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Tongue-tied

Don't Need'em Anymore

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Revised  Version

 

 

 

V1

 

I can't defy your unsaid goodbye

No Valentine to save my loss

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf

 

Ch

 

Don't need'em anymore

My heart's down on the floor

My eyes won't see you like before

Don't need'em anymore

My feet won't walk through your door

My arms won't hold you on the shore

Don't need'em anymore

 

V2

 

No heart to sigh no eyes to cry

Like a diamond missing its gloss

A yielding hostage who'll never fly

Chained to memories and scotch to toss

Yet my lonely shadow's looking for me

 

Ch

 

Don't need'em anymore

My heart's down on the floor

My eyes won't see you like before

Don't need'em anymore

My feet won't walk through your door

My arms won't hold you on the shore

Don't need'em anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Draft

 

V 1

It's a cold goodbye

A very big loss

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf

 

Ch

Don't need'em anymore

If my heart is laid down on the floor

And my eyes can't see you once more

Don't need'em anymore

If I won't walk through your door

To hold you tight like I did before

Don't need'em anymore

 

V 2

No heart to sigh no eyes to cry

Like diamond reduced to dross

A yielding hostage who dreads to fly

Chained to memories and scotch to toss

Again my lonely shadow's looking for me

 

Ch

Don't need'em anymore

If my heart is laid down on the floor

And my eyes can't see you once more

Don't need'em anymore

If I won't walk through your door

To hold you tight like I did before

Don't need'em anymore

 

 

 

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On 1/27/2018 at 05:36, Tongue-tied said:

 

 

It's a cold goodbye

A very big loss

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf............Seems a bit of overkill in terms of a goodbye. 

 

Don't need'em anymore

If my heart is laid down on the floor..........I'm not really getting this image.  Try leaving off "If" and "laid"

And my eyes can't see you once more

Don't need'em anymore

If I won't walk through your door

To hold you tight like I did before......Not a very strong image of why you don't need them anymore.  I'd rework these last 2 lines. 

Don't need'em anymore

 

No heart to sigh no eyes to cry

Like diamond reduced to dross..............had to look up definition of "dross."

A yielding hostage who dreads to fly............What does this mean and how does it relate to losing your love?

Chained to memories and scotch to toss.........Again, I fail to get the message with "scotch to toss."

Again my lonely shadow's looking for me..........If this is is v2 it seems that the count goes way off on the lines. 

 

Don't need'em anymore

If my heart is laid down on the floor

And my eyes can't see you once more

Don't need'em anymore

If I won't walk through your door

To hold you tight like I did before

Don't need'em anymore

 

 

 

I am not sold on this, what I believe is, a love gone bad story.  Too much imaging efforts and not enough story.  

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If the conceit is that you don't need your various body parts anymore, you should start right in with that. Not

On 27/01/2018 at 14:36, Tongue-tied said:

It's a cold goodbye

A very big loss

but right in with the inventory 

On 27/01/2018 at 14:36, Tongue-tied said:

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf

And if you don't need to rhyme with sky and cross, you have more flexibility with how your dispose of your eyes, arms, legs, and heart. 

 

But let's stop there for now. There's something really wrong with the arms and legs bit. Taking away your eyes (vision) and heart (love) works metaphorically -- you don't need them to see his or her beauty anymore, and you don't or can't love anymore -- but constructing this memorial cross of your butchered arms and legs is plain ghoulish without working very much on a metaphorical level.

 

So, to paraphrase, starting with something like 

Take my eyes -- what use are my eyes if I can't see you anymore?

Take my heart -- what use is a heart if a heart can't love?

might put your story on more solid ground without making your song into a charnel house.

 

 

 

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This lyric has some beautiful lines...but to be honest I can't really grasp the whole meaning. The image thing song dorms is very hazy. It is poetic but.....i think it would be better if you developed it a bit. As Malcolm said - having no use for your heart and eyes makes sense....but the rest comes off as weird.

An option could be that you centre the song around....what use is a broken heart? Or something of that sort.

This could really turn into great though!

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Hi Tongue-Tied,

 

i think this is a great lyric. I love the imagery. I would like to offer a few suggestions.

 

Chorus 

And my eyes can't see you like before 

 

I think that extra syllable would help and eliminate the exact rhyme even though it is used again .

