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**** revision

 

This is for a young woman to sing - about being really on her own for the first time.  It's inspired by a favorite neice of mine just stumbling into life.  

 

 

 

Baby Bird  V2

 

 

a

I can’t feel a thing but the ache in my head,

My hair is all dirty and my eyes are all red.

By the skin of my teeth I somehow get by.

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

 

a

I’d be running on empty but I can’t find the keys.

I’d be down on my face with the slightest of breeze.

My friends become fewer and I guess I know why,

I'm just like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

 

b

I will soar the rooftops,

And I won’t fool around.

I will be what I’m supposed to be,

Soon as I get off the ground.

 

a

They say that your angels come in distress,

The secret is all in the asking, I guess,

I open my wings and flap at the sky,

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

 

a

I'll pull out a blanket and turn down the light,

and to the whole world I will bid one goodnight,

Maybe tomorrow I'll give one more try,

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

 

___________________________________________

old version below

 

a

I can’t feel a thing except the ache in my head,

My hair is a mess and my eyes are all red.

By the skin of my teeth; is how I get by.

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

a

I’d be running on empty but I can’t find the keys.

I’d be down on my face with the slightest of breeze.

My friends don’t call me and I guess I know why.

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

b

I will soar the rooftops,

And I won’t fool around.

I will be what I’m supposed to be,

Soon as I get off the ground.

 

a

They say that your angles come in distress,

I’m sure it’s all in the asking, I guess,

I open my wings and flap at the sky,

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

a

Pull out a blanket and turn down the light,

If you don’t mind I’ll bid you goodnight,

I’ll see you tomorrow to give one more try,

I’m just a baby bird trying to fly.

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Hi, BigHappyJack,

 

just some comments after a first read.  I feel like I’m missing some big clue to pull this whole thing together.

24 minutes ago, BigHappyJack said:

This is for a young girl to sing.  It's inspired by a favorite neice of mine just starting out in life.  

 

I had an older version of this posted a while back.  

 

Baby Bird

 

a

I can’t feel a thing except the ache in my head,  

My hair is a mess and my eyes are all red.  First two lines sound like she’s hung over, OK. Young girl, that could make sense.

By the skin of my teeth; is how I get by.   This doesn’t fit right with a hangover?

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly. How about “I’m a baby bird trying to fly,” since she just told us she can’t feel a thing.

 

a

I’d be running on empty but I can’t find the keys.               Fun line!

I’d be down on my face with the slightest of breeze.  😀

My friends don’t call me and I guess I know why.       Why? Because she drank too much?

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

b

I will soar the rooftops,

And I won’t fool around.

I will be what I’m supposed to be,

Soon as I get off the ground.              Love this last line!

 

a

They say that your angles come in distress,     Angles? Do you mean angels? Your strength, maybe, but your angles?

I’m sure it’s all in the asking, I guess,    You’re sure, you guess? The asking part confuses me without knowing what the “angles” line means.

I open my wings and flap at the sky,

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

a

Pull out a blanket and turn down the light,

If you don’t mind I’ll bid you goodnight,

I’ll see you tomorrow to give one more try,

I’m just a baby bird trying to fly.

'

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BHJ,

For some reason, the rhythm of this makes me think of "I Can't Make You Love Me" but the lyrics, obviously are totally different. I agree with Patty's comments 100 percent, the complimentary and the questioning comments.

 

How young is young here? By just starting out in life, is she at university? Or working her first full-time job?

 

It does sound like she's hung over in the first couple lines, which would imply she'd been out drinking the night before. Then, next verse, her friends don't call her -- so who was she out drinking with?

 

I can already hear Paul and Mike commenting on the third line of the first verse -- Yoda speak!

 

Then at the very end, you introduce "you" -- the person to whom this song is addressed, I suppose. But it's unclear who the singer is addressing though that person apparently can pull out a blanket and turn out the light for the singer. A parent?

 

I think this could be clearer.

 

--Doug

 

 

 

 

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Although I can’t picture what the age and story of the person singing this is, I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme and flow of the lyrics

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On 12/6/2017 at 20:51, BigHappyJack said:

**** revision

 

This is for a young woman to sing - about being really on her own for the first time.  It's inspired by a favorite neice of mine just stumbling into life.  

 

 

 

Baby Bird  V2

 

 

a

I can’t feel a thing but the ache in my head,

My hair is all dirty and my eyes are all red.

By the skin of my teeth I somehow get by.

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

 

<< I like this open in that it really gives the impression of a young girl just on her own. Part party life, part survival. >>

 

a

I’d be running on empty but I can’t find the keys.

<< Running on empty but can't find the keys? Do you mean "and" can't find the keys? Not important, maybe, but it seems "finding the keys" is either not important because a.) you're running on empty or b.) you're already running. >>

I’d be down on my face with the slightest of breeze.

<< Good image. >>

My friends become fewer and I guess I know why,

<< Friends are leaving her because she's trying to learn how to fly? Is she behaving badly at this juncture? >>

I'm just like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

 

b

I will soar the rooftops,

And I won’t fool around.

I will be what I’m supposed to be,

Soon as I get off the ground.

<< Heh, I like that turn.. as in, "I'm gonna be great, life's gonna be great! At least once I figure out..." >>

 

a

They say that your angels come in distress,

The secret is all in the asking, I guess,

I open my wings and flap at the sky,

I feel like a baby bird trying to fly.

 

 

a

I'll pull out a blanket and turn down the light,

and to the whole world I will bid one goodnight,

Maybe tomorrow I'll give one more try,

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

I am a baby bird trying to fly.

<< I like this passage. The problem still exists, sure, but it's hopeful. And furthermore, we know that at least she can get a break from the stresses of trying to figure out life. >>

 

<<All in all, I think these are good lyrics. You have a simple, relatable story that comes with a problem, but is really full of hope and beginnings. Nice work. >>

 

 

 

 

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Hi BHJ

 

I like the concept and the metaphor.

Three things stood out as nits for me:

 

1. The mention of hair and teeth in the first verse, neither of which birds have, conflicted with your metaphor/hook.

2. Likewise the mention of "keys" didn't support the metaphor and contrasted with the imagery

3. The switch to a simile in "I feel like a baby bird" detracts from the sentiment "I am a baby bird" - I would stick with the metaphor.

 

None of this might matter to you, but that's what I felt.

 

Paul

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Hi big happy jack, 

        This flows nice until you get to the bird lines. I stumble over those. My suggestion is 

 

even a bird has to learn how to fly

 

i should add that i think this is pretty nice with potential for superbness. 

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