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It's been a while since I've posted something here in feedback.  I wrote this a year ago but have played around with lines and altered things over the course of the past year. I'm looking for line suggestions that could make this stronger but I am also open to constructive comments on the material.  I realize the content contains a number of different issues of the day, but I am comfortable having more than one issue at hand, but if that is a problem then by all means let me know why.  What motivated me to write this is the constant attention I see given to the use of the word "Racist" mainly on TV among the media, which has turned me off to the point where I don't watch much in the way of any television news.  Again, line or word suggestions are the goal and focus for me but I am open to and interested to get a reaction to the content of what I wrote because as the writer it may come across or project one way to me and come across quite differently to someone else.  Please weigh in.   Oh and if this were to be sung I can't imagine too many genres that could or would encompass it.  Rap?  Hmm Lines may be too short.  Hip Hop?  Anyway............Here it is.   Have at it folks.  

 

(New line 5 Verse 2)  4th Posting 

 

Racist

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
Along with the other whites
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
And to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes

Cops are good guys made to look bad
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture       

And if you speak out you will be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Racist                                                (Revised - 3rd Posting) Returning to original 5th line of Verse 2 but that line is still being worked on. See line 5 V2 in purple.  

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
Along with the other whites
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
And to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes

Cops are being painted as bad guys  (THIS LINE IS  PRESENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION )-  Open to suggestions for this line but prefer to have "cops" included.
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture       
Our
And if you speak out you will be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Racist                                                                                (Revised - 2nd posting) Original is below this.      CHANGES ARE IN PURPLE.  

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
Along with the other whites
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
And to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes
The cops are described as vicious pigs
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture
And if you speak out you will be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Racist  (Original post)

 

If you don't believe as some do
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
And of course you must be white
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
But to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes
Cops are being painted as bad guys   
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture
And if you speak out you could be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

Edited by spanishbuddha
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1 hour ago, spanishbuddha said:

It's been a while since I've posted something here in feedback.  I wrote this a year ago but have played around with lines and altered things over the course of the past year. I'm looking for line suggestions that could make this stronger but I am also open to constructive comments on the material.  I realize the content contains a number of different issues of the day, but I am comfortable having more than one issue at hand, but if that is a problem then by all means let me know why.  What motivated me to write this is the constant attention I see given to the use of the word "Racist" mainly on TV among the media, which has turned me off to the point where I don't watch much in the way of any television news.  Again, line or word suggestions are the goal and focus for me but I am open to and interested to get a reaction to the content of what I wrote because as the writer it may come across or project one way to me and come across quite differently to someone else.  Please weigh in.   Oh and if this were to be sung I can't imagine too many genres that could or would encompass it.  Rap?  Hmm Lines may be too short.  Hip Hop?  Anyway............Here it is.   Have at it folks.  

 

 

Racist

 

If you don't believe as some do...........I think you need to be specific here:  Instead of some I would suggest: If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
And of course you must be white............With the rest of the whites
Your education must be lacking.........Not sure about this education line. I understand that academia these days propagandizes and not educate. Something like: You failed your PC education
Your mind stuck in the past tense
But to firmly go against the grain..........I think "And' instead of "But" might flow better. 
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd.........Great descriptio of the followers.
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word.................Very good.  Hard hitting truth. 

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes
Cops are being painted as bad guys   ............Cops described as pigs
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture
And if you speak out you could be attacked .......I would change "could" to "will."

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force ...........Yeah, ain't that the truth. 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

I agree this one might be a hard sing - perhaps a spoken song with America the Beautiful playing in the background.  I really enjoyed the read and can relate very well to the message. Got a winner with this one. 

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12 hours ago, spanishbuddha said:

It's been a while since I've posted something here in feedback.  I wrote this a year ago but have played around with lines and altered things over the course of the past year. I'm looking for line suggestions that could make this stronger but I am also open to constructive comments on the material.  I realize the content contains a number of different issues of the day, but I am comfortable having more than one issue at hand, but if that is a problem then by all means let me know why.  What motivated me to write this is the constant attention I see given to the use of the word "Racist" mainly on TV among the media, which has turned me off to the point where I don't watch much in the way of any television news.  Again, line or word suggestions are the goal and focus for me but I am open to and interested to get a reaction to the content of what I wrote because as the writer it may come across or project one way to me and come across quite differently to someone else.  Please weigh in.   Oh and if this were to be sung I can't imagine too many genres that could or would encompass it.  Rap?  Hmm Lines may be too short.  Hip Hop?  Anyway............Here it is.   Have at it folks.  

