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My Soul In The Breeze

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Here's the re-write. Fixed the ice cream line; "rocky road" goes away! Moved back to "out of", even for the beginning. Two reasons. 1) more musical, thematic, hooky, and 2) I like the juxtaposition between the first "out of"s meaning not having any left, and the second "out of"s meaning physically leaving.

 

"Another" is parenthetical because it will be whispered. Pronoun "I'm" added at second half of 1st verse to reduce confusion.

 

"I am" becomes the question "Am I" initially as per Ty's suggestion. Eventually turns around.

 

The third verse becomes the second; the second goes away.

 

Added bridge. (THANKS Donna and Ty)

 

Took out "because" but added it back for the last verse. I like implying the question "why?" by then! Too early for the listener to infer the question before that point.

 

Heading to record this now. THANKS to all for your input!

 

 

 

My Soul in the Breeze

 2nd draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Troubled trail

(another) epic fail

I’m trapped within

aging skin

 

and I am out of solutions

out of conclusions 

can’t see the sky through the trees

am I out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps

 

yes I am out of solutions

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness kisses, carefully covers me

and illuminates the shades that cease to haunt

I join them now, they rediscover me

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, the world is a toxin

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

I am out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

 

ORIGINAL POST:

 

Hi all! New here! Did my duty (two critiques!) and now . . .

 

Brand new song and demo. I'll eventually produce it for real, I think; but it still needs work, particularly lyrically.

 

Link removed by moderator

 

My Soul In The Breeze

 1st draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Rocky road

oversold

imprisoned in

senescent skin

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions 

can’t see the sky through the trees

because I’m out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Close my eyes

change my size

keep ‘em closed

the mother load

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

 

 

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Welome Jack!  Given your outstanding feedback on Blossom's thread, I have little doubt you'll be a productive member of the community here.  

 

I don't have time to get into a critique here, but I just wanted to mention that this forum is generally for lyrics only.  There are special cases when audio is posted for the specific purpose of gaining insight on a troubling line, but we usually let the words speak for themselves (as terrifying as that prospect can be for mediocre writers like myself!  :))

 

As such, I've removed the link to your page (which I listened to the first couple minutes of, it has a lovely Jars of Clay vibe to it).  FWIW, there is no problem having a concurrent thread going in the Songs Forum that has the audio attached, which may attract the more rounded feedback you are after.  Or you can let the crew here give it a once over and then re-track some of the stuff that gets changed and then make a post on the Songs Forum.  Decisions, decisions.  

 

Good luck and looking forward to your future contributions.  

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5 hours ago, jazzraptor said:

Hi all! New here! Did my duty (two critiques!) and now . . .

 

Brand new song and demo. I'll eventually produce it for real, I think; but it still needs work, particularly lyrically.

 

Link removed by moderator

 

My Soul In The Breeze

 1st draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Rocky road

oversold........Not sure what rocky road has in common with oversold other that trying to make a rhyme. 

imprisoned in

senescent skin.....What a big word.  Don't know what it means and don't think your listeners carry around a dictionary.

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions 

can’t see the sky through the trees

because I’m out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Close my eyes

change my size

keep ‘em closed

the mother load

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps

 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

 

 

This one is a bit too abstract for my tastes.  Seems you are on some kind of a mind altering trip. I'm just not feeling your out of body experience.  

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Thanks for the feedback Barney.

 

Senescent means 

1. growing old; aging.
2. Cell Biology. (of a cell) no longer capable of dividing but still alive andmetabolically active.
 
(Perhaps "aging" would be better?)
 
"Rocky Road" is a path that is not smooth.
"Oversold" is something that isn't all it's cracked up to be.
 
So the first verse? An aging person is experiencing an extremely difficult journey.
Second verse? Keeping one's eyes closed (death) is akin to hitting the mother lode (a vein of great wealth in mining!)
Third verse? Ha! (Hey, I don't want to give everything away! :D )
 
That was my thought process anyway.

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As an abstract scenario (mainly the verses), it has appealing imagery. I like how it starts off fairly low-key – could just be an out-of-body experience, or a daydream – but then it grows in intensity and bleakness as the narrator lists what amounts to his emotional/mental state as he approaches suicide. Or at least that's how I interpret it.

