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https://jackfosteriii.bandcamp.com/track/my-soul-in-the-breeze

 

My Soul in the Breeze

 2nd draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Troubled trail

(another) epic fail

I’m trapped within

aging skin

 

and I am out of solutions

I’m out of conclusions 

can’t see the sky through the trees

am I out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps

 

and I am out of solutions

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness kisses, carefully covers me

and illuminates the shades that cease to haunt

I join them now, they rediscover me

 

because I’m out of solutions

I’m out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, the world is a toxin

only distractions, out of compassion

lost all my fire, out of desire

I am out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

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I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for..

But I like the song - very breezy sounding which I guess supports the title :)

 

The mix is a bit muddy on my cans - but maybe it's a low res mp3?

Would be nice to see the lyrics - they're good from what I can make out, but the double-track vocals make them hard to distinguish.

Overall a pleasant listen (and good guitar solos IMHO)

 

Paul

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Sorry if I wasn't clear, Jack, but you post the lyrics here as well. :)

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Of course! Thanks Oswlek.

 

And thanks, Paul! I'll eventually start over with the recording -- mainly came to the forum for feedback on lyrics.

 

My Soul In The Breeze

 1st draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Mod note:  lyrics moved to OP. :)

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Hi J

 

   I think I would have gone with a more straight forward beat. The rimshot metronome thing seemed to drag the song down. A stronger vocalist (if possible) with harmonies would certainly add more zest to the arrangement. Over all the vibe and feel were there. Video could have some type of older white collar guy that finally got fired and is about to drive his BMW into the sea.

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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Thanks R-N-R Jim and HoboSage. Yeah, just a demo. I slapped down the loop, recorded a chorused hollowbody and doubled with an acoustic (one take each!) Since I didn't want to spend time working on a vocal, I just recorded vocals twice, then spent a little time correcting the match and spot pitch-correcting. (You can hear I got tired of doing that near the end! Not really worth the extra time for the demo.) Tried the solo twice. Liked the first half of one and the second of the other.

 

The singer is the singer, but yeah; major harmony potential! The metronome track was set to 80; so maybe a little slow? That's good feedback.

 

Also  -- no way I'll double the lead vocal throughout for the serous production effort. Loses a lot of personality that way. I wanted to hear melody for the demo.

 

The guitar is a Gibson J-185 with piezo installed at factory. Good ears! You're right that the guitar would sound better mic'ed but I don't really have a good mic. I use my Audix stage mic for recording pretty much everything for my demos. Yeah, I know: not ideal. But I go into a professional studio when I get serious! :) 

 

Oh yeah; edited to add. Yeah, originally a different pic on the track. On the lyric forum, one critic said: "Seems you are on some kind of a mind altering trip" . . . so I thought I would remove that particular source of bias. :D 

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This is really nice.. I like the lyric. I had to look up "senescent."  To my ear, the melodies and changes are jazz - so I kind of expect more derivation in terms of voicings and performance nuances.  The drone strings on the guitar are nice and all, but I think it would be cool if you could bring in some Rhodes-like keys to break things up.  Are you taking it to the studio? I'd like to hear where you go with this. What instrumentation are you considering?  Drums?

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Thanks M57. Yeah, the chords are sussy and colorful  . . . added nines and sixes. But the song isn't exactly jazz, of course!

 

I'm not a producer, but I've been lucky enough to be associated with a couple of great producers: Trent Gardner and Robert Berry. (Trent has passed away.) I'm usually fairly startled to see where a song ends up production-wise when I bring in simple versions like this!

 

Certainly there'll be real drums. And keys. Given the mood, I'm thinking some ethereal pad; but you're right -- Rhodes would sound great!

 

"Senescent" has gone away, replaced by "aging". Other lyrical changes as well. The 3rd verse is kind of an altered verse now, and could turn into a bridge. I've replaced the recording attached to the link, so if you want to hear the newer version, it's there.

 

Again; thanks for your comments.

 

 

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I Like the lyric. I also like the melody. The solo guitar were good too, but there is something about this song I don't like though, that I really can't explain, maybe it need a steady beat. I don't know. But good song.

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Great work Jack.  I made it all the way through and enjoyed the entire experience.   Most importantly, you made me feel.  

 

On to the critiques!

 

*  I think V1 would be much stronger if you reversed the couplets, like so:

 

Trapped within

Aging skin

Troubled trail

Epic fail

 

The first pair is clearer to me as a listener, and it felt like a more apt introduction for what was to follow.

 

*  Along those same lines, I had another one that felt like a reversal might improve things:

 

Out of desire, lost all my fire

 

*  I know it's a demo, but there are some really easy things that could be done to make that solo more palatable.  The primary thing is that there is an immense amount of build up in the mids, especially during the first half.  Do an EQ sweep and you should spot the problem immediately, my guess is that it's at 1,000 Hz though it could be closer to 2,000.  Notch that at least 6 dbs (and probably much more) and you'll create a tamer sound that plays nicer with the rest of the audio.  A touch of reverb and delay would also help tuck the solo back into the mix more as well.