 

Racist                                                                                (Revised - 2nd posting) Original is below this.      CHANGES ARE IN PURPLE.  

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
Along with the other whites
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
And to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense - May be blamed as a capital offense ?

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word 

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes
The cops are described as vicious pigs
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture
And if you speak out you will be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

 

 

Racist  (Original post)

 

If you don't believe as some do
Then you can't be for what is right
You'll be placed in a category
And of course you must be white
Your education must be lacking
Your mind stuck in the past tense
But to firmly go against the grain
May be viewed as a capital offense

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

So you think all lives should matter
Immigration's out of control
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites
Third world countries are shitholes
Cops are being painted as bad guys   
Statues should remain intact   
The nation is losing its culture
And if you speak out you could be attacked 

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
To the herd
You're a racist
You're a racist
You're a racist
That's the word

 

Carl B  © 2017

We are living a cruel & fake world. And most of us don't even bother about it. How come we are so blind! 

Media is just a tool to spread their propaganda to manipulate, right? 

I watched a Bernie Sanders speech. he explained how 1%-5% greedy criminal people control the everything. Rest of the people are getting nothing. I think you could mention/point finger at them somewhere.

 

Ashfi

-------------------

 

 

 

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Comment on the lyric only.  Keep the politics out of it.

 

Moderator

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Comment on the lyric only.  Keep the politics out of it.

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Hey SB, have to admit I was confused on the content of this - it seems that the verses are being sung by the racist, then the chorus is the 'answer back'?

 

This line would probably be misunderstood when sung: 'Then you can't be for what is right'  - reading it, I can see the 'what is right' being "one thing", but not sure how it would sound when sung out.

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Hi SB

 

I do agree with your comment about the media to a point.

Report on the facts - but don't tell us what conclusion we are to make of them.

We can/should figure that out on our own.

However in this instance, I agree with their conclusion:

 

What walks and talks like a duck is probably... a duck :)

 

The lyric has a good flow to it. I like the repetition of the hook.

I'm not sure about repeating "You're a" every time though - seems redundant.

Good luck getting a rapper willing to sing this :)

 

Paul

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Comment on the lyric only.  Keep the politics out of it.

 

Moderator

 

Moso EDIT: Yeah, easy to fall prey to tangents on this one. It reminds me of when a couple I knew were trying to live "the life" in Bolivia and created a kickstarter campaign asking people for money to support them. They asked me how to make their kickstarter better, because -surprise- few people were donating. So I had this conflict of thinking the project odd while at the same time wanting to help a friend out. In the end, I suggested they open a mini shop of sorts or try to build a school in the village they were trying to live in. Win-win, I was hoping. 

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3 hours ago, Moso said:

 

 

Comment on the lyric only

 

Modertor

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Btw, I think these lyrics would be perfect for aggressive, old school rap. (Although hahaha the ideological irony there might cause a spit take or two.) 

 

EDIT: 
Your second verse and the two sentences later on are a little confusing. Are these all stances that the Racist has? It seems like a mix of the Racist's beliefs, and accusations towards the Racist. They're a little hard to tell apart. And what strategic plan is set on a course? The Racist's, or those who think the Racist is poorly educated? (Actually, even that's a little confusing. I saw Trump at a rally called his followers poorly educated, and the rally went up in cheer. But it seems people who don't like Trump shake their heads and call his followers poorly educated, and the followers get upset.)  

 

 

Quote

 

So you think all lives should matter  <-- the Racist is saying only he believes this, or others do?
Immigration's out of control           <-- the Racist believes this, yes?
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites   <-- still rolling with the Racist's beliefs?
Third world countries are shitholes   <-- does the Racist believe this one? 
The cops are described as vicious pigs   <-- by whom? If not the Racist, this is a change of direction that seems to last only one line
Statues should remain intact   <-- this going back to the Racist's views? 
The nation is losing its culture   <--- I assume by now you are making a direct argument 
And if you speak out you will be attacked   <-- this is an interesting double line in that it can both mean the Racist feels he will be attacked if he speaks his mind, and/or that the Racist will attack other people if they speak their minds. Kind of reminds me when I saw that Trump rally where T-dog told his followers to punch protestors. The point being that the line is flexible. 

