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April 1+1 Song Contest - Results Updated

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Just Trust The Tales:  continued.  The vocal performance reminds me of Lhasa.  If you haven't heard of them, check them out.  

 

Loser Song:  Well executed song, but the subject matter was hard to bear.  The lyrics coupled with the emotional, pained singing made me feel very, very sorry for the song protagonist, which made for an unsettling listening experience.  I liked the guitar.  It reminded me of Alice and Chains. 

 

Places:  Nice pleasant guitar picking pattern that goes well with the idea of sitting by the river.  The song had a Wilco Mermaid Avenue sessions vibe to it, which are some of my favorite things coming out by Wilco.  The vocal performance is good (kind of in an understated Jeff Tweedy sort of way), but it seems like you could be challenging yourself more vocally. Maybe that's not needed for this song, but who knows?  Maybe a change up would add a little extra flair to the song.

 

Tangled In My Hairbrush:  Beautiful piano arrangement and solid vocal.  The melody did not grab me.  I just recently read what this was about in your post above, and unfortunately I did not get it (interpreting lyrics are not my strong suit).  I had a hard time with the male vocal, my brain kept telling me this should be sung with a female vocal. I pictured this song as part of a musical, perhaps because it has a sense of drama.

 

Passengers:  Nice all around song, good melody and everything, but I didn't feel like the lyrics were the best match for the melody and vocal delivery.  It seems like you built the foundation of a song that is better accompanied by something lighter and less weighty.  

 

When I Find My Way:  I really like the chord changes you chose.  The vox was very well done, much like other songs I've heard of yours.   There was an almost harsh choppy strumming that you might want to listen for and try to adjust.  It detracted from an otherwise solid song IMO.

 

Hope these comments are helpful and no offense is taken.  I'm trying to provide honest constructive criticism.  I'll finish up feedback tomorrow on the rest of the songs.
 

 

 

 

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I got a chance to amend the scores this morning.  Unlike the earlier corrected reversal, this one had a tangible impact on the podium members.  I updated the original scoring post, but here it is again for convenience.

 

 

Gold Medal: That Empathetic Man - IronKnee

Silver Medal: Ted Talk - Fabkebab

Bronze Medal: When I Find My Way - Triffid

 

Congratulations to our podium achievers!

And thanks to our non-contestant scorers: Peko, Barneyboy and Tunesmith

 

 

That Empathetic Man IronKnee 2.0 2.5 1.5 2.0 4.0 2.0 2.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.5 1.5 2.0 3.5 3.0 4.0 2.0 43.5
Ted Talk Fabkebab 1.5 3.0 1.5 2.5 4.0 3.0 2.5 3.5 2.5 2.5 3.0 2.0 1.5 3.0 2.0 4.0 2.5 44.5
When I Find My Way Triffid 1.5 3.5 1.5 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.0 2.5 2.5 3.5 2.0 2.0 3.0 3.5 3.0 2.5 3.0 45.0
Tangled in My Hairbrush DonnaMarilyn 2.0 2.5 2.0 3.5 2.5 3.5 2.5 2.0 2.5 3.5 2.5 2.5 3.0 3.5 3.5 3.0 2.5 47.0
Perfect Light Murphster 2.5 2.5 2.0 2.5 2.0 3.5 2.5 3.0 3.0 2.5 2.5 1.5 2.5 4.0 3.0 4.5 3.0 47.0
Places rwade 3.0 2.5 1.5 2.5 4.0 1.5 3.0 2.5 2.5 2.5 3.0 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.0 3.0 2.5 47.5
Games Already Lost Iggy 3.0 2.5 2.0 2.0 3.5 2.0 2.0 3.0 3.5 3.5 3.5 4.0 2.5 3.0 1.5 3.5 2.5 47.5
Total Loser HoboSage 2.5 3.0 2.5 1.0 3.0 2.0 1.5 4.0 3.0 3.5 3.0 2.5 3.0 4.5 3.0 2.5 3.5 48.0
Passengers MikeB 2.0 3.5 3.0 3.0 4.0 3.0 2.0 3.0 2.5 3.5 3.0 2.5 3.0 4.0 3.0 2.0 2.5 49.5
Hang on Shep PaulCanuck 2.5 2.5 2.0 3.5 4.0 3.5 2.5 3.0 4.0 2.5 3.5 1.5 3.0 3.5 3.0 3.5 1.5 49.5
Cold Lover Scenes 2.5 1.5 1.5 3.0 3.5 2.5 3.5 5.0 3.0 3.0 2.0 3.0 2.5 3.0 4.0 4.0 3.5 51.0
Just Trust the Tales Zeligovitch 3.5 2.0 2.0 4.0 2.0 3.5 3.0 3.5 3.5 2.5 2.5 2.0 2.5 4.0 3.5 3.5 4.0 51.5
In My Memory Short Order Kook 3.0 3.0 1.5 3.0 4.0 2.0 2.5 3.5 2.5 3.0 4.0 2.5 3.5 3.5 3.0 4.0 3.0 51.5
Vampyres & Nuclear War RoadDog 3.0 3.5 3.5 3.5 2.5 1.5 3.5 3.5 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.5 2.0 4.0 3.0 4.0 3.5 52.5
The Countless Few Mondo Art 3.0 1.5 2.5 3.0 4.5 3.0 3.5 4.5 3.0 2.5 3.5 3.0 3.0 3.5 3.0 2.5 3.5 53.0

