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Hey everybody,

could use some help finishing up this piece that’s got me stumped. Any critiques are helpful!

contains swear words

 

UNGRATEFUL:

 

Maybe it’s okay if you’re unhappy

Maybe it’s okay if you’re in pain

I can’t believe what you’re saying to me

It’s like wires are crossed in your brain

 

I never would’ve thought 

That you feel like you deserve

Everything I brought as yours

Like you rule my world

Never been so confused

Question my own sanity

The way you twist my words

And hold them against me

 

You don’t own me

 

It’s funny how you think that you’re entitled

And gain leverage by using your child

Sunken so low like a bottom feeder 

Hateful disgraceful you are ungrateful

 

Remembering to breathe so I don’t lose my temper

Your reasoning is fucked and I know better

I won’t waste my time on a never ending loss

The end wasn’t worth the cost

 

My investment will not be returned

All in all it’s just another bridge burned

 

It’s funny how you think that you’re entitled

And gain leverage by using your child

Sunken so low like a bottom feeder 

Hateful disgraceful you are ungrateful

 

You are ungrateful

 

Time I will never get back

Trying to reason with a lunatic

Your heart is barely beating

You have no future your life has no meaning

 

It’s funny how you think that you’re entitled

And gain leverage by using your child

Sunken so low like a bottom feeder 

Hateful disgraceful you are ungrateful

 

It’s funny how you think that you’re entitled

And gain leverage by using your child

Sunken so low like a bottom feeder 

Hateful disgraceful you are ungrateful

 

Look at me now

I’m better than ever

Look at you now

Your free ride is severed

Look at me now 

My lifeblood is flowing

Look at you now

Your real self is showing

Look at me now

Look at you now

Look at me now

Look at you so fucking ungrateful

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It would really help this reader if you labeled each section as you intended each to be.  ......... A verse, a chorus, etc. 

 

Perspective comes off as angry, bitter and unhappy (not a problem).  "Look at me now" section, a bridge? I'm not sure if it is but it doesn't really cut it for me.  Why even say this when it only reinforces to me that the point of view isn't free of this person emotionally. After saying of course.....Look at me, I'm better than ever.

Why is the love interest ungrateful?  Why is it that the perspective sings about love interest in this way when saying  (line - "I can't believe what you're saying to me") What is said to him?  Why does that seem to set off the point of view in the write?  

 

Bits and pieces about love interest are revealed and left to audience imagination as to what has happened. I quite frankly think the point of view is the one coming off as ungrateful at present without understanding why the perspective is the way it is.  Especially after reading "look at me now".  "I'm better than ever".  

 

Lots you can do to improve this (if looking to) but these were the initial thoughts that came to mind and struck me about the write. 

 

Definitely get a metal vibe on this one. Perhaps repeating or chanting the hook in some way will make it stronger.

 

As always use or lose my remarks but these were my thoughts. 

Edited by spanishbuddha

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