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Posted (edited)

Constructive feedback welcome

 

Genre: Rock

 

I have a few questions in addition to anything constructive anyone would like to say, that I would like folks to zero in on as well.

 

1.  In the choruses, do you think this works better with or without .............."is forming" at the tail end of each chorus?   Keep in mind, each line of lawlessness in the chorus (at the end) with an exclamation the first time (one), two excalamations on the 2nd use of the title at end of the chorus and three exclamations at the end of the chorus are indicative of a volume increase on the part of the singer.  The word is meant to be sung with more force each time.  It ends on the third and final repeat of the title with a hissing and then a shift into.......... (is forming) with a soft whsiper that is sung, spoken and or dragged out verbally in an ominous tone .  What do you think with what I'm going for here (a metal tune), good or bad regarding "is forming" at tail end of chorus?  

 

1A - Also regarding the chorus, in its original state I had an 8 line chorus with the title only on the first line. I have reconstructed things a bit to make it more like a metal tune and added the title repeating in a screeching chant 3x's.  Effective, ineffective?  
 

1B - Final chorus is altered slightly from the first 3.  Remove it or keep it? 
 

2. Verse 1 -   For the 5th line I orignally had "violent actions" but thought it was non-descript and too general.  Replaced it with "knives, guns and illness" to illustrate the violence that includes both people and weapons today. Does "knives, guns and illness" work better?
 

3.  Specifically looking for line weaknesses (loose ends) backed by suggestions that can potentially improve what I've already got.
 

4. Anything else or any questions on the write. Feel free to ad lib or ask. 

 

Have at it!      UPDATE -  Monday June 18, 2018     Small changes -   Plague has been replaced by "foe".  I kind of get Barney's thought on having cancer and plague back to back. Sort of redundant.  A "foe" is more fitting as it denotes the enemy of law and order.  And then in the bridge,  "The inmates are running the asylum" kicks things off followed by the rest of bridge as it was in revision # 7.   Giving thought to other lines.  Nearly finished in my book.  Any other constructive comments or suggestions are welcome.   Thanks!!

 

 

REVISION #8

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Vicious freaks, twisted souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and psychos

On an angry killing spree
Rising social chaos
As the violence runs free

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here

Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer
It's a foe that can't be beat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

V

Children having babies
To build an army's force   
Can't lose the hatred
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Explosive times coming
In a future with bloodshed 

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer

It's a foe that can't be beat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The inmates are running the asylum
Monsters are free
Wild without limits
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer

It's a foe that can't be beat

Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here   (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).
 

Carl B   © 2018

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE SUNDAY JUNE 17, 2018

All right.  She's is a comin' along.  Getting there.  Any thoughts good or bad on the new changes in underlined bold purple, let me know.  Chorus line 4 has changed to "It's a plague that can't be beat" instead of "It's a plague we can't defeat".  2nd Verse -  "Educate the children" has been changed to " Children having babies" on the opening line there. 3rd line of same verse has also been changed. Originally had "Channel the hatred". It's now.. " Can't lose the hatred".  7th & 8th lines of verse 2 were "Infection getting worse" & "For the future up ahead".  7th & 8th lines of verse 2 now read....." Explosive times coming" & " In a future with bloodshed".

Small changes in bridge for now.  "Monsters" replaces "Inmates" at the beginning of line 2 of Bridge and "limits" takes the place of "boundaries" to end the 3rd line of bridge as well.   Nothing is written in stone.  Please digest and let me know if the changes work any better.

Thank you!!!

 

REVISION #7

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Vicious freaks, twisted souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and psychos

On an angry killing spree
Rising social chaos
As the violence runs free

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here

Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer
It's a plague that can't be beat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

V

Children having babies
To build an army's force   
Can't lose the hatred
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Explosive times coming
In a future with bloodshed 

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer

It's a plague that can't be beat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The chains have been broken
The monsters are free
Wild without
limits
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer

It's a plague that can't be beat

Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here   (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).
 

Carl B   © 2018

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

 

***** UPDATE June 15, 2018 --- I like Barney's suggestion on replacing "sickness" on line 5 Verse 1 with "psychos". Also, like his suggestion on replacing "field" on the next line down with "spree".  Last line has been changed to "As the violence runs free" from "Where the violence won't yield".  In chorus, "Induce" has been changed to "screams" to start off the 6th line of chorus.  Anything in bold red is on the chopping block and I am looking to possibly replace with something stronger and more provocotive.   2nd chorus has been eliminated.   Continued thoughts to improve are welcome.  Dislike any of the changes? Let me know. Almost there but not quite yet! :)

 

 

REVISION #6

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Vicious freaks, twisted souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and 
psychos
On an angry killing spree
Rising social chaos
As the violence runs free

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here

Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

V

Educate the children
To build an army's force   

Channel the hatred 
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Infection getting worse
For the future up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
Taking over on the street
Spreading like
a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here       (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The chains have been broken
The inmates are free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
Taking over on the street
Spreading like a cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Scream a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  It's here   (softly spoken/whispered in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2     (NOT EVEN SURE I NEED THIS EXTRA Ch) THOUGHTS?  Specific lines on chopping block potentially if this chorus remains. Chopping block lines are in bold red. 

Lawlessness is here
Taking over on the street
In the papers, on the TV

The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

Ends with  anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).
 

Carl B   © 2018

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

OK  New changes are in bold purple below and underlined.  V1 - 2nd line becomes, "Vicious freaks, twisted souls" instead of "are freaks and empty souls".  Last line 1st verse - "Where the violence won't yield replaces "In a land without a shield".  Chorus - 2nd line becomes "Taking over on the street" replacing "You can see it on the street".  "Spreading like "a" cancer returns to 3rd line of chorus instead of just "spreading like cancer.  6th line of Chorus becomes " Induce a thousand screams" replacing "Get even is the scheme".  Last line of Chorus, the ending becomes  "It's here" instead of "is here". Verse 2 - 1st line - Becomes "Educate the children" from "Shitting out the children".  V2 3rd line is now "Channel the hatred" replacing "Brainwashing the young".  4th line is now "There is no remorse" instead of "Absent of remorse". Line 7 of same verse is "Infection getting worse" from "The goal is anarchy". Line 8 that follows, now "For the future up ahead" former "In the distance up ahead". Bridge -  "Broken" replaces "removed", 1st line there and "inmates" replaces "everyone", 2nd line of bridge.  Should I scrap the extra chorus with slight variations in wording?  Please have a look and let me know your thoughts.  I appreciate everyone's time and effort.  

 

REVISION # 5

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Vicious freaks, twisted souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and sickness

On an angry killing field
Rising social chaos
Where the violence won't yield

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here

Taking over on the street
Spreading like
a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................
It's here (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

V

Educate the children
To build an army's force   

Channel the hatred 
There is no remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Infection getting worse
For the future up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
Taking over on the street
Spreading like
a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  
It's here  (softly spoken/a whisper in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The chains have been broken
The inmates are free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
Taking over on the street
Spreading like
a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  
It's here   (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2     (NOT EVEN SURE I NEED THIS EXTRA Ch) THOUGHTS?  Specific lines on chopping block potentially if this chorus remains. Chopping block lines are in bold red. 

