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Oswlek

Home in the Stars - LOCKED

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There seems to be a plethora of space themed material going on here lately, so I figured I'd post my recent venture for review.  I know there is no "night" on a spaceship, but I'm hoping that's easy enough to get past (and I am pretty sure daily routines are simulated on spacecraft, so it still might work :)).  I should also say that the rhyme scheme is intentionally different in V2 and V3, the rhyming of the 4th and 5th lines aligns with a melodic change that acts as a lead-in to the chorus.  

 

Home in the Stars

 

Updated - the lines in red are the ones I'm most interested in feedback on at this point

 

V1

Wand'ring alone

Supplies are running out

Desperately needing to land (maybe "searching for somewhere to land"?)

Mission control

Has gone quiet now

Rescue is in our hands

 

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Battered satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Sight so beautiful

Somewhere suitable (or maybe "Last one suitable")

For a frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Engines are cutting out

Clutching each others' hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance

 

C

Will we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

 

Original

 

V1

Drifting alone

Supplies are running down

Desperately needing to land

Mission control

Has been quiet now

Rescue is in our hands

 

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Frozen satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Through the telescope

It's our only hope

A frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Power is cutting out

Breathlessly clutching hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance

 

C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

 

Alright, lay it on me!  Thanks in advance for the feedback.  :)

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I like it - reminds me of Ground Control to Major Tom...

 

The only suggs I have are:

 

8 minutes ago, Oswlek said:

Has gone quiet now

.. and maybe stick "at the speed of light" in there for one of your Night" rhymes.

 

Nice job

Paul

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1 hour ago, PaulCanuck said:

I like it - reminds me of Ground Control to Major Tom...

 

The only suggs I have are:

 

.. and maybe stick "at the speed of light" in there for one of your Night" rhymes.

 

Nice job

Paul

Hah!  How funny - because he just commented on my "Chasing the speed of light" song - and Justin, it's OK to use it ;) (not that you need my permission)

On the other hand, I think references to light speed are not really appropriate for the theme of this lyric, unless you are referring to the distance travelled to get to the moment.

 

As far as the use of 'night' in the lyric is concerned.  It doesn't bother me at all.  In fact, I picture the ship making a desperation landing on the dark (night) side of an exoplanet.

The line that makes less sense to me is "frozen satellites."  I'm assuming this ship is making an emergency landing on a world that is uninhabited.  I.e. , there are no satellites.  So when you say they're frozen, I immediately think frozen in time.. which opens up too many alternative stories for me and detracts from the one I think you are trying to tell.  Am I missing something?

 

Good to see you here.. Hope all is well,

 

-Mark

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Justin,

 

I really felt the tension in this,

Good job!

 

Patty

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Thanks, everyone.  If it isn't clear, the story here is that the craft has found themselves alone in space and are low enough on supplies/fuel such that they have a minimal amount of time before everyone is dead.  After finding nothing suitable, they finally settle on a celestial body that might just be hospitable, though it's not remotely certain and far enough away that it requires reckless, desperate tactics.  On to the comments.

 

@PaulCanuck - Thanks, I adopted your first suggestion and am pondering "speed of light".  It doesn't work for the breakneck lines because of how they are delivered, but it might for the "night" line itself.

 

@M57 - You are much too kind.  I was worried that line might not be clear.  "Satellites" doesn't refer to man made entities, but moons and orbiting bodies instead.  If a change of adjective would make this clearer, please let me know.  I kicked around a few other options (frozen/molten) but thought barren and frozen conveyed lifelessness the best.  

 

Thanks for your efforts to make "night" work.  :)

 

@HoboSage - First, it's not consistently breakneck, it only becomes so once the possible destination is made clear.  It is a good point, though, that they probably were already zooming desperately long before their all about to die.  As for "drifting", that is supposed to imply aimlessness due to having no known place to go.  I'm open to suggestions on how to resolve these, though I'm not a huge fan of "zooming", which conveys a more entertaining vibe.

 

Regarding "night", I'm trying to state that they have a very short time - maybe not a single night, but close enough - before everyone dies, which makes this a genuine last chance effort.  Ditching this line would be unfortunate because it sounds terrific.  :)

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Great ideas, @HoboSage.  While "all" gets a bit more stress than "the/this" warrant, I should be able to figure something out, so thy will be done.  :)

 

"Wandering" is a mouthful, but even if it cannot be squeezed in it's opened a new door that will hopefully lead me to the right word.  Thanks.

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1 hour ago, HoboSage said:

Crew morale low - or some other phrase ending with low?

