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Haven't been around for a while. This is something I'm working on.  It may be complete.

 

Nothing Here

©FrankeeLee Fabian 2018

 

Your hands don’t excite me

Your kiss leaves me cold

And the secrets we’ve shared

They’ve all been told

 

Don’t say you still want me

It won’t change my mind

I’m not chasing that dream

I left it behind

 

I waited years to feel the world spin

And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Inst.

 

My hearts cloaked in steel, now

I can’t feel it beat

I’ll chase down my future

With the soles of my feet

 

Don’t stand in my way

You’re yesterday’s news

You’re useless to me

Like an old pair of shoes

 

I waited years to feel the world spin

And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Maybe there’s love

Maybe there’s fate

Maybe there’s anger

Maybe there’s hate

Whatever it is

I know I can’t wait

 

But there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You can’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

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I like this, no nits on it.  I could hear it sung by a real songstress (Pat Benetar, for example) with softer verses and powerhouse choruses.

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Hi

My only questions are that as this is a song about love lost why is it all so even? It feels too stable to me. How do you intend to make that work musically, and sound genuine.

 

The chorus looks like the verse structure with, "theres nothing there" repeated 4 times after it. That may cause a lack of melodic variation between verse and chorus, because it removes the option of rhythmic variation between verse and chorus. Except for the back end of the chorus where the rhythm is different. 

 

I would say to make this work you need to make the chorus more edgy feeling an odd number of lines and no XAXA rhyme scheme. 

My feeling is that something like this would work 

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

If you chant that to a drum loop you should be able to feel the emptiness.

 

Then chant your original and you won't feel that because it's stable and it's an issue of lack of prosody.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

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On 14/05/2018 at 17:18, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

 

FrankieLee, you have something really good here. Some comments below in blue.

 

Quote

 

Haven't been around for a while. This is something I'm working on.  It may be complete.

 

Nothing Here

©FrankeeLee Fabian 2018

 

Your hands don’t excite me  Really good V1.  Great set up!

Your kiss leaves me cold

And the secrets we’ve shared

They’ve all been told

 

Don’t say you still want me  Excellent expansion of V1 idea.  I'm on board!

It won’t change my mind

I’m not chasing that dream

I left it behind

 

I waited years to feel the world spin    

And I’ll never do that, ever again    OK.  Got it!

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here           Now, I'm wondering.  Doth she protest too much?

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Inst.

 

My hearts cloaked in steel, now   This Verse and the next don't seem to add anything.  They both feel repetitious.  Well written, but old news.

I can’t feel it beat

I’ll chase down my future

With the souls of my feet

 

Don’t stand in my way

You’re yesterday’s news

You’re useless to me

Like an old pair of shoes

 

I waited years to feel the world spin

And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here          Same issue here. Introducing a conflicting suggestion by the emphatic repetition.

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Maybe there’s love

Maybe there’s fate

Maybe there’s anger

Maybe there’s hate

Whatever it is

I know I can’t wait    I hear "I can't wait" and I think "Oh, boy! I'm excited!"  Which doesn't fit with anger and hate.  So maybe you mean, " I know I won't wait?"  Actually, I don't know what you mean here, and I would like to.

 

But there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You can’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here      Same as above.  Maybe Gary's suggestion about changing the structure and playing with stability/instability would solve my disconnect with this.

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

It's a very good lyric, and just a few more tweaks should make it stellar.

 

Good luck!

 

Patty

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On 14/05/2018 at 19:18, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

Haven't been around for a while. This is something I'm working on.  It may be complete.

 

Nothing Here

©FrankeeLee Fabian 2018

 

Your hands don’t excite me

Your kiss leaves me cold

And the secrets we’ve shared

They’ve all been told   For a folk song, the plot here seems rather cold. Set up is iffy.

 

Don’t say you still want me

It won’t change my mind

I’m not chasing that dream

I left it behind Sometimes being vague in a universal way works, but there hasnt been anything up to now that would make a listener seem even the remote interested in this lyric.