Lawlessness is here
Taking over on the street
In the papers, on the TV

The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

Ends with  anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).
 

Carl B   © 2018

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

REVISION # 4     Changes are in bold purple below as well as underlined.   Please weigh in.  Like or dislike the updated changes?  Please let me know!   How about the bridge?  Anything else I may have missed?  

 

Verse 1 -  Sickness replaces illness,   field replaces trip,  last line V1 - In a land without a shield replaces Makes the land a battleship 

Chorus -  4th line - "It's a plague we can't defeat " replaces  "Using hatred as the fleet".   6th line of Chorus - "scheme" replaces "theme" on the last line there. 

Verse 2 - "Brainwashing" replaces "brainwash" to match meter  with Verse 1 of same line.  4th line of V2 is now  "Absent of remorse" which replaces "program to endorse". 

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Are freaks and empty souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and
sickness
On an angry killing field
Rising social chaos
In a land without a shield

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

V

Shitting out the children
To build an army's force   

Brainwashing the young   
Absent of remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme 
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken/a whisper in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
You can see it on the street
Spreading like  cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2

Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

Ends with  anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).
 

Carl B   © 2018

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Revision # 3   A few tweaks, two to be exact.  Removing word "the" before shadows on 1st line V1.  Also, minor change to 1st line V2 is underlined.   Originally had  "many" before children on that line.  Replaced it with the word "the".   Anything in updated revision 3 that is in purple is indicative of substantial changes made from revision # 2. 

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from the shadows   
Are freaks and empty souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness   

On an angry killing trip
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship      

 

Ch
Lawlessness is 
here  
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet    
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here

 

V

Shitting out the children
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse   
A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here  
You can see it on the street

Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free

Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is
 here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is 
here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is 
here

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

 

Carl B   © 2018

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

REVISIONS - Post  # 2     Changes thus far to original are in bold purple below.

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from the shadows   
Are freaks and empty souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness   

On an angry killing trip
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship      

 

Ch
Lawlessness is
here  
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet    
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is
here

 

V

Shitting out many children
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse   
A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here  
You can see it on the street

Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is
here

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free

Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is
here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is
here

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is
here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is
here

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

 

Carl B   © 2018

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Original post below) Post # 1

 

Lawlessness   

 

V

A mindset in the shadows   
Of freaks and empty souls
Plot to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness   
Where an angry blood flow drips
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship      

 

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 

 

V

Shit out as many children   
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse   
A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free
Engaging without boundaries
Cryptic territory

 

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  (Loud)
Lawlessness!!  (Louder)
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming  

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is forming
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdowns not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is forming

 

Carl B   © 2018

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

Edited by spanishbuddha
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1 hour ago, spanishbuddha said:

Constructive feedback welcome

 

Genre: Metal

 

I have a few questions in addition to anything constructive anyone would like to say, that I would like folks to zero in on as well.

 

1.  In the choruses, do you think this works better with or without .............."is forming" at the tail end of each chorus?   I think it could work either way, but as I write below I'm not sure about the word "forming." Keep in mind, each line of lawlessness in the chorus (at the end) with an exclamation the first time (one), two excalamations on the 2nd use of the title at end of the chorus and three exclamations at the end of the chorus are indicative of a volume increase on the part of the singer.  The word is meant to be sung with more force each time.  It ends on the third and final repeat of the title with a hissing and then a shift into.......... (is forming) with a soft whsiper that is sung, spoken and or dragged out verbally in an ominous tone .  I like your idea. What do you think with what I'm going for here (a metal tune), good or bad regarding "is forming" at tail end of chorus?  

 

1A - Also regarding the chorus, in its original state I had an 8 line chorus with the title only on the first line. I have reconstructed things a bit to make it more like a metal tune and added the title repeating in a screeching chant 3x's.  Effective, ineffective?  I think it's effective, but recommend some wording tweaks below.
 

1B - Final chorus is altered slightly from the first 3.  Remove it or keep it?  See below for my comments.  I think you could keep it, but right now I'm not sure all the lines go with each other.  
 

2. Verse 1 -   For the 5th line I orignally had "violent actions" but thought it was non-descript and too general.  Replaced it with "knives, guns and illness" to illustrate the violence that includes both people and weapons today. Does "knives, guns and illness" work better? Yes
 

3.  Specifically looking for line weaknesses (loose ends) backed by suggestions that can potentially improve what I've already got.
 

4. Anything else or any questions on the write. Feel free to ad lib or ask. 

 

Have at it!


 

Lawlessness

 

V

A mindset in the shadows   Mindset in the shadows sounds awkward, what about something like "Emerging from the shadows"
Of freaks and empty souls Are freaks and empty souls (goes with zombie theme at the end?)
Plot to disrupt  Plotting
Show they've got control To show they're in control
Knives, guns and illness   
Where an angry blood flow drips 
Not sure what this means, this line could say that you are replacing something like civil discourse (could you use the word "relationships", like "replacing relationships" although the meter doesn't flow very well
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship
  Appropriate image , but seems like the blood flow drips above is a forced rhyme,  "Converting towns to battleships"?

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   "
forming" strikes me as the wrong word.  I don't think of anarchy or chaos as forming, although it might be appropriate for cancer two lines below, What about spreading, rising, growing, lawlessness increasing
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Spreading? or forming?
Using hatred as the fleet  Going with the battleship theme here?
Kill a cop for fun Killing cops for fun?
Get even is the theme Getting?
Blame the government Blaming government?
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 
Same comment as above, not sure forming is the right word.  I think adding on this extra part is fine though...

 

V

Shit out as many children   Shitting out the children?
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Brainwashing?
Program to endorse   So that they will endorse?  It seems like this line should complete a thought rather than being midsentence and going into the next half of the verse.  No biggee, just an observation.
A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead 
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free
The empty souls roam free?  I don't think you mean everyone
Engaging without boundaries
Cryptic territory 
Is cryptic the right word?  Seems like you might be going for crypt, but cryptic means obscure

 

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  (Loud)
Lawlessness!!  (Louder)
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming  

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is forming
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
on TV
The breakdowns not complete Are you trying to give a sense of hope?, I'm not sure this works buried in the rest of the panicky vibe of the song
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom 
Are these 2 lines trying to empower people to be outraged at what they are seeing?  If so I think this message gets lost given the theme of the rest of the song, especially when you make "kill a cop for fun and defy authority" part of this verse.  You might try making this verse all about "us" being outraged and not wanting to take the lawlessness anymore?
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is forming

 

Carl B   © 2018

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

Hi Spanishbuddah,

 

I hope you find these comments helpful.  I think this would make a great metal song.  I can almost hear it.  Keep or sweep my suggestions.

  • Thanks 1

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Hi SB

 

1    Does lawlessness form?  I think there's better words than forming. 

1a  effective

1b   Keep

2     Yes   But illness threw me a little

3      Blood flow drips-  not sure what this refers to

        Shit out as many children-  most people would be offended by this I think, and I'm not sure who  this is about anymore with this line. I had originally thought Antifa

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Anarchy has been overused as a theme in metal. Calling it lawlessness is a step in the right direction. Would the lyric work if it was called Gathering Of The Lawless? 

