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      Collaboration Contest Scoring   18/04/18

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Hey, this is my first ever attempt at lyrics. I haven't completed the song yet, just wanted some feedback on the first verse.

 

She opened her eyes

read a note by her side

It says "see you tomorrow"

She waited for that day

But tomorrow never came

Her smile lost in her memories.

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Probably need some rhymes in there or it’s just poetry I think but I’m a novice myself

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6 hours ago, Charlie.p.smith2 said:

Hey, this is my first ever attempt at lyrics. I haven't completed the song yet, just wanted some feedback on the first verse.

 

She opened her eyes

read a note by her side

It says "see you tomorrow"

She waited for that day

But tomorrow never came

Her smile lost in her memories.

Hi C

 

   Well...how bout waiting until you write another verse and maybe a chorus. :unsure:And, don't worry about rhyming everything unless you are interested in writing Dr Seuss songs.:P

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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8 hours ago, Charlie.p.smith2 said:

Hey, this is my first ever attempt at lyrics. I haven't completed the song yet, just wanted some feedback on the first verse.

 

She opened her eyes

read a note by her side

It says "see you tomorrow"

She waited for that day

But tomorrow never came

Her smile lost in her memories.

Well, since the whole story is contained within v1 I don't think you need any more v's. 

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Hello Charlie and welcome here, 

         It's too soon to tell what you have here as there isn't enough to really go on. We don't know where you're going to go with us. Hopefully you're not telling the whole story in one verse, and you have more verses and a chorus to let the story play out. 

           You may or may not be a singer or musician but you should be trying to sing what you write to see how the words work with each other. Is it smooth or are there tongue trippers?  Patterns?  Melody.

          You're here now. You made your first post. Now let's see some more. You can learn a lot here if you give it a chance.  Looking forward to more. 

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Hey, so I've been working on the song a little and have the first draft done. This is it. Any feedback is much appreciated.

 

She opened her eyes.

Saw the note and smiled.

It read, see you tomorrow.

She waited for that day

But tomorrow never came.

Trapped and hopeless she'd done it again.

 

Them words they stick,

Like ice and a fire, that burns deep down, deep down inside her.

She's losing grip; she take another sip, to numb the flames, to numb the pain.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow" × 2

When the pain is gone, and the deed is done.

The bottle lies empty, last pill in her hand, she's going now, she can barely stand.

"I'll see you tomorrow" × 2

 

*Instrumental*

 

Them words they stick,

Like ice and a fire, that burns deep down, deep down inside her.

She's losing grip; she take another sip, to numb the flames, to numb the pain.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow" × 2

When the pain is gone, and the deed is done.

There's no going back, last pill in her hand.

Her eyes, they close and her soul drifts away.

Back to sleep, no note, no pain.

"I'll see you tomorrow"

*Much softer*

"I'll see you tomorrow"

 

 

 

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