 

V 2

Like rhodium reduced to dross 

 

I think that it's important that this line makes sense. 

 

I I like the use of seldom used words and I like the fact that you are writing for yourself.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

 

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On 19/05/2018 at 00:10, malcolm said:

If the conceit is that you don't need your various body parts anymore, you should start right in with that. Not

but right in with the inventory 

And if you don't need to rhyme with sky and cross, you have more flexibility with how your dispose of your eyes, arms, legs, and heart. 

 

But let's stop there for now. There's something really wrong with the arms and legs bit. Taking away your eyes (vision) and heart (love) works metaphorically -- you don't need them to see his or her beauty anymore, and you don't or can't love anymore -- but constructing this memorial cross of your butchered arms and legs is plain ghoulish without working very much on a metaphorical level.

 

So, to paraphrase, starting with something like 

Take my eyes -- what use are my eyes if I can't see you anymore?

Take my heart -- what use is a heart if a heart can't love?

might put your story on more solid ground without making your song into a charnel house.

 

 

 

Greetings malcolm,

 

Thanks very much for reading and commenting on my lyric.

I regret that it didn't appeal to you as expected. Sorry Sir. To some extent I guess this lyric did its job as it made you feel

that it was  " ghoulish/ a charnel house " I really like this description.

You also said that " There's something really wrong with the arms and legs bit "  As a rule I hate to explain lyrics simply

because 1) The Author Is Dead, that's to say, once a lyric is out there it belongs to the recipient only,2) if a lyric has to be

explained then it fails to do its job.

Since you put me in a corner,I'll give you some explanation regarding the arms and legs which I think they are as valid as

the eyes and heart.

The protagonist used to go walking to his/her loved one home almost every evening,as they broke apart he/she lost direction.

Having nowhere to go , he/she doesn't need'em anymore. And so is the case with arms that used to feel the warmth and softness

of the other partner's body which no longer exists. Now if the protagonist's arms have nothing to hold but cold emptiness,then he/she

doesn't need'em anymore. Why make'em a memorial cross?  To be an eternal witness of his/her sincere devotion.

Perhaps if the chorus is read carefully it will explain why the massacre took place.

 

Cheers.

 

I think I'll make some minor tweaks soon. Been on my mind long time ago.

 

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On 20/05/2018 at 07:57, Anna J said:

This lyric has some beautiful lines...but to be honest I can't really grasp the whole meaning. The image thing song dorms is very hazy. It is poetic but.....i think it would be better if you developed it a bit. As Malcolm said - having no use for your heart and eyes makes sense....but the rest comes off as weird.

An option could be that you centre the song around....what use is a broken heart? Or something of that sort.

This could really turn into great though!

 

 

Greetings Anna,

 

Thanks a lot for your kind words. I highly appreciate your comment.

You're right this lyric is not explicit as there's no backstory. Actually the real protagonist of this lyric is the

moment of unbearable pain the love interest is undergoing. In some situations it's better to leave things

open to the recipient own interpretation / imagination since art is extremely subjective.

I do hope that my reply to malcolm above will help you grasp the whole meaning of the lyric.

 

I'll be back to the drawing board for some minor tweaks.

 

Thanks for the visit.  Cheers.

 

 

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Hi T.T.

There is a lot about this too like very much.

Those things are.

The patterning inter-verse of the rhyme scheme gives a feeling of seeming repetition when it's not there and that is very clever. 

The body parts metaphor is very strong. And is excellent chorus support. And it's not been done to death, "moon shadow " is all I can think of of the top off my head.

 

You go very close to poet speak, but for the most part just stop short with your images, so that shows great judgement.

 

The quality of the images: Nailing your eyes to the sky, I wish I'd written that. It's right up with Lennons "Fixing a whole in the ocean, trying to make a dove tail joint"

 

The line "chained to memories and scotch to toss" is an example of saying so much with so few words. Like they have been together since they were 9 or 10 and it's so elegant and cool that you didn't say it, you showed it. It's like I didn't like dross too much and I looked at what it rhymed with and thought.

That's hopscotch that's like childhood sweethearts, and dross no longer became a problem . Because the better thing for the song by far is that image. It's so powerful. And writing is compromise. And it's only that dross is not conversational, I only say that if I'm being sarcastic.