 

Very tight grouping this month.  FWIW, after the correction my usual "run the averages of each entrant's scores so they can't disproportionately affect the outcome" test no longer has any impact on the top three. 

 

Congrats everyone!  Commence the insightful discussion and don't forget that there's a true May song contest coming very soon.  :)

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Hang on Shep:  Well, Paul is an experienced song craftsman and it shows.  I like the retro country sound of this piece.  It was even a retro subject.  I enjoy the old bluegrass and oldtime pieces when it wasn't so uncommon to have a song about your dog.  One piece that I think was particularly well done was how the singing conveyed concern for ole Shep. 

 

Perfect Light:  For a last minute entry, you pulled it off.  What I liked most about this song was the interesting vocal phrasing.  The melody was also quite catchy.  I'm curious who this is based on?  Seems you could belt it out a little more in places.  There is an interesting percussive effect in the song-- is that you just hitting the guitar body at the end of your strum?

 

Ted Talk: So, as I stated in another forum topic, I don't tend to enjoy humor songs.  But what I was really saying is that there aren't many songs that I can think of that make me laugh out loud.  Your song didn't make me laugh out loud, but it was amusing and clever which is why it was one of my top picks.  I remember seeing this in the lyrics forum a while back and I enjoyed the concept then.  I think you found just the write kind of music to serve as a backdrop.  I could see this being a fun song to sing at an open mic night.

 

That Empathetic Man:  I enjoyed the finger picking and the vocal delivery was really good.  I stumbled on the lyrics though.  It seems as though the questions in the song were left unanswered.  I suppose that makes sense with the fade out--that you will continue to ask these questions of yourself despite  being tired of comfort zones, white guilt, left leaning "fake news", etc.  I couldn't help but sense a bit of irony using country blues as a medium to talk about white guilt and what I assume is a reference to disagreeing with "black lives matter" protests.  I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad choice, just interesting. 

 

Game Already Lost:  Would have liked to give this another listen before commenting, but it looks like the link's down.  My notes say that it was a good all around song, but as others have said, kind of based on a well-worn theme. 

