well. But yeah, something about having the chorus with the same feel as the verses took away from the build up of the pre-chorus . Plus the drop off after the sax solo was a good idea, but it seemed awkward how you arranged it.

   As far as the lyrics, well done up until the last pre-chorus...you felt less empathetic towards the character knowing he had a wife waiting at home. So over all, I liked the arranging and chord washes going on and the pre-chorus had a Bruce Springsteen drive or feel to it which was a plus. But the chorus and last pre-chorus were the songs detractors. Things a little rewrite can fix.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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Thx much Jim for the listen and comments.  I was going for more dynamics in this one, thus the ups and downs.  Maybe too much though.  Agree the sax transition into the last pre-chorus seemed awkward.  I also felt that.  Things to take a second look at for sure.  By the way, the chorus starts out with a completely different chord progression than the verse, but then kind of does revert back to similar chords to those used in the verse.  I can understand your statements regarding their similarity.  It does have a similar feel.  Thx again.  Very much appreciated.

 

Dave

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Hi Dave

Nice jazzy sound here - like springstein on valium IMO.

Good vocals, good lyrics and production.

I'm with whoever said the prechorus sounds like the chorus and the chorus like a verse. Maybe it's the similar range the vox are sung in?

I think you could drop the choruses and make it shorter - but that's prob just me.

Nice work :)

Paul

 

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Thx a bunch for the listen and comments Paul.  They are greatly appreciated.

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Greetings GocartMoz,

 

I think I really like it. Good music and production. Fresh yet very touching. I fell in love with your two fab lines:

And like a kids first time in a candy store

I took it all in and carved for more

Very good imagery,I wish I'd written that.

Thanks for posting the song.

 

Cheers

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I liked the way you used "as smooth as gin on ice" which is (to my mind) not that smooth, but too a drunk might be pretty smooth. The guy having a wife at home was a nice twist as well.  

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To me the chorus sounds refreshingly different from the verses - and a bit surprising too - in terms of the chord progression.  "A voice as smooth as gin on ice" - this is a cool line because it sounds like the alcohol is talking to you.  I also like the abrupt stop. The music is fitting but almost too perfect, Im not sure if that makes sense.  I liked the horns in the break though!

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A lot of things to like in this song. Nice sax solo. The singing sounded fine and the playing too. To my ears the chorus was a nice change up. A couple hesitations before and after the sax. It did not feel long to me. A lot to like. 

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