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Short Order Kook

Waitin' On You Blues

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Here's a blues song I wrote a year or so ago and submitted for this past month's lyric contest.  Instructions for scoring were to ask yourself how well the lyric flows/rhymes?  Does it create emotions?  Can you imagine it set to music?  I received several low (low in the sense that the song was considered below average by many) scores in the May lyrics competition.  Any feedback on this is much appreciated either as it relates to the instructions or otherwise.  Thanks!

 

WAITING ON YOU BLUES

Duet (key: male part = regular font; female part = italics; together = bold)

 

Ch1:

I've been waiting on you (4x)

 

V1:

Seems like I always wait on you                                    

My patience is wearing thru for you, oh you                            

Waiting on your help, to go somewhere                                

To get off the phone, to fix your hair, oh you, oh you

 

Ch2:

I've been waiting on you (4x)

 

V2:
Seems like I always wait on you                                    

My patience is wearing thru for you, oh you                            

Making your dinner, folding your clothes                            

Your on the couch, watchin' your shows, oh you, oh you

 

{Interlude}

 

V3

Seems like I always wait on you                                  

But then I think, why sit and stew?, its you, oh you                          

The truth's I'll wait on you all day                                  

To see you smile and walk my way anew, oh you

 

V4

And though you sometimes rile me dear       

I want you close, I need you near, oh you, yes you        

Waitin on each other, its part of our glue                     

That's why I'll always wait on you, oh you, oh you

 

Ch3:

We were waiting on each other (I will always wait on you)                    

There's no waiting for another (I will always wait on you)                    

Without you I would be blue                                   

I will always wait on you, oh you

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There's no real progression. It basically says the same thing through out.  I suppose it could work.

 

Chorus needs some juice or a jazzed up way of saying the same thing 4 times regarding 1st & 2nd Choruses.

 

Perhaps a little variation?

 

Chorus 1 & 2

I've been waitin' on you    Waitin' sounds better for a blues song to me.

I've been waitin' on you

I've been waitin'

I've been waitin'

I've been waitin' on you

 

Does it create feelings, emotions?    Mildly.  Reminds of someone. It's simple and I think singable. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Some style issues.

 

This needs a bluesy feel. Make your lyric effortless to read. Ditch the key. Write out your chorus.  "Waiting on you" is not a phrase used often. "Oh you" reads weak to me esp as  a rhyme for "on you."

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Hi SOK, 

        I gave this a 3.5 in the contest. I definately saw the potential here but I felt the chorus was undeveloped and it hurt it. It's hard for me to picture the chorus sung as is. Wait wait waiting so frustrating teeth are grating im debating why im waiting on you-- lots of ways to develop the chorus. 

          The first two verses they complain about waiting and the next two verses they explain why its worth the wait. The voices could easily sing every other line of the verses with just a few minor line swaps too.  There's not a lot of story but there's enough I think. 

         There's a  waiting song that comes to mind. Waiting for katie by kahn and shapiro which is a really old 20s jazz type song. "Our Appointment was for 7 and it's a quarter after 8. If she's not here by 11 well then I'll just have to wait..."

         i can hear this done in that kind of style, and probably many styles would work. Very likeable lyric. Worth a few tweaks for sure!  Hope this helps. 

          

         

        

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It's cute with a bit of a country feel I guess..... a little bit lite on for me though

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Hi SOK,

 

I gave this a 4 in the contest.

 

On the positive side - there is structure and a start here; but now the hard work starts for the songwriter...

                             - an interesting idea; "I've been waitin' on you while you've been waitin' on me' - that's great!

                               but needs filling out with interesting/surprising development in both the chorus and verses imho

 

On the negative - there is no real development throughout

                        - there is a lot of simplistic rhyming going on (you/blue/glue...) which is a turn-off for me I'm afraid

 

There is structure here but now the hard work begins - I'd recommend trying to find some surprising relationship issues for the verses - 

one liners - lots of them (20-30) - don't try and rhyme anything too early - that will tend to limit the ideas.  Don't be satisfied too easily

- work at it and then whittle the ideas down to the best ones to hang the verses around.

 

In the chorus your main idea is very good! - just needs to be developed it a bit - for example: 

I've been waitin' on you

I didn't know

Oh I didn't know - you where waitinn' on me too

I didn't know...

 

This would be something both the man and the woman could sing (at different times in the song) which would set-up the verses for the 'pay-off'

- the fresh and surprising lines about their relationship that will take some work to tease out, but will take the lyric to another level.

