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V

Educate the children
To build an army's force   

Channel the hatred 
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Infection getting worse
For the future up ahead

 

 This v just doesn't seem to resonate with me. The whole concept of lawlessness and educating the kids bothers me. 

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Ha,  mean technically a social could be disrupted by another social disruption, chain reactions and all, but that's another story.

 

Sorry about that. 

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      I think @R-N-R Jim raises a very good point about point of view in comparing this one to welcome to the jungle. In most of the lyric you (the POV) almost seem omniscient until you show your cards in the chorus with the word 'we'.  By saying "we"you are taking sides in opposition to the central theme of the lyric. 

      I agree that taking sides in opposition tends to dillute the power of the imagery here. If "we" became "you" then the POV changes and allows the narrator to become the devil himself.  "You can't stop me /us" Or if not the devil himself he can be mayhem and havoc anthropomorphized.  The POV can revel in it instead of being a bystander. 

       This example is way before your time but when Sympathy For The Devil came out 50 years ago this month it frightened some people. It was being recorded the week RFK was shot and so they changed the line from "who killed kennedy" to "who killed the kennedys" and it was chilling because the POV said  "I did it".  

        So what I'm getting at is this lyric would have much more impact if the singer wasn't an almost impartial observer, and certainly a passive observer,  but lawlessness mayhem havoc murder and chaos personified and he absolutely reveled in it.  "I'm here and you can't stop me!" 

          Adopting that POV doesn't mean you personally endorse the POV's mindset; it's just a literary device.  Good catch Jim.  

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Thoughts. . . 

I haven't read the ocean of above comments.

Educate the children
To build an army's force   

     Speaking of force, this line seems forced. The minute I read it, I knew something was being set up to rhyme with force
Channel the hatred 
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead   How can something dead be self destructive?
Infection getting worse
For the future up ahead   redundant phrase

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On 15/06/2018 at 17:06, Short Order Kook said:

Nor sure if the "chains have been broken" coupled with "inmates" work for this song.  It seems to add confusion to the lyrics...possibly making it sound like the song is about a jailbreak instead of a rising tide of disillusioned and unstable people turning to violence.  

Eliminated "inmates".  Check out version 7 at top of thread. Let me know if it works better.

 

Thanks for returning to comment!

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On 15/06/2018 at 17:18, Onewholovesrock said:

Cool lyric man! Perfect for a cool ass heavy rock song. 

Thanks Joe

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On 15/06/2018 at 17:50, Mr Distraction said:

Hi Carl

Back again lol!

 

I have been thinking on the bridge after reading posts and wondered if his helps as a possible angle?

 

The gates have been opened

On an unsuspecting/naive society

The savages unleashed

There's no saving humanity

 

The gates have been opened

Our nightmares are set free

The savages unleashed

???

 

I just edited and added this and wondered would the last 2 lines work if "Time" was the 1st word for both? Not saying use it just more ideas as I think about this lyric and hope they spark ideas for you and others👊

 

The gates have been opened

The savages/Demons (are) unleashed

Fear your worst nightmare/Time for your/our worst nightmare

Prepare/time to face the beast

 

edit

Prepare for the nightmare

Time to face the beast

 

 

 

This line was prompted by Patty and again just ideas to play with

 

Twist/corrupt the minds of children.......instead of educate! 

 

I love this thread it is so full of great ideas and possibilities! 

 

Mr D

Still giving thought to what you've said above Mr. D!!   Check out the updated changes in revision 7 at top of thread.  Let me know if it works or not.

 

Cheers and thanks for returning to comment and help! : )

 

Carl

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On 15/06/2018 at 18:41, Dawnserly said:

Hi, I have a few thoughts. Please know I spend my time writing words, not music...or lyrics, so these thoughts might not be relevant- then again, they may cross over to a cool heavy rock song! I hope that's alright! 

 

 

 

-The word jungle in the second verse feels jarring...In connecting the first v to the second and being that violence is running free at the end of the first V..'Educate' -I see it's a word up for changing...maybe think about...are you meaning like....educate as in...Train? Enlighten? Corrupt? Coach, indoctrinate? Show them the ropes? What is the jungle of fear? The streets? It doesn't feel like it goes with the rest. Maybe Jungle gym? ties it to the children...and maybe switch...like 

 

In a jungle of fear, 

There is no remorse,

The children up ahead  

Where the future is

Are walking dead, (already infected... ?)

 

I really like the BR a lot...I love the 'to be' words and I think they are strong when presented right. The last line...feels weaker compared to the rest-because you've already told us what is and what will be- LAWLESSNESS and violence running free and murderous children...Maybe the last line...something with anarchy? Or a connection to the first verse- on a killing spree?

 

Just general thoughts... there's some competing things here that don't give a clear...impression or cohesive or metaphorical resonance....the psycho's, and children, and inmates....jungles and broken chains...I ..

 

Just some thoughts from a person who has never written a song...but I love music, thank you for sharing and so I hope the feedback is not minded!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions Dawnserly.  Jungle of fear is referring to the streets. I actually had played around with 'Concrete jungle of fear" at one point but decided to go with what I've got now.   Had indoctrinate the children in an older version I never posted here before arriving at what I've got now.  A few small changes to bridge.  See the revisions at top of thread.  Thanks again for taking the time to comment. 

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On 15/06/2018 at 19:21, Barneyboy said:

V

Educate the children
To build an army's force   

Channel the hatred 
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Infection getting worse
For the future up ahead

 

 This v just doesn't seem to resonate with me. The whole concept of lawlessness and educating the kids bothers me. 

I got rid of "educate the children".  See if the changes at top of thread fit into what's going on here any better.

 

Thanks for returning to comment and some great suggestions.

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