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20 hours ago, Short Order Kook said:

Hi Spanishbuddah,

 

I hope you find these comments helpful.  I think this would make a great metal song.  I can almost hear it.  Keep or sweep my suggestions.

Thank you SOK!   I'm working on revisions and taking into account some of your points.  When you or anyone else has a moment, please take a look at possible replacements (in red) for lines crossed out below regarding Verse #1. 

 

I actually have an older version of this lyric stored in a vault with cobwebs. :P   Would some of the lines in question regarding the first verse work better with some of the lines I originally had. What do you think?  Older lines I once used (prior to posting this) are in red. 

 

V

A mindset in the shadows   Emerging from the shadows
Of freaks and empty souls  Are freaks and empty souls
Plot to disrupt    Plotting to disrupt
Show they've got control   (I'm a nitpicker I guess. I don't want two infinitive to's back to back with to disrupt above and then possibly with "To show" which I originally had.)
Knives, guns and illness  
Shooting up the schools
Where an angry blood flow drips  Terrorize the Vega$ strip
Rising social chaos     Hmmm.  I'm wondering if the blend from shootings to social chaos is not smooth and abrupt then?  
Makes the land a battleship 

 

Any and all help is greatly appreciated.  Experimenting with line replacements right now.

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16 hours ago, kuya said:

Hi SB

RESPONSES ARE IN BLUE - Kuya

1    Does lawlessness form?  I think there's better words than forming.  Forming is not to be taken literally. I don't see it as a problem.  Hmm OK....    FORMING     COMING.....?   LAWLESSNESS IS COMING.......?  Any suggestions?

1a  effective   Thanks

1b   Keep       Thanks

2     Yes   But illness threw me a little   I wasn't completely comfortable with it either.  I also thought...... Knives, guns, mental illness 

3      Blood flow drips-  not sure what this refers to  -    See my response to SOK above for alternate possibilities.  Would or could those work?

        Shit out as many children-  most people would be offended by this I think, and I'm not sure who  this is about anymore with this line. I had originally thought Antifa

Is the above line offense to you? No, this is not about Antifa. I'll share what it was that motivated the write a bit later. 

Thanks for your comments. I am working on revisions and will post an update soon. 

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13 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

 

Anarchy has been overused as a theme in metal.   Yeah. So What?  Calling it lawlessness is a step in the right direction.  Thanks  Would the lyric work if it was called Gathering Of The Lawless?   No

Come on Gary, give me something I can chew on.  :D

 

I'll be posting an updated version.  Any additional thoughts from you and anyone else are welcome. 

 

Thanks for commenting. 

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23 hours ago, spanishbuddha said:

Constructive feedback welcome

 

Genre: Metal

 

I have a few questions in addition to anything constructive anyone would like to say, that I would like folks to zero in on as well.

 

1.  In the choruses, do you think this works better with or without .............."is forming" at the tail end of each chorus?   Keep in mind, each line of lawlessness in the chorus (at the end) with an exclamation the first time (one), two exclamations on the 2nd use of the title at end of the chorus and three exclamations at the end of the chorus are indicative of a volume increase on the part of the singer.  The word is meant to be sung with more force each time.  It ends on the third and final repeat of the title with a hissing and then a shift into.......... (is forming) with a soft whsiper that is sung, spoken and or dragged out verbally in an ominous tone .  What do you think with what I'm going for here (a metal tune), good or bad regarding "is forming" at tail end of chorus?  Without.  I would leave it off - is forming and lawlessness just don't seem compatible in a metal genre. A better phrase might be "is here."

 

1A - Also regarding the chorus, in its original state I had an 8 line chorus with the title only on the first line. I have reconstructed things a bit to make it more like a metal tune and added the title repeating in a screeching chant 3x's.  Effective, ineffective?  Probably, more effective with the last ch.
 

1B - Final chorus is altered slightly from the first 3.  Remove it or keep it? Keep
 

2. Verse 1 -   For the 5th line I originally had "violent actions" but thought it was non-descript and too general.  Replaced it with "knives, guns and illness" to illustrate the violence that includes both people and weapons today. Does "knives, guns and illness" work better? Yes and no.  I don't think "illness" fits with guns and knives.
 

3.  Specifically looking for line weaknesses (loose ends) backed by suggestions that can potentially improve what I've already got.
 

4. Anything else or any questions on the write. Feel free to ad lib or ask. 

 

Have at it!


 

Lawlessness

 

V

A mindset in the shadows   
Of freaks and empty souls
Plot to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness ......I think illness is meant as mentally disturbed but I don't think it fits - I think hate or even anger may be better.
Where an angry blood flow drips
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship   ..........Strong v1 except for the illness line.    

 

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   ...........Not a fan of forming in a lyric intended as mayhem. 
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer ......Maybe spreading instead of consuming?
Using hatred as the fleet  ....I must confess I'm not sure about fleet.
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 

 

V

Shit out as many children   ......Never heard this expression
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse   
A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy .............I would leave off "The goal" and just repeat anarchy anarchy in the distance ahead. 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming 

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free
Engaging without boundaries  ......Again, engaging sounds too formal in anarchy. 
Cryptic territory

 

Ch
Lawlessness is forming   
You can see it on the street
Consuming like a cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  (Loud)
Lawlessness!!  (Louder)
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is forming  

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is forming
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdowns not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is forming

 

Carl B   © 2018

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

I think this would work well as a rebellious metal song. I think you should consider using stronger reactionary words to make it more realistic. 

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Thanks Barney!   Great suggestion on "Here".  You're right. It's already here. 

 

I've made some changes.  Everyone see revision changes in updated version at top of thread in purple. Have incorporated ideas and suggestions from you all.  Still working on fine tuning.

 

Keep suggestions coming!  Nothing is written in stone yet regarding changes. 

 

Oh! And thank you to Mr. Distraction for liking the writing!

 

Cheers

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1 hour ago, spanishbuddha said:

V

A mindset in the shadows   Emerging from the shadows
Of freaks and empty souls  Are freaks and empty souls
Plot to disrupt    Plotting to disrupt
Show they've got control   (I'm a nitpicker I guess. I don't want two infinitive to's back to back with to disrupt above and then possibly with "To show" which I originally had.)
yep I think that works
Knives, guns and illness   Shooting up the schools  
Where an angry blood flow drips  Terrorize the Vega$ strip They
Rising social chaos     Hmmm.  I'm wondering if the blend from shootings to social chaos is not smooth and abrupt then?  
Makes the land a battleship 

Those last 4 lines are ok, but I think you are right that they could flow better.  I'm having trouble making something fit for battleship.  Here's a shot at something...

They terrorize the public

Scare people like they're cattle

Instead of heading out for drinks

You're heading into battle

 

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Thanks!  I have something else too. Check out the top of the thread for changes in bold purple. 

