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Latest Version is at the top.

 

One more last-minute change: "cheesy motel" becomes "sleazy motel."  We're going to record this soon, and I will post a link to the demo.  Thanks, all!

 

Revisions: Removed references to Walkin' Money till further into the lyric, in this case, the last line of V2, right before the Chorus.

More details about what's going on in the relationship to make her decide it's time to Walk.

I agonized over the Bridge that Donna suggested could be stronger, but I just plain like this one, and it fits with the music perfectly. 

 

Walkin' Money

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018

 

V1  

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think  now I know where

He thinks I’m too clueless to check his cell

Or the credit card bill for that sleazy motel

 

V2

I’m the kind of woman who takes care of herself

No man of mine’s puttin’ me on the shelf

Love’s turned ugly and it’s time to get out

Glad I got some money in my secret account

 

Chorus   

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more  

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

V3

Cash at the ready gets me down the road

I can buy a new life in a new zip code

Find  If I find a new man in a shiny new place

And I'll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case

 

Chorus 

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more 

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Bridge:

The day has come and I’m D-U-N done

Gonna grab my cash, take the money and run

 

Instr.

 

Chorus 

Walkin’ Money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more  

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi, Another revision, based on many of the comments here. Flipped V1 & V2 (per Donna's suggestion) and I hope it works better. And I tried to make it clear that this woman is fed up and is leaving NOW. She's really glad she stashed away some Walkin' Money so she can get out. Mike: The Chorus is now ALL about the singer and her Walkin' Money. Still working on the Bridge. The "D-U-N Done" part is an expression the female vocalist uses, and when I heard her say it one day, I thought I just HAD to put it in this lyric.

 

Walkin' Money

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018

 

V1

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

I had a funny feeling and lucky for me

My backup cash is gonna set me free       

 

V2

Our love’s turned sideways and it’s time to get out

I’ll use the extra money in my secret account

I set aside some funds for a rainy day

So I can buy a ticket, make my getaway

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Instr

 

V3

Cash at the ready gets me down the road

I can buy a new life in a new zip code

Find a new man in a shiny new place

And still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Instr.

 

Bridge:

The day has come and I’m D-U-N done

I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run

 

Instr.

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Hi, I chose "Walkin' Money" for the title, and have revised the lyric to keep it more focused, and showcase the hook more. The music will be a Rockabilly style with lots of attitude.

 

Walkin' Money

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018

 

V1

If love turns sideways and I gotta get out

I’ll grab my Walkin’ Money from my secret account

I funneled off some funds for a rainy day

So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway

 

V2

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

But I’ve got my Walkin’ Money waiting for me

My backup stash of cash is gonna set me free       

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

V3

Cash at the ready gets me down the road

I can buy a new life in a new zip code

’f I find a new man in my shiny new place

I’ll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend 

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Bridge:

If the day comes when I’m D-U-N done

I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend 

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

Yeah, my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Here is a revised version, with the verses reworked in First Person (idea from Mike.) Held off on the hook till the Chorus (Paul.) Completely stole a line from Kuya. Revised the Bridge with thoughts from SongWolfe, Zritch and Jim.  And even took some advice from myself and tweaked a few other things. Original post is below this one, as well as a slightly different version retitled "Walkin' Money."  Which do you think is the better choice?

 

Just in Case

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out

I need my own money to bring it about

I saved a bunch of cash for a rainy day

So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway

 

V2

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where

He saunters in midnight with that look on his face

He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

Just-in-case money, just in case

In a safe place, honey, just in case 

 

V3

We pooled our money when we started this thing

But I had a feeling what the future might bring

I set aside some pocket money just for me

My private stash of walkin’ money set me free

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

Just-in-case money, just in case

In a safe place, honey, just in case 

 

Bridge

If he’s not the one

And you’re D-U-N DONE

Grab your cash

Take your money and run

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

Just-in-case money, just in case

In a safe place, honey, just in case 

 

 

Walkin’ Money

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out

I need my own bank account to bring it about 

I saved a bunch of bucks for a rainy day  

So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway

 

V2

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where

He saunters in midnight with that look on his face

He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

In a safe place, honey, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

 

V3

We combined our cash when we started this thing

But I had a feeling what the future might bring

I set aside some pocket change just for me 

My private stash of walkin’ money set me free

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

In a safe place, honey, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

 

Bridge

If he’s not the one

And you’re D-U-N DONE

Grab your cash

Take your money and run

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can

But play it smart and have a backup plan

In a safe place, honey, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, I'm resurrecting an old lyric I put on the shelf.  This is definitely country, tongue-in cheek, for a female vocalist.  Crazy guitar riffs in there, too.  Designed to be a rollickin' crowd-pleaser.