 

If you could insert something in line one to get that internal happening as you have in verse two, and to get the meter constant that would be smoother

Example: "it's a lie, cold goodbye" that doesn't make sense but it's an example of the rhyme structure I'm talking about.

 

In line two  both verses  are 3s for mete,r but verse two has quite a lot less non stressed syllables. The temptation might be to put some fillers in there.

I wouldn't do that because what is going to happen is there is going to be a lot of space around line two verse one and it also allows it to be back heavy phrased. And I feel a potential for a great dramatic moment there. If that doesn't work think about the fillers then.

 

  1          2       3     4      1         2           3

[rest ]     a       ver   y     big      [rest]      loss

 

So it could sound quite dramatic, the space needs to be left so that "Like diamond reduced to dross" 

Can fit, with a consistent melody.

But to me it feels like a happy accident which will create great prosody.

 

The feel of the thing may not be as unstable as I would have thought it should be with the verse being the more unstable of the two parts.

Its subjective, and it's a thing that you might need to do a chorus edit, but you won't really know until it's tuned up how much that's going to be. 

But that will be a matter of de rhyming from AAAAAAA to AAX AAAX or something like that so it's not something I would do now. I mean if the song is weak bar phrased for example it may well make the feel of the chorus just right.

 

I just had a thought about line one verse one. 

That is to do with metaphor, as you are using metaphor as you main glue in the lyric it might be a good idea to get one as high up in the song as you can, because metaphor has gravity, in that it only colours the lines that follow, it it has no effect on the lines that go before it. So the number one position is verse one line one, to get the maximum bang for your buck.

So I'm wondering about some thing like

 

"Like tears of ice a cold goodby" (with an internal consonant rhyme.)

 

I like the lyric very much and enjoyed the read and studying it a bit. It's right up there. Who's doing the music?

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Let me preface this by saying that I am a newbie to both the forum and songwriting, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

 

I like this. The images are good without being florid, and the rhyme scheme works nicely. The hook is strongly represented in terms of repetition, and the whole song is conceptually built around the hook in a pleasing way (kudos for that).

 

If it were my song, I would try to find something other than 'hold you tight'. Also, 'heart to sigh' doesn't really seem to make literal sense, and the 'hostage.. afraid to fly' is a bit of a weird image that kind of seems to be in there for the rhyme. Other than that, it's hard to criticise.

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Hi Mr. Tied

Most of the edits add to it and I think they are valid.

"My steps won't walk through your door" adds focus to the song idea so that's good.

"My arms won't hold you " is the same deal. Also good.

 

I really don't like this edit "My heart's got no you to adore"

 

I preferred the original line. It's like your dumbing it down for the grammar nuts. I really wouldn't do that.

Because adore is non conversational it comes across as a forced rhyme and it feels amateur.

 

I don't know your experience or level of writing, however I am concerned that if you are not experienced, some supposed critiques on this board may be detrimental too your writing. If you are then it doesn't matter.

 

The point of critique is to encourage and develop craft. Not to somehow gratify one's short comings by ripping other people work to sheds. That is not critique,

it is not helpful, it is merely done to make that person feel OK by the only means they can that is make someone feel not OK.

 

If a so called critique is not doing that then I advise you to print it out and use it as toilet paper.

 

To recognise one of these non critiques is quite easy. If the post is entirely negative, this is wrong that is wrong this is crap. Then it's not a critique its just self aggrandisement on the part of the poster.  If I critique a song it takes maybe an hour of thinking about it and what is going on and possible solutions etc.

 

You have to ask yourself a question If this poster only has negative things to say about your work, so he sees no merit in it at all. Then why is he spending time writing what he, or she thinks is a critique. The answer may well be in the psychology text book under transactional analysis. In the chapter entitle the I'm OK your not OK personalities.

 

You got music for this?

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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As others have said, many good lines here, with intriguing imagery. (I especially like the notion of the lonely shadow looking for the now - hypothetically -  scattered body parts.) 

 

However, I’d like to see more of an actual story for the imagery to hang onto. What happens for me when I read the lyric is that the profusion of images gets in the way. The visceral imagery is cluttered, and – to me – is also too big a reminder of the self-harming that many young people undertake.