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'Here' is a great suggestion from Barney. Really, pretty much everything he said is great.  I would have a progression with 'Lawlessness"  though

 

lawlessness creeping-- at the beginnng of the chorus

 

perhaps a couple other lawlessness phrases in between

lawlessness emerging

 

and then definately

lawlessness is here -  at the end of the chorus

 

       In metal it's probably obligatory to be offensive at times so perhaps shitting out kids achieves that purpose, but if I ever used that expression around my wife or sisters or friends who are mothers i would feel like a complete asshole for being so disrespectful.

       I watched my son being born without any anesthesia and actually caught him because the doctor hadn't arrived and the nurses were still scrubbing up. I was the first person my son saw heard or touched in this world. To reduce the greatest experience of my life to shit is offensive to me, but regardless, the real question is does it offend your target audience. That's what matters. 

        I can't offer much more suggestions because I'm not sure who and what this is about. 

       

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Yes, I think it's improving.  I thought "illness" was fine, it was clear to me you were speaking of mental illness.  And I think it makes the song even more terrifying than just talking about guns and knives.

 

I don't know about the use of "battleship" and "fleet".  Not sure it is the best choice for a metaphor.  Something to do with war or battle makes sense.  But what I understand about naval warfare, it is not the close up in your face violence that I think you are trying to portray.  Something like guerrilla (sniper) warfare seems more appropriate.

 

FWIW, Shitting out many children seems like it has too many syllables.  By using this phrase you seem to be saying thugs are breeding thugs.  Is that really what you are trying to convey?

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24 minutes ago, Short Order Kook said:

Yes, I think it's improving.  THANKS!  I thought "illness" was fine, it was clear to me you were speaking of mental illness.  And I think it makes the song even more terrifying than just talking about guns and knives.

 

I don't know about the use of "battleship" and "fleet".  Not sure it is the best choice for a metaphor.  Something to do with war or battle makes sense.  But what I understand about naval warfare, it is not the close up in your face violence that I think you are trying to portray.  Something like guerrilla (sniper) warfare seems more appropriate.

 

FWIW, Shitting out many children seems like it has too many syllables.  By using this phrase you seem to be saying thugs are breeding thugs.  Is that really what you are trying to convey?

I'll think more about changing the battleship/fleet lines manana, as well as the shitting out many children line too.  Shitting out many children means having too many kids, many of whom (not all) are raised and educated to hate which explains the lines that follow.  

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Hey Spanish,

Lawlessness, seems to me, a difficult word to sing, compared to Lawless. So I like Musical Key's suggestion, or maybe simply shorten to Lawless.  Sounds more musical. 2 cents. Discard, or sweep the yard.  

 

Good theme, and you've gotton good line by line suggestions. I think hopelessness flames the lawlessness, so I might work that connection , if possible. 

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Thanks for commenting 9th Street Line !

 

I had thought of "lawless" at one point but actually I don't envision the chorus being sung. It's almost spoken, for what I imagine.  Yelled, screeched out too. Lawlessness ssssss shouldn't be an issue. :)

 

Yes, I could imagine hopelessness too, but this is more like dawn of the dead except it's reality and everyone's alive.  

 

Cheers

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Two new tweaks at the top.  Any suggestions on the word changes to make this even more chilly in the forecast as well as defiant or rebellious would be most appreciated.  Thank you again to everyone who has helped me to improve this. 

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On 06/06/2018 at 17:38, spanishbuddha said:

Emerging from the shadows   
Are freaks and empty souls  Does this work with the music without the "Are"  It's a weak verb. If you need the syl there, maybe Crawl or an adjective for freaks? Grim freaks?
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness  
Illness isn't optimal because it's neutral.  How about "Sickness?"
On an angry killing trip
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship  

Hi Carl,

I think you've got something good here.  More comments below.

 

On 06/06/2018 at 17:38, spanishbuddha said:

Ch
Lawlessness is 
here  
You can see it on the street   feel it on the street?
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet    
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme  
"is the theme" could be stronger.  Revise with an action verb?
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here   It's here  (Somehow more immediate and threatening?)

 

V

Shitting out the children  This doesn't seem quite right.  More like Grinding up the children?
To build an army's force   Perhaps revise to rhyme with a new L4?  "To spit out clones of war"?
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse  
  Sounds a little scholarly and I think you're going for anger and danger. Perhaps work in "Mind control" but avoid a "to be" verb. Or "weaponize the mind" Or, if you want a rhyme with war from L2, simply "More, more, more."

A jungle of fear    
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy  
Too bland?  Anarchy forever!
In the distance up ahead  redundant?

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here  
You can see it on the street

Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here   It's here

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free  
Try something more sinister?
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be  Needs to be harder? This could describe a love affair

 

Ch
Lawlessness is
 here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here              It's here

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is 
here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete
  But you make it sound complete.
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
 exchange your "to be" verbs for ones with more power?
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is 
here    It's here

 

 

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Hi SpanishBuddah,

 

I'm not too familiar with metal as a genre or the conventions of metal, so please forgive me if I'm way off base with my nitpicking, but here it is:

 

On 07/06/2018 at 01:38, spanishbuddha said:

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from the shadows   
Are freaks and empty souls
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns and illness       
I agree with the illness/sickness comment made earlier
On an angry killing trip
Rising social chaos
Makes the land a battleship      
This line feels a bit weird. I always think of a battleship that as something that does damage to other battleships, not something that does damage to itself/is internally chaotic. 'sinking battleship' would make more sense to me, because that brings to mind chaotic scenes/ a kind of 'every man for himself' thing

 

Ch
Lawlessness is 
here  
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet         This image feels a bit sudden. I think it would be smoother if the previous line also referenced a similar idea/ships/the sea
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream       This feels like a bit of an unfinished thought. Who is dreaming and what are they dreaming about?
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is here

 

V

Shitting out the children
To build an army's force   
Brainwash the young
Program to endorse   
A jungle of fear                                
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here  
You can see it on the street

Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness! 
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here

 

Br

The chains have been removed         I like this bridge
Everyone is free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is
 here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer
Using hatred as the fleet             
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the theme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!! 
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!  ..................  is 
here

 

Ch2
Lawlessness is 
here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun           this 'kill a cop'/'defy authority' kind of feels like it's the wrong way round, because killing a cop feels much more drastic than most other ways of defying authority

Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

Ends with anguished deep breathing from singer fading off to claps of thunder in background and sounds of zombies like those from walking dead TV series (noise the walkers make when they are present or approaching).

 

Carl B   © 2018

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

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Freaks and empty souls

Emerge from shadows 

Frothing to take control

By knife gun or illness

A choking death grip

Ah, the violence  of chaos

The lawless don't give a rip

 

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       It's getting better, actually getting quite good, but I agree with @nectar that the words battleship and fleet are not appropriate word choices here.

        Battles, as in hand to hand combat, are not fought on battleships. They're fought on battle fields, or in urban areas on the streets.  The former sailors among us will correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that battleships are probably rarely within sight of land, let alone the battlefield when they participate in battle.  So how is the land a battleship? 

          Killing trip could easily be changed to killing spree which would free up battleship to become a  [pick an adjective] scene, etc.