 

 

Anyone who questions or challenges the strategic plan set on a course 
Is a threat to the media hype that exploits with all its force

 

 

 

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Feels similar in format to this rap song that presents the other side of the story. (warning: contains strong language)

Not sure if you were influenced by this track and are trying to provide a response?

 

 

 

 

In terms of feedback on your lyrics, I'm in agreement with Mike - there seems some confusion about whose perspective some parts are being sung from. 

 

As an example, here's my take on the perspectives conveyed in verse 2:

 

So you think all lives should matter - liberal view
Immigration's out of control - conservative view
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites - conservative view that's possibly also shared by some liberals
Third world countries are shitholes - conservative view
The cops are described as vicious pigs - liberal view
Statues should remain intact   - conservative view
The nation is losing its culture - conservative view
And if you speak out you will be attacked
  - conservative and liberal view?

 

Regardless of what people think of the sentiment, I think tightening the perspective being conveyed is probably the main challenge that would benefit the song

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KEEP YOUR COMMENTS ON THE LYRIC.  KEEP THE POLITICS OUT OF IT.

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Hi SB, 

         I tweaked the first verse a little to clarify (for me at least) the focus because I think the pov could be misunderstood.   

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right ..... for what’s right
You'll be placed in a category.... placed in isolation 
Along with the other whites.  .... and dismissed as some dumb white


Your education must be lacking. ... Will be questioned
Your mind stuck in the past tense. ... clutching bibles and your guns
And to firmly go against the grain.    You’ll be labeled something nasty
May be viewed as a capital offense.  Ridiculed by everyone

 

etc.

 

     

 

     

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Hi, spanishbuddha

 

ive tried several times to understand what you’re trying to say, but I’m totally confused!  Sorry,  I can’t tell what is a direct statement and what is sarcasm (if anything.). Please try again.  I’m sure you have something important to communicate.

 

Patty

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Greetings Spanishbuddah,

 

I like it very much.Well done.This lyric is a brave and straightforward account of the current affairs keeping the right balance

between two irreconcilable parties. In other words,it's a clever autopsy of each side's argument. I hear a noble voice crying in

the vast inviting everyone to strip themselves away from herd mentality and stop labeling themselves or others and simply be

true to the naked truth.

 

It's really amazing that most people are concerned about air pollution yet unaware of brain pollution inflicted on them by the

tyranny/dictatorship of the media hunting them around the clock. It's a tragedy that if ONE event is on the news,we usually

get two different/opposed stories of the same event while switching between CNN and SKY news for instance which is 

absolutely impossible. Those behind the scene simply look after their own interests by keeping the masses in check...

 

The truth is that every soul is endowed with a perfect moral machine but other wicked minds are mean enough to pervert this

machine which is the only tool that lifts us to be real human beings. I think this is what your lyric is telling me.By the way,I don't

find it confusing at all,it's clear,simple and flows well.

 

" Smart ones suffer even in heaven,idiots rejoice even in hell "

 

Keep or sweep.

 

Cheers

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On 1/16/2018 at 09:21, Ashfi said:

We are living a cruel & fake world. And most of us don't even bother about it. How come we are so blind! 

Media is just a tool to spread their propaganda to manipulate, right? 

I watched a Bernie Sanders speech. he explained how 1%-5% greedy criminal people control the everything. Rest of the people are getting nothing. I think you could mention/point finger at them somewhere.

 

Ashfi

-------------------

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and commenting, Ashfi. Appreciate it. 

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On 1/15/2018 at 21:45, Barneyboy said:

I agree this one might be a hard sing - perhaps a spoken song with America the Beautiful playing in the background.  I really enjoyed the read and can relate very well to the message. Got a winner with this one. 

Thanks Barney

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On 1/16/2018 at 15:01, Mike B said:

Hey SB, have to admit I was confused on the content of this - it seems that the verses are being sung by the racist, then the chorus is the 'answer back'?

