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Murphster

Lucky with you

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Hi all,

 

Been struggling a bit lately, my pile of unfinished songs gets bigger by the day, my problem as always is lyrics and getting bored of songs before I get a chance to finish them. I occasionally dip back into the past and try and finish a song from last year, this is one. 

 

I would really love some feedback on this idea, for my own sanity if nothing else. Weird that this is what I finished tonight as it is the most frothiest, daft and fun song I have ever written really. Throwaway I guess, but it really suits the music.

 

Think Country, mid to high tempo, Shaniya Twain, girly and poppy. All drums and jangly guitars. I have no idea how I ended up with this nonsense but I loved the riff and it just kinda grew from there.

 

Lucky with you

 

You say, everything's going your way,
You pull, everyone in your wake,
Fools game, but nothing should come this easy
It's just all too much for me to take.

I need, a piece of the dream you're selling
Give me, the chance to feel this awake.
I saw, your tell in the way you touched me
And it's all too real for you to fake.
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round,
Feel something true
My cards spell sin, I push all in.
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
You call, co's you are the one that can see me
Take all, if you think my hand is mild
I saw, the way that you looked me over
And I know that all my cards are wild.
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round,
Feel something true
My cards spell sin, I push all in.
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
Fools game, I don't even know your name
But there is something 'bout your fame in these parts
Wrong Dame, if you think you got me made
I don't plan to show you more than my hearts.
 
I saw, the way that you looked me over
And know that all my cards are wild.
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round,
Feel something true
My cards spell sin, I push all in.
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.

 

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53 minutes ago, Murphster said:

Hi all,

 

Been struggling a bit lately, my pile of unfinished songs gets bigger by the day, my problem as always is lyrics and getting bored of songs before I get a chance to finish them. I occasionally dip back into the past and try and finish a song from last year, this is one. 

I'm sure you are not alone in this - I've certainly got hundreds of lyric starts awaiting inspiration to take 'em further. 

 

I would really love some feedback on this idea, for my own sanity if nothing else. Weird that this is what I finished tonight as it is the most frothiest, daft and fun song I have ever written really. Throwaway I guess, but it really suits the music.

 

Think Country, mid to high tempo, Shaniya Twain, girly and poppy. All drums and jangly guitars. I have no idea how I ended up with this nonsense but I loved the riff and it just kinda grew from there.

 

Lucky with you

 

You say, everything's going your way,
You pull, everyone in your wake,  Love this line :)  When you start adding music maybe consider "...everyone along in your wake"...
Fools game, but nothing should come this easy
It's just all too much for me to take.    
Great Verse 1 here. The last line is not really pulling it's weight with the standard of first three lines for me - it has a lot of little words taking up valuable describing space. Maybe something like "Keep pinching myself blah blah blah", "I've won the lottery when I'm with you", loads of possibilities - just more 'meat' needed.

I need, a piece of the dream you're selling
Give me, the chance to feel this awake.
I saw, your tell in the way you touched me   liked the gambling reference. Maybe "saw"=>"felt" , since it's a touch...
And it's all too real for you to fake.  :) 
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round, Really good image here!
Feel something true            Why not keep your great roulette wheel image going here? "The clatter/chatter of the dice"... or something... 
My cards spell sin, I push all in.     
Shame, the change to cards here spoils the image built up so far. "My chips all in, feels like we can begin" or something...
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you. 
Think you can lose "And" here with a better flow and greater contrast with the "I'm" coming in the next line.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
Only a little polishing needed in the chorus for me but it's a great start and doesn't really need that much more to make it shine.
 
You call, co's you are the one that can see me  "You" => "Your"?
Take all, if you think my hand is mild
I saw, the way that you looked me over        
And I know that all my cards are wild.
 
From the way I read your hook - she's a bit of a wild one but has seen something in you and as a result you think you have got really lucky. Verse2 seems to be suggesting that the game has changed into one of competition where she doesn't really see anything in you after all and is just playing a game with you.
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round,
Feel something true
My cards spell sin, I push all in.
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
Fools game, I don't even know your name
But there is something 'bout your fame in these parts
Wrong Dame, if you think you got me made
I don't plan to show you more than my hearts.
 
Shame - like verse 2 , verse 3 seems to be drifting away from, what I thought was, your main hook idea.
The gambling references comes thick and fast but are maybe distracting you from your hook development.
 
I wanted to hear something like (forget about trying to rhyme anything)
 
You had all of those suckers 
eating out of the palm of your hand
But to me you showed your true heart 
and despite your reputation I got lucky
 
I saw, the way that you looked me over
And know that all my cards are wild.       Does this line actually make sense?
 
My chips are down, the wheel spins round,
Feel something true
My cards spell sin, I push all in.
And gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.

 

In summary for me - fab title, first verse and great chorus potential which only needs a little polishing.

 

I got confused a bit with your hook after the first chorus - I thought 'she', with the energy and reputation, had fallen for 'you' because she had seen something in you. This would for me have been a really cool story line as then you could perhaps have explored what she had seen in you when you considered yourself to have a poor 'hand'.

The other, less cool for me, interpretation of your central hook idea is that she is just playing a game with you. The v2,v3 gambling references rather become an end in them selves than about the potential relationship.

 

Sorry if I got hold of the wrong end of the stick - feel free to ignore my ramblings! 

