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Hi Folks

Here's a new song that I wrote and recorded.

Nits and crits welcomed

 

Lilibet
Written and performed by Staypress

V1

You look good enough to eat and the best I've ever seen
You're like a fine wine - you'll be a traveler's dream
When I walk through the door, I've been half way round the world
Everything will feel much better

Prechorus

..and it's my third night in a standard deluxe, without much sleep
It's a quarter past one
One flight under my belt and time doesn't fly when you're not having fun

Chorus

Lilibet, I really do miss you so
As I board the jet, i really don't want to go

V2

You look good enough to eat in your glad rags of green
You're a sight for sore eyes, you're the best I've ever seen
I want to scoop you up and keep you in my sweater
Bring you out when I'm low, make me feel better
I've missed you and kissed you a hundred times before
But this time we've missed time to catch up and more
Next time I'll take you and never forsake you
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Prechorus

Chorus

Lilibet, I really do love you so
I'm glad we met, I really don't want to go
Lilibet, I really do miss you so
As I board the jet, I really don't want to go

Chorus goes on and on and on ad infinitum
Sorry for all the cheesy key changes

 

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Hi @daryl1968,

 

Nice song.  Easy on the ears.  Great sounding production at least from what I can hear on my cheap desktop speakers!

 

Musically, one of my favorite parts was the drum opening.  I wonder what you think about the possibility of bringing that same groove back into a later part of the song?  The melody is pleasant but during the second half of the second verse I was thinking you might want to add some instrumentation or have more variable notation in the melody.  Through much of the verse you are singing the same note, which may come off as repetitive for some listeners.

 

As far as the lyrics go, there are several clever things you do and you do well (eg. sharing the last word and first word between lines in the prechorus, internal rhymes in line 5 of the second verse, etc).  Good stuff!  In the first verse, which is a good set up for the song, the line "you'll be a traveler's dream" struck me as if you were describing a woman that will welcome loads of travelers in her home, but I feel like this is describing "your girl." 

 

I'm no songwriting expert, but I hope you find my comments helpful at least as a listener!

 

 

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Love this!

 

The pre-chorus, especially, is outstanding. It's a throw-back (and, to my old ears, all the better for it!)

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Hi S

 

  Nice stab at the retro sound. Maybe a tad too wordy for me. But overall a nice listen.

 

cheers

R-N-R Jim

 

P.S. You should check out songs by the Red Button. They have that retro era sound down too.

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On 4/23/2018 at 15:19, Short Order Kook said:

Hi @daryl1968,

 

Nice song.  Easy on the ears.  Great sounding production at least from what I can hear on my cheap desktop speakers!

 

Musically, one of my favorite parts was the drum opening.  I wonder what you think about the possibility of bringing that same groove back into a later part of the song?  The melody is pleasant but during the second half of the second verse I was thinking you might want to add some instrumentation or have more variable notation in the melody.  Through much of the verse you are singing the same note, which may come off as repetitive for some listeners.

 

As far as the lyrics go, there are several clever things you do and you do well (eg. sharing the last word and first word between lines in the prechorus, internal rhymes in line 5 of the second verse, etc).  Good stuff!  In the first verse, which is a good set up for the song, the line "you'll be a traveler's dream" struck me as if you were describing a woman that will welcome loads of travelers in her home, but I feel like this is describing "your girl." 

 

I'm no songwriting expert, but I hope you find my comments helpful at least as a listener!

 

 

Thanks so much for the kind words and helpful comments - I really appreciate it.

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On 4/23/2018 at 18:13, Alistair S said:

Love this!

 

The pre-chorus, especially, is outstanding. It's a throw-back (and, to my old ears, all the better for it!)

Thanks a lot Alistair

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Definitely has that cheerful 60's vibe, doesn't it? I can't say I was ever a big fan of that sort of thing, but this tune did have me tapping my foot and nodding my head in appreciation anyway. I like the way you went out on the repetition of the chorus by changing up on each iteration just a bit.

I also have to say, some of those lyrics are just brilliant ("your glad rags of green"; I especially liked these lines-

Quote

I want to scoop you up and keep you in my sweater
Bring you out when I'm low, make me feel better
I've missed you and kissed you a hundred times before
But this time we've missed time to catch up and more

Especially the way those last two lines work- I don't know the technical terminology, but the way the "iss" sound is repeated really juices them up, makes them almost percussive in effect.

