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Barneyboy

You Made Me

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I

You Made Me    

 

The nights were cold

The ground so hard

How much longer would I last

Living under a freeway overpass

 

Then you found me

How I’ll never know

You dropped in like an angel

And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell

 

Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

 I turned out to be today

 

Repeat Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

Fade:

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

You made me who

I turned out to be today

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Alright barneyboy. Personally I thought this was decent enough and definately deserved a higher placing. No real nits as far as the actual writing goes other than there are a lot of these sort of lyrics on this site and this sort of thing doesn't really excite me. Maybe its the lack of originality that affected the scoring.

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Thanks for the review LB76.  I wanted to keep it very simple and very singable.  I didn't want people to put on their cerebral hats to understand the story. 

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Hi Barney,

       I also thought this was very pleasant. It’s certainly simple enough. 2 verses followed by a repeated chorus.  I doubt if anyone had any major objections to what you have, except that we want to know more. maybe another verse showing who, what and where the pov is today, to make me a little more invested in the story.  

       Hope this helps Barney. 

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8 hours ago, Barneyboy said:

Thanks for the review LB76.  I wanted to keep it very simple and very singable.  I didn't want people to put on their cerebral hats to understand the story. 

I get that barneyboy and struggle with it myself.  I also know that like myself your not a musician and just writw lyrics. I actually prefer simpler lyrics that are more song like. Too many lyrics we read on here are all clean, perfect rhyme scheme and structure, good progression, tell the story with a beginning, middle and end but in reality how many songs do we listen to that are actually like that. Not many. Not the kind I listen to anyway. Truth is if your not a musician nd are just putting words down without a voice or music you are up against it and its very hard to get that feel across. We might put down lyrics that sound great in our heads but without the melody or music we've got to go the extra yard to stand out whilst adhereing to the rules

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Hi Barney,

This felt like a half development idea for a song. Some potential there but feels unfinished.

 

I think you need to tell us a bit more about the protagonist and his/her friend. Maybe another couple of verses could help you to do that. Without that info, I think it's hard for the reader/listener to emotionally connect with the story. The 

 

I was also put off by these lines 'You dropped in like an angel / And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell'. I thought they were phrases that are a bit overused, a bit cliched, and maybe you could find a more original way of conveying the same point?

 

My favourite lines were 'How much longer would I last / Living under a freeway overpass'. I'm interested to know what they were doing living under the underpass? How had they got to that position? You've set up a potentially interesting story but then not let the story unfold for the reader

 

Hope that helps

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The title is an action. You made me... what? I would have liked to hear an explanation of how or why she saved him. Just knowing that he felt blessed left me wanting a bit more.

 

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This reads to me like a very generic lyric. Why not make it into a Christian rock song, with a few changes. I think that would give it a greater direction and more depth and would work very well with what you already have.

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Hi Barney,

I believe that this piece is far too vague to have any true meaning. I think that you need to elaborate on the two characters in the piece. Perhaps if you were to explain how the narrator reached the point of the current situation would be a good start. I believe that it would be beneficial if you were to explain how the life of this person turned around rather than merely stating that the narrator was saved. I think that you can make this into something good with a bit of work and another verse.

 

Cheers,

 

Jim

 

The nights were cold

The ground so hard

How much longer would I last

Living under a freeway overpass  -  Okay, you're homeless.

 

Then you found me  -  Who found you?

How I’ll never know

You dropped in like an angel   -   How? From where?

And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell  - Is this a metaphor or do you believe that you were heading toward hell?

 

Ch:

You took me in  -  Where?

When life turned me away  -  Okay, life isn't fair, but it is unclear how this occurred.

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost - Who are the lost? The homeless?

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way  - Which way? Where are you now?

You made me who

 I turned out to be today  -  How did you turn out?

 

Repeat Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

Fade:

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

You made me who

I turned out to be today

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Hi Barney

 

I scored this well because:

 

- it's simple

- it's emotional

- great hook

- it's personal - the POV is singing to someone who means a lot to him.

 

I would be tempted to simplify even more:

 

On ‎2018‎-‎01‎-‎02 at 19:57, Barneyboy said:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me.

 

Regardless, this is very good IMHCO :)

Paul

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On 1/5/2018 at 12:35, PaulCanuck said:

Hi Barney

 

I scored this well because:

 

- it's simple

- it's emotional

- great hook

- it's personal - the POV is singing to someone who means a lot to him.

 

I would be tempted to simplify even more:

 

Regardless, this is very good IMHCO :)

Paul

Thanks for the great review. Thanks to all others who have also commented on my lyric.

