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PaulCanuck

A Plea from Your Heart

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My contest entry last month. Finished mid-pack so I know it needs tweaking.

What should the title be? I'm unsure about that .. plus any other advice is welcome :)

 

A Plea from Your Heart

 

Every night
I work here in your chest
While you sleep
I never rest

 

Every day
I beat in perfect time
While you lead
Your busy life

 

(pre-ch 1)
I will always do my best
But I have just one request:

 

(ch)

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me love

 

Every time
You shield me from the world
In your mind
You shelter me from hurt

 

(pre-chorus 2)
But I long for what I miss
And I can't go on like this

 

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me feel love

Let me love
Until I've loved enough
Let me love
Let me love

 

(br)
There'll come a time this life is dust
So before our chance is lost
Open up!
Open up!

 

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me feel love
Open up
Until I'm loved enough
Let me love
Let me love

 

Open up
Before our chance is lost
Let me love
Let me love

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Hi, Paul

 

This was one of my favorites from last month's circus.  I see you've made some changes in red already. This is good.  Only suggestion I can offer is regarding the 1st chorus and title. Simply call it  "LET ME LOVE'.  I kind of thought when I originally saw this during the contest listed with "Plea From The Heart" that the plea title might have indirectly taken away from the potency and power of the message and also because Plea wasn't used in the actual lyric (not that it has to be).  Great hook: Let Me Love.   You could say in the 1st chorus:  Let me love, let me BE loved, Let There Be Love.  However, I like it ending on (in 1st chorus) let me love, but think it would be much stronger there to have only 3 lines instead of 4.   Let me love, let me be loved, let me love. The other choruses are all fine in my book.

 

Surprised this one didn't do better.  

 

Happy New Year

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Hi Paul,

Pretty simple, but I like it. The title threw me off while reading the piece. Would this mean a plea from the heart of every listener? I would think that, A Plea From My Heart, would be a more appropriate title. I like the fact that you don't use the title in the lyrics. It surprises the reader/ listener when the lyrics are revealed. I didn't expect the lyrics to unfold as they did when I read them. I didn't have time to enter or review the entries from the December Lyrics Contest, so this is my first time seeing this one. I think that Spanishbuddah has a good point with, "Let There Be Love". Other than that, I have no nits to offer.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

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I feel bad for saying this but you probably want to know the criticisms more than the praise. Honestly, I was taken aback that this was your piece. It just comes across as trite fluff to me. The gimmick of the heart personified isn't original and neither is anything it says. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I respect your writing alot but this one just doesn't cut it for me. Sorry. :/

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Paul,

I had a hard time making the leap to a pleading heart in this lyric. While the intent of the lyric is clear it just didn’t translate lyrically to me. The pathos seemed a bit heavy handed and overwrought. And the 3rd verse, where the heart talks about what’s going on in your mind, that didn’t work at all for me. I know how hard it is to shift gear when a writer is committed to a lyric, hook and idea that they love and have spent time developing.

 

Now, on the other hand, if you went in a different direction and titled this “Talking Heart Blues” and made it a bit lighter it would give you the opportunity to develop this idea more completely while still getting the message across, perhaps in a fuller way.

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Ha! A mixed bag of reviews - reflecting the wide range of scoring this received in the contest :)

 

5 hours ago, spanishbuddha said:

Hi, Paul

 

This was one of my favorites from last month's circus.  I see you've made some changes in red already. This is good.  Only suggestion I can offer is regarding the 1st chorus and title. Simply call it  "LET ME LOVE'.  I kind of thought when I originally saw this during the contest listed with "Plea From The Heart" that the plea title might have indirectly taken away from the potency and power of the message and also because Plea wasn't used in the actual lyric (not that it has to be).  Great hook: Let Me Love.   You could say in the 1st chorus:  Let me love, let me BE loved, Let There Be Love.  However, I like it ending on (in 1st chorus) let me love, but think it would be much stronger there to have only 3 lines instead of 4.   Let me love, let me be loved, let me love. The other choruses are all fine in my book.

 

Surprised this one didn't do better.  

 

Happy New Year

Cheers SB - and the same to you for 2018 :) Yes "Let Me Love" might be a better title - that would hopefully allow the listener to more slowly realise the heart was being personified.