          For the same reason "fleet" isn't working here. 

 

Spreading like a cancer

blah blah blah  you meet or it meets    Cheat or defeat might work also

 

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Hi SB

 

I think the changes are working but like others the word "illness"?  I also thought sickness but more " a sickness" Aslo thought " They're on a killing trip" ? 

 

I want to use " plague" in the 2nd line of the chorus lol!

It's like a plague upon our streets, there's a plauge on our streets!

Something along those lines. Thought it went with the 3rd line?

 

I wanted to get away from the battleship line but you use fleet in the chorus! 

 

Like the way you listen and have changed this and sorry I can't give you comments as indepth as some but offer what I can 🙂

 

Nice write 👊

Cheers

Mr. D

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On 11/06/2018 at 09:04, Peko said:

Hi Carl,

I think you've got something good here.  More comments below.

 

 

 

Hi, Patty 

 

For some reason I can't include your entire critique when quoting.  Would've made my responses easier, but anyway!

 

Great points. Thank you. Still digesting and giving thought to removing "are" from second line of V1 with "Are freaks and empty souls". Would then consider doing the same to the 2nd line of V2.  Made the change to "sickness" as you suggested instead of "illness" on 5th line of V1. There are other changes to the verses I made as well. When you have a moment please let me know what you think. Regarding the chorus,  not sure about the 2nd line suggestion "You can feel it on the street".  We're seeing it happen with our eyes everyday in some capacity. 

Changed "theme" to "scheme in chorus. Does that work any better?  Will consider your other thoughts as well. I want to make this as dark and as graphic as possible cos it's happening.  For now "it's here" will stay but I'm not even close to done.

 

Thank you and would love to get your thoughts and everyone elses too on additional changes.

 

** Nectar, Musical Key, Kuya and Mr Distraction I will reply to your remarks over the course of the next few days.

 

Meanwhile have a look at the changes I have incorporated from every ones help at top of thread (revision # 4).  

 

Back shortly

 

Cheers

 

Carl 

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I like revision 4, it reads more like a complete vision than version 1. But that's the way i's supposed to work  - you write, we suggest, you remodel and BAM! your lyric works. Now if you could only replace shitting with spawning, spewing, squatting or squeezing. But I can see why you'd want to keep shitting for street cred.

 

Good one!

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Hi, Carl,

 

This is really coming together and you're getting good suggestions from everybody.  How cool!  

All of the comments below are just ideas.  Your lyric is good as it is.

On 06/06/2018 at 17:38, spanishbuddha said:

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Are freaks and empty souls    
I still think this could be stronger if "Are" were replaced with an adj for freaks.
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and
sickness
On an angry killing field              Good.
Rising social chaos
In a land without a shield   Not really sure what this means.  

Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street        You asked about see it vs feel it. I thought feel it was stronger because it suggested closer involvement. People weren't just watching from afar.

 

Spreading like cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme      I don't think the change from "theme" to "scheme" helps that much.   "Scheme" still doesn't feel strong enough for the anarchy that's going on. An action verb would be more powerful than "is."
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

V

Shitting out the children  I wish you could come up with something else.  
To build an army's force   
Brainwashing the young   
Absent of remorse   
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy  
Very "tell."  Show me.
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

Lawlessness is here 
You can see it on the street
Spreading like cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme 
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!!  sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken/a whisper in an ominous tone)

 

Br

The chains have been removed 
Everyone is free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here   
You can see it on the street
Spreading like  cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the
scheme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2

Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street
In the papers, on the TV
The breakdown not complete 
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

 

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I agree with @Peko. Good suggstions. 

 

V1  are freaks > feral freaks? 

V1 In a land without a shield > all the laws have been repealed

CH  see > feel

CH get even is the theme > payback time unleashed

V2 brainwashing > indoctrinate? 

v2 the goal is anarchy > Shouting "we want anarchy" or shouting anarchy 

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Carl, this piece has come a long way with the edits. Just about ‘there’. ;) I agree with much of what Peko suggests. A couple of my own thoughts below, which I hope are useful.  

 

The main one involves ‘shitting out the children’. Mainly it doesn’t work for me because it’s anatomically incorrect. Also – and unintentionally, I know – it comes across as misogynistic. It appears to blame women for having the children, while in fact V2, lines 1&2, is about the anarchists using the children as – like in WWI and other wars – cannon fodder. 

How about something like ‘sacrificing children’ or a similar way to highlight that it’s that particular use/abuse of the children rather than the fact that the children continue to be born. (Unless I'm missing something in your intention.)

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Are freaks and empty souls  Suggest ‘with’ rather than ‘and’. Maybe ‘twisted’ rather than ‘empty’.
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and 
sickness
On an angry killing field
Rising social chaos
In a land without a shield
 

Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street 
The reference to ‘you’ weakens the impact of the notion of lawlessness. I suggest using an image that continues with how lawlessness is on the street, spreading like cancer.
Spreading like cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme  Better than ‘theme’ but sounds too organiised to be anarchic. Too clearly chosen simply to rhyme with ‘dream’. Can you find another word, or way to dramatise the point? For instance, ‘Make the bastard scream’? (Please note: The suggestion doesn’t reflect my own world view – it just sprang to mind in terms of the context. ;) )
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

V

Shitting out the children See my comment above.
To build an army's force   
Brainwashing the young   
Absent of remorse   Suggest ‘empty of remorse’.
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

 

Br

The chains have been removed In a situation of anarchy, I imagine chains being broken by the anarchists themselves rather than removed by an outside force.  Maybe ‘The chains have been thrown off’.
Everyone is free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch 
Lawlessness is here   
You can see it on the street
Spreading like  cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2 (revolving)

Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street 
In the papers, on the TV 

The breakdown not complete  All of the aforementioned makes it sounds as though the breakdown iscomplete. Maybe ‘The breakdown now complete’.
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom  
Suggest ‘fuel’ to replace ‘venom’. It’s also an alliteration with ‘fun’.
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

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Thinking about Donna's idea in the chorus 2nd line! 

Just an idea

 

Taking over on every street.... or similar?

I will add if I can think of anything else🙂

 

A consuming hate on every/the street?

 

trying to tie in with cancer as a sickness that consumes good cells! 

 

Still thinking! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street The reference to ‘you’ weakens the impact of the notion of lawlessness. I suggest using an image that continues with how lawlessness is on the street, spreading like cancer.
Spreading like cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme  Better than ‘theme’ but sounds too organiised to be anarchic. Too clearly chosen simply to rhyme with ‘dream’. Can you find another word, or way to dramatise the point? For instance, ‘Make the bastard scream’? (Please note: The suggestion doesn’t reflect my own world view – it just sprang to mind in terms of the context. ;) )
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

again thinking about Donna's comment!

 

I want to put a swear word in lol! 

 

Kill a cop for fun

Getting/get even is their goal

Blame the (f*+%ing)( may be abbreviate it to F'in)  government 

To hell with all their souls

 

Sorry if I have brought down the tone but if you use shitting and its metal could you get away with f word?