 

I waited years to feel the world spin

And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here Nothing sets up this chorus. We dont know "what there was" to begin with. Folk in some ways is like country. This has been an under developed story with metaphors just dangling in the wind.

 

Inst.

 

My hearts cloaked in steel, now

I can’t feel it beat

I’ll chase down my future

With the souls of my feet

 

Don’t stand in my way

You’re yesterday’s news

You’re useless to me

Like an old pair of shoes

 

I waited years to feel the world spin

And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Maybe there’s love

Maybe there’s fate

Maybe there’s anger

Maybe there’s hate

Whatever it is

I know I can’t wait oddly this verse or outro has more substance than the whole lyric put together.

 

But there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You can’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

 

Hi F

 

  This does have some emotion, but really no plot or developed story line to attach itself to. The "why" it didnt work is absent or the motives why this ex-lover is attempting a comeback is no where to be found. Some times the music can fill in the blanks, but there isnt enough story line to attach itself to. For the most part, the words are structured well enough where they do sing off the page...but if they arent saying anything, then you've lost your audience before you even get to the chorus.

  As a melody/songwriter myself, I'll read lyrics here and try to imagine if they would inspire a melody and for me, there wasnt enough of a story to inspire anything inside to pick up a guitar and start strumming away. Again, this is just my opinion here. But when writing a lyric (unless you're just writing for yourself) keep these little tid bits in mind:

 

1) Could you see anyone singing these lyrics in public with confidence?

2) Do you think a melody writer would be inspired enough to write a melody around this lyric?

3) Are the words and phrasing easy to sing?

 

   So for me, the characters or under lining story just wasnt developed enough, especially for folk.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

 

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Thank you, Mike, for reading and commenting.  Greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you, Snabbu, for reading and commenting. I notice you do quite a bit of extensive comments but I don't believe I've read any of your lyrics. That always helps me to better understand where  someone might be coming from in terms of how they incorporate their suggestions into their own work. Maybe you can post some of your lyrics for us to read?

 

Thank you , Peko. appreciate your generous comments and suggestions.

 

Thank you, Jim, for your comments. (I think you're fixated on the "folk" label. It's more alternative/indie.)

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Just a thought. The chorus takes up quite a bit of space and (to my mind) doesn't add a lot.

 

What if you cut it out and had a simple chorus: I waited years to feel the world spin/And I’ll never do that, ever again

 

It works nicely at the end, following the "I know I can't wait" too.

 

You may not feel the same, but it just feels tighter to me.

 

Your hands don’t excite me
Your kiss leaves me cold
And the secrets we’ve shared
They’ve all been told
 
Don’t say you still want me
It won’t change my mind
I’m not chasing that dream
I left it behind
 
I waited years to feel the world spin
And I’ll never do that, ever again
 
My hearts cloaked in steel, now
I can’t feel it beat
I’ll chase down my future
With the souls of my feet (soles?)
 
Don’t stand in my way
You’re yesterday’s news
You’re useless to me
Like an old pair of shoes
 
I waited years to feel the world spin
And I’ll never do that, ever again
 
Maybe there’s love
Maybe there’s fate
Maybe there’s anger
Maybe there’s hate
Whatever it is
I know I can’t wait

 

I waited years to feel the world spin
And I’ll never do that, ever again

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Hi Alistair, I'll play around with your suggestion. When I wrote the chorus it was meant to be sung very slow and sad, almost dirge-like in parts, with the repetition meant to amplify the resignation of the situation. Having said that, I do find your suggestion intriguing and I'll see how it matches up with my sense of the overall lyric. Many thanks for your thoughts.

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On 18/05/2018 at 07:07, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

Thank you, Mike, for reading and commenting.  Greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you, Snabbu, for reading and commenting. I notice you do quite a bit of extensive comments but I don't believe I've read any of your lyrics. That always helps me to better understand where  someone might be coming from in terms of how they incorporate their suggestions into their own work. Maybe you can post some of your lyrics for us to read?