 

(I suspect that English is not your native language, though you clearly have a fine way with words. :) If I’m mistaken, I apologise. :) )

 

V1&2 both say the same thing, so there’s no movement in the story.  Can you give us a few concrete details? Think of who, where, when, what, what, why – in particularly the who, the what, and the why. What was so special about the girl he adored? Why did she break off the relationship? There doesn’t need to be a lot of detail – just some clue to justify the singer feeling so devastated, and – above all - to make him sympathetic to the reader/listener. Make him someone we can relate to, and actually understand and care about because we've had the same experience and feelings. 

 

Something you might consider is using a different rhyme scheme in V2. This will open more possibilities in terms of new lines/new information. As it stands, some of the end rhymes sound forced in their attempt to match the rhyme scheme in V1. Bear in mind as well that words like 'loss/cross/dross/toss' are high in 's' sounds, and not particularly pleasing to the ear (or easy to sing).

 

it's important to consider the way words sound, and how well the sounds reflect the given emotion.

In highly dramatic love or tragedy lyrics, for instance, vowel sounds like 'o' (as in soft 'o' - 'shot'/'long' and hard 'o' -'moan'/'groan') and 'a' (as in 'all'/'far', etc.) go over well, as do consonants like 'm' and 'n'. Think of it: the sound of the word 'moan' is pretty much like the actual meaning. ;) And the sounds of 'l' and 'r' are always pleasing, no matter where. 

 

To break up the sameness of the structure and give the piece more momentum, you could write a bridge. Your structure could then be verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus.

 

I suggest rewriting line 2, V1. It seems an inappropriately mild way to describe the turbulent emotions that have led to the singer describing how he’d be willing (in theory) to dismember himself.

 

The chorus sounds more like an extension of the verses. 

 

No need to use the vernacular ‘em’, as the rest of the lyric isn’t written in that style. It also weakens the impact of the actions. (Though if you prefer to stick with 'em', you could always drop in a few ‘wanna’s and ‘gonna’s to even things up. ;) )

 

I strongly recommend that you get hold of a couple of good books on lyric writing (e.g. Songwriting for Dummies by Peterik, Austin, and Lynn [good for info on the functions of a lyrical section], or anything by Pat Pattison or Sheila Davis). Or check out the websites of Pat Pattison

http://www.patpattison.com and Ralph Murphy http://www.songwriting.net/blog/topic/ralph-murphy.

 

By the way, no need to worry about reviewers pointing out perceived flaws in order to make themselves feel better about their own writing. That doesn’t happen here. :)

Most of the folks who review regularly are long-time members of the community. Each of us has his/her own manner of writing a critique - some may sound harsher than others - but our common goal is to share our knowledge and experience of the craft of writing lyrics, and to offer insights that might be useful to the person requesting the critique. (And it's also true of newer members.) That of course doesn’t mean that everything we suggest is on the mark or even relevant. ;) And the lyric writer is entirely free to do what he/she likes with any of the suggestions.  ;) 

 

I hope anything I’ve said here will be helpful, for this and your future lyrics,. Keep or sweep, of course. ;) 

 

Revised  Version

 

Don't Need Them Anymore (Suggest 'them' rather than 'em'.)

 

V1

 

I can't defy this cold goodbye  Suggest ‘your’ instead of ‘this’. Makes it more personal.

It's a very big loss  Needs a stronger description. Also, I’d like to see a more personal description.

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky  We’d normally ‘tear out’ or ‘gouge out’ eyes. Suggest changing ‘strip away’ to one of these.

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross Suggest ‘Use my arms and legs’.

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf  Great image. But – to me – the ‘hungry wolf’ isn’t relevant here. But it could be the basis of another lyric.

 

Rough example only - and not necessarily a good one - to show what I mean. 

 

I can’t defy your cold goodbye

But this hurt is hard to take

I want to tear out my eyes

Nail them to the sky

Use my arms and legs

For a memorial cross

My heart’s in pieces

Nothing left to break

I don't know how else to handle this loss

 

(BTW, it’s OK not to have a rhyming word at the end of a last line in any of a lyric’s sections. But for interest and cohesion, it’s sometimes interesting to have word in the last line of a verse that rhymes with the last end word in the other verses.)

 

Ch I suggest loosening up the rhyming. Variety would add interest.

 

Don't need'em anymore

My heart's got no you to adore 

My eyes won't see you once more In conversational use, we’d say ‘…won’t see you again’.