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On 1/4/2018 at 16:17, A Musical Key said:

The title is an action. You made me... what? I would have liked to hear an explanation of how or why she saved him. Just knowing that he felt blessed left me wanting a bit more.

 

Who, how and why might be putting too much into the lyric and become too telling.  We know he was going through a very rough time in his life then someone, maybe a friend, a complete stranger or even a spiritual figure came to him.  I'll leave that up to the listener. 

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It grabbed my interest early part of lyric

but there wasnt enough info towards the end i felt it could have told us more

All the best 

Mike

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Good start here and a really excellent first verse.

 

Think it's crying out for more story development in verse 2 and possibly needs a break to separate the two chorus.

 

The chorus lacks punch/focus for me which you'd probably find if you could bring that second verse up to the standard of the 1st verse with more story development 'meat' for the reader/listener to take on-board.

 

Just my take - it's got loads of potential.

 

Andy

 

You Made Me    

 

The nights were cold

The ground so hard

How much longer would I last   "would" => "could"?

Living under a freeway overpass

 

Great first verse here the scene is very well set up and we can all picture the situation.

 

Then you found me

How I’ll never know

You dropped in like an angel

And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell 

"grabbed" seems like it should have been "saved" here to me. Maybe "grabbed" would work if the line was something like "and grabbed me before falling hallway to hell"?

 

The last line of V2 good. The 1st three lines seem to me like a rather 'easy' way out of adding some 'meat' to the story.

How was he found? - seems like there could only be two possibilities if he/she was living under an underpass - either another homeless soul found him (would make a very interesting story line) or maybe someone from the soup kitchen took him in. Both good ways of developing the story line in a believable way it seems to me.

 

Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

If there was more story line developed in V2 then the chorus would have more options to break away from being so general (the main culprits are L2 and L6 of the chorus). 

 

Repeat Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

Fade:

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

The repeated chorus is an easy way of extending the song length with out actually adding anything new. Think it really needs a break between the two chorus.

 

You made me who

I turned out to be today

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I'll start by saying that I was this pov more than once. 

I dreamed that someone would come and take me in. 

The first time, a lady working at my Whataburger hang out did take me in because she needed someone to paint her house. 

I really was left wanting to hear more about this pov as others here have said. 

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On 1/14/2018 at 11:41, Amerigo said:

I'll start by saying that I was this pov more than once. 

I dreamed that someone would come and take me in. 

The first time, a lady working at my Whataburger hang out did take me in because she needed someone to paint her house. 

I really was left wanting to hear more about this pov as others here have said. 

Why do you want more?  You say you relate to the pov and someone took you in.  The song spoke to you and that is what is important.

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On 1/11/2018 at 01:11, AndyLeF said:

Good start here and a really excellent first verse.

 

Think it's crying out for more story development in verse 2 and possibly needs a break to separate the two chorus.

 

The chorus lacks punch/focus for me which you'd probably find if you could bring that second verse up to the standard of the 1st verse with more story development 'meat' for the reader/listener to take on-board.

 

Just my take - it's got loads of potential.

 

Andy

 

You Made Me    

 

The nights were cold

The ground so hard

How much longer would I last   "would" => "could"?

Living under a freeway overpass

 

Great first verse here the scene is very well set up and we can all picture the situation.

 

Then you found me

How I’ll never know

You dropped in like an angel

And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell 

"grabbed" seems like it should have been "saved" here to me. Maybe "grabbed" would work if the line was something like "and grabbed me before falling hallway to hell"?

 

The last line of V2 good. The 1st three lines seem to me like a rather 'easy' way out of adding some 'meat' to the story.

How was he found? - seems like there could only be two possibilities if he/she was living under an underpass - either another homeless soul found him (would make a very interesting story line) or maybe someone from the soup kitchen took him in. Both good ways of developing the story line in a believable way it seems to me.

 

Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

If there was more story line developed in V2 then the chorus would have more options to break away from being so general (the main culprits are L2 and L6 of the chorus). 

 

Repeat Ch:

You took me in

When life turned me away

You gave me hope

And saved me from the lost

I am blessed

Cause I have found my way

You made me who

I turned out to be today

Fade:

You made me who

I turned out to be today

 

The repeated chorus is an easy way of extending the song length with out actually adding anything new. Think it really needs a break between the two chorus.

 

You made me who

I turned out to be today

Got to leave it to your imagination as to who and how he was found. Admittedly, this is a ch driven song.

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