Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Alistair S

      Collaboration Contest Scoring   18/04/18

      Some great songs in the Collab Contest! Please see Other Contests and let me have your scores (instructions in the thread) by 28 April!    
jonie

Nothing Says Love Like Flowers

Recommended Posts

Cynical little ditty. Not sure everyone will get the twist of this hook but for those who do, critiques welcome and appreciated. 

 

Nothing Says Love Like Flowers

Nothing says love like flowers

I heard, one day in the joint

It came from a guy who murdered his wife

Was he making a joke or a point?

 

Nothing says love like flowers

I thought about it for months

Finally free, I hopped on a bus

Stopped in town and I bought her a bunch

 

CH

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”

Tied with ribbons and bows

 

Nothing says love like flowers

I nervously knock on our door

Steady my hands and take a deep breath

As I hear her high heels ‘cross the floor

 

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”

Tied with ribbons and bows

 

Br

A man makes mistakes

But he does what it takes

To right the wrongs of his past

I crossed the line

I did the time

Now I get to hold her at last

 

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”

Tied with ribbons and bows

 

Nothing says love like flowers

Found me a cheap place to rent

In less than a week those flowers were dead

Now I know what that murderer meant

 

Nothing says love…. like….flow-ers

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Love is dead like the flowers great song love the twist

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jonie

you have a great story lyric here

and it has a great twist at the end 

My favorite songs have a good twist at the end

 

The only thing is although it's a great twist, 

I may be thick but I don't know which way to read it.

I read it that he murdered his wife?

will you give me a clue or will I guess on forever?

all the best

Mike

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To see if I got it right she kicked him out with the flowers so he had to stay in a rental and the flowers died like her love for him 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, Charlie. It has a sweet melody, especially the chorus. 

 

You got it Mick. Flowers being a metaphor for love in a cynic's world - they both eventually die. Good to know the meaning isn't too hard to decipher.

 

Clemo,  I don't know how many men would go find themselves a cheap room to rent after murdering a wife who lived in perfectly good digs.  Better just to bury her out in the backyard, crack open a beer from her fridge and relax on her comfortable sofa until he was caught. The room rental was sort of the clue, though not a crystal clear one, I'll admit.

 

Thanks guys.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Really well done.  FWIW, some observations/suggestions.

 

"It came from a guy who’d murdered his wife."   Though either would be grammatically okay, I think that should be "who murdered."  That sounds more natural to me, and would be easier to sing than "who'd murdered."  Besides, "who'd" is most likely going to be heard as "who" anyway.  Embrace it. :)  "Now I'd get to hold her at last.  He's already at her door.  I think it should be "I'll" or better yet, just "I."

 

"Found me a cheap place to rent."  Nothing previously indicated he was living with the gal before. So, he would need a place to stay.  I'm wondering if a line that better conveys his rekindled relationship with the gal is now over would serve the story better and be a better setup for the next lines - maybe highlighting the other aspect of the original bouquet - the ribbons and bows - being tossed away or something.

 

"The flowers were dead in less than a week."  I think that line might have a lot more impact when sung if it ended with "dead": "In less than a week the flowers were dead."  I especially think that because I hear that last verse after the final chorus as having a "tag" vibe that winds the song down (perhaps even being literally performed slower), and bringing it full circle.  I think ending that line with "dead" would be a more thought-provoking setup for the final line. 

 

I'm not sure of the structure.  It's no biggie, but it seems the car-nations section is the chorus, and normally you go to a song's bridge after a chorus, not a verse.  So, you might want another chorus before the bridge. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the great suggestions, David.  I took most if not all of them and made some quick fixes.  

 

Strangely, I've criticized others for their use of the past perfect tense where it was unnecessary. Hoisted on my own petard. Keeps me humble, thanks. 

 

That tag line does serve to wind the song down, both lyrically and musically. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jonie

I see it all now, It was already a good lyric but I think David,s idea's are great   

I believe the saying hoist with your own pertard is from Shakespeare,s  Hamlet.

Are you a Shakespeare fan.  Per chance?

All the best

Mike

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, Jonie,

 

I like the lyric and the twist.  My only thought is that I didn't click on this for awhile because the title made me think it would be maudlin or an FTD commercial.  I should have known better because it was yours, but I didn't get that far.  I'm wonder if there would be a way to make the hook more intriguing.  Of course, I have no ideas to offer you! Sorry!  