 

 

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22 hours ago, fabkebab said:

Passengers - Mike B -- 2.5
I thought this was solid, but suffered from a lack of ideas - I will explain what I mean - Each verse was really 2 verses - the same musical phrase occurs twice, repeated. Same for the chorus - it was the same musical phrase x2 (with a bit of a pause). The changeup in the rythm for the chorus was nice, as was the bridge, but I couldnt escape the predicable repeating melody. Reminded me a bit of an acoustic version of "that's entertainment" that Paul Weller does as an acoustic version - his song might be a good reference for how he mixes it up a bit

 

Hi fab, curious comments, (to my mind, anyway), as the verses are each two 'triplets', so an AABCCB rhyme scheme, with a single chord pattern only done once for each triplet; and the chorus is a 'hook line' followed by a rhyme line, twice, (XAXA)  with the 2nd and 4th lines having a different chord pattern.

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3 hours ago, Short Order Kook said:

Perfect Light:  For a last minute entry, you pulled it off.  What I liked most about this song was the interesting vocal phrasing.  The melody was also quite catchy.  I'm curious who this is based on?  Seems you could belt it out a little more in places.  There is an interesting percussive effect in the song-- is that you just hitting the guitar body at the end of your strum?

Thanks for the listen and feedback.

 

This was a last minute song, and only really came together because I hit upon that chord change in the verse that I thought sounded great and it sparked this song really. That morning I was reading an interview with a UK singer called 'Lily Allen', she talks an awful lot of nonsense, and the song it sort of framed around her. Really though it is just a general whinge at what I like to call "Virtue Signalling", people who love saying how right on and Liberal they are and seem to want to tell people how to live, while not bothering to do it themselves, mainly rich pop stars tbh.

 

Yes, I play guitar without a pick, and have developed a habit of being quite percussive on my guitar body. I like playing this way, I never really learned to do it it just started happening. I down strum with my thumb and thus leave fingers to hit the body. I am not a very good guitar player at all, just a strummy busker tbh, but this style works for me and adds something I feel.

 

Cheers.

 

 

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Just a few notes, I need to get better at note taking to be honest...

 

 

The Countless Few

Nicely played and recorded. A different sound from the usual 1+1 and it worked well. I am not sold on the idea and the lyrics, #metooo is a movement that is long due and I am glad it is having an effect but I dislike the use of the word “we” to signify that all men are somehow to blame. 

 

Cold Lover

Strange start, I really wasn’t sure. but when the song proper started I really got into it.

Voice fitted well after start, really like the style of singing here.

Liked the “oh oh oh” section.

Interesting song,

Individual.

 

Enjoyed it a lot.

 

Vampires

Interesting

Funny

Nice recorded

Like the Chorus

Vocal good

 

Trust the Tales

Nice

Different

Odd

Simple

Guitar is really nice

 

Total Loser Song

What a loser

Nice guitar

That awesome JackBlack sound

lyrics made me smile

Guitar is interesting and sounds really good.

 

Places

Simple

Very Nice hook, love the hunker down line.

A nice track to listen to.

 

Hairbrush

Love the piano and the vocal delivery.

Donna you already answered my question, I was confused a little as to who was singing, the whole hairbrush thing wasn’t so clear. But I think this was a good thing, it had be thinking about it.

 

Lovely song.

 

Passengers

Nice sentiment

Relatable lyrics

Nice guitar

Well recorded

 

When I find my Way

A great melody, you do come up with interesting melodies and chords. As always your voice helps the song come through. Not one of my favourites of yours but still a very solid and decent song regardless.

 

Hang on Shep

A PaulCanuck song if there ever was one. Never going to be my favourite type of music, just not me, but you have a habit of writing bloody good songs regardless. I find your writing to be far more clever than the often simple delivery would suggest.

 

This one didn’t really do it for me to be honest, but a solid song regardless.

 

In My Memory

I am a father to a young boy and this song is incredibly difficult to listen to. Not my favourite song in the contest I will be honest but it is the one where the lyrics stayed with me a while. It is a brave thing to do to write such honest, painful lyrics, I often wish I could. I feel bad now for not scoring higher than I did.

 

Every song here is good, there is no doubt, this is a special song anyway.