 

 

Just in Case

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

When love turns sideways and you’re feelin’ trapped

A lack of cash is a handicap

Get some just-in-case money, just in case
So you can buy your ticket out and make your getaway

 

V2

Your man’s liftin’ weights and dyein’ his hair

He's workin’ late and he’s never there

Grab your just-in-case money, just in case

So you can kiss that man goodbye and get outta this place

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can  

But play it smart and have a backup plan

It’s just-in-case money, just in case

Just in case, honey, just in case

 

V3

You need to make sure that you’ll be okay

So take your time, plan your rainy day

You’ve got just-in-case money, just in case

So if he does you wrong, you’re gone, and you don’t have to stay

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can  

But play it smart and have a backup plan

It’s just-in-case money, just in case

Just in case, honey, just in case

 

Bridge:

You gotta invest so you can leave the nest

Buy yourself the latitude

To grab your coat and hat-itude

 

Chorus:

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can  

But play it smart and have a backup plan

It’s just-in-case money, just in case

Just in case, honey, just in case

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Hi Patty

 

I like this - packed with attitude and good advice :)

Great rhyming and flow - I expect nothing less from you though.

Now, if I was a nit-picker, I might complain about tipping your hand a bit early.

Normally I want to see the hook early, but sometimes it feels too early.

Some suggs below - stash or trash :)

 

18 minutes ago, Peko said:

V1

When love goes sour and you’re feelin’ trapped

A lack of cash is a handicap

So get yourself some money, and stow it away
Until you've got enough to make a getaway

 

V2

If your man’s liftin’ weights and dyein’ his hair

Or he's workin’ late and he’s never there

Kiss him goodbye and get outta that place

With the cash you stashed, just in case

 

Paul

 

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Thanks, Paul!  Funny, I put that hook right up front FOR YOU!   Are you trying to trip me up?:D

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Hi Patty,

    as I was reading through I was thinking replace the word 'get' in V1L3 with 'stash some cash' , until I saw Paul's suggestion. and in the chorus, would you really recommend to stay as long as you can or rather only as long as you need? minor nits though. just in case money in a safe place honey.

      I think this is very nice. clever funny hopping. very nice job.  minor tweaks at most.  well done!

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Thanks, Kuya,

 

I like:

36 minutes ago, kuya said:

just in case money in a safe place honey.

I just may have to use that!

 

I'll reconsider that line in the Chorus.  What I mean is "as long as you can stand it," but I didn't say it right.  Thanks.

 

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Hi Patty,

This has a nice pace to it and can imagine it being great performed live with lots of energy.

 

The one section that didn't work for me was the bridge. The latitude / hat-itude bit felt a bit forced. And I also wasn't sure what the bridge was trying to accomplish? Might just be me but I didn't pick up on a real shift in the pace or dynamic of the lyric.

 

Also, wonder if 'stash that cash' might fit better with the feel of the lyric than 'invest' which is quite a dry financial term

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SongWolfe,  Good points, all!  I will definitely consider everything you said!

 

Sometimes that Bridge strikes me as just right, and other times not.  

Invest is.....GONE!

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Hi Peko,

 

I love this one. I am hearing Tracy Chapman (my most favorite female song writer/voice) kinda vibe behind it. It will be awesome.

 

ashfi

----------------

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I really dig this one, the rhyme scheme works amazingly and flows well, the repetition in the verses with the little changes is nice. The last line in the bridge struck me as anti climatic and I feel like it could pay off more to revise that but otherwise I am a fan

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Hi Patty,

I love this one. One suggestion for the bridge.

 

18 hours ago, Peko said:

Bridge:

You gotta invest so you can leave the nest

Buy yourself the latitude        -        Buy yourself some peace of mind

To grab your coat and hat-itude      -   So you can leave at anytime

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Ashfi said:

Hi Peko,

 

I love this one. I am hearing Tracy Chapman (my most favorite female song writer/voice) kinda vibe behind it. It will be awesome.

 

ashfi

----------------

Thanks, Ashfi,

 

It's great to hear your enthusiasm, and it inspires me to try to make this one even better.