 

This line would probably be misunderstood when sung: 'Then you can't be for what is right'  - reading it, I can see the 'what is right' being "one thing", but not sure how it would sound when sung out.

Try singing it then.  Thanks for commenting, Mike. 

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On 1/16/2018 at 15:59, PaulCanuck said:

Hi SB

 

I do agree with your comment about the media to a point.

Report on the facts - but don't tell us what conclusion we are to make of them.

We can/should figure that out on our own.

However in this instance, I agree with their conclusion:

 

What walks and talks like a duck is probably... a duck :)

 

The lyric has a good flow to it. I like the repetition of the hook.

I'm not sure about repeating "You're a" every time though - seems redundant.

Good luck getting a rapper willing to sing this :)

 

Paul

Paul, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 

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On 1/16/2018 at 18:20, Moso said:

Btw, I think these lyrics would be perfect for aggressive, old school rap. (Although hahaha the ideological irony there might cause a spit take or two.) 

 

EDIT: 
Your second verse and the two sentences later on are a little confusing. Are these all stances that the Racist has? It seems like a mix of the Racist's beliefs, and accusations towards the Racist. They're a little hard to tell apart. And what strategic plan is set on a course? The Racist's, or those who think the Racist is poorly educated? (Actually, even that's a little confusing. I saw Trump at a rally called his followers poorly educated, and the rally went up in cheer. But it seems people who don't like Trump shake their heads and call his followers poorly educated, and the followers get upset.)  

 

 

 

 

Yes, I could picture this as rap. Don't know about old school though.  Thanks Moso for sharing your thoughts. 

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23 hours ago, SongWolfe said:

Feels similar in format to this rap song that presents the other side of the story. (warning: contains strong language)

Not sure if you were influenced by this track and are trying to provide a response?

 

 

 

 

In terms of feedback on your lyrics, I'm in agreement with Mike - there seems some confusion about whose perspective some parts are being sung from. 

 

As an example, here's my take on the perspectives conveyed in verse 2:

 

So you think all lives should matter - liberal view
Immigration's out of control - conservative view
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites - conservative view that's possibly also shared by some liberals
Third world countries are shitholes - conservative view
The cops are described as vicious pigs - liberal view
Statues should remain intact   - conservative view
The nation is losing its culture - conservative view
And if you speak out you will be attacked
  - conservative and liberal view?

 

Regardless of what people think of the sentiment, I think tightening the perspective being conveyed is probably the main challenge that would benefit the song

Hi, Songwolfe:   Never heard of the tune above prior to you posting it here.  Good tune but nothing other than my own thoughts about what I see going on around me influenced this one.  Must admit, I found your dissection of each line as this or that to be amusing. 

Thanks for expressing your thoughts and commenting. 

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22 hours ago, Neal K said:

KEEP YOUR COMMENTS ON THE LYRIC.  KEEP THE POLITICS OUT OF IT.

No offense to you Neal but I hate censorship.  

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22 hours ago, kuya said:

Hi SB, 

         I tweaked the first verse a little to clarify (for me at least) the focus because I think the pov could be misunderstood.   

 

If you don't believe the fake news
Then you can't be for what is right ..... for what’s right
You'll be placed in a category.... placed in isolation 
Along with the other whites.  .... and dismissed as some dumb white


Your education must be lacking. ... Will be questioned
Your mind stuck in the past tense. ... clutching bibles and your guns
And to firmly go against the grain.    You’ll be labeled something nasty
May be viewed as a capital offense.  Ridiculed by everyone

 

etc.

 

     

 

     

No, there's no isolation.  Category is fine. 

 

Thanks for offering your suggestions. 

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20 hours ago, Peko said:

Hi, spanishbuddha

 

ive tried several times to understand what you’re trying to say, but I’m totally confused!  Sorry,  I can’t tell what is a direct statement and what is sarcasm (if anything.). Please try again.  I’m sure you have something important to communicate.

 

Patty

Hi, Patty

 

Re-read it again and see what you come up with.

 

Thanks for commenting

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7 hours ago, Tongue-tied said:

Greetings Spanishbuddah,

 

I like it very much.Well done.This lyric is a brave and straightforward account of the current affairs keeping the right balance

between two irreconcilable parties. In other words,it's a clever autopsy of each side's argument. I hear a noble voice crying in

the vast inviting everyone to strip themselves away from herd mentality and stop labeling themselves or others and simply be

true to the naked truth.