 

Patty

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Patty, thanks for taking a look at this.  I'll admit that having the hook come out of the mouth of a guy who killed his wife is probably not enough to instill interest and a sense of intrigue and carry it through to the end. I might see if I can bring more of it in through the chorus. I'm not entirely happy with its current content, anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jonie,  

         This is a nice quirky lyric. The first verse sets us up to expect almost anything. As long as you mentioned that you aren't satisfied with the chorus, I'd suggest considering adding a little foreshadowing in there of potential mayhem up ahead. A jailbird isn't going to sing your chorus as is. It's too normal. They could sing every line just the way you wrote them but they would add a little creep factor in possibly. Such as

 

 

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose 

yeah, I cut them myself with a knife

A card that says, “I love you

 with ribbons and bows

I tied them up tight like my wife

 

just to remind the listener  it's a jailbird POV.   What would Son of Sam say? 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh no, he doesn't kill her at the end :o, though I do get your gist. I'm thinking more along the lines of having some of the flowers starting to die before he even gets to the door. Or a hint that he's naively overconfident and over positive about the outcome - maybe she never even came to see him in prison, wouldn't accept his phone calls, and yet he still thinks she's going to welcome him with open arms. He may have been a jailbird, but that doesn't mean he has to necessarily be a murderer or even a nasty fellow. Just a guy who made a mistake and wants to put it behind him. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good subtle, yet important tweak changing the door he knocks on to "our door."

 

FWIW, since the flowers represent his expression of love for her and not her love for him, I interpret the twist at the end as expressing things didn't work out from his point of view - that the reality of the reunion didn't live up to his expectations, and within a week's time after getting what he thought he wanted he knew he needed a new start - men!  :)  So, he came to know what the murderer meant - though instead of killing her, he just left her to start over on his own - or, did he kill her?  Well, that works too.  I think it's done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like there are two topics: the flower thing that the song is actually about, and the prison/murderer thing that is a distraction and is of value only in the sense that it explains why the protagonist has been away, and provides a source for the advice that was given to him, neither of which requires a murderer. Couldn't the cell mate have just jilted his wife? Once I heard about a  murderer, I remained focused on that instead of the more subtle flower story. 

 

Also the last verse, the conclusion, needs, IMHO, to be a little less less ambiguous.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎2018‎-‎04‎-‎15 at 16:57, jonie said:

Nothing says love like flowers

Found me a cheap place to rent

This coffin has space for those flowers and me

Now I know what that murderer meant

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Faith in "life after death" notwithstanding, just renting a coffin strikes me as overly optimistic.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nothing Says Love Like Flowers

Love the title

But I  was expecting the true meaning

Something like   I forgot the flowers

Best title on the board

LOVE TO SEE YOU WRITE IT FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/15/2018 at 22:57, jonie said:

Jonie,  I've enjoyed this from the start, even though I didn't- and still don't - quite understand how the story ends. ;) Couple of minor comments below.

 

Quote

 

Nothing Says Love Like Flowers

Nothing says love like flowers

I heard, one day in the joint

It came from a guy who murdered his wife I had to smile at this change. I'm OCD about using the past perfect tense, but have had to lighten up about it. ;) 

Was he making a joke or a point?

 

Nothing says love like flowers

I thought about it for months

Finally free, I hopped on a bus

Stopped in town and I bought her a bunch

 

CH

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”  Wondering why you switch to the present tense and then revert to the past tense in the last chorus? This type of switch is common in AABA format(s), but it made me pause here for a moment.

Tied with ribbons and bows  Sounds like only the card is tied. Maybe 'All tied with ribbons and bows'.

 

Nothing says love like flowers

I nervously knock on our door

Steady my hands and take a deep breath

As I hear her high heels ‘cross the floor

 

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”

Tied with ribbons and bows

 

Br

A man makes mistakes

But he does what it takes

To right the wrongs of his past

I crossed the line

I did the time

Now I get to hold her at last

 

Car-nations  swe-et daisies

Baby’s breath and a rose

A card that says, “I love you”

Tied with ribbons and bows

 

Nothing says love like flowers

Found me a cheap place to rent

In less than a week those flowers were dead

Now I know what that murderer meant

 

Nothing says love…. like….flow-ers

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×