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Hotshelrae

Young love - lyric critique

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I started out writing this song about young love. My daughter has her first real boyfriend (she is 15). As I started observing their behavior, it reminded me how strong memories of your first love are and how those memories stick with you as you get older. 

 

I tried to to take this from 16 to present day...

i would like to know if the story makes sense, if the timing is right, if it’s too cliche or redundant etc. 

 

it it definitely has a country feel to it (at least that is what I hear melodically). 

 

Thanks for any feedback you can provide. 

 

 

You told me that you loved me

Underneath that old oak tree

spent all our time together

We were young and carefree

But One thing led to another 

and we went our separate ways

It always left me wondering

Would we meet again some day

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that old oak tree tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 2

 

A few years after college love found me once again

He didn’t have much money but he gave me all he had

Flowers for no reason or a love note to unfold

But it didn’t match the oak tree when I was 16 years old 

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 3

A few years had passed and we met once again

At an old dive bar with a bunch of friends

One thing led to another as our stories were being told

We couldn’t shake the love we had when we were 16 years old

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16 hours ago, Hotshelrae said:

I started out writing this song about young love. My daughter has her first real boyfriend (she is 15). As I started observing their behavior, it reminded me how strong memories of your first love are and how those memories stick with you as you get older. 

 

I tried to to take this from 16 to present day...

i would like to know if the story makes sense, if the timing is right, if it’s too cliche or redundant etc. 

 

it it definitely has a country feel to it (at least that is what I hear melodically). 

 

Thanks for any feedback you can provide. 

 

 

You told me that you loved me

Underneath that old oak tree

spent all our time together

We were young and carefree

But One thing led to another 

and we went our separate ways

It always left me wondering

Would we meet again some day

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that old oak tree tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 2

 

A few years after college love found me once again  

He didn’t have much money but he gave me all he had   This line doesn't sound right to me.  How about :  He didn't have much goin' on but he gave the love he had. (or) He didn't have much goin' on but he gave me what he had. Because in its present state the money idea kind of spoils it in my view.  Makes it seem or suggest that it's money the perspective is after. Hmm. I don't know but I would alter this line a bit. 

Flowers for no reason or a love note to unfold

But it didn’t match the oak tree when I was 16 years old 

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 3

A few years had passed and we met once again ("A few years" was used in V2, unless repeating words is not an issue, but it also doesn't advance the story in a time sequence and sounds almost at the same point in time as V2) How about something like:   Many years later, by chance we meet again (or)  Time keeps on movin', by chance we meet again

At an old dive bar with a bunch of friends   This isn't in keeping with the sweet memorable standard that's been set. I would find another rendezvous point. A dive bar? ;) And I would bet the chance encounter in the dive bar would not be nearly as memorable as the oak tree.  Get rid of dive bar. It spoils what you wrote.

One thing led to another as our stories were being told

We couldn’t shake the love we had when we were 16 years old

Consider working on the lines I pointed out. Other than that it's relatable and I think an audience would like it.

Oh one other thing.  This song could use a hook. The title in the window dressing, "Young Love". Did I miss it? I don't see it in the lyric. Maybe you could have it repeat a couple of times in the chorus in some way or maybe even a bridge.  Just a thought. 

 

To answer your questions

 

"I tried to to take this from 16 to present day"...  I think it works.

"i would like to know if the story makes sense, if the timing is right, if it’s too cliche or redundant etc".  Story makes sense. Not too cliche to me. Only thing I don't like is the dive bar and the line about not having much money after college. 

 

"it it definitely has a country feel to it (at least that is what I hear melodically)".   I could picture country.

 

 

 

Cheers

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For Verse 3:  How about using the old country fair instead of an old dive bar?

 

Verse 3

A few years had passed and we met once again

At the ol' country fair with a bunch of friends 

 

 

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Very cute and listenable. I like SB comments. But I must say America must have a lot of oak trees because people always seem to meet under them for it would be gumtrees not quite as romantic 😋

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 Hi

I loved the song,

It's a good lyric and took me back to my first love, great times

You had very good advice from S/B and if I were you I'd work on them

Can't add a lot more but if I come up with something I'll get back to you

All the best

Mike

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23 hours ago, Hotshelrae said:

I started out writing this song about young love. My daughter has her first real boyfriend (she is 15). As I started observing their behavior, it reminded me how strong memories of your first love are and how those memories stick with you as you get older. 