 

It's really amazing that most people are concerned about air pollution yet unaware of brain pollution inflicted on them by the

tyranny/dictatorship of the media hunting them around the clock. It's a tragedy that if ONE event is on the news,we usually

get two different/opposed stories of the same event while switching between CNN and SKY news for instance which is 

absolutely impossible. Those behind the scene simply look after their own interests by keeping the masses in check...

 

The truth is that every soul is endowed with a perfect moral machine but other wicked minds are mean enough to pervert this

machine which is the only tool that lifts us to be real human beings. I think this is what your lyric is telling me.By the way,I don't

find it confusing at all,it's clear,simple and flows well.

 

" Smart ones suffer even in heaven,idiots rejoice even in hell "

 

Keep or sweep.

 

Cheers

I don't think I could have said it better myself. 

 

Thank you very much, Tongue-tied.  I'll keep.  

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On 1/16/2018 at 18:07, SongWolfe said:

Feels similar in format to this rap song that presents the other side of the story. (warning: contains strong language)

Not sure if you were influenced by this track and are trying to provide a response?

 

 

So you think all lives should matter - liberal view
Immigration's out of control - conservative view
Blacks are as bigoted as the whites - conservative view that's possibly also shared by some liberals
Third world countries are shitholes - conservative view
The cops are described as vicious pigs - liberal view
Statues should remain intact   - conservative view
The nation is losing its culture - conservative view
And if you speak out you will be attacked
  - conservative and liberal view?

 

Regardless of what people think of the sentiment, I think tightening the perspective being conveyed is probably the main challenge that would benefit the song

Wow, that guy is... big.... around... 

 

I think others were alluding to something like this, but your detail has turned the OP off a bit. I do agree, though, that a political piece needs to be full of not just emotion, but that you really need to think about it if you want to put out a strong message. I had a similar discussion with a friend who was putting out content like this, and the end point was that if you want to just vent or otherwise get out some feelings, that's one thing, but if you actually want other people to think, then you have to do some thinking yourself and formulate real arguments. Otherwise all you're doing is pandering to people who already have your sentiments. 

 

So a lyric like this, in its existing state, is going to be more about expressing feelings and trying to find others who commiserate. But being that it's a political piece, to have real impact, to have a real punch, it needs a lot more real thought put into it. 

 

On 1/17/2018 at 09:58, Tongue-tied said:

It's a tragedy that if ONE event is on the news,we usually

get two different/opposed stories of the same event while switching between CNN and SKY news for instance which is 

absolutely impossible.

Sky... one of Murdoch's (Fox) UK news projects, right? Man, I gotta tell ya, when I came back to the US I was agog at all the propaganda, from both left and right major news outlets. But the thin reverse psychology being employed -- never in a million years would I have thought that whole "I know you are but what am I" would work so effectively and on such a mass scale. Amazing. 

But it's just more evidence that critical thinking is certainly not part of the bulk culture. 

 

16 hours ago, spanishbuddha said:

No offense to you Neal but I hate censorship.  

I think Neal misunderstood your intention in this thread. Or he's on automatic pilot to put out potential fires. Or he saw your intention, but decided he was going to nip it all regardless as a matter of function. 

But as I wrote above, "A lyric like this, in its existing state, is going to be more about expressing feelings and trying to find others who commiserate. But being that it's a political piece, to have real impact, to have real punch, it needs a lot more thought put into it." 

Just my opinion, but if you do that, I think you'll have something much stronger here that can reach more people. 

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Yeah.  I really put off reading this one because of the title.  I don't want any of that mess here.  But I got 3 lines in and my fears were confirmed.  You want a soapbox?  Fine, there's a million sites.  Leave us lowly wannabe artists alone.  Please.

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8 hours ago, Moso said:

 

Wow, that guy is... big.... around... 

 

I think others were alluding to something like this, but your detail has turned the OP off a bit. I do agree, though, that a political piece needs to be full of not just emotion, but that you really need to think about it if you want to put out a strong message. I had a similar discussion with a friend who was putting out content like this, and the end point was that if you want to just vent or otherwise get out some feelings, that's one thing, but if you actually want other people to think, then you have to do some thinking yourself and formulate real arguments. Otherwise all you're doing is pandering to people who already have your sentiments. 