Don't need'em anymore

My steps won't walk through your door  Suggest ‘My  feet won’t walk’ or ‘My steps won’t go’. Steps themselves can’t walk, as they’re not physical objects like arms, legs, eyes.

My arms won't hold you like before

Don't need'em anymore

 

Rough example only of a different structure & rhyme scheme. Just to show what I mean. 

 

All these parts of myself

I don’t need anymore

There’ll be nothing left

To bleed anymore

Not going to walk through your door again

No point dwelling on what might have been

I was always true but now there’s no more you

For my heart to adore

And I don’t need myself anymore

 

V2 Some of the rhymes sound forced, especially in lines 2 & 4 (dross/toss). 

Also, the verse gives us no information as to why the singer feels this way. Instead, it refers back to the effect of the chorus. Each line is just a simile or a metaphor. Best to use just one per verse and stick to it.

 

No heart to sigh no eyes to cry

Like diamond reduced to dross

A yielding hostage who'll never fly Confusing. UPDATE: Ok. I get it now. The guy is saying that he's willing to stay tied to his feelings of loss, and will never make an attempt to create a new life for himself even though the current relationship is over. In other words, he prefers to stay feeling sorry for himself. I feel that to many readers/listeners, this would make him less sympathetic a character.

Chained to memories and scotch to toss A confusing image. I get that the singer feels chained to memories and to the glasses of whisky that he’s tossing back, but the emotion needs to be expressed more clearly.

Again my lonely shadow's looking for me

 

Ch 2

 

Suggest writing a bridge to give the piece a different momentum and pull the story forward. A bridge can provide a resolution to the issue described in the verses/chorus, or offer a new perspective.

 

For instance, you might return to the notion of the shadow finally, one day, finding the singer whole again, and ready to embark on a new love. Just a random thought. :)

 

Or you  can opt not to have a lyrical bridge, just a musical interlude before the third chorus. 

 

Ch 3

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10 hours ago, DonnaMarilyn said:

As others have said, many good lines here, with intriguing imagery. (I especially like the notion of the lonely shadow looking for the now - hypothetically -  scattered body parts.) 

 

However, I’d like to see more of an actual story for the imagery to hang onto. What happens for me when I read the lyric is that the profusion of images gets in the way. The visceral imagery is cluttered, and – to me – is also too big a reminder of the self-harming that many young people undertake.

 

(I suspect that English is not your native language, though you clearly have a fine way with words. :) If I’m mistaken, I apologise. :) )

 

V1&2 both say the same thing, so there’s no movement in the story.  Can you give us a few concrete details? Think of who, where, when, what, what, why – in particularly the who, the what, and the why. What was so special about the girl he adored? Why did she break off the relationship? There doesn’t need to be a lot of detail – just some clue to justify the singer feeling so devastated, and – above all - to make him sympathetic to the reader/listener. Make him someone we can relate to, and actually understand and care about because we've had the same experience and feelings. 

 

Something you might consider is using a different rhyme scheme in V2. This will open more possibilities in terms of new lines/new information. As it stands, some of the end rhymes sound forced in their attempt to match the rhyme scheme in V1. Bear in mind as well that words like 'loss/cross/dross/toss' are high in 's' sounds, and not particularly pleasing to the ear (or easy to sing).

 

it's important to consider the way words sound, and how well the sounds reflect the given emotion.

In highly dramatic love or tragedy lyrics, for instance, vowel sounds like 'o' (as in soft 'o' - 'shot'/'long' and hard 'o' -'moan'/'groan') and 'a' (as in 'all'/'far', etc.) go over well, as do consonants like 'm' and 'n'. Think of it: the sound of the word 'moan' is pretty much like the actual meaning. ;) And the sounds of 'l' and 'r' are always pleasing, no matter where. 

 

To break up the sameness of the structure and give the piece more momentum, you could write a bridge. Your structure could then be verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus.

 

I suggest rewriting line 2, V1. It seems an inappropriately mild way to describe the turbulent emotions that have led to the singer describing how he’d be willing (in theory) to dismember himself.

 

The chorus sounds more like an extension of the verses. 

