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Anna J

Illusion

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Verse 1

Cold like the sun
Warm like the rain
Heaven and earth
Fighting within
Gentle as ice
Sharp as the breeze
Silent intuition

Stay out of reach
 

Pre-chorus

Whispers whispering
Colours darkening
Blinding deafening
Reality
 

Chorus

(Stay away)
He's a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Timeless in time
Tireless in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth

 

Verse 2

Smooth as the waves
Swift as the wind
Sweeping on over
Cloaking me in
Eyes set to steal
Words set to hide

Inching in closer
Too close to breathe  

 

Pre-chorus

Whispers whispering
Colours brightening
Blinding deafening
Dreams
 

Chorus 

(I don't believe)
He's a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Timeless in time
Tireless in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth

(But)
He is a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Fleeting in time
Slowing in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth

 

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Hi Anna, I really liked how this one started (verse 1 and the prechorus), but the chorus lost me, I think in part because it doesn't have a solid hook and in part because there is no rhyme scheme.  IN verse 2 I got lost more, because the final 4 lines didn't carry through the rhyme (xBxB) that verse 1 had.

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3 hours ago, Anna J said:

Verse 1

Cold like the sun
Warm like the rain
Heaven and earth
Fighting within..........I think I am good up to here with the conflicts of earth and heaven.  
Gentle as ice
Sharp as the breeze
Silent intuition
Down on my knees..........What does getting down on your knees have to do with the rest of this v?
 

Pre-chorus

Whispers whispering
Colours darkening..........Do you mean colors coloring?
Blinding deafening
Reality
 

Chorus

(Stay away)
He's a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Timeless in time
Tireless in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth.....................Now, I am completely lost.

 

Verse 2

Smooth like the waves
Swift as the wind
Sweeping right over
Focusing in
Eyes like a thief
Words like a knife
Inching in closer
Hunting for me

Pre-chorus

Whispers whispering
Colours brightening
Blinding deafening
Dreams
 

Chorus 

(I don't believe)
He's a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Timeless in time
Tireless in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth

(But)
He is a hopeless hope
Just a loveless love
A beautiful face
Carved from dust
Fleeting in time
Slowing in stride
Just a tragical happiness
Unattained myth

 

I must confess I have no idea what is going on. Perhaps this might fit better in the Artists Cafe forum.

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what I read is an interior dialogue about both the attraction to and dangers of a particular lover. i get a conversation with yourself, both a warning and an intoxication about a specific person. I'm thinking that illusion = unattainable myth, is that your meaning?

 

if you could specify the type of music or current artist you might envision singing this it would help me to create a fuller picture and assist in the reading.

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Interesting write, Anna.  The perspective sounds very concrete in her thinking despite the flowery use of language. She knows  intellectually/rationally this guy is no good for her, but despite that there appears to also be a conflict between one side in her and another that emotionally is somewhat hopeful believing there still might be something to this guy that's good for her (at least at one point in the 2nd chorus.)  She also sounds angry at this love interest and somewhat torn regarding her feelings.  That's my reaction and interpretation of what you wrote but there clearly are no illusions here with regards to the perspective and her love interest.   Perhaps "Unattainable Myth"  or just.............. " Myth" would be better suited as the title.  

Edited by spanishbuddha
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  Hi Anna, 

           I like this and appreciate that this sort of write is a challenge, at least it would be for me. i don’t have any great changes to suggest. I’ll be curious to see what others suggest. Maybe the chorus could have lengthier lines to contrast with the short staccato- like verse lines?   There’s a few “... like a ...”  and  “... as a ...”lines that might lend themselves to revision.  His eyes are thieves. His words are knives. 

            Illusions is an interesting title. I was thinking of elusions too, because the pov seems to want to get away. 

            

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spanishbuddha - thnx. You pretty much got the theme of the song.

GaryHale - I don't really have a specific singer in mind....but I picture it to be a slow pop song. I thought it could have a low sultry beginning and then intensify towards the middle.

kuya - you're absolutely right. I HAVE tried to fix it up a little and hopefully it's a tad bit better now......

Mike B - I realize the chorus seems a bit haphazard and repetitive in terms of rhythm structure. I was wondering if you could give me any suggestions as to how I could improve that......

Otherwise I am brainstorming and hopefully I can tweak it in a better fashion. Thnx for your output though. Really appreciate it!

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This is one of those songs that could be terrific with a great melody.  Anything to plodding or slow would kill it.  I would have liked a rhyme or two to support the structure (but I'm a rhyme slut so ...grain of salt).  Some nice word choices, though.  

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3 hours ago, Anna J said:

Mike B - I realize the chorus seems a bit haphazard and repetitive in terms of rhythm structure. I was wondering if you could give me any suggestions as to how I could improve that......

Otherwise I am brainstorming and hopefully I can tweak it in a better fashion. Thnx for your output though. Really appreciate it!

 

First, I think you've got to come up with a hook - maybe 'He's an illusion', or something to tie it to your title.  As your verses are all short lines, perhaps loner lines in the chorus would help define it better. (as well as rhymes)

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