 

Good tune

Faron

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I really liked this!  Loved the music and I thought the lyrics were VERY good, clever. I especially liked:

 

third night in a standard deluxe

and

Keep you in my sweater

 

One thing that I continually stumbled on was whether you were talking about one woman or two.

Lilibet sounded like the one at home, but "the traveler's dream" suggested a woman you met on the trip. So it took me awhile to figure out that it was all about Lilibet (at home.)

On 4/23/2018 at 04:39, daryl1968 said:

You look good enough to eat and the best I've ever seen   This doesn't seem like something you'd say to a lover.  It sounds cheap and transactional.
You're like a fine wine - you'll be a traveler's dream  Confusing. You WILL be? Like we just met and this is going to be great? "Traveler's Dream" suggests fooling around away from home.
When I walk through the door, I've been half way round the world  I was thinking this was the door to the "standard deluxe" at the end of your flight.
Everything will feel much better

But those things could be adjusted easily.

 

Shoot!  Reading again, I can see another interpretation.

On 4/23/2018 at 04:39, daryl1968 said:

Chorus

Lilibet, I really do miss you so
As I board the jet, i really don't want to go

This Chorus comes in right after the "third night in the standard deluxe."  So now, I'm thinking, did he just meet Lilibet on his trip, and now he hates to get on the plane and go home?  HELP!  V2 clears that up, but I feel like a ping pong ball here, trying to get the story straight.  In the final chorus, when you say, " Lilibet....I''m glad we met," it sounds like she's the new girl on the trip again. 

 

In spite of this stuff, I REALLY liked it!

 

Patty

 

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Nice song, I love how the "one" in the pre chorus is shared, a nice touch that i'm stealing (ha!)

The chorus is cracking.

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Posted (edited)

First of all, I LOVE this song! My only comments would be that in the beginning, the piano seems to get lost in the mix and sounds kind of muddy. I also think the drums sound a bit flat, like they could use a touch of reverb or something to give them more of a presence. Finally, I think the chorus is SO strong that it really doesn't need the key changes at the end. They don't hurt the song, but I don't think they add more to it either. Everything else is just terrific to these ears!

 

Update: I just listened to your song again on my headphones and the drums sound fine. I guess the first device I listened to the song on flattened them out. I think this is a terrific song.

Edited by Joe Vicas
Revising a comment after hearing the song again.

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On 23/04/2018 at 19:16, R-N-R Jim said:

Hi S

 

  Nice stab at the retro sound. Maybe a tad too wordy for me. But overall a nice listen.

 

cheers

R-N-R Jim

 

P.S. You should check out songs by the Red Button. They have that retro era sound down too.

Thanks RNR Jim. I will check out Red Button

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On 04/05/2018 at 19:22, Cry Uncle said:

Definitely has that cheerful 60's vibe, doesn't it? I can't say I was ever a big fan of that sort of thing, but this tune did have me tapping my foot and nodding my head in appreciation anyway. I like the way you went out on the repetition of the chorus by changing up on each iteration just a bit.

I also have to say, some of those lyrics are just brilliant ("your glad rags of green"; I especially liked these lines-

Especially the way those last two lines work- I don't know the technical terminology, but the way the "iss" sound is repeated really juices them up, makes them almost percussive in effect.

 

Good tune

Faron

Thanks very much for taking your time to listen and comment Faron. 

I really appreciate it. 

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This is a great song. It could fit easily into any number of playlists. 

 

My only complaint is that I think it overstayed its welcome on the final chorus. I would have faded it 30 seconds earlier.

 

Great job! :)


 

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On 05/05/2018 at 15:37, Peko said:

I really liked this!  Loved the music and I thought the lyrics were VERY good, clever. I especially liked:

 

third night in a standard deluxe

and

Keep you in my sweater

 

One thing that I continually stumbled on was whether you were talking about one woman or two.

Lilibet sounded like the one at home, but "the traveler's dream" suggested a woman you met on the trip. So it took me awhile to figure out that it was all about Lilibet (at home.)

But those things could be adjusted easily.

 

Shoot!  Reading again, I can see another interpretation.

This Chorus comes in right after the "third night in the standard deluxe."  So now, I'm thinking, did he just meet Lilibet on his trip, and now he hates to get on the plane and go home?  HELP!  V2 clears that up, but I feel like a ping pong ball here, trying to get the story straight.  In the final chorus, when you say, " Lilibet....I''m glad we met," it sounds like she's the new girl on the trip again. 