 

just ideas and this lyric is bugging me lol! I like it and only want to give ideas as I hear/read it and thought that swear word gave the chorus a bit of kick ass Boom!👊 

 

If out of line please say and I will remove my comment 🙂

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On 11/06/2018 at 15:40, nectar said:

Hi SpanishBuddah,

 

I'm not too familiar with metal as a genre or the conventions of metal, so please forgive me if I'm way off base with my nitpicking, but here it is:

 

 

Hi, Nectar

 

I've made some changes at the top of the thread and had several of your thoughts and others in mind regarding some of the line changes.  Regarding "to hell with any dream", I'm talking about the American dream.  I know you initially said you liked the bridge, but I've made some small changes to it.  I'm considering getting rid of the 2nd chorus all together.  Any thoughts?  I appreciate your observations.

 

Thanks for commenting

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On 11/06/2018 at 19:36, A Musical Key said:

Freaks and empty souls

Emerge from shadows 

Frothing to take control

By knife gun or illness

A choking death grip

Ah, the violence  of chaos

The lawless don't give a rip

 

 

On 13/06/2018 at 07:18, A Musical Key said:

I like revision 4, it reads more like a complete vision than version 1. But that's the way i's supposed to work  - you write, we suggest, you remodel and BAM! your lyric works. Now if you could only replace shitting with spawning, spewing, squatting or squeezing. But I can see why you'd want to keep shitting for street cred.

 

Good one!

Thanks Gary!  Gave some thought to the use of the word 'anarchy' and have decided to not use it.  Also, did away with the shit line starting off verse 2.  Have a look at top of thread when you have a moment.  Anything not work? Please let me know.  Thanks again, for your input. 

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On 11/06/2018 at 20:57, kuya said:

       It's getting better, actually getting quite good, but I agree with @nectar that the words battleship and fleet are not appropriate word choices here.

        Battles, as in hand to hand combat, are not fought on battleships. They're fought on battle fields, or in urban areas on the streets.  The former sailors among us will correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that battleships are probably rarely within sight of land, let alone the battlefield when they participate in battle.  So how is the land a battleship? 

          Killing trip could easily be changed to killing spree which would free up battleship to become a  [pick an adjective] scene, etc.

          For the same reason "fleet" isn't working here. 

 

Spreading like a cancer

blah blah blah  you meet or it meets    Cheat or defeat might work also

 

 

21 hours ago, kuya said:

I agree with @Peko. Good suggstions. 

 

V1  are freaks > feral freaks? 

V1 In a land without a shield > all the laws have been repealed

CH  see > feel

CH get even is the theme > payback time unleashed

V2 brainwashing > indoctrinate? 

v2 the goal is anarchy > Shouting "we want anarchy" or shouting anarchy 

Thank you, Kuya.  I'm addressing pretty much all of the lines or words that have been focused on. New version 5 is at top of thread, actually revision 5.  Feral freaks. lol  I like that, but take a look at what I did there. All the laws have been repealed, not bad but have something new there too.  Funny you mention 'indoctrinate'. I orginally had that in a first draft I did of this over a year ago.  Got rid of anarchy.  Any thoughts?   I appreciate your time, energy and thoughts.

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On 06/06/2018 at 20:38, spanishbuddha said:

Spreading like a cancer

Good rock lyric IMO.

I agree with kuya on the line above - needs another syllable.

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On 12/06/2018 at 02:59, Mr Distraction said:

Hi SB

 

I think the changes are working but like others the word "illness"?  I also thought sickness but more " a sickness" Aslo thought " They're on a killing trip" ? 

 

I want to use " plague" in the 2nd line of the chorus lol!

It's like a plague upon our streets, there's a plauge on our streets!

Something along those lines. Thought it went with the 3rd line?

 

I wanted to get away from the battleship line but you use fleet in the chorus! 

 

Like the way you listen and have changed this and sorry I can't give you comments as indepth as some but offer what I can 🙂

 

Nice write 👊

Cheers

Mr. D

Took you up on the plague idea. Love it.  Thanks!

16 hours ago, Mr Distraction said:

Thinking about Donna's idea in the chorus 2nd line! 

Just an idea

 

Taking over on every street.... or similar?

I will add if I can think of anything else🙂

 

A consuming hate on every/the street?

 

trying to tie in with cancer as a sickness that consumes good cells! 

 

Still thinking! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Check out new version revision 5 at top of thread

16 hours ago, Mr Distraction said:

 

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street The reference to ‘you’ weakens the impact of the notion of lawlessness. I suggest using an image that continues with how lawlessness is on the street, spreading like cancer.
Spreading like cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme  Better than ‘theme’ but sounds too organiised to be anarchic. Too clearly chosen simply to rhyme with ‘dream’. Can you find another word, or way to dramatise the point? For instance, ‘Make the bastard scream’? (Please note: The suggestion doesn’t reflect my own world view – it just sprang to mind in terms of the context. ;) )
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

again thinking about Donna's comment!

 

I want to put a swear word in lol! 

 

Kill a cop for fun

Getting/get even is their goal

Blame the (f*+%ing)( may be abbreviate it to F'in)  government 

To hell with all their souls

 

Sorry if I have brought down the tone but if you use shitting and its metal could you get away with f word?

 

just ideas and this lyric is bugging me lol! I like it and only want to give ideas as I hear/read it and thought that swear word gave the chorus a bit of kick ass Boom!👊 

 

If out of line please say and I will remove my comment 🙂

I removed the shit line. Bummer. Lol  Curse words are no problem for me and while I want to make a point I do want to build on or spread the audience appeal if at all possible. I hope I have done that with the changes I have made.  Let me know your thoughts Mr. D!

 

Thanks for commenting.

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23 hours ago, Peko said:

Hi, Carl,

 

This is really coming together and you're getting good suggestions from everybody.  How cool!  

All of the comments below are just ideas.  Your lyric is good as it is.

 

 

Thank you Patty!!   I've adopted more changes from your original post.  Have a looky!!

 

Carl 

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22 hours ago, DonnaMarilyn said:

Carl, this piece has come a long way with the edits. Just about ‘there’. ;) I agree with much of what Peko suggests. A couple of my own thoughts below, which I hope are useful.  

 

The main one involves ‘shitting out the children’. Mainly it doesn’t work for me because it’s anatomically incorrect. Also – and unintentionally, I know – it comes across as misogynistic. It appears to blame women for having the children, while in fact V2, lines 1&2, is about the anarchists using the children as – like in WWI and other wars – cannon fodder. 

How about something like ‘sacrificing children’ or a similar way to highlight that it’s that particular use/abuse of the children rather than the fact that the children continue to be born. (Unless I'm missing something in your intention.)