Supplies are running down

Desperately needing to land

Mission control

Has gone quiet now

Rescue is in our hands

I'll definitely consider it because the others aren't working out as hoped.  "Wandering" can fit as "wand'ring" but it loses the lovely internal rhyme with "mission".  I have to weight that one to see which is more important to me.  And, while "this night" sings fine, it make the "this" in "this breakneck" stand out uncomfortably.  I could change it to "a breakneck" but I worry that it sounds too general rather than it being this specific ride.  

 

A possible fix is to say "one more night", does that work for you?  Or does it just recreate the same problem?

 

Edit:  I've decided to go with "wand'ring", the meaning is worth the lost rhyme, and I still get the "ing/one" pairing with "ion/ol", so it not like I'm forfeiting the whole thing.  :)

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Hi Os

loved the song lyric, I was with them in that craft

 

In place of- breathlessly clutching hands

what about desperatly gripping 

Or -praying this ship lands

or- destiny's out of our hands

 

all the best

Mike

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Thanks, @Clemo.  Can you share why the line doesn't work for you?  I definitely want to keep "breathlessly" because it echoes "desperately" in the first verse, but I'm open to swapping out "clutching" if it creates a problem that I'm missing. 

 

And just to confirm for @HoboSage, as much as the/this looks like an easy swap in the chorus, they just don't work.  Damn.  

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Hi Os

it just looked like they were holding hands

good luck

Mikd

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5 minutes ago, Clemo said:

Hi Os

it just looked like they were holding hands

good luck

Mikd

thanks, Mike.  That's what I'm envisioning, a group of passengers standing and holding hands in breathless anticipation.  Hopefully knowing that was the intent makes it work, but please let me know (Mike or anyone) if a problem remains.

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On ‎10‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 23:21, Oswlek said:

Home in the Stars

Nice hook :)

 

Quote

:ph34r::PB)V1

Wand'ring alone

Supplies are running down     I wonder if "low" would work better here - more evocative and much nicer to sing!

Desperately needing to land    "Desperately" is a bit of a mouthful !- maybe something like "Just gotta find a place to land"  is worth considering...

Mission control

Has gone quiet now          Doesn't quite describe it for me here - maybe something like "Has lost touch now"...

Rescue is in our hands

Sets the scene well here - we are all wondering how it's gonna go; making us read on!

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Frozen satellites

A glimmer comes into view    Can't help thinking that this line could contain "hope" somewhere allowing the 5th line to add something new...

Through the telescope

It's our only hope

A frantic rendezvous  :) 


C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down       "Pedal down" makes it sound like your driving a Cadillac around up in space!! :blink:  "Thrusters burning, thrusters burning" ...maybe...

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night            A little lacking in urgency/energy here for me - maybe something like "We gotta survive the night"....

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down     The repeat seems a shame when "Town" is beckoning:"We'll settle down, build a new town"....

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Power is cutting out          "Power" is a land lubbers speak imho; cool astronauts might use the more 'sexy' - "Rockets are cutting out"

Breathlessly clutching hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance       Who is the "please" aimed at? - in times of desperation maybe it would be "Gods" or some hero type name...?

 

C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

Cool spacey lyric here Justin - think you're gonna need to put that old trusty acoustic guitar away on this one and join us synth users on the 'dark' side! :ph34r::PB)

 

Enjoyed the read :) 

 

Andy 

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1 hour ago, AndyLeF said:

Nice hook :)

 

Cool spacey lyric here Justin - think you're gonna need to put that old trusty acoustic guitar away on this one and join us synth users on the 'dark' side! :ph34r::PB)

 

Enjoyed the read :) 

 

Andy 

..I was hearing his ukulele. B) 

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Sparse, taut lyric. Plenty of tension. I have a couple of suggestions/observations that I feel might tighten things up. Keep or sweep, of course. ;)

 

(Sorry about the mix of blue & boldface. For some reason, the blue wouldn't 'take' when I tried to apply it.)

 

Home in the Stars

 

V1

Wand'ring alone

Supplies are running down Sounds like the supplies are wandering alone and looking for a place to land. Adding 'We're' to line 1 would resolve this.

Desperately needing to land I tend to balk at the use of adverbs. The verb and the action should show the reader what's going on. How about 'We're needing someplace to land'. Or 'Desperate for somewhere to land'. It's clear from the previous and the following lines that the situation is urgent. Also, the cadence is the same as line 3, V2.