 

In spite of this stuff, I REALLY liked it!

 

Patty

 

Ha - thanks Patty

It's one woman - my other half who I hate having to leave when I have to travel for my job.

 

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On 11/05/2018 at 23:47, RealKevM said:

Nice song, I love how the "one" in the pre chorus is shared, a nice touch that i'm stealing (ha!)

The chorus is cracking.

Thanks Realkevm. 

Steal away mate - it's in the public domain :)

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On 12/05/2018 at 01:19, Joe Vicas said:

First of all, I LOVE this song! My only comments would be that in the beginning, the piano seems to get lost in the mix and sounds kind of muddy. I also think the drums sound a bit flat, like they could use a touch of reverb or something to give them more of a presence. Finally, I think the chorus is SO strong that it really doesn't need the key changes at the end. They don't hurt the song, but I don't think they add more to it either. Everything else is just terrific to these ears!

 

Update: I just listened to your song again on my headphones and the drums sound fine. I guess the first device I listened to the song on flattened them out. I think this is a terrific song.

Thanks a lot Joe - I really appreciate it. I agree on the piano - I need to revisit the mix.

 

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I thought the song was cool--loved the chorus and enjoyed the "throwback vibe" that others have commented on.  Instrumentation was done well, nice vocals, and the lyrics were fun.  The only thing I would change is the modulation at the end--I was a bit thrown by it, and then it happened a second and I think third time.  

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Like the rythm. The drums are awesome. Like the vibe of the song. Keep it up!

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On 03/06/2018 at 21:20, Fragile Gods said:

This is a great song. It could fit easily into any number of playlists. 

 

My only complaint is that I think it overstayed its welcome on the final chorus. I would have faded it 30 seconds earlier.

 

Great job! :)


 

Thanks. Glad you like it. 

I agree with you on the chorus. Definitely up for a rejig. 

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Great job on this one!  I love the bass part and your nice & easy vocal performance.  The key changes at end, IMO, are stretching it a bit but overall it a great piece! I do have to add though, I've never heard the name "Lilibet" before but it's a great choice for the song!

 

Thanks for sharing

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Hi 

really loved the song and great lyrics

sounds  fresh, yet from another era

a bit like a song you wish you never missed

and would like to play often

all the best

Mike

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On 29/06/2018 at 04:33, bachandl said:

I thought the song was cool--loved the chorus and enjoyed the "throwback vibe" that others have commented on.  Instrumentation was done well, nice vocals, and the lyrics were fun.  The only thing I would change is the modulation at the end--I was a bit thrown by it, and then it happened a second and I think third time.  

thanks BachandI - appreciate the listen and nice comments - yep, I agree on the ending. Up for a rejig.

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On 29/06/2018 at 11:37, Kruminsh said:

Like the rythm. The drums are awesome. Like the vibe of the song. Keep it up!

Thanks a lot Kruminsh

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Still love this tune.

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On 01/07/2018 at 23:22, moptop said:

Great job on this one!  I love the bass part and your nice & easy vocal performance.  The key changes at end, IMO, are stretching it a bit but overall it a great piece! I do have to add though, I've never heard the name "Lilibet" before but it's a great choice for the song!

 

Thanks for sharing

Thanks Moptop. Agree on that ending. 

Lilibet is an hypocorism for Elizabeth which happens to be my other half's name. I believe it's what Queen Elizabeth was called by her family as a child. 

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On 01/07/2018 at 23:42, Clemo said:

Hi 

really loved the song and great lyrics

sounds  fresh, yet from another era

a bit like a song you wish you never missed

and would like to play often

all the best

Mike

Very kind of you - thanks Mike

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Hey there Daryl.............Loved it. The verse melody seems a bit generic, but the pre-chorus and chorus rounds off the song splendidly. Great production. Nice vocals and really good instrumental performances. I like the retro sound of this, as well. 

Good stuff..........

                                                 😁-Tom

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On 04/07/2018 at 18:13, RealKevM said:

Still love this tune.

Very kind of you Kev :)

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On 07/07/2018 at 07:13, Ironknee said:

Hey there Daryl.............Loved it. The verse melody seems a bit generic, but the pre-chorus and chorus rounds off the song splendidly. Great production. Nice vocals and really good instrumental performances. I like the retro sound of this, as well. 

Good stuff..........

                                                 😁-Tom

Thanks Tom

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