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You Win

FrankeeLee Fabian ©2017

 

My self-worth is worthless

The damage intact

There’s no hope or recourse

That’s just a fact

The pieces are scattered

Like crumbs on a floor

I don’t have the strength

To go on anymore

 

You’re like a river

I’m in the deep end

Drowning and dripping

Soaked with revenge

I’d love to get even

And settle the score

But my lungs aren’t working

I can’t breathe anymore

 

Chorus

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in

So you, you, you

You win

 

Fooled by a promise

Drunk on a dream

You played me so well

It’s f#$king obscene

I’m feeling all empty

Embarrassed and shamed

Will I ever wash out

These emotional stains

 

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in

So you, you, you

You win

 

Bridge

I’m not looking back

I’ll never look back

I’m not looking back

No, I’ll never look back

 

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in

So you, you, you

You win

 

 

 

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Wow, That was powerful Frankee. I love it.  When do we hear the music?  

 

Cheers

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Thank you so much! That's very encouraging coming from you! I'm really happy you liked it!

I have music "in my head" for this but I may put it out for a collaborator for some other musical ideas.

Thank you, again.

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yea, I like this. One small nit ... although I am being a hyprocrite, since I don't do it  my most recent post ... is I'd like to know something about 'her' (or whomever) the song is about, since you are so critical of that person. I really seems to be all about YOU.

 

What did (s)he do to invoke such strong feelings?

 

In my song it really is some guy just talking to some girl/other ... but yours seems more about blame ... so who are you blaming an why? ... Eg. " Fooled by a promise " ... what was that promise?

 

But, I LOVE the raw emotion in this! Very nice (well, maybe 'nice' is not quite the right word? :D)

 

dave

 

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Thank you, Dave, for your comments. I guess the short answer to your question

 

What did (s)he do to invoke such strong feelings?

 

is that she/me got involved with a douchebag and discovered the truth too late. A relationship shouldn't be a winner take all contest but it seems that sometimes that is precisely how it plays out. Yes, it's "raw."

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Hi FrankeeLee,

Pretty powerful lyric and a really strong chorus that delivers. Particular like the repeated "you" in the chorus.

On 1/2/2018 at 17:12, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

Will I ever wash out

These emotional stains

Wonderful lines!

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This is a really top-notch lyric with some diamond lines like the one Gary cites. It packs a wallop and has great flow.

 

The only few words I'm not thrilled with as a reader are "to carve in" -- that sounds strange to me, forced so that it rhymes with win. Minor issue and others will undoubtedly disagree with me because I'm too much of a nitpicker.

 

Looking forward to hearing this set to music, FrankeeLee!

 

--Doug

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Hi FrankeeLee,

Very Good!!

 

The only nit that I have is the river line. Rivers don't have a deep end. Maybe a pool.

 

Cheers

 

Jim

On 1/2/2018 at 17:12, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

You’re like a river

I’m in the deep end

You're like a river

I'm in deep by the bend

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On 1/2/2018 at 14:12, FrankeeLeeFabian said:

You Win

FrankeeLee Fabian ©2017

 

My self-worth is worthless

The damage intact

There’s no hope or recourse

That’s just a fact

The pieces are scattered

Like crumbs on a floor

I don’t have the strength

To go on anymore

 

You’re like a river...............Why the change from my to you? 

I’m in the deep end........Now back to I again. I don't get the connection of her being like a river and you in the deep end.  Which end?  Do you mean deep "part?"

Drowning and dripping.......I'd use a different word to go with drowning maybe gasping?

Soaked with revenge

I’d love to get even.....I'm really starting to get lost.  Your life is a mess in v1 but here you want to get revenge?  The story is starting to slip away I'm afraid. 

And settle the score

But my lungs aren’t working

I can’t breathe anymore

 

Chorus

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in........I would leave off "in" unless it defines where the carve might be. 

So you, you, you

You win.......This is actually a very nice ch. 

 

Fooled by a promise

Drunk on a dream

You played me so well

It’s f#$king obscene

I’m feeling all empty

Embarrassed and shamed

Will I ever wash out

These emotional stains.............This might be better as v2.  Your ch already tells us you quit.  Why are you again venting? 

 

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in

So you, you, you

You win

 

Bridge

I’m not looking back

I’ll never look back

I’m not looking back

No, I’ll never look back.........Too many repeating "backs."  I think just the first 2 lines of this br is fine. 

 

So you win

I call it quits

Yes, you win

I’m finished with this

The sparring, the scarring

The lying, the crying

You’ve got one more notch

To carve in

So you, you, you

You win

 

 

 

Had a problem with the order of your story.  The ch was exceptional but the build up to it and the following thoughts, not so much.  I really didn't think you needed the br as you said it all in the ch.

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On 1/5/2018 at 11:19, GaryHale said:

Pretty powerful lyric and a really strong chorus that delivers

Gary, thank you for your comments.

 

On 1/5/2018 at 11:42, lyriCAL said:

This is a really top-notch lyric with some diamond lines

lyriCal, Thank you very much. I think "carve in" works well when the lyric is sung. At least when I sing it. Will revisit.

 

On 1/5/2018 at 18:31, James L Kleinheksel said:

The only nit that I have is the river line. Rivers don't have a deep end

James, I think it's called taking creative license. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment.

 

On 1/5/2018 at 20:31, Barneyboy said:

Now back to I again. I don't get the connection of her being like a river and you in the deep end.

Barneyboy, you're reading this wrong. I'm the "her" and he's the river I'm drowning in. I thought the progression of the lyric flowed well and was logical. Thank you for your suggestions and your comments.

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