 

So a lyric like this, in its existing state, is going to be more about expressing feelings and trying to find others who commiserate. But being that it's a political piece, to have real impact, to have a real punch, it needs a lot more real thought put into it. 

 

Sky... one of Murdoch's (Fox) UK news projects, right? Man, I gotta tell ya, when I came back to the US I was agog at all the propaganda, from both left and right major news outlets. But the thin reverse psychology being employed -- never in a million years would I have thought that whole "I know you are but what am I" would work so effectively and on such a mass scale. Amazing. 

But it's just more evidence that critical thinking is certainly not part of the bulk culture. 

 

I think Neal misunderstood your intention in this thread. Or he's on automatic pilot to put out potential fires. Or he saw your intention, but decided he was going to nip it all regardless as a matter of function. 

But as I wrote above, "A lyric like this, in its existing state, is going to be more about expressing feelings and trying to find others who commiserate. But being that it's a political piece, to have real impact, to have real punch, it needs a lot more thought put into it." 

Just my opinion, but if you do that, I think you'll have something much stronger here that can reach more people. 

Didn't realize you were a spokesperson for Songwolfe and Neal but thanks for the input and your interpretation. 

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3 hours ago, BigHappyJack said:

Yeah.  I really put off reading this one because of the title.  I don't want any of that mess here.  But I got 3 lines in and my fears were confirmed.  You want a soapbox?  Fine, there's a million sites.  Leave us lowly wannabe artists alone.  Please.

I don't understand your hostility.  Art can be controversial.  If you don't like what you read then turn the channel, push your ignore button and don't post.  You offer nothing constructive in the way of feedback, and frankly ,the feeling is mutual between us.  I'm not interested at this point in hearing from you either.  Most artists are usually open to all aspects of artistic expression and political discussion whether or not they all agree.  Whatever happened to Democracy and free speech?  

 

 

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To everyone who offered constructive feedback, I thank you.  If you plan to comment on the lyric, please comment on the material and how you think it could be improved.  

Edited by spanishbuddha
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Hi 

I wonder if some of the lines in verse 2 (2,3 & 4) could be said in a different less hostile way, in keeping with the first line which I like.

 

So, that the singer is someone is just voicing legitimate concerns/opinions and for his sins is called the r word, which happens so often.

 

I also wonder whether the cops line should be something like "the cops are not all vicious thugs" continuing the "so you think theme" which continues after that line.

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Perfectly sums up what's going on right now.  Brilliant piece of social commentary. Best piece of art I've come across in awhile. 

Good work.

Dan :)

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On 1/18/2018 at 18:04, spanishbuddha said:

I don't understand your hostility.  Art can be controversial.  If you don't like what you read then turn the channel, push your ignore button and don't post.  You offer nothing constructive in the way of feedback, and frankly ,the feeling is mutual between us.  I'm not interested at this point in hearing from you either.  Most artists are usually open to all aspects of artistic expression and political discussion whether or not they all agree.  Whatever happened to Democracy and free speech?  

 

 

I'm not against free speach, and I don't need a lecture on art.  We have a nice site here with people writing about love and life and personal struggles.  I'm just asking for the same respect you ask. Why can you say what you think but I can't?  This is a critique site.  I was critiquing.  

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                                       Your education needs an upgrade
                                         Your mind is stuck in the past
                                         Firmly going against the grain
                                        Yet having the gull to talk trash

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Most artists are usually open to all aspects of artistic expression and political discussion whether or not they all agree. 

 

Since it's already been established we're big fans of free speech, here it is...."THAT my man, is a complete load of crap!" 

ALL artist are human beings first..."artists" 2nd...or in some cases 3rd or 4th.

I live smack dab in the Middle of the good ol' USA, but I can't think of a single person I know who's "open to all forms of artistic expression".

I'm sorry, but in my humble opinion, that artistic claim is nothing more than self-serving delusion.

 

BTW I would have sworn you locked this thread. Perhaps it should have remained locked? Remember...we're not all as socially evolved as you are. ;)

 

Tom

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16 minutes ago, tunesmithth said:

 

Since it's already been established we're big fans of free speech, here it is...."THAT my man, is a complete load of crap!" 

