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PaulCanuck

The Truth Comes Stumbling In

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My entry for the May contest - pared down a bit.

I'm in the middle of recording this now - so it has music - any tweaking suggs?

 

The Truth Comes Stumbling In

 

The trial was well underway
Each side had been pleading its case
But the Lie had convinced them
And no-one would listen
When the Truth came stumbling in

 

The Lie had arrived by Ferrari
The Truth - charact'ristic'ly tardy
So the Lie had the show
Wrapped up with a bow
When the Truth wandered into the party

 

{br}
Now, the Lie was as sharp as a dagger
And he spoke with a confident swagger
With his mirrors and smoke
The jury was stoked
To believe him ahead of that laggard

 

The Truth, to the murmurs of laughter
Had the facts stacked up to the rafters
Then she took her sweet time
Crossing T's, dotting  I's
But the crowd wanted out of there faster

 

Yeah, the crowd wanted out of there faster

 

When you sit in your chair in the evenin'
And you're tuned to the news of the nation
Well, your judgement should wait
'Cause the Truth will be late
Awww, you're just going to have to be patient!

 

{outro}
Yeah, she's bound to be late
So you'll just have to wait
For the Truth to come
Stumbling..
Bumbling..
Grumbling..
Until the Truth comes stumbling in!

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There isnt much to be said about this, other than to applaud you - except to point out that the verse starting "when you sit in your chair" is the fulcrum of the whole piece. 

You are trying to take this abstract, drawn out but entertaining story, and then convert it into a life lesson. Its quite a lot to do in one verse.

 

Doable for sure, but I think you could really craft this verse to make the "revelation" or "aha" moment as smooth and flawless as possible. Some people will get it , the intention is that you smooth the transition so *everyone* gets it

 

Really good job and enjoyable, but I noted it in the competition when I was scoring - this one area of your lyric needs to be very carefully crafted, like a magician's sleight of hand you want everyone with you on the last chorus ! I would look at any way to improve that verse, everything else is great!

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15 minutes ago, fabkebab said:

There isnt much to be said about this, other than to applaud you - except to point out that the verse starting "when you sit in your chair" is the fulcrum of the whole piece. 

You are trying to take this abstract, drawn out but entertaining story, and then convert it into a life lesson. Its quite a lot to do in one verse.

 

Doable for sure, but I think you could really craft this verse to make the "revelation" or "aha" moment as smooth and flawless as possible. Some people will get it , the intention is that you smooth the transition so *everyone* gets it

 

Really good job and enjoyable, but I noted it in the competition when I was scoring - this one area of your lyric needs to be very carefully crafted, like a magician's sleight of hand you want everyone with you on the last chorus ! I would look at any way to improve that verse, everything else is great!

Hi fab - thanks for the kind words. Yes the last verse is the "moral of the story" I guess. I've tried to bring it out musically - the music stops for that verse, and the first two lines are spoken (I should have put them in italics :)) - trying to achieve exactly what you suggested. Hopefully it works :)

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Hi Paul,

 

I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said in this thread or in the May Lyrics thread, other than I'll add my voice to the chorus that it's really well done and impressive.  Your experience with song craftsmanship really shines through and it's all the better with an important message for these times!

 

-SOK

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Worthy of a doorprize for sure, a really cool lyric.  I especially liked the Ferrari / tardy rhyme. )

 

I was wondering why you used fumbled instead of stumbled in V2? When I first read, it went against my instinct to reinforce the hook as much as possible. But on re-reads it grew on me, and struck me as a cool esoteric choice. Was this something you gave much thought to?  

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1 hour ago, Short Order Kook said:

Hi Paul,

 

I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said in this thread or in the May Lyrics thread, other than I'll add my voice to the chorus that it's really well done and impressive.  Your experience with song craftsmanship really shines through and it's all the better with an important message for these times!

 

-SOK

Cheers for that kind assessment :)

 

18 minutes ago, 9thStLine said:

Worthy of a doorprize for sure, a really cool lyric.  I especially liked the Ferrari / tardy rhyme. )

 

I was wondering why you used fumbled instead of stumbled in V2? When I first read, it went against my instinct to reinforce the hook as much as possible. But on re-reads it grew on me, and struck me as a cool esoteric choice. Was this something you gave much thought to?  

Thanks 9thStLine - yes I did hedge a bit on that word. Agree that Stumble would re-inforce the hook, but also brought to mind "drunk" when coupled with "party" which I didn't want to convey. I tried "tumbled" and it just sounded like a mistake :( So rightly or wrongly ended up with "Fumbled" which may change again..

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Liked this in the contest, and like it even better with your edits here, the structure is a lot clearer to grasp, IMO.  A great concept/hook.  

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Hi Paul 

A great lyric really, really good

you had my top vote for this, it was my number one for sure

I wish I had written it

well done 

All the best

Mike

 

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Hi, Paul,

 

Nice job on this one.  Innovative take on an important subject. I remember appreciating it immediately in the contest and I earmarked it as yours.  Pretty cool. I look forward to hearing it.   

Nits:  I'd change fumbled to stumbled.  And simplify the verb tenses?  I don't think you need all the "had's."  These are really NITS!  It's a good song!