 

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Are freaks and empty souls  Suggest ‘with’ rather than ‘and’. Maybe ‘twisted’ rather than ‘empty’.
Plotting to disrupt  
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and 
sickness
On an angry killing field
Rising social chaos
In a land without a shield
 

Ch
Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street 
The reference to ‘you’ weakens the impact of the notion of lawlessness. I suggest using an image that continues with how lawlessness is on the street, spreading like cancer.
Spreading like cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme  Better than ‘theme’ but sounds too organiised to be anarchic. Too clearly chosen simply to rhyme with ‘dream’. Can you find another word, or way to dramatise the point? For instance, ‘Make the bastard scream’? (Please note: The suggestion doesn’t reflect my own world view – it just sprang to mind in terms of the context. ;) )
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

V

Shitting out the children See my comment above.
To build an army's force   
Brainwashing the young   
Absent of remorse   Suggest ‘empty of remorse’.
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead
The goal is anarchy 
In the distance up ahead

 

Ch

 

Br

The chains have been removed In a situation of anarchy, I imagine chains being broken by the anarchists themselves rather than removed by an outside force.  Maybe ‘The chains have been thrown off’.
Everyone is free
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be

 

Ch 
Lawlessness is here   
You can see it on the street
Spreading like  cancer

It's a plague we can't defeat  
Kill a cop for fun
Get even is the scheme
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................  is here  (softly spoken in an ominous tone)

 

Ch2 (revolving)

Lawlessness is here
You can see it on the street 
In the papers, on the TV 

The breakdown not complete  All of the aforementioned makes it sounds as though the breakdown iscomplete. Maybe ‘The breakdown now complete’.
Kill a cop for fun
Defy authority 
Outrage is venom  
Suggest ‘fuel’ to replace ‘venom’. It’s also an alliteration with ‘fun’.
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

Hi, Donna!!  I really appreciate the time and energy you've taken to critique what I've written and in detail.  Excellent suggestions. I think I've focused on just about everything you addressed in my latest revision.  Regarding the shit line, in my mind I was referencing something that has been going on for a very long time in the hood.  You may think this crazy but people actually give birth to multiple kids within a short time frame in some places, a year or two between them and live off the system, having kid after kid,  from which they collect money from the government by getting welfare.   I was told by someone in the hood who is familiar with the lay of the land, that it's a common practice among a few or more. They even went as far to say, some are in business for themselves doing this.   I most certainly don't want what I have written to come off as misogynistic . So, the shit line has been flushed down the toilet.  If it interests you and if you have the time, I would be interested to know what you think of revision 5 at the top of the thread.

 

Thank you very much

 

Carl

 

Oh one last thought!!!     Shall I scrap Chorus 2?  Not even sure it's necessary myself.

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54 minutes ago, PaulCanuck said:

Good rock lyric IMO.

I agree with kuya on the line above - needs another syllable.

Your referencing ''a" cancer meaning use the article rather than just have spreading like cancer, if I understood correctly?

 

Funny, in my original version I had "Spreading like a cancer". Actually it was 'Consuming like a cancer" but the article was in there.  OK it's back! and at top of thread.

 

You must have ESP Paul.  There's a rock song I keep singing by Pink Floyd and I envision Lawlessness to be very close to the vocal tone and mood on in my latest vision of how I would like this to sound. Yeah this could rock as a rock tune.

Here's the link of the Pink Floyd song I am talking about. In fact, everyone have a listen. I envision the words almost spoken or talked out much the way Pink Floyd has delivered on their song.  Here's the link below. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_yRvxy9HVs

 

Thanks for commenting, Paul

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Hi Carl 

This has evolved so much in to a great lyric👊

 

1st thing i thought of in the bridge and i mean as soon as i read it i thought

”The animals are free” 

 

Goes with wild! 

 

Good job bro👊

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Knives, guns, and sickness.............How about psychos

On an angry killing field..........spree instead of field

Where the violence won't yield.........As violence runs free

 

Just a couple of thoughts.

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On 06/06/2018 at 17:38, spanishbuddha said:

REVISION # 5

Hi Carl,  Aren't you just amazed at how your lyric is transforming?  I was going to say transforming into something evil and chaotic, but I suppose that could be taken wrong! 😃

I'm loving the way this is getting better each time you take a closer look at it.

 

Patty

 

On 06/06/2018 at 17:38, spanishbuddha said:

Lawlessness

 

V

Emerging from shadows
Vicious freaks, twisted souls                YES!
Show they've got control
Knives, guns, and sickness

On an angry killing field
Rising social chaos
Where the violence won't yield      (Not great yet.) Play with alternatives to "field" in L5 if you need more options for L7. You don't need "Where" if that gives you more flexibility.

 

Ch
Lawlessness is here

Taking over on the street  I like Plague better.  As a general suggestion, any time you have a choice between something conversational, like "taking over" and "a plague we can't defeat," go with the PLAGUE! 😃
Spreading like a cancer
It's a plague we can't defeat
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams  I like "a thousand screams."  Not sure about Induce
Blame the government
To hell with any dream
Lawlessness!  
Lawlessness!!  
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!..................
It's here (softly spoken in an ominous tone)  This is so much stronger and threatening than "is here."

 

V

Educate the children  Educate=normal & desirable.  Come up with a more ferocious line?
To build an army's force   
Channel the hatred   Good!
There is no remorse   That "is" again! Get angry! Show force! Some muscle here.
A jungle of fear      
Self destructive walking dead

Infection getting worse    "running rampant?"  Maybe you've used this before? But something like that.
For the future up ahead  redundant. You have half a line here to make it even scarier.

 

Ch

 

Br

The chains have been broken    Do your angry/destructive verb thing here, too, to make it wilder.
The inmates are free  I like this, and it would be even stronger if you exchange "are" for an action verb; e.g., The inmates run free.
Wild without boundaries
There's no telling what will be  
You can make this more terrifying.

 

Ch
 

 

Ch2     (NOT EVEN SURE I NEED THIS EXTRA Ch) THOUGHTS?  I don't know either. Do you have music?  That can make it easy to decide just by singing it both ways.

 

Specific lines on chopping block potentially if this chorus remains. Chopping block lines are in bold red.  Same comments apply from above choruses.

Lawlessness is here
Taking over on the street
In the papers, on the TV

The breakdown not complete  But we know it is.
Kill a cop for fun
Induce a thousand screams
Outrage is venom
For the crisis that we see 
Lawlessness!
Lawlessness!!
Lawlessness!!! sss sssss  sssss!!!.................. is here

 

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Hi S

 

     From a viewpoint of subject matter to write about, Im not sure it had the impact or grit of a metal lyric. I would say read and listen to "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses and you'll get what I mean. The story line there is someone who is "part of the jungle" and lives it. Your third person approach comes across more like a folk singer talking of the woes of societies decay(which is fine for folk).

 

    The word "lawlessness" would be a mouthful to pull off even with the meanest lower toned growl and still come off aggressive. So, in closing, you have a story line, but maybe it wasnt meant for that style of music.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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19 hours ago, Mr Distraction said:

Hi Carl 

This has evolved so much in to a great lyric👊

 

1st thing i thought of in the bridge and i mean as soon as i read it i thought

”The animals are free” 

 

Goes with wild! 

 

Good job bro👊

I like the idea that the animals are free except for one problem. Heehee I love animals and would never compare rotten or sick human behavior to our friends in the wild who are doing what comes natural to them.  