 

Ted Talk

Great, Hilarious, Clever, nice voice, nicely recorded, simple but such a great idea. One of my favourites this month. 

 

The Empathetic Man

My favourite this month, a great tune. I do like a good melody and you are someone who can write a good melody. Easy listening, very nice guitar playing and you can sing well.

 

Games Already Lost

Not one of my favourites, it was a nice tune and actually sung well in my mind. But the lyrics didn’t do anything very different and the melody just wasn’t strong enough, and a little downbeat to distract from that if I were to be honest.

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3 hours ago, Mike B said:

Hi fab, curious comments, (to my mind, anyway), as the verses are each two 'triplets', so an AABCCB rhyme scheme, with a single chord pattern only done once for each triplet; and the chorus is a 'hook line' followed by a rhyme line, twice, (XAXA)  with the 2nd and 4th lines having a different chord pattern.

Hi Mike - sure

 

The way I heard it, the melody for :

 

Every day another revolution

 Men in charge not seeking solutions

Only thinking of themselves

 

 

was the same as :



While the common man sweats

Doing his best, no chance to rest

Completely overwhelmed

 

I thought the melody for each one individually was nice, but I couldnt differentiate them melodically based on my 4-5 listens (plus one more I just put in now)

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CONGRATS TO FAB AND TRIFFID...…...AND ALL THE SONGSTERS HERE IN THE COMP.

 

WOW...for me this has turned a bit anti-climactic …….wheew. And the winner is...……………😬😳….😵🤪

 

Just a few notes that helped to shape my decisions:

 

The Countless Few (#meToo) - MondoArt ….a nice recording and one of your best writs, in my recollection. Very nice how you lyrically focused on the #MeToo movement. Strong piece.

 

Cold LoverScenesFromPalacio………one of my very favorites. I thought the melody had a nice hook to it, as well as that rhythmic guitar piece. A good performance and always where I set my bar. I don’t understand the 4’s and 5 (a very tough crowd)?

 

Vampyres & Nuclear War – RoadDog………I always look for the lyric with RoadDog…and he delivered in true fashion. Interestingly apactolyptic is the nuance in which you so easily conjure. And the music: lofi and fits right into the scheme of it all. Another one of my favorites in this comp.

 

Just Trust the Tales – Zeligovitch……cool piece…..loved the guitar playing and the vocal improv performance. Vocally, a bit over played, in places, but a delight in the form and spirit of it all. Hope to hear more!

 

Total Loser Song - Hobosage ………..and then there’s Hobo. I really didn’t want to let you down, at your request. But, your recordings are remarkably professional; and so, I couldn’t score you down.

 

Places - rwade ………………….A nice easy listening song. The guitar picking / rhythm is great. The song moves along at beautiful, leisurely pace; however, it doesn’t musically take us off any established path. Just needs a little melodic, and rhythmic deviation to bring this one on home. A fine piece.

 

Tangled in My Hairbrush – DonnaMarilyn………..A strong piece. I couldn’t help but think that this would be splendid, performed in a play, up on stage……a reflection piece, and a great emotional point at the closing of an act. Good stuff.

 

 Passengers - Mike B…..A good piece, and one of your best Mike. Good lyrics, and a nice melodic hook in those verses. Good vocals, and a nice recording! A good song, Man.

 

 When I Find My Way – Triffid……Another strong piece. Poetic lyrics stirring the emotional pot of despair, while the melody hints of a strength of hope. Good guitar writing……Very nice.

 

Hang on Shep - PaulCanuck ………..A strong performance…a believable performance. A remarkable circumstance sets up the gripping tale of a guys relationship with his dog. Old Yeller and Lassie would be jealous…..very nice. Ronald Reagan would have played the leading man, well 😉

 

In My Memory - Short Order Kook ………………Love the striking chord progression…..reminds me of my own, “All By Myself”. Anyways…….very soothing and found myself liking this. Nice job.