 

No need to use the vernacular ‘em’, as the rest of the lyric isn’t written in that style. It also weakens the impact of the actions. (Though if you prefer to stick with 'em', you could always drop in a few ‘wanna’s and ‘gonna’s to even things up. ;) )

 

I strongly recommend that you get hold of a couple of good books on lyric writing (e.g. Songwriting for Dummies by Peterik, Austin, and Lynn [good for info on the functions of a lyrical section], or anything by Pat Pattison or Sheila Davis). Or check out the websites of Pat Pattison

http://www.patpattison.com and Ralph Murphy http://www.songwriting.net/blog/topic/ralph-murphy.

 

By the way, no need to worry about reviewers pointing out perceived flaws in order to make themselves feel better about their own writing. That doesn’t happen here. :)

Most of the folks who review regularly are long-time members of the community. Each of us has his/her own manner of writing a critique - some may sound harsher than others - but our common goal is to share our knowledge and experience of the craft of writing lyrics, and to offer insights that might be useful to the person requesting the critique. (And it's also true of newer members.) That of course doesn’t mean that everything we suggest is on the mark or even relevant. ;) And the lyric writer is entirely free to do what he/she likes with any of the suggestions.  ;) 

 

I hope anything I’ve said here will be helpful, for this and your future lyrics,. Keep or sweep, of course. ;) 

 

Revised  Version

 

Don't Need Them Anymore (Suggest 'them' rather than 'em'.)

 

V1

 

I can't defy this cold goodbye  Suggest ‘your’ instead of ‘this’. Makes it more personal.

It's a very big loss  Needs a stronger description. Also, I’d like to see a more personal description.

Gonna strip away my eyes nail'em to the sky  We’d normally ‘tear out’ or ‘gouge out’ eyes. Suggest changing ‘strip away’ to one of these.

Cut my arms and legs for a memorial cross Suggest ‘Use my arms and legs’.

Give away my heart to a hungry wolf  Great image. But – to me – the ‘hungry wolf’ isn’t relevant here. But it could be the basis of another lyric.

 

Rough example only - and not necessarily a good one - to show what I mean. 

 

I can’t defy your cold goodbye

But this hurt is hard to take

I want to tear out my eyes

Nail them to the sky

Use my arms and legs

For a memorial cross

My heart’s in pieces

Nothing left to break

I don't know how else to handle this loss

 

(BTW, it’s OK not to have a rhyming word at the end of a last line in any of a lyric’s sections. But for interest and cohesion, it’s sometimes interesting to have word in the last line of a verse that rhymes with the last end word in the other verses.)

 

Ch I suggest loosening up the rhyming. Variety would add interest.

 

Don't need'em anymore

My heart's got no you to adore 

My eyes won't see you once more In conversational use, we’d say ‘…won’t see you again’.

Don't need'em anymore

My steps won't walk through your door  Suggest ‘My  feet won’t walk’ or ‘My steps won’t go’. Steps themselves can’t walk, as they’re not physical objects like arms, legs, eyes.

My arms won't hold you like before

Don't need'em anymore

 

Rough example only of a different structure & rhyme scheme. Just to show what I mean. 

 

All these parts of myself

I don’t need anymore

There’ll be nothing left

To bleed anymore

Not going to walk through your door again

No point dwelling on what might have been

I was always true but now there’s no more you

For my heart to adore

And I don’t need myself anymore

 

V2 Some of the rhymes sound forced, especially in lines 2 & 4 (dross/toss). 

Also, the verse gives us no information as to why the singer feels this way. Instead, it refers back to the effect of the chorus. Each line is just a simile or a metaphor. Best to use just one per verse and stick to it.

 

No heart to sigh no eyes to cry

Like diamond reduced to dross

A yielding hostage who'll never fly Confusing. UPDATE: Ok. I get it now. The guy is saying that he's willing to stay tied to his feelings of loss, and will never make an attempt to create a new life for himself even though the current relationship is over. In other words, he prefers to stay feeling sorry for himself. I feel that to many readers/listeners, this would make him less sympathetic a character.

Chained to memories and scotch to toss A confusing image. I get that the singer feels chained to memories and to the glasses of whisky that he’s tossing back, but the emotion needs to be expressed more clearly.

Again my lonely shadow's looking for me

 

Ch 2

 

Suggest writing a bridge to give the piece a different momentum and pull the story forward. A bridge can provide a resolution to the issue described in the verses/chorus, or offer a new perspective.

