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Nicoladee

Use The Ends/Wish I Wished

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You and I have known each other
For what feels like fo-orever
At eighteen six years is a long time
I know your ins and outs
Been there for your ups and downs
But I know you well enough to know you couldn’t say the same

 

You were young and I was younger
Saw it through both winter and summer
I keep saying it's okay
Because you didn’t know better
But that doesn’t take the hurt away
That sits in me every day
I wish I wished you well
But I hope you burn in hell

 

Tell me, is this where you get off
Hurting those who love you
Force feeding your words into me
Stealing my autonomy
I lived my life in monotony
While you made me tell you lies
I told you I was fine
Dried your tears even though you never cared for mine

 

I was strong but all your hunger
Ate that strength and made nights longer
I keep saying it’s okay
Because you didn’t know better
But that doesn’t take the hurt away
That sits in me every day
I wish I wished you well
But I hope you burn in hell

 

You did this
Three times
To three people
For what reasons
“Oh, I’m so scared to be alone”
Shut up, you soul-sucking lazy bitch

 

The thing about all of this
The kicker and the sucker punch
Isn’t that you bled me dry
Hung me out up on the line
It’s that I could’ve forgiven you

If you’d only learnt from this
Use the ends to justify just how mean you were to me
But you pull the same bullshit
Pattern after pattern after pattern and I am done with it
I can't care about you anymore

 

I’ve been wrong but you are wronger
I’ve grown up and grown softer
I’ve stopped saying it's okay
Because you didn’t know better
Nothing will take the hurt away
But I’ll keep living every day
So you have fun in hell
So you have fun in hell
So you have fun in your self-made hell
I’ll be wishing myself well

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I thought it was a love song until you told her to burn in hell.  I think you have something to say (and that's always the hardest part) but you're kind of all over the map.  You got way too specific in places - remember that we have to understand too.  Everything needs to boil down and thicken.  Keep polishing this one.  You could be onto something.

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Hi Nicoladee,

Normally I like a long song but I feel the verses are just too long. Maybe a little trim ? Message is loud and clear, I also thought it was a love song but it has a nice twist to it.

Potential.

Dan   

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Hi there, 

         And welcome to the forums. It’s pretty clear you have some talent for turning a phrase. There’s some nice lines in here and some of these lines just roll off the tongue with unmistakable rhythm. I’ve been wrong but you are wronger.

         6, 8, 8, 8, 6, 10,10 those are your line counts. If i had to label things I’d say intro, 3 pattern A verses, bridge, 2 pattern B verses. Is that how you see it? 

       There seems to be some repeating patterns but how do you fit a repeating melody over things when the line counts vary so much? What do you see as your hook here?  Can you sing this as is? 

          I think this has great potential, but i think you also have to think about the structure and patterns that lend (or don’t lend) themselves to music. For practice, I’d say trim it to conform to a more recognizable song structure. See if you like it more.    I would also suggest tinkering with  either a chorus or a refrain. I think you’re better off doing so. See what works. Looking forward to your next edit.  

         

          

           

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