 

There is potential here - keep at it! - it's hard work but the buzz it will give you if you can find some good/fresh verse ideas to complement

the interesting start idea you have in the chorus will be worth it.

 

Best of luck with it SOK!

 

Andy

 

 

 

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Thank you for the feedback so far. 

 

I will readily admit that this is not one of my most interesting writes, but I'm pretty satisfied in that it is true to what I was aiming for.  It's sort of a song about what I'll call an ordinary relationship between a woman and a man.  There are no fireworks, no long kisses on the beach, no romance.  It's a story about long, seasoned relationships that I have observed.  People that get annoyed with the little quirks about their partner, bicker a little, but ultimately love the person anyway.  They share so much history with each other and so many good times (the fireworks and romance are much more sporadic than what you see in the focus of so many movies, shows or songs), that these little annoyances are trivial and maybe funny when you look back at them.  I was hopeful that this would connect with a lot of people that are familiar with this sort of husband-wife dynamic.

 

When I originally presented this to Justin, I introduced it as a sort of Archie Bunker/Edith Bunker song (dating myself a little, but people that knew the American sitcom All in the Family will know what I mean), but I ended up taking that reference out.  The husband is a often in his own world, impatient, annoyed by having to wait for his wife to do anything.  "Waiting on" as used by him, is slang for "waiting for".  The wife, who is probably more patient, is annoyed by constantly looking after things that her husband ignores around the house.  "Waiting on" in her case, is like waitress or waiter's "waiting on". Archie and Edith are sort of an extreme version of this kind of relationship. I liked this idea of a husband and wife being so close together, and using the same phrase, but using the same phrase differently due to their point of view, their relationships with each other and the cultural landscape that they live in.

 

I've seen it written on this board many times, that lyrics are only half of the song.  I did this little video project with two of my kids when I wrote this song that has become a family keepsake.  It presents my son, adorned with a man's hat and a fake mustache acting out his part and my daughter acting out the wife's part.  It is pretty funny.  When it goes into the Chorus "I've been waitin' on you" my son is shown either pacing about in the kitchen with his head down, sighing dramatically, wrapping his fingers on the table.  The four lines of waiting on you make the listener wait with the character in the story, which I think works well in the video.  When it goes into the Chorus for my daughter's part, she is busy running around the house, picking up, getting dinner ready, etc.  One scene has her handing him toilet paper through a cracked open bathroom door.  You feel sorry for her character, dealing with this oafish--though lovable husband as "I've been waitin' on you" repeats four times.  Without this imagery I think this song probably suffers.

 

On to the feedback:

 

13 hours ago, spanishbuddha said:

Chorus needs some juice or a jazzed up way of saying the same thing 4 times regarding 1st & 2nd Choruses.

 

Perhaps a little variation?

 

Chorus 1 & 2

I've been waitin' on you    Waitin' sounds better for a blues song to me.

I've been waitin' on you

I've been waitin'

I've been waitin'

I've been waitin' on you

 

Does it create feelings, emotions?    Mildly.  Reminds of someone. It's simple and I think singable. 

Some variation might work.  I'll think on that.  Yes the emotions conveyed are not strong.  The emotion I'm trying to convey is humor about the mundane, but as I say above it is probably hard to see that without hearing the song and a performance of the song.

 

12 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

Some style issues.

 

 

 

This needs a bluesy feel. Make your lyric effortless to read. Ditch the key. Write out your chorus.  "Waiting on you" is not a phrase used often. "Oh you" reads weak to me esp as  a rhyme for "on you."

Yes, I think I learned a little how to write lyrics to make them more accessible (write out the chorus), though I thought the key would help with that.  "Waiting on you" is phrase I'm very familiar with.  "Oh you" is singing fill, to help give it a bluesy feel.

 

8 hours ago, kuya said:

Hi SOK, 

        I gave this a 3.5 in the contest. I definately saw the potential here but I felt the chorus was undeveloped and it hurt it. It's hard for me to picture the chorus sung as is. Wait wait waiting so frustrating teeth are grating im debating why im waiting on you-- lots of ways to develop the chorus. 

          The first two verses they complain about waiting and the next two verses they explain why its worth the wait. The voices could easily sing every other line of the verses with just a few minor line swaps too.  There's not a lot of story but there's enough I think. 

         There's a  waiting song that comes to mind. Waiting for katie by kahn and shapiro which is a really old 20s jazz type song. "Our Appointment was for 7 and it's a quarter after 8. If she's not here by 11 well then I'll just have to wait..."

         i can hear this done in that kind of style, and probably many styles would work. Very likeable lyric. Worth a few tweaks for sure!  Hope this helps. 

