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HEAVEN OR HELL:

 

V1:

In a case of two extremes

Devoid of subtlety 

A constant battle between

A lifeless mind or infinite energy

Never caught in the middle ground

Bouncing back and forth forever

Will there ever be peace within

Can I bring my two worlds together 

 

Ch:

I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned

Moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world

Or dig halfway to my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find a calm in between

 

 V2:

Sometimes it feels like

There’s two voices inside my head

One always building me up

The other telling me I’m better dead

The day I realized

And understood what they meant

I came one step closer

To independence from them

 

Ch:

I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned

Moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world

Or dig halfway to my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find a calm in between

 

Bridge:

Depressive mania

A walking contradiction

Maybe it doesn’t make sense

Maybe that’s the affliction

All I can do is my best

With this weight on my chest

Leave behind the rest

Each and every day a brand new test

 

How will I face the day today

 

V3:

Sometimes I like to think

I can control my thinking

Until I fill up with doubt

The symptoms I can’t figure out

I could be insane

I could be inhumane

The illness can’t be contained

Now I understand my brain

 

It’s one or the other 

 

Ch:

I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned

Moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world

Or dig halfway to my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find a calm in between

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HI Z

The one thing that stuck out to me was your changing rhyme scheme, songs really need (IMO) to be consistent.  In your chorus you use XAXAXXBB, which is a little strange, but maybe could me made to work  In the verses though, your last verse uses XXAABBCC (think and 'thinking' for 2 lines should be avoided, and its not a rhyme), whereas the previous verses were XAXAXBXB 

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Welcome Zritch,

I really like your idea here. The easiest way for me to critique this piece is to copy and paste the entire lyric, hope that's okay. You might catch some flack from others for changing your rhyming scheme but that doesn't bother me at all, I like that. Below I offer suggestions to make it more consistent and flow better. You may also catch some flack for not making a solid progression, this doesn't bother me either. Keep hammering on the same point, it goes along with the indecisiveness. I would not end this with the understanding of heaven and hell, I believe this this contradicts your point. Please feel free to use or discard any or all of the suggestions.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

 

 

HEAVEN OR HELL:

 

V1:

In a case of two extremes

Devoid of subtlety   - Devoid of any subtlety

A constant battle between - Always been a constant battle

A lifeless mind or infinite energy

Never caught in the middle ground

Bouncing back and forth forever

Will there ever be peace within

Can I bring my two worlds together 

 

Ch:

I need some clarity   -  Now I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned  - A way to get my thoughts in line

Moving back and forth  -   Always moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world  -  Now I'll rule the world today

Or dig halfway to my grave - Tomorrow I start to dig my grave   -  don't go halfway

Heaven or hell it seems  - Either heaven or hell it always seems

I can’t find a calm in between - I can't find the calm that's in between

 

 V2:

Sometimes it feels like  - Every day it never fails  - you have sometimes in this line and always in the third line

There’s two voices inside my head

One always building me up  -  One is always building me up

The other telling me I’m better dead

The day I realized  - One day maybe I'll figure it out

And understood what they meant - And understand what this all means

I came one step closer  -  I'll be one step further away

To independence from them - From this glorious and cursed dream

 

Ch:

I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned

Moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world

Or dig halfway to my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find a calm in between

 

Bridge:

Depressive mania

A walking contradiction

Maybe it doesn’t make sense  -  None of it makes any sense  -  I would not be ambiguous here

Maybe that’s the affliction - Therein lies the contradiction  -  again, be certain

All I can do is my best -  All I can do now is try my best

With this weight on my chest - And carry this weight all on my chest

Leave behind the rest   -  As I'm left behind from all the rest

Each and every day a brand new test  - And every new day a another test

 

How will I face the day today - How am I going to face today

                                            As I stand in utter dismay

 

V3:

Sometimes I like to think  -  Sometimes it takes me to the brink

I can control my thinking  - I just can't control the way I think

Until I fill up with doubt  - Every day I'm filled with doubt

The symptoms I can’t figure out - With symptoms I can't figure out

I could be insane  -  Just maybe I might be insane   -   Here you can be ambiguous

I could be inhumane - Or could it be I'm inhumane   -   okay here too

The illness can’t be contained - This illness that I can't contain

Now I understand my brain - I'll never understand my brain

 

It’s one or the other - I would drop this line

 

Ch:

I need some clarity

Or a way to get these thoughts aligned

Moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

I either rule the world

Or dig halfway to my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find a calm in between

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Mike got there before me. I knew you would hear about the rhyming scheme. Sorry Mike. 

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Nice lyric. Has a great beat. I get an Imagine Dragons feel from this.

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Hi, Z,

I like this.  

My only comment is that it feels like two different people wrote it. V1 is much more formal, like an essay for an English class, while the rest of it feels very conversational. 

 

I think your V2 is particularly good.  It you could get that same feel into V1, I think it would be an even better lyric.

 

Patty

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@James L Kleinheksel your advice was very insightful and helped a bunch. Here’s what I came up with for a first revision:

 

HEAVEN OR HELL:

 

V1:

In a case of two extremes

Devoid of any subtlety 

A never ending struggle between

A lifeless mind or infinite energy

Never caught in the middle ground

Bouncing back and forth forever

Will there ever be peace within

Can I bring my two worlds together 

 

Ch:

Now I need some clarity

A way to get these thoughts aligned

Always moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

Today I may rule the world

Tomorrow I will dig my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find the calm in between

 

 V2:

Every day consistently

There’s two voices inside my head

One always building me up

The other telling me I’m better dead

Listening to what each has to say 

Controls the outcome of each day

I don’t know which voice I’ll hear

When one speaks up the other disappears

 

Ch:

Now I need some clarity

A way to get these thoughts aligned

Always moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

Today I may rule the world

Tomorrow I will dig my grave 

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find the calm in between

 

Bridge:

Depressive mania

A walking contradiction

None of this makes sense

But that’s part of the affliction

All I can do is try my best

And carry this weight on my chest

Move forward and leave the rest behind

Every day a new challenge in my mind

 

How will I face the day today

 

V3:

I can pretend that I have control

The damage has taken a visible toll

Always question when faced with doubt

If some things are worth living without

Could it be I am insane

Is all of this my fault to blame

Filling up inside with so much shame

This illness that I cannot contain

 

It’s always one or the other

 

Ch:

Now I need some clarity

A way to get these thoughts aligned

Always moving back and forth

While I smile and pretend I’m fine

Today I may rule the world

Tomorrow I will dig my grave

Heaven or hell it seems 

I can’t find the calm in between

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Love it!! Good Job!!  Keep your own ideas, you'll do great. Take suggestions but use your own words. You are well on the way. Kudos

I understand exactly what you are saying in this piece. But then again, I am the oddball in the group. My lyrics are never well received at first. But they are well received by musicians.

 

I wish you only the best, you are off to a great start, keep it up.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

  • Like 2

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My first thought when I saw the title was that it was a huge cliche. Heaven and Hell are boring old religious concepts that don't press my buttons in any meaningful way.

 

But then I read the lyric. And in the context of the lyric, I think it works. Sounds like a person struggling either with bipolar disorder or possibly just the binge-purge all-or-nothing mentality typical of people with addictions.

 

Still. I'm wondering if there's another, better way to express it.

 

Sorry I can't be more constructive. Very tired.

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