 

The lyric likely won’t ‘register’ with a lot of listeners, as the references – especially in the verses are obscure, although no doubt they’ll sound good with the music.

 

I think the verses would be more relatable if they were a wee bit less obscure in part (e.g. senescent skin/the mother lode/change my size).

For me, the piece as it stands works better as a poem than a lyric. (In fact, I can envisage it being read at a poetry reading, with appropriate music playing in the background. :P)

 

But this is simply one person’s opinion. Keep or sweep. ;) 

  

My Soul In The Breeze Appealing, catchy title/hook.

 

V1

Rocky road

oversold Nice way of expressing the thought that the experience of life is over-rated. ;)

imprisoned in Sounds like the rocky road (life) is imprisoned and in aging skin. Needs a pronoun.

senescent skin Suggest using a more common word for aging so that it matches the tone of the language in the rest of the text.

 

Chorus. Nice change-up from a short verse to a longer chorus. Feels like a letting-go of tension.

because I’m out of solutions I feel it needs to be clearer as to what is the ‘why’ that’s being answered in the chorus (‘because’…). This might involve re-thinking the verse or adding a brief pre-chorus.

out of conclusions 

can’t see the sky through the trees Interesting twist on the old ‘trees’/’forest’ catch-phrase.

because I’m out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

V2 

Close my eyes

change my size Lines 1&2 aren't clear. Does size change refer to the notion that when a person dies, the bodyweight becomes less (a la the notion that the soul has physical weight i.e. 21 grams)?

keep ‘em closed

the mother load Do you  mean mother lode, or is ‘load’ intended, and refers back to childhood – which might explain ‘change my size’. Although a listener won't be able to distinguish a difference in meaning between 'lode' and 'load'.

 

Chorus

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

V3 or do you intend it as a bridge? If so, I suggest switching the rhyming pattern to differentiate it. Also, a bridge would make more sense in terms of it arching the two choruses. And the content certainly adds to the story's momentum.

Time is up

take the cup Ah, shades of Socrates & his hemlock. Keats as well (Ode to a Nightingale). 

bittersweet

numbness creeps

Here, though, it's not clear whether the means of suicide will be a leap from an open window or something taken as a drink. If it's the former, can you clarify in some concise way that the 'cup' reference is simply a historical allusion?

 

Chorus 

because I’m out of solutions

out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window 

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

 

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Welcome aboard! I like this a bunch, please take these ideas as just my humble opinion.

12 hours ago, jazzraptor said:

My Soul In The Breeze

 1st draft by Jack Foster III ©

 

Rocky road

oversold

imprisoned in

senescent skin       I love this word choice, I am sure other won't, ultimately i guess it will come down to the music as to which sounds better 'senescent/aging' ? 

 

because I’m out of  short on solutions

out bereft of conclusions                                IMO, taking the 'out of' out of this section leaves it more impact at the end of the chorus, and especially in the 'outro'

can’t see the sky through the trees                  very good line 

because Am I’m out of my body                      Subtle change, but this leaves 'hero' on the edge, contemplating the 'jump' but not yet taking it?                         

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Close my eyes

change my size

keep ‘em closed

the mother load

 

because I’m out of solutions              See first chorus ideas, I like the idea of leaving protagonist on the 'edge' until the ending, takes listener on the journey? builds the tension better?

out of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze 

tonight

 

(solo)

 

Time is up                                        I like DM's idea of turning this into a bridge as narrator 'takes the leap' of ending it all

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps

 

because I’m out of solutions                 Now the switch to all of the 'out of' as POV is at wits end and literally 'out of' the window? 

out of conclusions

Out of opinions, out of decisions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

tonight

Really good lyric IMO, my subtle tweaks just intended to take the listener 'on the journey' from narrator's POV, from contemplating the leap to taking it?  IMO it builds more tension and adds to the dramatic impact of the scene and resolution?  Please ignore if this doesn't fit your vision. 

 

As always, just my opinion, use/adapt/ignore as you see fit.

 

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Great comments Donna and Ty! THANK YOU BOTH so much!

 

In writing this song I had a melody first, and in the verses there are long held-out notes as part of the melody. So a whole verse in only 12 syllables long! Of course that’s not a requirement of the song; I certainly could split long notes up or add grace notes to add syllables if it’s effective to do so.