I can see how the chorus can be seen as undeveloped.  It is.  But as I note above, the idea is to have the listener wait with the characters.  I think that's hard to convey without the musical performance side of the song.  I really like your "wait wait waiting, so frustrating teeth are grating, etc..."  I'll think on that for the chorus or maybe a bridge?  On the verse set up 2 verses complaining, two verses explaining worth the wait, I'm trying to be sensitive to the overall length of the song.  Hoping it conveys enough.  It probably fits into 3.5 minutes right now.  I'll try to look up Kahn and Shapiro.  I'm not familiar with their song or with them.

 

7 hours ago, mick70 said:

It's cute with a bit of a country feel I guess..... a little bit lite on for me though

Thanks mick70.

 

6 hours ago, AndyLeF said:

Hi SOK,

 

I gave this a 4 in the contest.

 

On the positive side - there is structure and a start here; but now the hard work starts for the songwriter...

                             - an interesting idea; "I've been waitin' on you while you've been waitin' on me' - that's great!

                               but needs filling out with interesting/surprising development in both the chorus and verses imho

 

On the negative - there is no real development throughout

                        - there is a lot of simplistic rhyming going on (you/blue/glue...) which is a turn-off for me I'm afraid

 

There is structure here but now the hard work begins - I'd recommend trying to find some surprising relationship issues for the verses - 

one liners - lots of them (20-30) - don't try and rhyme anything too early - that will tend to limit the ideas.  Don't be satisfied too easily

- work at it and then whittle the ideas down to the best ones to hang the verses around.

 

In the chorus your main idea is very good! - just needs to be developed it a bit - for example: 

I've been waitin' on you

I didn't know

Oh I didn't know - you where waitinn' on me too

I didn't know...

 

This would be something both the man and the woman could sing (at different times in the song) which would set-up the verses for the 'pay-off'

- the fresh and surprising lines about their relationship that will take some work to tease out, but will take the lyric to another level.

 

There is potential here - keep at it! - it's hard work but the buzz it will give you if you can find some good/fresh verse ideas to complement

the interesting start idea you have in the chorus will be worth it.

 

Best of luck with it SOK!

 

Andy

 

Thanks for your comments.  I guess I feel like the blues is one of those genre's where it's ok to strip down the song to it's bare essence.  Yes the rhyming is simplistic in this case, but I submit that is also common with blues lyrics as well.  I find that most of the blues are dependent on a decent blues riff--on the music--and the lyrics are often very spare.  Still those are wise words "don't be satisfied too easily."  I realize now that I wrote at the top of this post that I'm satisfied with what I was aiming for, but maybe I shouldn't be.  I'll try to get the song posted at some point in the future.  I'm not comfortable posting the video I describe above to the entire internet (I'm a little sensitive about sharing videos of my kids).  I like your one liner song writing exercise idea.  I'll give it a shot.

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SOK,

 

I got the "comfortable" vibe and I appreciated what you were going for.  It's a sweet story, in a way:  You annoy the heck out of me on a daily basis, but you're worth it in the long run."  No champagne and roses here, but that's OK. I get it, and I think a lot of couples would smile at it.

 

Patty

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I liked this and gave it a pretty decent rating in the contest. I felt it was very singable and featured a scenario that I think will resonate with many people who have been in a long-term relationship.

 

I also like the idea of having a split between male and female vocals. (Ty Cobb suggested that this approach might work with the lyric I entered in the contest and it's an interesting approach that probably tends to get overlooked).

 

The chorus is simple and that may have put some people off, but I think it could work musically. Something I've been reflecting on recently is that when I listen to some of my favourite songs the choruses are often much more simple than the choruses that are often seen on this site

 

I get the point that others have made about a lack of progression. One thought from me - how about making the gender roles less stereotypical? For example, in verse 2 you have the woman saying 'Making your dinner, folding your clothes'. Maybe switch that round and have the man saying that?    

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On 06/06/2018 at 12:53, Short Order Kook said:

Here's a blues song I wrote a year or so ago and submitted for this past month's lyric contest.  Instructions for scoring were to ask yourself how well the lyric flows/rhymes?  Does it create emotions?  Can you imagine it set to music?  I received several low (low in the sense that the song was considered below average by many) scores in the May lyrics competition.  Any feedback on this is much appreciated either as it relates to the instructions or otherwise.  Thanks!

 

WAITING ON YOU BLUES

Duet (key: male part = regular font; female part = italics; together = bold)

 

Ch1:

I've been waiting on you (4x)

 

V1:

Seems like I always wait on you                                    

My patience is wearing thru for you, oh you   ......Never heard the expression "wearing thru for you." It's always been "wearing thin."                          