 

Andy

 

 

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5 hours ago, AndyLeF said:

In summary for me - fab title, first verse and great chorus potential which only needs a little polishing.

 

I got confused a bit with your hook after the first chorus - I thought 'she', with the energy and reputation, had fallen for 'you' because she had seen something in you. This would for me have been a really cool story line as then you could perhaps have explored what she had seen in you when you considered yourself to have a poor 'hand'.

The other, less cool for me, interpretation of your central hook idea is that she is just playing a game with you. The v2,v3 gambling references rather become an end in them selves than about the potential relationship.

 

Sorry if I got hold of the wrong end of the stick - feel free to ignore my ramblings! 

 

Andy

 

 

Andy, you have nothing to say sorry for! Thanks. Excellent feedback and I really appreciate it. I agree with you on a lot of things here.

 

You have given me a lot to think about but you make sense, I have wandered from my original theme I guess. Thanks, I am gonna have another go at this.

 

Cheers

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Just a thought as I was looking at how I can define the story better. What do you think of the idea that this isn't actually about a person at all but is actually about Vegas. It obviously sounds like a person, and can be interpreted that way, but what if the subject was actually the City? Not the first song to do that with a place but seen as you have been so helpful how does that sound to you?

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8 minutes ago, Murphster said:

Just a thought as I was looking at how I can define the story better. What do you think of the idea that this isn't actually about a person at all but is actually about Vegas. It obviously sounds like a person, and can be interpreted that way, but what if the subject was actually the City? Not the first song to do that with a place but seen as you have been so helpful how does that sound to you?

That's certainly one way to go any yes there have been a lot of Vegas gambling type songs.

 

Guess it's what vibe you feel comfortable with in your songs:

A/ if you prefer the clever, metaphor, gambling reference lyrics go that way...

B/ if you prefer a song with some message in the human feeling/emotion arena, then develop the human interest story...

 

Of course if this was a Shania Twain/Matt Lange song (ala "Man, I feel Like A Woman") - they would go the B route but with a lot of A in it as well! :P

 

I know, maybe toss a (loaded?) coin ...:P:ph34r:;) :D

 

Andy

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Second go, thanks for the help.

 

It's A&B, in that it is about Vegas, but maybe it is about a girl called Vegas...?

 

I tried to make the last line about waking up with her, but in the end I went for the sad ending. A suitable suggestion might make me change my mind.

 

You say, everything's going your way,
You pull, everyone in your wake,
I saw, your tell in the way you touched me
And it's all too real for you to fake.
 
I need, a piece of the dream you're selling
Give me, the chance to feel this awake.
Fools game, but nothing should come this easy
With my hopes so high let's raise the stakes
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
You've got, an awfully bad reputation
For taking suckers along for a ride
But I know, that I can win you over
If my luck holds out for one more night.
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
 
Middle 8:
Lights bathe the streets in this City of Sin
Everyone I meet tonight is here to get a win
But there can only be one guy in this town
Who can bet this house and bring it down
 
 
As daylight, seeps through blackout curtains
My mind turns, to where it all went wrong
It seems that, I lost it all on evens
I'll get it back, I know it won't be long
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 

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10 hours ago, Murphster said:

Second go, thanks for the help.

 

It's A&B, in that it is about Vegas, but maybe it is about a girl called Vegas...?  Good idea - could also mean the city so, good to have the double meaning intended or not.

 

I tried to make the last line about waking up with her, but in the end I went for the sad ending. A suitable suggestion might make me change my mind.

That was fast!

 

You say, everything's going your way,  
Your idea above would be "Vegas says, everything's going her way" and then "She pulls everyone in her wake"
Would need to use, of course, "she" and "her" in the following lines in this verse and the verses below if you went this way...
You pull, everyone in your wake,
I saw, your tell in the way you touched me
And it's all too real for you to fake.    Yes!
 
I need, a piece of the dream you're selling   
Give me, the chance to feel this awake.
Fools game, but nothing should come this easy
With my hopes so high let's raise the stakes    Oh yeah!, you're on a - on a (wait for it) - roll! :) 
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
XLNT!, the chorus is very well focused now with consistent images :) 
 
You've got, an awfully bad reputation  xlnt!
For taking suckers along for a ride
But I know, that I can win you over
If my luck holds out for one more night.  Great stuff
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 
 
Middle 8:
Lights bathe the streets in this City of Sin 
Everyone I meet tonight is here to get a win    maybe lose "get a" for better flow - it also has no loss of meaning
But there can only be one guy in this town
Who can bet this house and bring it down  :):) 
 
 
As daylight, seeps through blackout curtains   You might also consider "seeps" => "creeps" here.
My mind turns, to where it all went wrong
It seems that, I lost it all on evens
I'll get it back, I know it won't be long
Excellent twist (sorry) in the story here.
I'm just wondering if this last section should be a tag; an end section with no following chorus cos this last line is an absolute killer line to end the song on....
 
My chips come down, the wheel spins round,
It's time to choose
So I'll begin, and push all in
Gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
I'm gonna get lucky...lucky with you.
 

This is really coming along well!

 

Looking forward to hearing it :) 

 

Andy

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Hi

it seems you have the bones of a good lyric here

and I think Andy's help is going the right way 

I love the idea the girls name Is Vegas it swings everything in a definite direction that you could capture

a good song heading for a great song, keep on it don't let it go it's more than worth it

all the best

mike

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