ALL artist are human beings first..."artists" 2nd...or in some cases 3rd or 4th.

I live smack dab in the Middle of the good ol' USA, but I can't think of a single person I know who's "open to all forms of artistic expression".

I'm sorry, but in my humble opinion, that artistic claim is nothing more than self-serving delusion.

 

BTW I would have sworn you locked this thread. Perhaps it should have remained locked? Remember...we're not all as socially evolved as you are. ;)

 

Tom

Why don't you stick to commenting on the lyric and not vomiting your self righteous crap. Some have stated that they don't understand the pov and went line by line to describe it as either liberal or conservative. They, obviously, have missed the point. I think reading this without the built in hate and rage by some makes the perspective perfectly clear. 

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Jeez I almost hate to say anything here

      but I do think the cops line (as is) muddles the point of view. To my way of thinking, to be consistent, the POV in the lyric would be defending the police, or at least having a more benign view, but the line as it now reads

 

“... the cops are described as vicious pigs ...” has me scratching my head.  

 

     Consistency would require it be along the lines of  “ cops aren’t all vicious pigs” or an even stronger  “ most cops aren’t vicious pigs”  except written in your own words. I think the original cop line was more consistent POV-wise.  

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Why don't you stick to commenting on the lyric and not vomiting your self righteous crap. Some have stated that they don't understand the pov and went line by line to describe it as either liberal or conservative. They, obviously, have missed the point. I think reading this without the built in hate and rage by some makes the perspective perfectly clear.

 

Yes sir...I'll just do that.

Certainly am glad that you set me straight. ;)

You and I are gonna be good board-buddies...I can tell. :rolleyes:

Thanks Barney!

 

Tom

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I think the idea to sing this song while playing "America the Beautiful" in the background was the best so far. That idea was just plain genius! 

Can you hear it? You gotta flip the vox back and forth from gospel to hardcore rap: 

 

America

Fake news

America

What is right

God shed his grace on thee

Along with the other whites

And crown thy good

Lacking

With brotherhood

In the past tense

 

Oh, beautiful

You're a racist

For heroes proved

You're a racist

That's the word

From sea to shining sea

 

Etc. 

 

You could do one helluva mix-mash with these two. That was a genius idea. Freaking amazing!

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The style of this screams punk to me, not rap. For rap, you'd need more sophisticated rhyme scheme unless you're trying for old school. Punk is also more amenable to the heavy handedness (or directness, if you prefer) of the lyrics. As far as the message... though of the liberal persuasion personally, I too think the accusation of racism is often tossed out too casually. Problem is, it's also dismissed just as casually... if not moreso. This reticence of self reflection demarcates what could be a bit of a Rosetta Stone to bridge the seemingly binary ideological standoff from merely the same tired knee-jerk reactionary straw man arguments the p.o.v. wants to bury his head in. Eg. That "so you think that all lives should matter" is so obtuse to the actual argument, and this fact pointed out so many times it can only be reasonably interpreted that those who share this talking point are willfully trying to obscure or deny the message of the mantra from which it derives. Point being, it's easy pointing out the other's hypocrisies (especially when you straw man their positions) but much more difficult (and yet fruitful) to find your own. This song will work fine, in a generic way, for rallying those who agree with you and for annoying those that don't -  but if you want to achieve art, dig deeper.

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On 1/19/2018 at 20:28, BigHappyJack said:

I'm not against free speach, and I don't need a lecture on art.  We have a nice site here with people writing about love and life and personal struggles.  I'm just asking for the same respect you ask. Why can you say what you think but I can't?  This is a critique site.  I was critiquing.  

I get you don't like what was written and that's fine but you suggested (in your earlier post) that I leave the site to post somewhere else something that was written you don't like.  I would never say that to anyone even if I didn't agree with or like something they wrote.  I'd simply ignore what it was they wrote.  But again, I get it, I get it, I get it. You don't like the piece and that's OK. 

Thanks for sharing your idea of a critique. 