Waiting on your help, to go somewhere    ..........Somehow I'm not feeling the waiting on your help line.  Seems that really doesn't belong with this thought.                             

To get off the phone, to fix your hair, oh you, oh you  

 

Ch2:

I've been waiting on you (4x)

 

V2:
Seems like I always wait on you                                    

My patience is wearing thru for you, oh you                            

Making your dinner, folding your clothes                            

Your on the couch, watchin' your shows, oh you, oh you  ...........The waiting on you thought has quite a different meaning when she's singing - here she sounds like your servant whereas in v1 you are just waiting for her to her to get ready. 

 

{Interlude}

 

V3

Seems like I always wait on you                                  

But then I think, why sit and stew?, its you, oh you                          

The truth's I'll wait on you all day                                  

To see you smile and walk my way anew, oh you

 

V4

And though you sometimes rile me dear       

I want you close, I need you near, oh you, yes you        

Waitin on each other, its part of our glue                     

That's why I'll always wait on you, oh you, oh you

 

Ch3:

We were waiting on each other (I will always wait on you)                    

There's no waiting for another (I will always wait on you)                    

Without you I would be blue                                   

I will always wait on you, oh you....To be honest, these last 2 lines are kind of corny. 

Didn't think this went anywhere.  - you are irritated in v1 but love it in v3 - kind of like a Brad Paisley moment in his song.   A simple repeating line ch but not very interesting.  I just don't think this works as a duet. You need to focus on one or the other. I'm not getting a bluesy feel and I'm not buying the story. 

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I thought the lyric had playful tone, and sincere feel, I liked it.  I don't hear it as blues at all, however, at least not in traditional sense.  I hear more of a lighter Alison Krauss americana  vibe, fwiw. 

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Hi SOK

 

I gave this a 3.5 - although reading it again now I think I was too harsh.

I like the repetition of you you you.. :)

As far as suggs, the biggest issue I noticed is that he is waiting for her (to "get off the phone" and "fix her hair") and she's waiting on him (making his dinner, folding his clothes) so there is an inequity at work here. But you don't address it - you make them OK with it. But as an outside observer - I wanted it addressed. Either that, or have them both wait on each other the same way :)

 

Paul

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On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 16:57, Peko said:

SOK,

 

I got the "comfortable" vibe and I appreciated what you were going for.  It's a sweet story, in a way:  You annoy the heck out of me on a daily basis, but you're worth it in the long run."  No champagne and roses here, but that's OK. I get it, and I think a lot of couples would smile at it.

 

Patty

Thanks Patty

On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 20:00, Barneyboy said:

Never heard the expression "wearing thru for you." It's always been "wearing thin." 

That's a good point

On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 20:00, Barneyboy said:

The waiting on you thought has quite a different meaning when she's singing - here she sounds like your servant whereas in v1 you are just waiting for her to her to get ready. 

Ya, if you read above in a previous post I explain why, you must have skipped that

On ‎07‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 20:00, Barneyboy said:

Didn't think this went anywhere.  - you are irritated in v1 but love it in v3 - kind of like a Brad Paisley moment in his song.   A simple repeating line ch but not very interesting.  I just don't think this works as a duet. You need to focus on one or the other. I'm not getting a bluesy feel and I'm not buying the story. 

Oh well, some people won't get it.  If you read above in my previous post I address some of your observations I think.  I'm not familiar with Brad Paisley.

 

20 hours ago, 9thStLine said:

I thought the lyric had playful tone, and sincere feel, I liked it.  I don't hear it as blues at all, however, at least not in traditional sense.  I hear more of a lighter Alison Krauss americana  vibe, fwiw. 

Thanks 9thStLine

4 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

Hi SOK

 

I gave this a 3.5 - although reading it again now I think I was too harsh.

I like the repetition of you you you.. :)

As far as suggs, the biggest issue I noticed is that he is waiting for her (to "get off the phone" and "fix her hair") and she's waiting on him (making his dinner, folding his clothes) so there is an inequity at work here. But you don't address it - you make them OK with it. But as an outside observer - I wanted it addressed. Either that, or have them both wait on each other the same way :)

 

Paul

Thanks Paul.  It's a good observation about the inequity.  In my mind they are both working class people and hard workers, but that doesn't necessarily come through the song.  When he says waiting on your help, what I had in my imagination is him doing a do it yourself project and he needed her to hold something for a second, but she's doing something else.

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