 

4 hours ago, James L Kleinheksel said:

Hi Paul,

Pretty simple, but I like it. The title threw me off while reading the piece. Would this mean a plea from the heart of every listener? I would think that, A Plea From My Heart, would be a more appropriate title. I like the fact that you don't use the title in the lyrics. It surprises the reader/ listener when the lyrics are revealed. I didn't expect the lyrics to unfold as they did when I read them. I didn't have time to enter or review the entries from the December Lyrics Contest, so this is my first time seeing this one. I think that Spanishbuddah has a good point with, "Let There Be Love". Other than that, I have no nits to offer.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

Thanks Jim - I'll def think about that sugg. :)

 

4 hours ago, Kerry Parr said:

I feel bad for saying this but you probably want to know the criticisms more than the praise. Honestly, I was taken aback that this was your piece. It just comes across as trite fluff to me. The gimmick of the heart personified isn't original and neither is anything it says. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I respect your writing alot but this one just doesn't cut it for me. Sorry. :/

 

Don't feel bad - all critiques are welcome! Honestly I couldn't think of ONE song where a heart was the POV (maybe you could enlighten me with a list :))

It was meant to be simple (not trite!) but I see your point - it is a bit sucky :) but so is the music.

 

4 hours ago, GaryHale said:

Paul,

I had a hard time making the leap to a pleading heart in this lyric. While the intent of the lyric is clear it just didn’t translate lyrically to me. The pathos seemed a bit heavy handed and overwrought. And the 3rd verse, where the heart talks about what’s going on in your mind, that didn’t work at all for me. I know how hard it is to shift gear when a writer is committed to a lyric, hook and idea that they love and have spent time developing.

 

Now, on the other hand, if you went in a different direction and titled this “Talking Heart Blues” and made it a bit lighter it would give you the opportunity to develop this idea more completely while still getting the message across, perhaps in a fuller way.

Thanks Gary - another poor score I'm guessing :)  TBH the generic "heavy handed and overwrought" isn't that helpful but I appreciate the fact that it isn't going to click for everyone. “Talking Heart Blues” ? - Yeah maybe if I was going after the country party song audience.

 

3 hours ago, A Musical Key said:

LET ME BE

LET ME BE

LET ME BE

LET ME BE LOVED

That is better - why? (I'm not saying it isn't - just trying to understand :))

 

Thanks all for reading and commenting

Paul

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The heart is struggling. The chest is trying to shield the heart from further distress by singing let me be then shifts to what the universal desire is to let me be... loved. Or on a simpler note, it's a reveal. Sorry about the lack of explanation. Now that I've explained it, I don't know if it makes sense to anyone but me. 

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I scored this one as mid table. Not awful but just didn't really feel terribly interesting. 

 

I could see this being the type of lyric that results when a challenge is set to come up with a lyric about an actual heart. It's quirky and quite clever but doesn't feel like the type of lyric that would be written if one were trying to come up with a song to include on an album

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12 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

My contest entry last month. Finished mid-pack so I know it needs tweaking.

What should the title be? I'm unsure about that .. plus any other advice is welcome :)

 

A Plea from Your Heart

 

Every night
I work here in your chest
While you sleep
I never rest

 

Every day
I beat in perfect time
While you lead
Your busy life

 

(pre-ch 1)
I will always do my best
But I have just one request:

 

(ch)

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me love

 

Every time
You shield me from the world
In your mind
You shelter me from hurt

 

(pre-chorus 2)
But I long for what I miss
And I can't go on like this........I'm just not having an understanding of these lines.  She is sheltering you from hurt so isn't that her way of expressing her love and letting you love?

 

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me feel love

Let me love
Until I've loved enough.........This line is throwing me for a curve.  I must have missed something somewhere.
Let me love
Let me love

 

(br)
There'll come a time this life is dust
So before our chance is lost
Open up!
Open up!

 

Let me love
Let me be loved
Let me love
Let me feel love
Open up
Until I'm loved enough
Let me love
Let me love

 

Open up
Before our chance is lost
Let me love
Let me love

I like the simplicity of this one.  I liked the v's but I did not connect very well with the ch.  I was expecting something different as set up by the first 2 v's.  My read on these v's is that you are working to keep a love not necessarily letting you love. Maybe I'm mistaken but just my read. 