 

I tried to to take this from 16 to present day...

i would like to know if the story makes sense, if the timing is right, if it’s too cliche or redundant etc. 

 

it it definitely has a country feel to it (at least that is what I hear melodically). 

 

Thanks for any feedback you can provide. 

 

 

You told me that you loved me

Underneath that old oak tree

spent all our time together

We were young and carefree

But One thing led to another 

and we went our separate ways

It always left me wondering

Would we meet again some day Its kind of an awkward verse.

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that old oak tree tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old I dont mind sentimental, but I just found this chorus boring.

 

Verse 2

 

A few years after college love found me once again

He didn’t have much money but he gave me all he had

Flowers for no reason or a love note to unfold

But it didn’t match the oak tree when I was 16 years old I get that, as far as what a first love felt like compared to what would follow, but in this verse are you saying that you met up once again? Im confused.

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 3

A few years had passed and we met once again

At an old dive bar with a bunch of friends

One thing led to another as our stories were being told

We couldn’t shake the love we had when we were 16 years old This may sound strange, but maybe you should start out with this chance meeting at the bar and then unravel all the old stories, how you met, things you did.

Hi H

 

   I dont write country, but kinda felt the plot needed some shaping. I just didnt feel this jolt or pull of how much this first love felt to this person. The lines seemed kinda blah for me. I wanna hear something in those lines that I can relate to or wished I was in that characters shoes. Verse three with the line "At an old dive bar with a bunch of friends" is a good stage setter. It's like...okay, what next? What hit you? Was it seeing him? Rush of memories? His laugh, sound of his voice? I want some details that make me feel like Im standing there watching you go through these emotions. As the way the lyric is written now, I don't feel anything. It's not speaking to me. Get my attention, say something!

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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On ‎4‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 21:03, Hotshelrae said:

I started out writing this song about young love. My daughter has her first real boyfriend (she is 15). As I started observing their behavior, it reminded me how strong memories of your first love are and how those memories stick with you as you get older. 

 

I tried to to take this from 16 to present day...

i would like to know if the story makes sense, if the timing is right, if it’s too cliche or redundant etc. 

 

it it definitely has a country feel to it (at least that is what I hear melodically). 

 

Thanks for any feedback you can provide. 

 

 

You told me that you loved me

Underneath that old oak tree

spent all our time together

We were young and carefree.........I thought you were young and in love.

But One thing led to another .......I don't think "But" works well to start off this line.  "And" would be a better continuation from the line previous. 

and we went our separate ways........."As" may work better than "and."

It always left me wondering....Why always?  I sometimes wondered if we would ever meet again.

Would we meet again some day

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry...Don't care much for the word "chemistry." 

underneath that old oak tree tree..........This line makes no sense - are we to believe you only had chemistry under the oak? 

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory....Pretty long line. 

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old....I think when we were 16 would be a much better title than young love. It's easier cause it ain't love at 16 it's infatuation. 

 

Verse 2

 

A few years after college love found me once again........Is there some other way you can phrase this - it's like an entry in your diary.

He didn’t have much money but he gave me all he had.... What kind of line is this one?  How do you go from finding love again to not having much money?  You should rethink your thoughts.

Flowers for no reason or a love note to unfold.....What's the purpose of adding "to unfold" other than to extend the count on this line.  

But it didn’t match the oak tree when I was 16 years old 

 

Chorus

There was something about our chemistry

underneath that tree

The day you told me that you loved me is still my favorite memory

Time stood still that day many years ago

Love was so much easier when we were 16 years old

 

Verse 3

A few years had passed and we met once again.......Is this a few years after your college love? 

At an old dive bar with a bunch of friends.....Coincidence?

One thing led to another as our stories were being told........Again, what's the purpose of extending this line with "as our stories were being told?" 

We couldn’t shake the love we had when we were 16 years old

 

This is how I would write these last 2 lines:

One thing led to another

As if we were still under that oak tree

Your count is way off in the v's. So is your rhyme scheme. Will be a tough sing with your structure - 8 line v1 and 4 lines v2 and v3. Very cliché ch that doesn't really grab me. I found this to be overly wordy, out of focus with a questionable structure. This is a perfect example of too much telling and no showing. 

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Your introduction of the song is more engaging than the lyric.  Get some of that into your song and you'll like it much better. Thanks for sharing.

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