 

Donna, the “close my eyes change my size” line? For me, this just means one’s imagination or subconscious can be ascendent over reality when one closes one’s eyes and imagines or dreams. 

 

(And I just misspelled “lode”! No intent there.)

 

A re-write:

 

Rocky road ( . . . is also an ice cream flavor, which may have been part of Barney’s problem! Leaving it for now.)

oversold

I’m trapped within

aging skin

 

And I am short of solutions

bereft of conclusions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window?

Feeling my soul in the breeze

 

Close my eyes

change my size

keep ‘em closed

the mother lode

 

And I can’t make decisions

unsure of opinions

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window?

Feeling my soul in the breeze

Feeling my soul in the breeze

tonight

 

The shadows grow so long across the floor

The darkness takes its time to cover me

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt

I’ve known them all, now they discover me

 

(Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps)            (Not sure if there’s still time for this verse.)

 

Because I’m out of solutions  (Adding back “because”. Enough there now for the listener to ask “why?”)

out of conclusions

Out of decisions, out of opinions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

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You know I was kind of with Barneyboy on this at first until I read Donnas and Ty’s remarks. Than I felt really dumb at how clear the message really was and I hadn’t seen it. It is a great write and I think Donnas right on how it really fits for poetry. I would love to hear it to the music you wrote.

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I think this could work very well for a song.  And although I'm usually one for clear meaning in lyrics, the words in our verses flow well to me.  Only suggestion would be to drop the 'Because' at the start of each chorus.

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This is lovely.  Like ART, it took seeing the comments to realize how straightforward the lyric really was.  It's like an obvious body of water with a very thin layer of mildly opaque ice on top.  :)  I commend you for going with "aging", sometimes it can be tough to cast aside a cool word but in this case simplifying seems appropriate.

 

I only have two remaining issues with the new write.  "Bereft of" strikes me as being poetic for its own sake rather than what this character would actually say.  I spent the last 15 minutes searching for something but, amusingly, once you take "out of" off the table it's difficult to find.  It isn't as perfect a choice as I intended, but I think "missing conclusions" might be more natural.

 

The other is "change my size".  Even after your explanation, I still have to stop here when reading and remind myself what the hell you are trying to get across.  There has to be something that has both more clarity and your desired color.  

 

Great stuff.

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I like the rewrite !!  Since you didn't mind my last comments, I'll hit you with a little more:

 

1 hour ago, jazzraptor said:

The shadows grow so long across the floor

The darkness takes its time to cover me

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt

I’ve known them all, now they discover me

  I like the direction your going with this bridge, and IMO it removes the necessity of your original V3.  IMO this plays with the image of the narrator falling to his ultimate demise.   

 

1 hour ago, jazzraptor said:

The  My shadows grow so long across the floor ground                If he's jumping out the window, falling to ground not floor no?                      

The darkness takes its time to cover  swallow me                        Like the metaphor of jumping from the 'light/life' into the 'darkness/death' in slow motion

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt

I’ve known  pass them all, now as they discover envelope me           Relieved from life's problems (not haunted), passes them all, to late to 'discover' no? 

 Minor tweaks, as always use/ignore/adapt as you see fit.

 

P.S.  It is usually preferable to post reworked lyrics in your first post over the original with a revision date or #, so a new viewer can see the latest version.  (see Oswlek's latest post as example)

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A few observations on the revised version. Again, keep or sweep. ;) 

(Please label your sections. ;) ) 

 

V1

Rocky road The ice cream thing never occurred to me. I think it’ll be safe to leave it. ;) 

oversold

I’m trapped within

aging skin   Yes. It’s real, and works better.

 

Chorus

And I am short of solutions Yes. Works better than ‘because’, which made no sense in terms of logic.

bereft of conclusions I’d rethink ‘bereft’. It’s too close to the loftiness of ‘senescent’. ;) Maybe 'lacking'.

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window?

Feeling my soul in the breeze

 

V2

Close my eyes

change my size This doesn’t work for me.

keep ‘em closed

the mother lode This doesn’t work either. Suggest rethinking this verse to make it accessible.