2 hours ago, Zritch1015 said:

I really dig this one, the rhyme scheme works amazingly and flows well, the repetition in the verses with the little changes is nice. The last line in the bridge struck me as anti climatic and I feel like it could pay off more to revise that but otherwise I am a fan

Zritch1015,

Thanks for your comments.  I am already working on a revision, and the Bridge is Target Number One. I don't know yet what I'll do, but I know it needs work.

 

12 minutes ago, James L Kleinheksel said:

Hi Patty,

I love this one. One suggestion for the bridge.

 

18 hours ago, Peko said:

Bridge:

You gotta invest so you can leave the nest

Buy yourself the latitude        -        Buy yourself some peace of mind

To grab your coat and hat-itude      -   So you can leave at anytime

 

Thanks, Jim!  I'm glad you chimed in.  You must know by now that I'm trying to fix this bridge, or decide whether to even have one.  I think a Bridge would be fun, but I have to figure out a clever message.  Your ideas help.  Thank you.

 

Patty

 

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Hi Patty, good work, but I think it would work better if the verses were in first person - make it about the singer herself.  Otherwise it all comes off as 'too preachy' to me.

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Thanks, Mike.

 

I dont like preachy, either, so I will take another look.  I have tried first person in this before, and it just didn’t have the same feel. But I hear what you’re saying and will take a fresh look at it.

 

Will post a revision soon

 

Patty

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I'm loving it! 

I love the term "walkin’ money". In fact, I think it would make a great alternative title. But then, "Just In Case Money" would too. 

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Amerigo,

 

I like "walkin' money," too.  I posted a version of that up above.  Let me know which you prefer.

 

Thanks

Patty

 

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I'm a bit biased here, but I'm going with walkin' money. 

 

BTW, I could hear someone feisty like Reba McIntyre singing this.

I need to familiarize myself with Tracy Chapman as mentioned by @Ashfi

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Thanks, Amerigo!   I'm going with Walkin' Money, too!  

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Hello Patty

love the lyric, as usual it's a good write from you, and has a good message 

yes I like walking money, if it's not already a saying it ought to be one

 

My sugestions - love turns sideways threw me. 1/ What about when love goes belly up ( ties in slightly with your fella down the gym)

2/ and you feel in a trap.

3/ get out of his face

hope you like my input, if not disregard it no problem 

all the best

Mike

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Peko,

I like this.

Two minor suggestions: The bridge could use a " Run Jane Run.  OK, maybe not. But what if you could shoehorn "cowboy hat-itude"  in there that might add a little sparkle to your shiny here.

BTW,  I tell my friends it's called walking money because you have it hidden in your shoe. Also referred to as emergency fund or my personal favorite screw you money in case someone says screw you or you have to say it first (Like take this job and shove  it!)

Or what if her man found it? A little late with that one.

I digress. My vote is for the most recent version 

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Thank you, A Musical Key!

 

Glad you like the most recent version, too. Music is in development, so when we get to that point, we can play around with the Bridge and see if there's a way to embellish it with something like your suggestion.  Maybe Run, Honey, Run.

 

Thanks for reminding me.

 

Patty

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Hi,Paddy

         Great lyric just a few nits

    


My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

But I’ve got my Walkin’ Money waiting for me    But I've got Walkin’ Money  stashed away

My backup stash of cash is gonna set me free ?  Cold hard cash from my secrete account

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Hi Patty, I hope I'm commenting on the right version. It's not clear to me which is the most recent. 

I love the notion of walkin' money. The structure is tight, and the piece flows well, as always. A few suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course. :) 

 

Donna

 

Just in Case

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1 Suggest making this the second verse, and beefing it up to match what's currently V2. 

Our love’s turned sideways and I have to get out Suggest making it present tense. More immediate. Maybe 'I'm going to get out'.

Maybe 'gone' instead of 'turned', as it might be easier to move from 'love's' to 'gone' and to sing that vowel sound. Plus you get alliteration with 'gone'/'get'.

I need my own money to bring it about Maybe 'Even got my own money to bring it about'.

I saved a bunch of cash for a rainy day 'I put a bunch of cash away for a rainy day' lets you match the cadence in line 3, V2. Plus internal rhyme.

So I can buy a ticket and make my getaway Suggest 'So I could buy a ticket for my getaway'.