 

*  I'm not feeling the strong resolution at the end.  IMO, the song is asking for some fading noodles on the guitar.

 

As always, keep or sweep.  Or ignore, that's what the smart ones do.  :)

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All great comments, Justin! Thank you.

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Forgot to mention one other thing.  The mellow verse after the solos feels very wordy to me.  If I imagine this as an orchestral piece, that section seems to be asking for fewer notes given more legato treatment, and I think the vocal would be wise to follow suit.

 

For instance, the first line might be like this

On 3/13/2018 at 17:01, jazzraptor said:

My breath grows short, my shadow long

with "shadow" and "long" each held longer.  I don't think it is necessary for the final word to land on the first downbeat of the following chord either.  Leave the lines lingering slmewhat, if that makes sense.

 

I think that's really it this time. :)

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Typically shortening lines -- taking out extraneous syllables -- is at the very least a very good exercise! In this case, since my verses were so economical, I thought a contrast would be interesting for the bridge. But I think you're right. I should re-think this. (And . . . maybe I cheated the bridge by not treating it more differently than the verses! re-think that too!)

 

Thanks again.

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Hi, Jack

I enjoyed the experience of just listening to this.  Very moody.  I agree with Justin's suggestions on V1. And I love how the chorus comes in with "and I am out of solutions..." and that melody.  Just right. 

 

Overall, I felt the vocals could come more to the forefront.  

 

Liked the solo.

The Bridge broke the mood for me. I felt like I had to concentrate on it and really listen to the words and I wanted to just enjoy more of what you had going. It didn't feel so free-flowing after that point.

But I did love the sound/feel of "rediscover me" in the Bridge.

 

I would take out all the lines in blue below. They felt forced and unnecessary.  You really have a good vibe going and I didn't want you to make me think too much! :D

On 3/13/2018 at 14:01, jazzraptor said:

 

(solo)

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness kisses, carefully covers me

and illuminates the shades that cease to haunt

I join them now, they rediscover me

 

because I’m out of solutions

I’m out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, the world is a toxin

only distractions, out of compassion

lost all my fire, out of desire

I am out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

Thanks for posting.  

Oh!  Almost forgot.  I didn't think the word "tonight" added anything either up top or at the end. Is that important? It seemed to take me out of the "breeze" mood.

 

Patty

 

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Whoa! I got Alice in Chains flashbacks as soon as this began. :) This is an early draft? 

 

Here are my notes as I made a few listens. Just my opinions, of course: 

 

The bass lines tend to move at the wrong times, especially in the verses. (Granted, there is the possibility it seems this way because of either timbre/EQ of all the instruments, or how the other instruments are moving.)

Something about the timbre of the guitars mixed with the timbre of the vox style during the verses doesn’t work. It might just be EQ, that they are overlapping a certain freq that doesn’t quite work. Or it may just be me. 

 

I like the tone on the first lead. I also like that you used two different lead tones. 

 

Post lead break, it’s too busy, especially with the bass again. 

 

Listening again…. I think the open is a little weak. I don’t think the way you have this designed works, mainly in the delivery of the different note lengths and placement. Again, this is just my opinion. It gets stronger when you come into the next phrase with the doubled vox. 

 

Lyrics… I’m not much of a lyricist, but here goes: in the first two sections, I’m getting the feeling of the song, cool, and trying to paint a picture. Now, you’re having trouble seeing the sky, but at the same time you feel your soul go out the window and in the breeze. Nothing wrong with that per se, but I kinda lost where I was. I had myself laying in the grass, but now I wonder if I should be in a car or house near a window. Just a nitpick. 

 

The darkness kisses <— if you want to talk about kisses of darkness, I would find a completely different way to word it or you risk being overly cliche in that purple prose sort of way

 

I get the overall feeling of the lyrics, and don’t know that I can add much to it. Others will probably have something better to say here. 

 

Anyway, cool stuff, man. Thanks for sharing! 

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I listened to this initially while I was working, not looking at the lyrics. Not on great speakers.

 

Very catchy, especially the chorus. I found myself singing and tapping along with it. The fast, almost internal, rhyme sounded really good in the Chorus. The smooth jazz vibe was really consistent with the title/hook. The guitar break was appropriate and enjoyable also. All the verses were okay, but not nearly as appealing to me as the chorus, even after looking at the lyrics. I might have considered using a different rhyme scheme in the verses, especially with such short phrases/lines. The hook/idea is good though and (looking through the lyrics) is written to and executed well.

 

This is a style of music i like a lot FWIW. Nice job, Ron

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Thanks Peko, Moso, and Ron!

 

There seems to be a consensus that the wordy verse is overkill. I was following advice over at the lyric forum to add a bridge, and I thought contrast the short 3 syllable lines with iambic pentameter -- 10 syllable lines. After working a bit with Ty and Donna over there, I was liking it. Sort of cool, spooky poem. But _hearing_ it . . . I have to agree -- sounds like purple stilted prose!

 

This site is great! Thanks so much.

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