 

Perfect Light - Murphster …………….An outstanding song, and one of my favorites. Expected a piano piece (not disappointed, though), and while I really like your guitar, I hear some cool piano accents throughout. A great melody, ta-boot. Good one.

 

Ted Talk – fabkebab…………………..This turned out to be my standout fav, this time around. I love the clever lyrical satire in this, while the performance of your melody is artfully hilarious. This is my WOW of the year, so far.

 

That Empathetic Man -  Ironknee ……………Just a song where I lyrically wanted to immortalize the sense of frustration I feel with this “Snow-Flake” period in our history.

 

Games Already Lost – Iggy……………. Another Fav. In the comp………a great performance, and stellar singing. Nice one!!

 

 

And thanks to Justin and all the non-participant voters!

                                                                                          😎-Tom

 

 

 

 

 

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19 hours ago, fabkebab said:

Hi Mike - sure

 

The way I heard it, the melody for :

 

Every day another revolution

 Men in charge not seeking solutions

Only thinking of themselves

 

 

was the same as :



While the common man sweats

Doing his best, no chance to rest

Completely overwhelmed

 

I thought the melody for each one individually was nice, but I couldnt differentiate them melodically based on my 4-5 listens (plus one more I just put in now)

True, that the melody is same for each half of each verse.

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On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 14:15, RoadDog said:

In My Memory - Short Order Kook

 

Oh the music here takes me back to my youth in VT and Cape Cod for some reason.   Really nice guitar, familiar but oh so good. But this line “We passed just like two ships in the night” - too cliche for me.  But the line “My heart is an eggshell” - awesome!

Thanks for your comments.  Thanks especially for the feedback on the "two ships" line...really helpful.  I realized going into this that two ships in the night would probably sound too cliche, but it was really an excellent way to describe the experience I was trying to convey, so I've kept it in for now.  The ocean always seems to be a recurring theme in my writing.  I've spent a lot of time out on the ocean working and playing and it's something that I know well.  Two ships passing in the night also seems like its overused to describe two former or would be lovers, whereas this is a very different application of the phrase.  Still, I hope that something that sounds less cliche comes to me in the future.

 

On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 16:18, fabkebab said:

In My Memory - Short Order kook -- 2.5

This is a nice recording, where every nuance of the vocal is caught and adds to the song. I remember the lyric from the lyric competition and I felt like there were some very strong verses (the first and the last) but that some of the others felt underdeveloped. Still good though. I thought the backing performance could have had a bit more variety, but there were some interesting chords in there 

Thanks fabkebab.  I remember getting comments on the lyrics from you awhile back.  I have developed the lyrics a little more since then.  I hope they flow a little better than before.  The comment on the back up guitar is super helpful.  There is a space somewhat in the middle of the song where I'm thinking to add an instrumental break, which I think might address some of what you are saying.   One of my band mates would like to add more instrumentation to this, but I'm not sure I'll ever want to perform the piece out live because of the subject matter.

On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 21:34, PaulCanuck said:

In My Memory - Short Order Kook
nice earthy vox
good chorus
too long
timing issues?
lyrics a bit cliche in places
good hook 

 

Thanks for the compliments Paul.  I was wondering if people thought it might be too long.  I think that's one of my biggest struggles with songwriting.  Having a lot that I want to say, but not knowing if I'll wear out a listener's attention span.  I think a natural place to end the song is probably before going into the last verse "Memories dangle off heartstrings", but I thought that verse provided some good closure to the song, and then I thought it made sense to give another taste of the break and the hook.  If you can remember, it would be helpful to get more detail on your timing comment?  Uneven tempo, uneven guitar rhythm, or coming in too early or late with vox?  Also if there is any other cliche other than the "two ships" line pointed out by Roaddog.

On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 22:40, Triffid said:

My other top picks, among many good ones, were "In My Memory" - Short Order Kook and "Places" - rwade.  Both touching and well performed.