 

V2 How about making this the first verse? It's the strongest. Line 1 is more dynamic and unusual, and piques interest right away. It's also more logical in terms of the storyline. Man fools around. Thinks woman doesn't know. Woman does know. Already has a getaway plan in place.

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair Fun imagery. 

He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where

He saunters in at midnight with that look on his face

He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place

 

Chorus: The switch to 2nd person is a little confusing. Maybe keep the perspective focused on the narrator.

Just in case, just in case

A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case

Stay with your man as long as you can Maybe something like 'For as long as I could I stayed with my man/But I played it smart and had a backup plan

But play it smart and have a backup plan

Just-in-case money, just in case

In a safe place, honey, just in case  

 

V3 I feel this verse could be much stronger. Maybe more about the man, and how he might think he's getting away with something, not knowing what the woman has up her sleeve. Alternatively, drop V3 altogether (have the chorus between V1 & 2) and work on a longer bridge. Just a thought.

We pooled our money when we started this thing

But I had a feeling what the future might bring

I set aside some pocket money just for me Lines 3 & 4 tell us what already know.

My private stash of walkin’ money set me free

 

Chorus

 

Bridge Needs to be stronger, with more momentum to give the story that extra push, and the reader/listener a surprise, lyrically as well as melodically. Keep the POV consistent. 

If he’s not the one

And you’re D-U-N DONE

Grab your cash

Take your money and run

 

Chorus: 

 

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On 1/11/2018 at 21:46, Peko said:

OK, I suspect this is the most recent version. ;) You'll need to ignore the comments I made on the other version in the post above, apart from switching V1 & V2. (See the other critique for details. Maybe some of the suggestions/observations can apply to this one.) In any case, keep or sweep. ;) 

 

Donna

 

Quote

Walkin' Money

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018

 

V1 I suggest making this V2.

If love turns sideways and I gotta get out In V2 it appears that the situation has already turned sideways.

I’ll grab my Walkin’ Money from my secret account I'd like to see the hook kept for the chorus.

I funneled off some funds for a rainy day

So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway

 

V2 This starts off in a fun, dynamic way, and would make a catchier first verse.

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

But I’ve got my Walkin’ Money waiting for me

My backup stash of cash is gonna set me free       

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more This makes the singer less sympathetic to me, because she's staying in a situation that's clearly not to her advantage. Might even be seen as enabling.

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

V3 This is much stronger than in the other version I critiqued. 

Cash at the ready gets me down the road

I can buy a new life in a new zip code

’f I find a new man in my shiny new place

I’ll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend 

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Bridge: The bridge needs to be stronger. At present, it simply repeats what's in the chorus.

If the day comes when I’m D-U-N done

I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run

 

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend 

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

Yeah, my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

 

 

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Hi, Donna,

 

Im so pleased to hear your critiques on Walkin’ Money.  Yes, WM is the latest version.

 

i like your idea of swapping V 1 and V2, and keeping the POV consistent. I should have caught that!

11 hours ago, DonnaMarilyn said:

Chorus

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more This makes the singer less sympathetic to me, because she's staying in a situation that's clearly not to her advantage. 

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

Just to clarify what you mean above about her staying.  I meant that she gave it a good try, but he misbehaved and so she’s NOT staying. Did that not come through that way? Put another way, are you referring to L4 or Ls 5&6. Or all of them?

 

Glad you like V3.

 

Bridge:  I can work on this.  I want it to be great!  I think the D-U-N Done line is a fun way to communicate her frustration, but maybe I can make it better.  I need to check with the musician to see what kind of musical space I have to work with.

 

Thanks, Donna, I have some more work to do.

 

Patty

 

 

Hi, Steve,

 

13 hours ago, steve macneil said:

Hi,Paddy

         Great lyric just a few nits

    


My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

But I’ve got my Walkin’ Money waiting for me    But I've got Walkin’ Money  stashed away

My backup stash of cash is gonna set me free ?  Cold hard cash from my secrete account

Glad you enjoyed the lyric.  As you can see, I have some rewriting to do, so I will consider your comments as I go back to work!

 

Thanks for commenting.

 

Patty

 

 

 

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Patty, I was referring to the last 4 lines. Because you've said 'when I've had enough', it's not clear that she has already decided to leave.

A couple of suggestions below. As always, keep or sweep. ;)

 

Donna

 

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more  Maybe like this, 'Cause I've had enough, I can't take any more'.

