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Permanent 

Tyler Porter 

 

Verse 1 

Your a house with a couple acres and a, 

White Pickett fence 

Your a home cooked dinner and a, 

Couple of kids

Your two wooden chairs rocking, 

On the front porch 

Remicising, talking bout 

Who loves who more 

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future 

 

Chorus 

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me 

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl you've never been temporary, 

No you've always been permanent to me 

 

Verse 2 

Your the woman I want walking, 

Down the aisle 

Holding that bouquet and, 

Making me smile 

Saying I do, I love you 

And honey mooning in Cancun

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future 

 

Chorus 

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me 

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl you've never been temporary 

No you've always been permanent to me 

 

Bridge 

Honey I know it's our first date 

And I don't wanna scare you away 

But as good as your looking tonight 

I can't help but wonder what ya' d look like 

Pushing 85... 

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future

 

Chorus

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl you've never been temporary 

No you've always been permanent to me 

 

No you've never been temporary 

Girl you've always been permanent to me 

 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future

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Hi Tee

 

I liked this - good country lyric :)

Bridge is good as is the chorus.

Maybe change the "girl" each time around to keep it fresh ("Hon", "Babe" or sth)

 

Oh, and fix the "your"s where they should be "you're" - that threw me off :)

Paul

 

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Hi, Tyler,

 

This lyric had me going in two different directions.  At first I thought it was a comfy love song about a couple who had been together a long while. She's the tattoo, she's part of him, initials on the tree, etc. And especially these last two lines in the chorus.

1 hour ago, teeporter44 said:

Girl you've never been temporary 

No you've always been permanent to me 

So you surprised me with this Bridge:

 

1 hour ago, teeporter44 said:

Bridge 

Honey I know it's our first date 

Huh?  Wait a minute!  How has she always been permanent to him?

 

It IS a nice bridge, and I love these lines:

1 hour ago, teeporter44 said:

But as good as your looking tonight 

I can't help but wonder what ya' d look like 

Pushing 85... 

But I think you could take another look at this and tweak some things to make the story hold together better.  

 

Paul's right.  The "your" and "you're" was confusing at first.

 

Keep at this one.  It could be really good!

 

Patty

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I really like the sentiment here.  It's simple truth and country.   My only suggestion would be to rearrange things in a chronological order, moving the 'first date' up top.   Take us on a journey.  You may want to modify the chorus a bit after each stage of the journey.

 

eg:  if this chorus came after talking about the first date - 

 

BE the tattoo on my right arm 

BE a part of me 

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl YOU'LL never BE temporary, 

OH WON'T YOU GET PERMANENT WITH ME

 

just a thought.  There are good bones to work with here, in my humble opinion.

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Hi Tee, 

      I have to agree with Patty that throwing the first date line in there just completely throws the listener for a curve. You could reminisce about your first date together but to talk about a tattoo on your arm when it’s your first date that would send most girls I know running.  I knew on our very first date. ...

       However  that’s easy enough to fix. everyone who had looked at this agrees this Has the makings of a very nice song.

       And I’m glad to see you submitting a lyric here again.  We missed you.  Great job on your lyric bar room rodeo! Very well done! I can hear that one on the radio being a big hit!   This one is still a few tweaks away though. 

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5 hours ago, teeporter44 said:

Permanent 

Tyler Porter 

 

Verse 1 

Your a house with a couple acres and a, ...........Proper word is "you're."  I would move "and a" to the next line

White Pickett fence 

Your a home cooked dinner and a, .......see above comment.

Couple of kids

Your two wooden chairs rocking, 

On the front porch 

Remicising, talking bout 

Who loves who more ...........Can you do better than reminiscing about who loves who more?

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture .......Keep it simple with "see" instead of picture.

A good long future ...........A loving future may be more endearing.

 

Chorus 

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me 

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree .................Not a fan of these 2 lines. Her initials should be carved in your heart not on some tree.

Girl you've never been temporary, .............part time instead? 

No you've always been permanent to me .......It's only been permanent.  Your title/hook is permanent and i think it is more effective to end the ch with permanent.

 

Verse 2 

Your the woman I want walking, 

Down the aisle 

Holding that bouquet and, 

Making me smile 

Saying I do, I love you 

And honey mooning in Cancun.........why only 6 lines vs the 8 in v1?  Why throw in some rhymes here and not in v1? Count in some lines are off.  I think you can add 2 more lines to build up the Cancun honeymoon.

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future 

 

Chorus 

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me 

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl you've never been temporary 

No you've always been permanent to me 

 

Bridge 

Honey I know it's our first date .........Wait a minute.  You give us all that loving stuff in the v's and ch but it's only your first date?  Something seems out of place.

And I don't wanna scare you away 

But as good as your looking tonight 

I can't help but wonder what ya' d look like 

Pushing 85... ..............Totally inappropriate thing to say.  I'd dump this br or re-write it without this age reference.  I think a woman would think you're some kind of a jerk with this line.  It is not anywhere in my dictionary of pick up lines. 

 

Tag 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future

 

Chorus

Your the tattoo on my right arm 

Your a part of me

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

Girl you've never been temporary 

No you've always been permanent to me 

 

No you've never been temporary 

Girl you've always been permanent to me 

 

When I see you I picture 

A good long future

I think this story does not flow well.  That br was a big surprise and the age insult was out of place for a romantic story.  

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9 hours ago, teeporter44 said:

Your initials and a heart carved 

Into an old pine tree 

What a great line! Paints an entire picture.

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Thanks for all the feedback guys. I think a common issue is the bridge, and that definitely needs to be re written, and I need to correct my grammar errors. I think all of you for the feedback and advice on this one. 

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18 hours ago, Barneyboy said:

I can't help but wonder what ya' d look like 

Pushing 85.

Actually, I think this is endearing, not an insult.

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I think this is an excellent lyric. I love the verses and the chorus. I'm not sure about tags full stop but I suppose it's a country thing. Also I'm not sure about the bridge, I think it's a clever twist but it sort of adds a comedy element that I think it could do without. I think I'd lose the tags and bridge but the rest is right up my alley

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