Thanks Triffid.  If you have them, don't worry about dishing out any of the shortcomings of the song as well!  That's how we learn around here.

On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 23:04, rwade said:

In my memory - I have played this song several times. I really like it. It's a great song. It actually touches on a recent personal tragedy, and helps a ton. I like the mini bridges at the end of each verse and the chorus is sweet. Your voice is very distinct, and the lyrics and song structure professional. You hit some awkward high notes that sour a bit, but overall it's a honest delivery that feels real, I suspect because it is. 

It's nice to hear that the song is relatable.  I had a discussion about these lyrics offline with some other musers while it was a lyric and we discussed how it would be nice if the song was not too focused on my own life experience so I'm glad that came through and it was helpful.  These lyrics (or a form of them) have been sitting in a notebook for about a year or so.  It was something that I had to write one night when I couldn't sleep or stop thinking about my lost son.  I'm happy to say that I have three other wonderful, healthy children, but it was a tough experience that will last with me forever.

On ‎16‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 16:32, Murphster said:

In My Memory

I am a father to a young boy and this song is incredibly difficult to listen to. Not my favourite song in the contest I will be honest but it is the one where the lyrics stayed with me a while. It is a brave thing to do to write such honest, painful lyrics, I often wish I could. I feel bad now for not scoring higher than I did.

 

Every song here is good, there is no doubt, this is a special song anyway.

 

I can totally understand how the song is hard to listen to.  My wife's not ready to listen to the whole thing, but she recognizes that it was a -- I hate this word -- "healing" -- thing for me to go through writing the song, and having some kind of artifact to remember our son by.  I haven't written many songs, and I've started with what I know best.  You want to score the song higher?  Well I'm sure Justin wouldn't mind retallying the scores again, did you want to give me a 1?!

On ‎17‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 01:26, Ironknee said:


😬😳😵🤪

 

😉

In My Memory - Short Order Kook ………………Love the striking chord progression…..reminds me of my own, “All By Myself”. Anyways…….very soothing and found myself liking this. Nice job. 

 

Thanks Ironknee, well I guess I'll have to check out "All By Myself".  If there's anything you thought could be improved, would love to hear that too.

 

Thanks to everyone that has provided feedback so far.  I hope to hear from more contestants.  Lay it on me!

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Hi @Short Order Kook, I want to offer some thoughts on your song, but I know it can be tough when the subject matter is so personal.  Forgive me if this comes off as too dispassionate.  

 

*  First off, the sincerity in your lyric is clear and heart-wrenching.  Like Murph, this one stuck with me for a few days after listening.  I don't know if you have grander plans for the song, but I hope not.  The intimate 1+1 feels like the right backdrop for the piece, so any layering should be done carefully in an effort not to lose that.  I don't know if you took a lesson from the prior post in the songs forum, but your voice was mixed much better here.  

 

*  The problem with 1+1 presentations is that there is that it makes hiding length and melodic issues difficult.  In this case, I agree with the others that the song is too long.  IMO, something like this would be more digestible.  

 

On 06/05/2018 at 15:33, Short Order Kook said:
I'm drowning on dryland

Stuck in the quicksand

I'm caught in a whirlwind

Swept up in a dustpan

 

And I love you, though I don't know who you are

Stick around son, don't stray too far

From my memory 3x

 

What will I remember

The pain and the heartache

Lost hope for April

Your birthday, your wake

 

Or will I remember

How I dreamt it would be

Playing ball out in back

And lit Christmas trees

 

And I love you, and I can't know who you'd be

You are fading, but I'll never let you flee

From my memory 3x

 

On that cold April morning

I held you close, you were so light

It was that April morning

We passed just like two ships in the night

 

My heart is an eggshell

Dropped down in a well

And gravity's pulling me

Toward my own private hell

 

Memories dangle off heartstrings

Weathered by the winds of time

But I'll hold on to you

With this song of mine

 

And I love you, and I miss you so much

I can't hold you, but I imagine your touch

In my memory 4x

 

I know this loses the climb out of the well, but that is the general layout I think would work best.  If you play around, you might be able to squeeze in another bridge at some point.  