I’ll stay with my man as long as I can Maybe something like, 'I've stayed with my man as long as I can'. (Grammatically, it should be 'could' not 'can'. But you can probably get away with it here.) Unless you go for something like 'I stayed with my man as long as I could/But my Walkin' Money gets me out of the woods'. Or some similar kind of end-rhyme couplet.

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Maybe 'And my Walkin' Money is my back-up plan'.  Sounds more forceful.

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Thanks, Donna.  I think you have great suggestions. I will be working on this today and I will post a revision when it's ready.  Really appreciate your comments.

 

Patty

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HI Patty, what occurred to me is that in the verses the singer is telling us she's getting ready to leave NOW, but then the chorus and bridge are the singer 'preaching' to other women that they should be prepared.  I think this 'message' might work for a final outro (or maybe its ok for the bridge, which is very short), but not for the chorus, which should be about the singer (and the walking money, of course!)

 

Edited to add:

Just looking back, I see I suggested the verses be changed to first person - my fault, didn't think the choruses wold come off as preachy when left as they were.

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Hey Patty,

Great hook! I like the theme too.

You've done a great job revising. Although you have allot of folks helping you already, you might find something useful in my comments. So I'll go over it without reading the details already being covered by others. These are just my independent thoughts. 

On 1/11/2018 at 15:46, Peko said:

 

 

V1....I think you might want to find something else for L3 & 4

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where...nice openers!

I had a funny feeling and lucky for me

My backup cash is gonna set me free

 

There’s allot of same ground being covered in V1-L3 & 4 and V2-L2, 3 & 4. And I think you are getting to the punch line too fast….

”backup cash” = “funds for a rainy day” = “extra money” = “walkin' money’

 

Example of a possible new direction for V1:

My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair

He says he’s working late, and I think I know where

Last night he came home at a quarter past one      

Lipstick on his collar and smelling like rum........just to give you some ideas on lines 3 & 4. 

 

V2

Our love’s turned sideways and it’s time to get out

I’ll use the extra money in my secret account

I set aside some funds for a rainy day

So I can buy a ticket, make my getaway….this line is a good lead-in for the chorus. And I think it’s the first place I'd indicate a “getaway”. Might want to hold that though back until you’re chorus launch. You have another line that might be even better for that: “I’ll use the extra money in my secret account”

 

Example of avoiding redundancy in V2:

I had a funny feeling, so I waited up
And caught him crawling out of his pickup truck........just some examples. 

I said,
our love’s turned sideways and I’m gonna get out...You might want to begin addressing him....let him know you outsmarted him with your "secret account"...and you're not stuck.
Got a little extra money in my secret account….I think this one line covers everything in all the others I mentioned changing.
 

 

Chorus...........I'd consider saving the last two lines for a tag at the end of the song, and go with 4 lines.

Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more

I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can

And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

Lead in to Ch from V2-L4:........Got a little extra money in my secret account

 

Example of a possible Ch that is still addressing him:

Walkin' money, it's a girls best friend

Tucked it away, and it's ready to spend

Walkin' money gets me out the door

Had enough of your lies, I can't take any more

 

Instr

 

V3

Cash at the ready gets me down the road

I can buy a new life in a new zip code

Find a new man in a shiny new place

And still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case....great L4.....nice verse too. I think you could still be talking to him. You're letting him know, and the audience, that you always have a back-up plan.

 

Maybe change up to some of your original lines for Ch 2.....but still save lines 5 & 6 for the last chorus....as a tag.

Walkin’ money, it's a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more...at this point the original first four lines of the ch work even if you're talking to him.

 

Instr.

 

Bridge:

The day has come and I’m D-U-N done....great way to put it! I think it's extra good if you're addressing him IMO.

I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run....nice bridge for this song! 

 

Instr.

 

Maybe:

Walkin’ money, it's a girl’s best friend

Tucked away safe and ready to spend

Walkin’ Money gets me out the door

Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more

 

Tag..   ..I'd make something like this the ending.

I’ll stay with a man as long as I can.....still talking to him. So maybe change "my man" to "a man" for a little more attitude and because you're gonna stick with your escape strategy when you get a new man.

But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

Yeah, my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan

 

This is a mighty fine song, Patty. 