Mission control

Has gone quiet now

Rescue is in our hands  Suggest 'in our own hands' , which emphasises the fact that you're really on your own. Mind you, if you plan to emphasise the word 'our' when you sing the line, that should make a difference.

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Frozen satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Through the telescope  Would there be a telescope on a spaceship? Would a telescopic screen not be more usual (i.e. the kind that enables things light years away to be visible)?

It's our only hope

A frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down  The notion of a 'pedal' in a spaceship is jarring, and breaks the mood for me. 

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Power is cutting out

Breathlessly clutching hands Another adverb. ;) How about simply 'Holding each others' hands' (or 'squeezing each others' hands'.  The urgency and fear are already implied.

Ship don't burn up here  OK, I see that the narrator is addressing the spaceship itself in line 6.

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance 

 

C

Will we survive all night  Suggest replacing 'all' with 'the'. It sounds more urgent.  

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are I know you need an end rhyme for 'stars' but this line doesn't feel strong enough to represent what will amount to a crash landing. It also sounds as though 'right where we are' indicates where the ship is at the present moment, which is in space. I feel there needs to be mention of the place where the ship might actually land (i.e. the place that was shown earlier on the - presumed - screen).

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

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A few alternate word choices for you. Just in case you don't have enough.  You have a plethora of responses to a lyric you wrote in response to a plethora of lyrics with space themed songs. That'll teach you to stay away from trends! ;)

 

"gone quiet" might be better as "gone silent" No one says "They've gone quiet"

 

"frozen satellites" might be better if you can work in something to do with "interstellar flight" or "decaying orbit" or "gravity fights"

 

"put the pedal down" reeks to me of gasoline. Surely, a better phrase can be constructed

 

"Home In The Stars." Hmm, Home? Maybe" A Place In The Stars" or "A Star Of Our Own" or "Our Space In The Stars"

 

Oh shut up already!

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Hi Justin, good to see you back, participating in the Muse again.

 

This can't be an acoustic song! ;)  Some comments below in blue

 

 

Home in the Stars

 

V1

Wand'ring alone

Supplies are running down   Batteries run down, supplies run low

Desperately needing to land

Mission control

Has gone quiet now

Rescue is in our hands    You don't rescue yourself, you save yourself

 

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Frozen satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Through the telescope

It's our only hope

A frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down   Spacecraft don't use accelerator pedals, you know that, but even though it's a phrase to express pushing faster, it doesn't work for me

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Power is cutting out

Breathlessly clutching hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance

 

C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

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Alright, lots to comment on.  First off, a disclaimer:  the pedal down/settle down rhyme is probably the best I've written in my musical "career", so I'm extremely attached to it.  So much so that I'm more inclined to ditch all the space stuff and make this about an Earth-bound journey than I am to change either of them here.  Maybe that will change in time (maybe I'll eventually get two songs out of it!) but for now I'm running with it and hoping it works better in song than in print.  

 

Along those same lines, I don't know if it comes across clearly here, but there are a lot of rhymes that pair up with words in the same spot of other stanzas rather than in the same one.  "Desperately" pairs with "breathlessly" and even part of "REScue", and there are a few others like it throughout.  Melodic motifs call attention to these rhymes in the song, which gives me extra things to ponder with regard to suggestions.  Is the line's improvement enough to forego the rhyme?

 

Lastly, I know "survive the night" is much better than "all", it's just been a nightmare because THE gets a serious amount the spotlight, which goes against every instinct I have.  After toying with it over the past day, I finally have gotten to the point where it only gags me rather than making me want to smash my guitar, so I'll make the swap and see how it reviews in the Songs Forum.  :)

 

On to the comments!

 

@Peko - Thanks, Patty.  Sorry I missed your comment the first time around.  

 

@M57 - I don't know if it was "frozen" or "satellites" that bugged you before, but your comment made me reconsider both.  While there seems to be no good option for "moon" (which itself doesn't work), I did stumble upon "battered", which has some great alliteration with both "barren" and "satellite".  Thanks!

 

As for the uke, as I'm sure you expect I have figured the song out on it, but I'm leaning toward this kind of arrangement.

 

 

@AndyLeF - You are much too kind, Andy.  You put so much effort in and dole out so many juicy nuggets.  I won't respond to them all, but here are a few

 

On 3/12/2018 at 09:48, AndyLeF said:

A glimmer comes into view    Can't help thinking that this line could contain "hope" somewhere allowing the 5th line to add something new...