 

*  But, there may be a way to have your cake and eat it too, because IMO the stanza that deserves cutting most is this one:

 

I'm drowning on dryland

Stuck in the quicksand

I'm caught in a whirlwind

Swept up in a dustpan

 

I have a few problems with this stanza.  The first is that, while it uses colorful imagery, all it really says is, "I'm troubled and unhappy".  It's all tell and no show.  My other issue is more fundamental.  The loss of a child is inherently traumatic, so there's no need to employ an entire stanza to introduce your feelings and then introduce the reason for those feelings.  Give us the latter and we'll have no problem intuiting the former.  In fact, the rest of the lyric does a wonderful job of conveying your feelings in subtle, related ways, which makes having the open focus solely on them even more unnecessary.

 

*  Another redundancy for me is the "in my memory" lines.  I know that's your title, but for me it is one of the weakest parts of the song.  You make it perfectly clear that your son has passed, so we know everything is being pulled from memory.  Focusing three lines in the chorus to bring this point home feels extraneous.  IMO, the chorus would be more impacting like this:

 

And I love you, though I don't know who you are

Stick around son, don't stray too far

Yes I love you, though I don't know who you are

 

or maybe

 

And I love you, though I don't know who you are

Stick around son, don't stray too far

Yes I love you, please don't stray too far

 

When I sing along with you, echoing the first line packs a lot more punch.  If you go this route, note that the melody I hear for the 3rd line doesn't copy the first.  "I love you" is identical, but "are" (or "far" if you choose the latter) lands on the same low note that ends the second line.  Also, changing the lyric in this manner likely requires you to drop the A7 from the end of the chorus, which I think might be warranted anyway.  For me, that felt most appropriate at the end of the bridge.

 

*  Add me to the list that didn't like "ships passing in the night", though not for cliche purposes, but because it was inapt.  That generally means two people who (perhaps unknowingly) didn't quite connect, whereas your impact was direct and profound despite its brevity.  

 

*  My favorite line of the song is, "your birthday, your wake".  By itself it brings tears to my eyes.  That said, I think the delivery needs some attention.  IMO, there needs to be a pause in there to isolate the concepts, in part for clarity purposes (was that "your birthday away"?  Or "your birthday awake"?) but more because that is the delivery that feels most natural.  Read this aloud and I'll bet that you instinctively pause there, and that dropping the pause takes effort and diminishes the effect.  For me, those same issues are present here.  

 

So, if I was to sum all of this up and review the lyrics once again, it might look something like this:

 

Quote

 

Memories dangle off heartstrings

Weathered by the winds of time

XXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXX

 

And I love you, though I don't know who you are

Stick around son, don't stray too far

Yes I love you, though I don't know who you are

 

What will I remember

The pain and the heartache

Lost hope for April

Your birthday..... your wake

 

Or will I remember

How I dreamt it would be

Playing ball out in back

And lit Christmas trees

 

And I love you, and I can't know who you'd be

You are fading, but I'll never let you flee

Yes I love you, though I can't know who you'd be

 

On that cold April morning

I held you close, you were so light

It was that April morning

We passed just like two ships in the night

 

My heart is an eggshell

Dropped down in a well

And gravity's pulling me

Toward my own private hell

 

But I'll climb up those walls

And I'll try to conceive

Why you passed by so quickly

Like a wave in the sea

 

And I love you, and I miss you so much

I can't hold you, but I imagine your touch

Yes I love you, I miss you so much

 

 

As always, keep or sweep.  Touching song.  

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Justin,

 

This is very helpful.  You've given me some great ideas to think about and they make a lot of sense.  I've got one follow up question I want to ask you, but I'll PM you.  Thank you so much for your feedback.