6 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

The trial was well underway
Each side had been pleading its case          Each side was pleading its case
But the Lie had convinced them              But the Lie convinced them
And no-one would listen
When the Truth came stumbling in

 

The Lie had arrived by Ferrari                 The Lie arrived by Ferrari
The Truth - charact'ristic'ly tardy
So the Lie had the show
Wrapped up with a bow
When the Truth fumbled into the party    I'd use "stumbled" here for hook reasons

 

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Thanks Ty Cobb, Clemo and Peko Appreciate the kind remarks :)

Patty - I need those syllables - but you're right - a lot of "had"s I'll take a look at replacing one or two :)

 

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On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 06:07, PaulCanuck said:

My entry for the May contest - pared down a bit.

I'm in the middle of recording this now - so it has music - any tweaking suggs?

 

The Truth Comes Stumbling In

 

The trial was well underway
Each side had been pleading its case
But the Lie had convinced them
And no-one would listen
When the Truth came stumbling in

 

The Lie had arrived by Ferrari
The Truth - charact'ristic'ly tardy
So the Lie had the show
Wrapped up with a bow
When the Truth fumbled into the party...….Don't think fumbled works.  Maybe rumbled or tumbled.

 

{br}
Now, the Lie was as sharp as a dagger
And he spoke with a confident swagger
With his mirrors and smoke
The jury was stoked
To believe him ahead of that laggard

 

The Truth, to the murmurs of laughter
Had the facts stacked up to the rafters
Then she took her sweet time
Crossing T's, dotting  I's
But the crowd wanted out of there faster

 

Yeah, the crowd wanted out of there faster

 

When you sit in your chair in the evenin'
And you're tuned to the news of the nation
Well, your judgement should wait
'Cause the Truth will be late
Awww, you're just going to have to be patient!

 

{outro}
Yeah, she's bound to be late
So you'll just have to wait
For the the Truth to come
Stumbling..
Bumbling..
Grumbling..
Until the Truth comes stumbling in!

Yeah it's all about the truth, wait for it better later than never.  An original and certainly a departure from the everyday themes.

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Very nice take on the adage, Paul. :)  Good examples and details, and the limerick structure works well.

 

I'm with the others, though, as regards 'fumbled'. It just feels like the wrong word. 

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Hi Paul, 

        I voted this silver prize worthy.  I think this is very well done.  Clever for sure. There's a moral to the story but it didn't turn me off as preachy, because you finessed things with humor. 

        How about tumbled instead of fumbled?  You also have rumbled mumbled and humbled to use if and where needed. 

         The first time I read this I was surprised and a little let down by verse 4. (When you sit...) Not because V4 is not well done-- it is, but because we left the court room so abrubtly and I was expecting that you'd make your closing argument there. 

           As I see it the section identified as a bridge is quite similar to the verse format. It's very close to a verse, as is. Meaning a new bridge could be created elsewhere. 

           I might introduce a new bridge right after 'the crowd wanted out of there faster.'  The judge hit his gavel and the lie soon unraveled  because the judge uttered some words of timeless wisdom of some sort that you'll think of. After the judge's reality check everyone sees the light and then you close with your verse about watching the news. 

            As always Paul, use or lose. Like I said, "Well done!"

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I agree with kuya's assessment and Andrew's. This is typically well crafted and might've been a second-place finisher for me but what lowered it a notch was the abrupt switch from the courtroom to watching the news even though I get the message.

 

Have you done this limerick structure before? It really smacked me in the face reading it -- Hey! Each verse is its own limerick! (although the first verse doesn't totally fit the pattern) -- and for some silly reason it also detracted a bit from my enjoyment because I was focusing more on the structure of each verse than on the words. That's my own problem, of course. And, Paul, you always do great work so I look forward to hearing the song.

 

--Doug

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This got my number one vote in the contest and is one of the most original lyrics and fresh 'angles' I've seen in a while - great job Paul.

 

One tiny nit but no biggie either way...

 

On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 14:07, PaulCanuck said:

The trial was well underway
Each side had been pleading its case    should it be "Each side had been pleading their case"?
But the Lie had convinced them

Great job Paul!

 

Maybe worth considering some court room sound FX to complement the music...

 

Andy

 

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Hi Paul

It's great song idea.

The decision to put the salutary lesson in a verse rather than in a the bridge or a chorus was to delay it. 

The only other not I have is the non conversational English here and there to force rhymes it kind of reads in places like a limerick.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Thanks everyone for reading and commenting :)

 

I've now finished recording the song for this if anyone is interested. :nemoflow:

 

Barneyboy - cheers for the review - yeah I changed that word to "wandered" - decided I didn't need an "umbled" word there after all.

DonnaMarilyn - thanks donna - hope wandered works OK

kuya , lyrical - hehe by you wanting the courtroom/trial to be wrapped up with a bow faster - you have unwittingly proven the point of the song. Thank you!

AndyLeF - thanks Andy! Hmm I'm probably wrong but using "Each side" makes it singular so "their case" would be correct if I had said "The sides" n'est pas?

Snabbu - It reads like a limerick because it is a limerick! :)

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3 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

Thanks everyone for reading and commenting :)

 

I've now finished recording the song for this if anyone is interested. :nemoflow:

 

Barneyboy - cheers for the review - yeah I changed that word to "wandered" - decided I didn't need an "umbled" word there after all.

DonnaMarilyn - thanks donna - hope wandered works OK

kuya , lyrical - hehe by you wanting the courtroom/trial to be wrapped up with a bow faster - you have unwittingly proven the point of the song. Thank you!

AndyLeF - thanks Andy! Hmm I'm probably wrong but using "Each side" makes it singular so "their case" would be correct if I had said "The sides" n'est pas?

Snabbu - It reads like a limerick because it is a limerick! :)

Enjoyed the song and the change to wandered worked nicely. 

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