I tried using "salvation comes into view", and "our last hope comes into view", but I just can't squeeze them in.  I know it's the same number of syllables as "a glimmer", but for some reason that one is much easier to deliver.  I did change the next two lines, though, and hope you might give them a look see in the OP above.  :)

 

On 3/12/2018 at 09:48, AndyLeF said:

We'll settle down, we'll settle down     The repeat seems a shame when "Town" is beckoning:"We'll settle down, build a new town"....

Once you hear it, you'll realize that "town" isn't beckoning.  :)

 

On 3/12/2018 at 09:48, AndyLeF said:

Power is cutting out          "Power" is a land lubbers speak imho; cool astronauts might use the more 'sexy' - "Rockets are cutting out"

I was going for a "the whole ship is falling apart" vibe here, which I thought power conveyed best.  That said, I did have "engines are cutting out" as a backup, and I've made the swap.

 

On 3/12/2018 at 09:48, AndyLeF said:

Please, give us a chance       Who is the "please" aimed at? - in times of desperation maybe it would be "Gods" or some hero type name...?

I don't have an issue with this line.  IMO, it doesn't matter who it is aimed it - or even if it is aimed at anything at all - it's merely trying to convey a desperate plea.

 

Thanks, my friend.

 

@DonnaMarilyn - Lots to chew on, as usual.  :)

 

On 3/12/2018 at 11:38, DonnaMarilyn said:

Desperately needing to land I tend to balk at the use of adverbs. The verb and the action should show the reader what's going on. How about 'We're needing someplace to land'. Or 'Desperate for somewhere to land'. It's clear from the previous and the following lines that the situation is urgent. Also, the cadence is the same as line 3, V2.

I'm generally against their usage as well, so when I saw your "for somewhere" suggestion, I thought it would be an easy swap.  When I played it, though, I realized that the wavering, unresolved melody played nicely into the soft and long "e" sounds in "desperately need", so think it's going to stay.

 

The second adverb, as much as I love how "breathlessly" echoes the earlier line, has been tentatively changing to "clutching each others' hands".  

 

EDIT:  Maybe a simple:  "searching for somewhere to land"?

 

On 3/12/2018 at 11:38, DonnaMarilyn said:

Through the telescope  Would there be a telescope on a spaceship? Would a telescopic screen not be more usual (i.e. the kind that enables things light years away to be visible)?

I've been waiting for someone to mention this line - it's the one I thought was most flawed from the start, thought for reasons different than yours.  A 'telescope" is fine, IMO, the problem is that we don't need telescopes to see a few light years out, our eyes can do that!  And anything that is requires a telescope to view is too far to reach in their current condition!  It sounds great, though, so I was hoping it would pass muster... or at least be ignored.  :)

 

Because I was prepared for it to be a problem, I have an alternate couplet that was added to the OP.  I hope you have the time to check it out and let me know if it works better.

 

On 3/12/2018 at 11:38, DonnaMarilyn said:

Right where we are I know you need an end rhyme for 'stars' but this line doesn't feel strong enough to represent what will amount to a crash landing. It also sounds as though 'right where we are' indicates where the ship is at the present moment, which is in space.

I saw the same problem, which I tried to fix with the change to "if" at the start of the chorus repeat.  The "if" tries to project it to the point where the landing has already been successful and "right where they are" is no longer in space.  I agree it's not ideal, and I'll definitely still play with it, but thankfully the song isn't quite asking for brilliance at that spot.  :)

 

Much appreciated, Donna.  

 

@A Musical Key

23 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

A few alternate word choices for you. Just in case you don't have enough.  You have a plethora of responses to a lyric you wrote in response to a plethora of lyrics with space themed songs. That'll teach you to stay away from trends! ;)

LOL!  In fairness, I posted this in response to the trend, it was already written.  :)

 

23 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

"gone quiet" might be better as "gone silent" No one says "They've gone quiet"

This is interesting.  It's my understand that "gone quiet" relates exactly to this situation... someone at the end of a long-distance communication that is no longer transmitting.  Am I wrong?

 

23 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

"frozen satellites" might be better if you can work in something to do with "interstellar flight" or "decaying orbit" or "gravity fights"

Absolutely agreed.  For the time being I've swapped it to "battered satellites", which I know doesn't solve the biggest problem, but it sounds awesome.  :)

 

23 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

"put the pedal down" reeks to me of gasoline. Surely, a better phrase can be constructed

Damn you!  :)

 

@Mike B

21 hours ago, Mike B said:

Supplies are running down   Batteries run down, supplies run low

You are correct.  I switched it to "running out", thanks.