Monsters might work better than inmates.  Hmm, but I see your point about being like an animal that is wild.   Let me think on it.  I appreciate the feedback, Mr. D.  Thanks for the encouragement!  :)

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19 hours ago, Barneyboy said:

Knives, guns, and sickness.............How about psychos

On an angry killing field..........spree instead of field

Where the violence won't yield.........As violence runs free

 

Just a couple of thoughts.

Good suggestions. I'll taken em!!  Thank you!

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18 hours ago, Peko said:

 

 

Patty

 

Keep your eye on the changes. There's a new updated version/revision 6,  I posted at top of thread on Friday June 15, 2018. 

 

Thanks for your comments! Still working on some of the lines in question. 

 

Carl

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6 hours ago, R-N-R Jim said:

Hi S

 

     From a viewpoint of subject matter to write about, Im not sure it had the impact or grit of a metal lyric. I would say read and listen to "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses and you'll get what I mean. The story line there is someone who is "part of the jungle" and lives it. Your third person approach comes across more like a folk singer talking of the woes of societies decay(which is fine for folk).

 

    The word "lawlessness" would be a mouthful to pull off even with the meanest lower toned growl and still come off aggressive. So, in closing, you have a story line, but maybe it wasnt meant for that style of music.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

Jim

 

I'm very familiar with "Welcome To The Jungle".  You may be correct. Don't know regarding this being more suited to a folk song. Right before Paul posted his thoughts about what I wrote being potentially a rock song, I kept hearing a song by Pink Floyd that registered in the way I envision this in one of perhaps several ways in which it could be delivered.  I think the "Lawlessness" word itself can be pulled off as I intend it to almost be spoken. In fact, I provided an example of how I envision this in terms of a vocal tone and the way in which the song I used in my response to Paul, I thought was almost talked out, spoken. Can see it like this.  I'll provide it again here in case you missed it, that and guns n roses.  Welcome to the jungle. Love it. haha,  Links are below. 

 

Pink Floyd

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_yRvxy9HVs

 

 

Guns N Roses

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1tj2zJ2Wvg

 

 

Thanks for the comments

 

 

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Nor sure if the "chains have been broken" coupled with "inmates" work for this song.  It seems to add confusion to the lyrics...possibly making it sound like the song is about a jailbreak instead of a rising tide of disillusioned and unstable people turning to violence.  

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Cool lyric man! Perfect for a cool ass heavy rock song. 

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Posted (edited)

Hi Carl

Back again lol!

 

I have been thinking on the bridge after reading posts and wondered if his helps as a possible angle?

 

The gates have been opened

On an unsuspecting/naive society

The savages unleashed

There's no saving humanity

 

The gates have been opened

Our nightmares are set free

The savages unleashed

???

 

I just edited and added this and wondered would the last 2 lines work if "Time" was the 1st word for both? Not saying use it just more ideas as I think about this lyric and hope they spark ideas for you and others👊

 

The gates have been opened

The savages/Demons (are) unleashed

Fear your worst nightmare/Time for your/our worst nightmare

Prepare/time to face the beast

 

edit

Prepare for the nightmare

Time to face the beast

 

 

 

This line was prompted by Patty and again just ideas to play with

 

Twist/corrupt the minds of children.......instead of educate! 

 

I love this thread it is so full of great ideas and possibilities! 

 

Mr D

Edited by Mr Distraction

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Hi, I have a few thoughts. Please know I spend my time writing words, not music...or lyrics, so these thoughts might not be relevant- then again, they may cross over to a cool heavy rock song! I hope that's alright! 

 

 

A little rearranging suggestion-

 

Emerging from shadows,

Vicious freaks, twisted souls,

Psycho's plotting to disrupt,

A rising social chaos. 

Violence runs free 

On an angry killing spree. 

 

(The reasoning is...it builds from like a weaker thing to a stronger one, the words and the weight they carry get more evocative...starting with the plot to disrupt to the social chaos- to violence running free -which- is the cause of the next line, the angry killing spree...it just feels more like natural progression to me. 

 

Lawless is here. 

It's taken (instead of -ing because -is here in the first C)

 

 

-The word jungle in the second verse feels jarring...In connecting the first v to the second and being that violence is running free at the end of the first V..'Educate' -I see it's a word up for changing...maybe think about...are you meaning like....educate as in...Train? Enlighten? Corrupt? Coach, indoctrinate? Show them the ropes? What is the jungle of fear? The streets? It doesn't feel like it goes with the rest. Maybe Jungle gym? ties it to the children...and maybe switch...like 

 

In a jungle of fear, 

There is no remorse,

The children up ahead  

Where the future is

Are walking dead, (already infected... ?)

 

I really like the BR a lot...I love the 'to be' words and I think they are strong when presented right. The last line...feels weaker compared to the rest-because you've already told us what is and what will be- LAWLESSNESS and violence running free and murderous children...Maybe the last line...something with anarchy? Or a connection to the first verse- on a killing spree?

 

Just general thoughts... there's some competing things here that don't give a clear...impression or cohesive or metaphorical resonance....the psycho's, and children, and inmates....jungles and broken chains...I ..

 

Just some thoughts from a person who has never written a song...but I love music, thank you for sharing and so I hope the feedback is not minded!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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29 minutes ago, Dawnserly said:

Hi, I have a few thoughts. Please know I spend my time writing words, not music...or lyrics, so these thoughts might not be relevant- then again, they may cross over to a cool heavy rock song! I hope that's alright! 

 

 

A little rearranging suggestion-

 

Emerging from shadows,

Vicious freaks, twisted souls,

Psycho's plotting to disrupt,

A rising social chaos. 

Violence runs free 

On an angry killing spree. 

 

(The reasoning is...it builds from like a weaker thing to a stronger one, the words and the weight they carry get more evocative...starting with the plot to disrupt to the social chaos- to violence running free -which- is the cause of the next line, the angry killing spree...it just feels more like natural progression to me. 

 

Lawless is here. 

It's taken (instead of -ing because -is here in the first C)

 

 

-The word jungle in the second verse feels jarring...In connecting the first v to the second and being that violence is running free at the end of the first V..'Educate' -I see it's a word up for changing...maybe think about...are you meaning like....educate as in...Train? Enlighten? Corrupt? Coach, indoctrinate? Show them the ropes? What is the jungle of fear? The streets? It doesn't feel like it goes with the rest. Maybe Jungle gym? ties it to the children...and maybe switch...like 

 

In a jungle of fear, 

There is no remorse,

The children up ahead  

Where the future is

Are walking dead, (already infected... ?)..........These lines are actually pretty good.

 

I really like the BR a lot...I love the 'to be' words and I think they are strong when presented right. The last line...feels weaker compared to the rest-because you've already told us what is and what will be- LAWLESSNESS and violence running free and murderous children...Maybe the last line...something with anarchy? Or a connection to the first verse- on a killing spree?

 

Just general thoughts... there's some competing things here that don't give a clear...impression or cohesive or metaphorical resonance....the psycho's, and children, and inmates....jungles and broken chains...I ..

 

Just some thoughts from a person who has never written a song...but I love music, thank you for sharing and so I hope the feedback is not minded!

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you disrupt a social chaos? Doesn't social chaos, in and of itself, suggest disruption.

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