 

 

The suggestion to start addressing him directly beginning in the second half of V2.......and the idea that you have some redundancy in V1 and V2 is the essence of my ideas as I read your lyric. I hope some of this is helpful....cus you sure have allot of attention from some fine writers.....and this song has developed very nicely 

 

Joey

 

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On 2/7/2018 at 09:52, Clemo said:

Hello Patty

love the lyric, as usual it's a good write from you, and has a good message 

yes I like walking money, if it's not already a saying it ought to be one

 

My sugestions - love turns sideways threw me. 1/ What about when love goes belly up ( ties in slightly with your fella down the gym)

2/ and you feel in a trap.

3/ get out of his face

hope you like my input, if not disregard it no problem 

all the best

Mike

Clemo,

 

Forgive me!  I think I missed your comment earlier. You'll be pleased to see that I dumped "Love turned sideways."  Thank you!

 

And I ALWAYS appreciate your input!  Sorry I am so tardy with my reply.

 

Patty

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Hi, 

       Could you label your versions?  Is the top one the latest? 

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LOVE it

 

I really though it was great and could definitly hear this being sung by a country female singer. 

My only comments revolve the structure.. which I guess you'll develop more when recording. 

You note VVCVIVICBIC.. Thats a lotta instrumental. Are you talking about 4 bars each or is this  

a full 16 bars per instrumental? My concern is you will lose the listener. 

 

Only lyrical comment is this line. "Find a new man in a shiny new place" To me it seems like a woman 

with this kinda moxy wouldnt think about finding a new man. More like a stand on her own two feet 

kinda attitude. 

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3 hours ago, kuya said:

Hi, 

       Could you label your versions?  Is the top one the latest? 

Kuya, yes, the latest version was is at the top.  I will label it right away.

 

1 hour ago, Malice95 said:

LOVE it

 

I really though it was great and could definitly hear this being sung by a country female singer. 

My only comments revolve the structure.. which I guess you'll develop more when recording. 

You note VVCVIVICBIC.. Thats a lotta instrumental. Are you talking about 4 bars each or is this  

a full 16 bars per instrumental? My concern is you will lose the listener. 

 

Only lyrical comment is this line. "Find a new man in a shiny new place" To me it seems like a woman 

with this kinda moxy wouldnt think about finding a new man. More like a stand on her own two feet 

kinda attitude. 

Malice 95

So happy to hear that you like it.

 

You have pointed out something that I should have been aware of.  Those parts marked ”Instr” are NOT full-on instrumental breaks.  They are an indication for the vocalist that there is a brief break there. The only real Instrumental break is right after the Bridge. The whole thing now comes in at 2:59, so it’s a good length. I will take out those other notations so as not to give the wrong impression.  

 

The structure is VVCVCBIC

 

Re the shiny new place, she still likes men, but she’s still going to keep some Walking Money, just in case. The truth is, I had written:

If I find a new man in my shiny new place,

I'll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case

 

and I still like that, but I worried that it would be too many words for the music there.  I'll see if the singer can work that in so it sounds just right.

 

Thanks,

 

Patty

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Minor tweak:  verse one, lines two and three both have 'think'  in them, and 

 

'I'm sure I know where'  

 

you can change one of them to something else. 

 

Chorus:  won't take no more.    Backup plan could also be go-to plan. 

 

Your quest for perfection has resulted in excellence. Nice work. 

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Thanks, Kuya,

 

Youre right!  I missed the two "thinks."

 

Thank you!

 

Patty

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Wow, Patty, great lyric. I haven't read any of the thread, just the revised lyric, but it's a super fun read and one of the most instantly singable lyrics I've ever seen. Whatever you went through to get to this point was worth it. Hope the song does the lyric justice!

 

Doug

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Very nice Patty - love the hook and it's a pity the Spice Girls aren't still around - I can hear them singing this! :) 

 

One small nit for me - going from V1 to V2 - think it would be much more effective to have a "But..." at the start of V2:

 

"...

Or the credit card bill for that sleazy motel

 

V2

But I’m a woman who can take care of herself...."

 

Just lets helps the logical flow; the contrast of revealing her position in all this.

 

Think this one needs a really sassy female country vocal - Shania Twain kind of thing. May be worth entering the lyric or song in one of the American song contests - gets seen by a lot of people in the music industry if it does well...

 

Good one!

 

Andy

 

 

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Thank you, Andy.

 

I appreciate your V2 suggestion and will definitely consider it. I'm 50/50 right now.  Yes, I agree it needs a sassy female country vocal. I may enter it and see what happens.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

Patty

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