 

For instance, you might return to the notion of the shadow finally, one day, finding the singer whole again, and ready to embark on a new love. Just a random thought. :)

 

Or you  can opt not to have a lyrical bridge, just a musical interlude before the third chorus. 

 

Ch 3

Now that Mr. Ted 

Is a proper critique. That is how it's done!

Also I will second the suggestion that you get some Pat Pattison in your head. In my opinion he is the best communicator in the entire universe when it comes to

matters song writing. He normally comes here once every two years. I do feel that seeing Pat lecturing is much more beneficial than a book. 

There is a course run by Berklee  it's a short course six weeks I think. And it's a really good grounding. His video lectures are very good. 

Make yourself a pot of coffee and spend an hour with this.

 

This course run through coursera starts tomorrow US time. And it is the best  https://www.coursera.org/learn/songwriting-lyrics. If you do the assignments I'l get a couple of writers who are across the course to critique them for you. As well as the peer to peer critiques that are part of the course. And it's very important to do your critiques of other students work. You have to do six to get a mark I recommend you do at least ten because you learn by critique of others work.

 

Just a note to Donna about the scotch to toss line.

When we were small we payed a game called hop scotch where there was a shape drawn on the playground with chalk and it had about six squares in it and it was shaped like a cross. The idea being that you stood behind your mark and tossed your scotch so it landed on square 1 then you had to hop in sequence up the pattern hopping over the square your stitch was on on the way up and picking it up on the way back with out two feet touching the ground or going out of the lines etc. then you were still in and you could toss for number two. The bests scotches were made of lead cause they didn't bounce out of the square. When you made a mistake you were out and the other person had their turn. 

 

The point of this explanation is this is a game played up until you are about 9 or ten it's a little school thing.

So it's showing they were childhood sweethearts and that line was just fab to me. I think if it's a cultural thing and if Americans don't get something maybe he could say rope to skip or whatever it is that kids do in little school in the US. But if it were me I say let them google it and leave it how it is.

 

The main thing is how he is showing not telling in those two lines. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

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14 minutes ago, Snabbu said:

Just a note to Donna about the scotch to toss line.

When we were small we payed a game called hop scotch where there was a shape drawn on the playground with chalk and it had about six squares in it and it was shaped like a cross. The idea being that you stood behind your mark and tossed your scotch so it landed on square 1 then you had to hop in sequence up the pattern hopping over the square your stitch was on on the way up and picking it up on the way back with out two feet touching the ground or going out of the lines etc. then you were still in and you could toss for number two. The bests scotches were made of lead cause they didn't bounce out of the square. When you made a mistake you were out and the other person had their turn. 

Well, that's a fascinating bit of info! 😀 I'd never heard of the game under that name; to me, growing up in Canada, it was known simply as 'hopscotch, which is why my imagination went in the direction of the guy tossing back shots of scotch. 😄Amazing how one interprets something that isn't clear. ;)  So, TT, which interpretation is the right one? ;)

 

Anyway, TT, I certainly agree on checking out Pat's Coursera course. I did it a few years ago, and found it to be of tremendous value, especially learning the 'box' technique of building up a story's progression, and determining what kinds of rhyming words to use. 

 

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Hi Donna

Yes I noticed you touched on "writing inside the box" on your comment on the country lyric.

Which I think is essential in that genre. So I thought aha! she's done the course.

I actually was not going to do it because I thought I know all this stuff by now it was a thing about making me more efficient that sold it too me.

And I just loved doing the exercises and how he blows the lid off a lot of nonsense that is spoken about writing. Particularly in regard to creativity.

I think he's the bees knees

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

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Hi TT

 

  As others had mentioned, the first two lines seemed rather pedestrian for what would follow. Chorus was rather melodramatic, but I'll say depending on music genre, it could work. The second verse was easily the best thing going on here.

Just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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I'm sorry, I haven't been on this site for a while. I'm intrigued with this song. It is obvious this person has stolen you heart and left you. Heart break can be devastating. But for me, we know little else. I guess I'm lazy, I don't want to work that hard to understand a story. I would suggest you listen to Dan Fogelburg's Tucson Arizona. It deals with dark subject matter, but little doubt as to what was going on. Also another good one is the Eagles, what do I do with my heart? If we knew Who, what, and why it helps us to better understand this person. It gets tough, I'm a struggling songwriter myself.  Keep working on it, you'll get there.

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