 

21 hours ago, Mike B said:

Rescue is in our hands    You don't rescue yourself, you save yourself

I think this works in a "if we're gonna be rescued, we gotta do it ourselves" kinda way.  I like the mild contrast.

 

Thanks everyone.  I greatly appreciate your time and effort, the piece is already better because of it.  {slow clap :)}

 

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53 minutes ago, Oswlek said:
21 hours ago, Mike B said:

Rescue is in our hands    You don't rescue yourself, you save yourself

I think this works in a "if we're gonna be rescued, we gotta do it ourselves" kinda way.  I like the mild contrast.

Nice work!  For what its worth (probably nothing!), I agree with Mike about the word "rescue".  It seems like the appropriate word would be something that relates to "survival".   "Our lives are in our hands" is possibly an option.

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Nice.. Can't wait to hear the music you have for this one.

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On 3/10/2018 at 15:21, Oswlek said:

Hi, Justin, My thoughts in blue:

 

On 3/10/2018 at 15:21, Oswlek said:

Home in the Stars

 

Updated - the lines in red are the ones I'm most interested in feedback on at this point

 

V1

Wand'ring alone

Supplies are running out

Desperately needing to land (maybe "searching for somewhere to land"?) Desperate for a place to land?  I like "desperate" better than "searching."

Mission control

Has gone quiet now

Rescue is in our hands

 

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Battered satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Sight so beautiful

Last one suitable   LOVE this line! and good with the one before

For a frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Engines are cutting out

Clutching each others' hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance   I like this as is without any reference to God or Gods

 

C

Will we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down  I don't want you to have to scrap the whole song, :D so pedal works OK, but I'm with the others that something else would be better. It sounds out of date.

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive the night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

 

Original

 

V1

Drifting alone

Supplies are running down

Desperately needing to land

Mission control

Has been quiet now

Rescue is in our hands

 

{Interlude}

 

V2

Amid barren worlds

(and) Frozen satellites

A glimmer comes into view

Through the telescope

It's our only hope

A frantic rendezvous


C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

V3

We make the approach

Power is cutting out

Breathlessly clutching hands

Ship don't burn up here

In the atmosphere

Please, give us a chance

 

C

Will we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

Put the pedal down, the pedal down

'Til we're tearing apart

 

If we survive all night

On this breakneck flight

We'll settle down, we'll settle down

Right where we are

We'll make this world our...

Home in the stars

 

 

Alright, lay it on me!  Thanks in advance for the feedback.  :)

 

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Hmmm,  very nice.

     I like searching.  As far as suitable, the site needs to be suitable because time is running out ala Neal Armstrong desperately running low on fuel before landing at Tranquility Base. "Please be suitable" sort of evokes that desperation. 

      "Retro rockets, get this scrap of metal down"  might work. Those retros come in handy. 

          Breakneck does have near rhymes that might lend themselves to this write. Flightdeck, trainwreck, etc.  To see a rarely used word repeated twice in the chorus calls too much attention to it, I think.  All in all very nice write. 

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I think you did a great job on these lyrics. I definitely like the rewrites on your verses. It’s crazy how changing even the simplest words makes such an impact. I like “desperately needing to land” over “searching for somewhere to land” searching just kind of sounds leisurely. Where as desperately shows the panic in your situation. Also I prefer “somewhere suitable” Over “last one suitable” because you lost communication so you really don’t know that that’s the last place. I’m with Paul on that it reminds me of ground control to Major Tom. Good job!👍 

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Thanks guys.  I'm going to lock the thread now because the song has reached a point where the music is necessary for any further critiquing.  Not that I think it's perfect, mind you, it just means that I don't want to waste anyone's time with suggestions that aren't possible in the context of the song.  

 

No matter what, the lyric is much better thanks to your help.  It's really appreciated.

 

@kuya - much obliged.  Those are some great near rhyme suggestions for breakneck.  To my ear, the music/melody is calling for a repeat there, which we'll just have to wait until I record to see if I'm right.  :) 

 

I considered "please be suitable", but there were a few minor issues.  First, I used please in V2, but even changing it to "we hope it's suitable" (or something to that effect) misses the distinction between being suitable for life and suitable for the desperation attempt inferred by the next line.  I had hoped to capture both, but I'm not skilled enough a writer so I settled for the latter.

 

@HoboSage - Thanks, Dave.  You are always a great help.  I'll toy with the song and you'll see later if any of those are implemented.  :)

 

@ART1108 - You are much too kind.  I'm glad you like "somewhere" because it sings much better than trying to squeeze in extra data about how desperate the whole situation is.  :)

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