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@texvirgo,

 

I thought this song had a simple, catchy melody.  Your voice sounds nice.  I like the chord progression.

 

That said, I think you could challenge yourself to experiment with the song, and who knows, maybe you'll find something that makes the song even better.  Here are some ideas:

 

Although your voice sounds good, I feel like you could push yourself to try something different on the vocals, perhaps for one of the middle verses... for example use the same chord progression but sing the verses starting an octave above.  Does that get you to change the melody ever so slightly to add some more interest to the song?  Or consider transposing the chord progression and singing in a different key for one or two verses in the song.  Or try experimenting with bridges.  Just play around.

 

With the guitar, its mostly gentle strumming.  What happens if you play louder for a verse with power chords?  Or pick individual strings of your chords.  These are just some ideas...

 

I couldn't quite follow the lyrics, would you post them?  The lyrics could help provide clues on how to change up the dynamics of the song a little.  A change to the vocals, chords, or rhythm. 

 

I hope this is helpful.  

 

P.S., you might get more feedback if you review other people's work.   See the top of the thread for "policies"

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Hi T

 

  As a young artist, your probably further along than alot of other beginners. The fact that you can project enough "it" in just a demo setting is key here. An upper harmony in the chorus would have been cool. You should start canvassing around to see if you can find another female singer/player to coax this thing along.

 

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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16 hours ago, Short Order Kook said:

@texvirgo,

 

I thought this song had a simple, catchy melody.  Your voice sounds nice.  I like the chord progression.

 

That said, I think you could challenge yourself to experiment with the song, and who knows, maybe you'll find something that makes the song even better.  Here are some ideas:

 

Although your voice sounds good, I feel like you could push yourself to try something different on the vocals, perhaps for one of the middle verses... for example use the same chord progression but sing the verses starting an octave above.  Does that get you to change the melody ever so slightly to add some more interest to the song?  Or consider transposing the chord progression and singing in a different key for one or two verses in the song.  Or try experimenting with bridges.  Just play around.

 

With the guitar, its mostly gentle strumming.  What happens if you play louder for a verse with power chords?  Or pick individual strings of your chords.  These are just some ideas...

 

I couldn't quite follow the lyrics, would you post them?  The lyrics could help provide clues on how to change up the dynamics of the song a little.  A change to the vocals, chords, or rhythm. 

 

I hope this is helpful.  

 

P.S., you might get more feedback if you review other people's work.   See the top of the thread for "policies"

thanks for the detailed and kind response. here are the lyrics: did u know about yesterday when i saw you walk, down my way and i- i dont care cuz youre so cute, but i think its weird to stare at you so ill smile caving into ur presence, asking stupid questions brown eyesx4 if everyday was a movie, id be river, youd be reeves lost in every word you speak, even when your not talking and now i know i wont be lonely, cuz youve filled the void inside of me brown eyes x8 does this seem like a dream? or is that just the voice inside of me august 23rd seems so long to me, summer but a sad one blue eyes x8

 

and yeah, youre right. i've reviewed a couple, but i'm not super good at critiques. 

 

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4 hours ago, R-N-R Jim said:

Hi T

 

  As a young artist, your probably further along than alot of other beginners. The fact that you can project enough "it" in just a demo setting is key here. An upper harmony in the chorus would have been cool. You should start canvassing around to see if you can find another female singer/player to coax this thing along.

 

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

thank you! harmonies would sound nice with this song. 

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I like this a lot. It has such a great feel to it. I'm a big fan of simple, unadorned music, infused with vulnerability. I like your style and presentation. I enjoyed the listen!

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5 hours ago, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

I like this a lot. It has such a great feel to it. I'm a big fan of simple, unadorned music, infused with vulnerability. I like your style and presentation. I enjoyed the listen!

aww thank you. <3

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wow lovely!  Your voice is wonderful, full of pain.  nice pleasing melody and the delivery is perfect.  You got something kiddo...no doubt.  

 

Wonderful song, wonderful vocal, wonderful performance....just wonderful :)

 

Can't wait to hear more!

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On 4/1/2018 at 09:55, ClintLeonard said:

wow lovely!  Your voice is wonderful, full of pain.  nice pleasing melody and the delivery is perfect.  You got something kiddo...no doubt.  

 

Wonderful song, wonderful vocal, wonderful performance....just wonderful :)

 

Can't wait to hear more!

thank you!

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This is very good! Wow. You are leaning heavy in the hook on "In My Life" which is always a good idea, in my opinion.

 

 

"Cute" is a good word to use and sounds great. "Presence" is not, and you built some lyrical stuff around that. As an old man listening to this I would say drop it, but this song reminds me of me a lot at 20, so just do do it. It is't a serious problem and it sounds real.

 

The flat 6 (le-so) in the verse is kick ass.

 

I love the "brown eyes" chorus. that is very good. This needs a bridge, though and a third verse. I hope you feel good about the good music you made, though.

 

 

I don't know here you are going with the eye color change, but i am sure you know what you are doing and it sounds great. and that seventh you add on the last guitar chord is definitely a keeper.

 

Be proud of this work, but you need a bridge and a third verse and to tighten up the lyrics. That's the work that makes the difference between a completed work and a great idea, and I wish i knew that when i was 20.

 

 

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This reminds me of me SO MUCH when i was 20. You set yourself up for a trap with eye color change. Think about your goals for the song. What you ahve done so far is a map for how not to finish a song. I can literally show you the song: https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/player.cfm?type=single&songid=1724197&q=hi&newref=1

 

It is so, so easy to get  a good great/great idea and then get bored and move onto the next one. If there is one thing i could express to myself 15 years ago it would be to not fall in love with your ideas and make yourself finish one before you move on to the next.

 

And you remind me a lot of where i was when i prolific.

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17 hours ago, RonPapke said:

This reminds me of me SO MUCH when i was 20. You set yourself up for a trap with eye color change. Think about your goals for the song. What you ahve done so far is a map for how not to finish a song. I can literally show you the song: https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/player.cfm?type=single&songid=1724197&q=hi&newref=1

 

It is so, so easy to get  a good great/great idea and then get bored and move onto the next one. If there is one thing i could express to myself 15 years ago it would be to not fall in love with your ideas and make yourself finish one before you move on to the next.

 

And you remind me a lot of where i was when i prolific.

you're right, a bridge would be great. also, if you're wondering, the eye color change was a reference to river phoenix's eyes. the song was first written about someone with brown eyes, but when we get to the verse "if everyday was a movie, i'd be river, you'd be reeves." it switches to river being the muse.. if that makes any sense? i honestly have no problem with going back on songs and i consider nothing finished, so thank you for reminding me of that. appreciate the advice!

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Captivating! Your voice, the guitar draws me in. I want to hear more! I've got no critique here although I agree with the suggestions but also love your song as is.

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On 4/5/2018 at 14:54, SlowD said:

Captivating! Your voice, the guitar draws me in. I want to hear more! I've got no critique here although I agree with the suggestions but also love your song as is.

thank you!

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The melody is awesome!  I think you could play with the dynamics part way through, bring up the intensity and then take it back down in the end.  Good stuff though!

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1 hour ago, RoadDog said:

The melody is awesome!  I think you could play with the dynamics part way through, bring up the intensity and then take it back down in the end.  Good stuff though!

good suggestion. thanks for the feedback.

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6 hours ago, RoadDog said:

The melody is awesome!  I think you could play with the dynamics part way through, bring up the intensity and then take it back down in the end.  Good stuff though!

thank you!! 

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