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On 1/20/2018 at 00:20, Kerry Parr said:

The style of this screams punk to me, not rap. For rap, you'd need more sophisticated rhyme scheme unless you're trying for old school. Punk is also more amenable to the heavy handedness (or directness, if you prefer) of the lyrics. As far as the message... though of the liberal persuasion personally, I too think the accusation of racism is often tossed out too casually. Problem is, it's also dismissed just as casually... if not moreso. This reticence of self reflection demarcates what could be a bit of a Rosetta Stone to bridge the seemingly binary ideological standoff from merely the same tired knee-jerk reactionary straw man arguments the p.o.v. wants to bury his head in. Eg. That "so you think that all lives should matter" is so obtuse to the actual argument, and this fact pointed out so many times it can only be reasonably interpreted that those who share this talking point are willfully trying to obscure or deny the message of the mantra from which it derives. Point being, it's easy pointing out the other's hypocrisies (especially when you straw man their positions) but much more difficult (and yet fruitful) to find your own. This song will work fine, in a generic way, for rallying those who agree with you and for annoying those that don't -  but if you want to achieve art, dig deeper.

Punk, that's a possibility.  The chorus (to me) sings in my head like a rap or hip hop tune, but I'll keep the punk idea in mind.

 

Thanks for sharing your opinion, Kerry. 

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On 1/19/2018 at 18:16, Joe Bloggs said:

Hi 

I wonder if some of the lines in verse 2 (2,3 & 4) could be said in a different less hostile way, in keeping with the first line which I like.

 

So, that the singer is someone is just voicing legitimate concerns/opinions and for his sins is called the r word, which happens so often.

 

I also wonder whether the cops line should be something like "the cops are not all vicious thugs" continuing the "so you think theme" which continues after that line.

Hi, Joe

The human world is increasingly becoming a hostile world. I'm sure no one needs to tell you this. I wrote this keeping it current and in your face and with regards to your concerns in the 2nd verse,  what is the issue or problem with lines 2 and 3?  Be honest. I won't bite. :P  

Are you saying I should say something that is more polite or socially acceptable in the public eye?   Regarding the cop line, I changed it back to what I originally had when I first wrote this.  Please have a look.

 

Thanks for commenting.

 

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On 1/19/2018 at 18:40, Dan Brady said:

Perfectly sums up what's going on right now.  Brilliant piece of social commentary. Best piece of art I've come across in awhile. 

Good work.

Dan :)

Thank you, Dan

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On 1/19/2018 at 21:54, kuya said:

Jeez I almost hate to say anything here -  Oh please don't feel that way. 

      but I do think the cops line (as is) muddles the point of view. To my way of thinking, to be consistent, the POV in the lyric would be defending the police, or at least having a more benign view, but the line as it now reads

 

“... the cops are described as vicious pigs ...” has me scratching my head.  

 

     Consistency would require it be along the lines of  “ cops aren’t all vicious pigs” or an even stronger  “ most cops aren’t vicious pigs”  except written in your own words. I think the original cop line was more consistent POV-wise.  

I changed the line in question back to what I originally had, Kuya.  Thank you for staying focused on ways to improve what I wrote and thank you for commenting. Your observations (like most that commented) were and are of value to me regardless of whether I agree with them or not. 

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Hell you could always just smash rap and punk together. I'm sure it's been done to some success before ;)

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On 1/19/2018 at 17:28, BigHappyJack said:

I'm not against free speach, and I don't need a lecture on art.  We have a nice site here with people writing about love and life and personal struggles.  I'm just asking for the same respect you ask. Why can you say what you think but I can't?  This is a critique site.  I was critiquing.  

To me, that's the problem.  You have nothing but the same old bland subject matter popping out in different words.  It is refreshing to read a different artistic perspective every now and then.  

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The "cops" line has always bothered me too, and it still does, because for me, even the original doesn't really fit the p.o.v..  That section sets up with the premise that what follows is what the protagonist thinks.  I think the cop line should be something like "That cops are heroes, not thugs or pigs."

 

Rap?  I think this has metal written all over it.  :)

 

Just my opinions.

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Hi SB

 

I really don't have a problem with verse 2 (lines 2,3 & 4).

 

I just think that people who use that kind of language can get marginalised in society.

 

Even though there is truth behind it, the message can get lost.

 

 

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Quote

The cops are described as vicious pigs

 

I think if you re-write this line as: The cops are not vicious pigs  - it would work in that v. 

 

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