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5 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

TBH the generic "heavy handed and overwrought" isn't that helpful

That's a good point. I should have been specific. In retrospect, and after reading over again a couple of times, this has started to grow on me and maybe I'm beginning to "get it."  I think what I was reacting to was the actual "plea" in the chorus. It struck me as almost too direct, without any subtlety. But that is precisely what you are going for... yes? So I would say that you have taken your idea and created a lyric that successfully communicates what you set out to do.

 

6 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

“Talking Heart Blues” ? - Yeah maybe if I was going after the country party song audience.

I was actually thinking more along the lines of a folk ballad, not a country party song.

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I'm not sure how to Google songs by POV, but I found a couple 

 

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/manfredmannsearthband/helloiamyourheart.html

https://valemmich.bandcamp.com/track/i-am-your-heart

 

Again, I'm not trying to be mean but just to give you an honest representation of my immediate visceral internal reaction. It harkened me back to the kind of poetry kids in highschool often write using that very device, so I'm not sure many commercial songs did it but that may be why. Of course, I could be misremembering and it's one of those things overlooked because it just seems so obvious that it would be shocking if it hadn't been overused. That said, I still think you could use a better angle than "let me love, let me be loved..." cuz that's definitely an obvious and overused sentiment. Idk, it's such an overmined topic, it's tough to suggest anything. The closest I could come to it while trying to think of something for you was "It's hard to blame something - that don't have no IQ - but what the hell was my heart thinking - losing my mind over you?"

which is pretty far off the mark from your idea and not that great either :/ 

 

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9 hours ago, Kerry Parr said:

I'm not sure how to Google songs by POV, but I found a couple 

 

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/manfredmannsearthband/helloiamyourheart.html

https://valemmich.bandcamp.com/track/i-am-your-heart

 

Again, I'm not trying to be mean but just to give you an honest representation of my immediate visceral internal reaction. It harkened me back to the kind of poetry kids in highschool often write using that very device, so I'm not sure many commercial songs did it but that may be why. Of course, I could be misremembering and it's one of those things overlooked because it just seems so obvious that it would be shocking if it hadn't been overused. That said, I still think you could use a better angle than "let me love, let me be loved..." cuz that's definitely an obvious and overused sentiment. Idk, it's such an overmined topic, it's tough to suggest anything. The closest I could come to it while trying to think of something for you was "It's hard to blame something - that don't have no IQ - but what the hell was my heart thinking - losing my mind over you?"

which is pretty far off the mark from your idea and not that great either :/ 

 

Hi kerry

 

OK - I'm glad you came up with only two - and fairly obscure ones at that. That was why I thought this slight twist on POV may have some merit - I couldn't believe so few songs were written from the POV of the heart itself. And if you google "Let Me Love" it hasn't been used much either - usually it's "Let me Love You". I'm busy writing the music now, and it's a big chorus - so hopefully I can deliver the hook so that it comes across less saccharine than the written word. :)

 

Thanks for clarifying!

Paul

 

 

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Hi Paul

As a read lyric, although clever, Iit's a little flat 

I think it would come over tons better

if we heard it sung it would give it the lift and uniqueness it deserves

all the best

Mike

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Hi Paul, 

         Title?  Let me love.

 

     I think there isn’t enough why here.  I long for what I miss. I cant go on like this. Theyll come a time when life is dust. So before our chance is lost. 

       Give us more why.  Give us some profound insight.  Love is all there is. Without love we just exist. Something that shows the heart to be wise. Listen to desperado again. Some of those love somebody before its too late songs. Make this profound, but keep it simple.  Tall order, but you’re always up for a challenge here. 

 

       This has potential.  Excellent idea. What does the heart know that this guy’s brain doesn’t? 

 

 

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2 hours ago, kuya said:

This has potential.  Excellent idea. What does the heart know that this guy’s brain doesn’t? 

I like this direction. "I may not be a brain, but I know some things you don't."

 

And maybe the title is I Know Some Things You Don't.

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