 

Thank you , Peko. appreciate your generous comments and suggestions.

 

Thank you, Jim, for your comments. (I think you're fixated on the "folk" label. It's more alternative/indie.)

Hi Frankylee

 

I will post something that I have written lyric first, rather than music first to a plan, to generate variation in the melodies. Tension and release etc. 

I should be able to have the music up in a couple of days. It's a big mix is all so it's taking forever. But I'l stick the lyric up today and you can then see in a few days what melodies it generated.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Good work here - has a nice flow - and stays true to the hook to the end.

Gets to the hook in a timely manner too :)

Now, about the hook - it is good - but not good enough to support the kind of repetition you give to the whole phrase.

If this were mine I would think about shortening the first chorus:

 

On ‎14‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 20:18, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

Second time around I would do this:

 

On ‎14‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 20:18, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

Now there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You don’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

Nothing here

then the finale :

 

On ‎14‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 20:18, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

But there’s nothing here

It’s over, it’s empty

There’s nothing left

You can’t even tempt me

No, there’s nothing here

There’s nothing here

Nothing here

Nothing..

 

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I've only just joined the board, but I've been lurking for a while and I really like the songs you've posted, FrankeeLee - I thought that 'Subway Girls' was a great song, one of the best I've seen on here.

 

This doesn't quite captivate me in the same way. The subject of the song is one that many people will be able to relate to, and I like the way that the second verse thematically builds on the first. I like the way 'old pair of shoes' builds on 'soles of my feet'.

 

There's a lot of repetition in the chorus - both literal and repetition of the same idea in different words (though I'm sure you could find a way to make it work in an actual performance rather than in words on a lyrics board). It makes a statement but doesn't really expand on it. I like the final verse/outro, but 'maybe there's fate' seems a little bit strange, occurring in a list of emotions around the end of the relationship.

 

Anyway, keep writing them (I look forward to reading them)!

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Hi Frankee,

         Another excellent lyric! This could have been a contender in the collab contest. One thing I noticed is that the verses 1, 2, 3 and 4 could be reordered to 1 2 4 3 and it might even be stronger.  (Maybe--maybe not) You don't excite me, Don't waste your time talking, I can't wait to see what the new future holds for me, and Get out of my way are the themes, more or less,  of the verses. 

         I feel there is enough story progression in the verses. I don't think you're repeating yourself.

       One line of V 3 I'd maybe reconsider. The POV can't feel her own heart beating anymore? If anything it should be beating louder than ever. 

        The overall emotion I'd like to see here is not anger so much as determination. She's already given herself the peptalk and doesn't need convincing. Now she's enjoying the satisfaction of ditching the guy who was holding her back, knowing that he holds no power over her anymore. He can't stop her. She's probably exhilarated! Empowered!  

        I like Alistair s alternate suggestions for tweaking the chorus best. Paul's idea is also good bit it seems to make it sadder and more contemplative, whereas Alistair's idea keeps more with the "holy shit i'm finally free, i can't wait for what's next" idea. For me it's one or the other. 

      I think it should have a positive uplifting  " I will survive -  gloria Gaynor) optimism to it.  Not that musical style. That kind of attitude. 

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Sorry for not responding sooner. I was all tied up traveling the last week.

 

Paul, I like your suggestions. Thank you for your comments. I'm going to def play around with them.

 

Hi Nectar - thank you for your comments on Subway Girls... one of my favorites!  I had/have a tune for this that works (I think) with the repetitions but I'm rethinking my approach based on some of the good feedback I've received. Going to get to work on this shortly and more than likely make some changes. Thanks again.

 

Kuya, thank you for your extensive thoughts and suggestions. I'm seriously taking a look at all of the comments I received and considering them, as they all originate with writers whose lyrics I enjoy reading.

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