 

P.S., I haven't forgotten your feedback on Guanajuato...just juggling a few songs at the same time (and life), and this one became my focus for the contest.  Hopefully, I'll get a new recording done of that soon.  I'm excited to try out some of your suggestions for that song.

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Thanx Justin for running the comp, well done to the winners n thanx to those who've commented on the songs here

Here's some short reviews of my favourites this time..Sorry i havn't had time this month to do reviews for them all..

 

Zeligovitch – My top track..Thought this was just great. Can’t believe it came near to last, I thought it would win  ! How naïve n idealistic I am still after 7 years of entering these comps!

Jazzy, playful, wonderfully moody n atmospheric..Beautifully sung, played, recorded..Musical, creative, distinct n intelligent.It validates my belief that its not good as an artist to put your faith n belief in the popular taste of the crowd. I’m guessing the person who gave me a 5 prob gave this 4.5 too haha

 

RWade – There was a natural soulfulness about this n intuitive, natural quality in the tune I really liked..Created a lovely sense of serenity n space just with a guitar n vocal which isn’t easy to do. Could really picture this in some reminiscing dream sequence from a film

 

Murphster -I really dig the naturalness of your melodic sensibility n the empathic vibe of your music..Nothing ever feels forced in anything you do -so I always look forward to hearing your songs..This is a really pretty,intuitive song

 

 Ironknee -I scored this high ‘cos I really like the easy, natural lilt of the melody, sounds like a very good old-time country song. Thought the bit that went high on the chorus was really cool too.. The universal lyricism was fine -but mixing it with dumb modern catch-phrases like “White guilt” didn’t really work  n kinda cheapened the song for me

 

 

Paul Canuck  -Really enjoyable 50s/60s style genre song with intelligent classic melodicism n great exaggerated vocal delivery..Is unintentionally funny n a bit camp in its OTT stylised moody melodrama

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On ‎19‎/‎05‎/‎2018 at 11:28, ScenesFromPalacio said:

Thanx Justin for running the comp, well done to the winners n thanx to those who've commented on the songs here

Here's some short reviews of my favourites this time..Sorry i havn't had time this month to do reviews for them all..

 

Zeligovitch – My top track..Thought this was just great. Can’t believe it came near to last, I thought it would win  ! How naïve n idealistic I am still after 7 years of entering these comps!

Jazzy, playful, wonderfully moody n atmospheric..Beautifully sung, played, recorded..Musical, creative, distinct n intelligent.It validates my belief that its not good as an artist to put your faith n belief in the popular taste of the crowd. I’m guessing the person who gave me a 5 prob gave this 4.5 too haha

 

RWade – There was a natural soulfulness about this n intuitive, natural quality in the tune I really liked..Created a lovely sense of serenity n space just with a guitar n vocal which isn’t easy to do. Could really picture this in some reminiscing dream sequence from a film

 

Murphster -I really dig the naturalness of your melodic sensibility n the empathic vibe of your music..Nothing ever feels forced in anything you do -so I always look forward to hearing your songs..This is a really pretty,intuitive song

 

 Ironknee -I scored this high ‘cos I really like the easy, natural lilt of the melody, sounds like a very good old-time country song. Thought the bit that went high on the chorus was really cool too.. The universal lyricism was fine -but mixing it with dumb modern catch-phrases like “White guilt” didn’t really work  n kinda cheapened the song for me

 

 

Paul Canuck  -Really enjoyable 50s/60s style genre song with intelligent classic melodicism n great exaggerated vocal delivery..Is unintentionally funny n a bit camp in its OTT stylised moody melodrama

Hey there Steve...…...as far as the catch phrase "White Guilt"....it is one that has been bantered about for about 5 or 6 years, now.....I just wish I wrote about it sooner. Using the well identified catch phrase ensures that the point is understood.

Anyways.......I  particularly liked the guitar writing on Cold Lover, and the melodic hook was nice (very "hum-able").

                                                                                                    😎-Tom

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