 

 

Chorus

And I can’t make decisions

unsure of opinions  Ambiguous. Whose opinions? The narrator’s or those of other people?

can’t see the sky through the trees

Am I out of my body

out of the window?

Feeling my soul in the breeze

Feeling my soul in the breeze

tonight

 

Bridge? I feel this loses the tension and intent that was in the original section ('time is up, take the cup', etc.). It's not really clear here that he's planning to end things. (Unless of course you've changed the intention.)

The shadows grow so long across the floor How about ‘the shadows lengthen’. Smoother flow, I think.

The darkness takes its time to cover me Maybe ‘carefully covers me’. Smoother.

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt Hmmmm. Kind of obscure.

I’ve known them all, now they discover me I think this line could be stronger, even if it means a different end rhyme in line 2. Seems to me that if you’ve known the shades, they’ve known you as well.

 

(Time is up

take the cup

bittersweet

numbness creeps)            (Not sure if there’s still time for this verse.) That’s a pity. I like this verse, though I thought it made for a nice bridge (with some adjustment & restructuring). ;)

 

Chorus

Because I’m out of solutions  (Adding back “because”. Enough there now for the listener to ask “why?”) But ‘because’ isn’t connected in a logical manner to what’s going on in the previous section, in which the singer describes his surroundings.

out of conclusions

Out of decisions, out of opinions

out of emotions, out of devotion

out of life’s options, everything’s toxic

out of compassion, left with distractions

lost all my fire, out of desire

out of my body

out of the window

feeling my soul in the breeze

feeling my soul in the breeze

my heart and my soul in the breeze

tonight

tonight

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My breath is short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness takes its time to swallow me

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt

I join them now and leave the hollow me

 

??

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12 minutes ago, DonnaMarilyn said:

Rocky road The ice cream thing never occurred to me. I think it’ll be safe to leave it. ;) 

Funny, it's the first thing that jumped out at me.  In fairness, though, I must have watched "The Goonies" a thousand times as a kid.  In any event, I hear Sloth's voice every time I read that line.  ☺️

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2 minutes ago, jazzraptor said:

My breath is short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness takes its time to swallow me

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt

I join them now and leave the hollow me

 

??

How about

 

I join them, casting aside the hollow me

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1 minute ago, Oswlek said:

Funny, it's the first thing that jumped out at me.  In fairness, though, I must have watched "The Goonies" a thousand times as a kid.  In any event, I hear Sloth's voice every time I read that line.  ☺️

Well, Justin, bear in mind that I'm not an American. Delicacies like Rocky Road are foreign to me. :P (Though perhaps it does exist in Canada. ;))

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My breath is short, my shadow grows so long

The darkness takes its time to swallow me

Illuminating shades that cease to haunt. If the darkness is engulfing the narrator, how can it be illuminating the shades? Or does this refer to the shades - the ghosts - that are in his mind? There's also a bit of ambiguity, because 'shades' can also refer to window blinds.

I join them now and leave the hollow me

 

Maybe consider...

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows long       (For a tighter and a parallel construction)

The darkness quietly swallows me

Laying rest to the shades that cease to haunt         

When I join them they'll no longer follow me.       (For a bit of a twist.)

 

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Wow! This board is amazing! Thank you all! I'd like to return the favor.

 

At first I loved "swallow", but maybe it's not quite right. I hadn't read DonnaMarilyn's last post before re-posting the bridge.

 

So obviously there's some flux. I'll mull it over some, then re-post up top and re-record. For now:

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long

The dark caresses, carefully covers me

and illuminates the shades that cease to haunt

I join them now, they rediscover me

 

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If it's not too late... ;)

 

My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long  Do you need 'so' there for the music?

The darkness carefully covers me.    Much smoother flow. Also implies 'caresses'. Otherwise the combination sounds like overkill. ;)

It illuminates the shades that cease to haunt

I join them, and they rediscover me  Smoother.

 

Again, keep or sweep. ;)

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On 3/14/2018 at 11:10, Oswlek said:

It's like an obvious body of water with a very thin layer of mildly opaque ice on top.

I was out-of-town yesterday, but Wednesday night I had a song-writing session with a couple of friends (really more of a social thing!) and this idea of yours came into my head. The song ended up being entitled "Under The Surface (there's something going on)" THANK YOU very much!

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