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Trying a change

 

War song

 

In the past we fought each other
With weapons of sticks and stones
Then we changed from sticks to swords
And our goals from tribes to thrones
Then tech for our fighting improved
So the wars went from regional
Cause we discovered explosives
And we began to go global

 

War song
War song
It’s all about how
To attack and defend
This song it had a start
Just wish I could see an end

 

Through out each era of fighting
We’ve become more effective
But still through out all this time
We’ve not learnt to be reflective
Because we spent the time to build
The weapons to kill each other
But not enough time on how we
Could live in peace with our brother

 

War song
War song
It’s all about how
To attack and defend
This song it had a start
Just wish I could see an end

 

Was a time through this blood and gore
When there was a small break in war
On Christmas Day in World War One
Some soldiers put down their guns

 

War song
War song
It’s all about how
To attack and defend
This song it had a start
Just wish I could see an end

 

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

 

War song

 

In times past we fought each other

With weapons made of sticks and stones

Then we turned our sticks into swords

And changed our goals from tribes to thrones

Then tech for our fighting improved

So the wars went from regional

Cause we discovered explosives

And then began to go global

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish I could see an end

 

Through out each era of fighting

We’ve learnt to be more effective

But still through out all of this time

We’ve not learnt to be reflective

Because we spent the time to build

The weapons to kill each other

But not enough time on how we

Could live in peace with our brother

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish I could see an end

 

The first world War stopped at Christmas

So maybe with some assistance

We could start a new tradition

And destroy our ammunition 

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish I could see an end

 

-xxxxxxxxxxxxx-

I was thinking and dabbling

 

War song

 

In times past we fought each other

With weapons made of sticks and stones

Then we turned our sticks into swords

And changed our goals from towns to thrones

Then tech for our fighting improved

So the wars went from regional

Cause we discovered explosives

And then began to go global

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish it had an end

 

Through out each era of fighting

We’ve learnt to be more effective

But still through out all of this time

We’ve not learnt to be reflective

Because we spent the time to build

The weapons to kill each other

But not enough time on how we

Could live in peace with our brother

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish it had an end

 

The first world War stopped at Christmas

So maybe with some assistance

We could start a new tradition

And destroy our ammunition 

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish it had an end

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Chorus is great and the verses say exactly what a war protest song should. I think some of the lines could be be trimmed up a bit and the meter corrected where interferes with the flow but overall, I really liked this. 

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Thanx for the comments it was a definite first draft 

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I changed some of words around to make them flow better

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Not bad for a first draft. An idea or two...

 

Man has always been effective at war

Our enemies can't get any deader

With efficiency (tech) we just get better (faster)

 

Christmas is that one time a year

We could put down our fears (spears)

 

Maybe if we were interested in redemption

We could destroy the ammunition

 

This song means War song?

 

Enjoyed the read.

 

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On 4/15/2018 at 13:29, mick70 said:

hrough out each era of fighting

We’ve learnt to be more effective

But still through out all of this time

We’ve not learnt to be reflective

I liked the effective/reflective rhyme.

 

I’m with Joanie in that it needs some tightening up. The flow could be smoother. Maybe try for less stilted expression? 

 

To be really effective (there’s that word again) I think you need to either say something new, which is hard to do with this topic, or express the timeworn message in a fresh way. Make it less sing-songs and more “more.”

 

That’s the fun part: taking your first draft and making it great!

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To me this lyric tells a story. I like the first verse the most.

 

In times past we fought each other

With weapons made of sticks and stones

Then we turned our sticks into swords

And changed our goals from towns to thrones

Then tech for our fighting improved

So the wars went from regional

Cause we discovered explosives

And then began to go global

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                                                           In times past we fought                       

                                                         With sticks and stones

                                                          Then we turned them into swords                 

                                                           Because war was our goal

 

                                                                  Now the swords are obsolete
                                                       We have the boob


                                                        To blow us all to hell

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Steve is that the nude bomb.....get smart rocksI 

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Hi Mick,

 

I'm a fan of songs about war and there's lots to like in this one of yours. :)

 

I think the chorus is strong. I'd like to see the last line become 'Just wish I could see an end' - think that might be more powerful.

 

In verse 1, I wonder whether 'caves' might be worth using instead of 'towns'. Might help convey that very early origin of tribal fighting.

 

The 2nd verse is really good.

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SW thanks for suggestions which I pretty much went with. It’s funny I actually saw the sticks and stones as catapultsans whatnot even though cavemen make more sense

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On 4/15/2018 at 22:29, mick70 said:

Mick, like others I think this would benefit greatly from being trimmed throughout. Each line then would be stronger without extra wordage getting in the way. (Couple of examples below.) You make many good and relevant points, and they deserve to be punchy.

 

By the way, your line 2 reminds me of an observation made by Albert Einstein: 'I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones'.  

 

Indeed.

 

On 4/15/2018 at 22:29, mick70 said:

 

 

War song

 

In times past we fought each other Long ago we fought each other

With weapons made of sticks and stones With simple sticks and stones

Then we turned our sticks into swords Then our sticks turned into swords

And changed our goals from tribes to thrones And goals were changed from tribes to thrones

Then tech for our fighting improved 

So the wars went from regional

Cause we discovered explosives

And then began to go global

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start Maybe 'This song had a start'

Just wish I could see an end.   I wish it had an end

 

Through out each era of fighting

We’ve learnt to be more effective

But still through out all of this time

We’ve not learnt to be reflective

Because we spent the time to build

The weapons to kill each other

But not enough time on how we

Could live in peace with our brother

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish I could see an end

 

The first world War stopped at Christmas Suggest 'was paused' rather than 'stopped'. As you know, it wasn't the war itself that paused, but fighting in a particular place on Christmas Eve. Perhaps mention this rather than that the war itself stopped.

So maybe with some assistance. Dropping 'some' tightens the line.

We could start a new tradition

And destroy our ammunition 

 

War song

War song

It’s all about how

To attack and defend

This song it had a start

Just wish I could see an end

 

-

 

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Donna I tried to re work the bridge

 

Was a time in this blood and gore

When there was a small break in war

On Christmas Day in World War One

Some soldiers put down their guns

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On 4/19/2018 at 06:06, mick70 said:

Steve is that the nude bomb.....get smart rocksI 

I was just  joking get smart rocks?

In times past we fought each other Long ago we fought each other

With weapons made FROM sticks and stones With simple sticks and stones

Then we turned THEM into swords Then our sticks turned into swords

And changed our goals from tribes to thrones And goals were chan

 

Donna revised your first verse but I prefer your verse

 

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Honestly I don’t which is the right way to go but I guess there is enough reworks there that if someone wanted to put music to it they’d be able to. 🙄🤔

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