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Dani

It ain’t my song written

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Hi Dani

 

I really like it - it flows wonderfully :)

The title is wrong though - should be "Fight" or "Fight for Life" IMHO.

The chorus is super catchy and not preachy for some unknown reason.

I would have said "Happily where I belong" just to get the assonance in "ly" and "long" :)

 

Damn good for a first post IMHO. More please!

Paul

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39 minutes ago, Dani said:

It ain’t my song written by Dani

 

Everyone says you have to fight but is it really really right?
Some of them lie to make me happy, can’t say anything, anything 
I have to be strong so strong as the fight is long....so long

 

Fight fight fight for Life 
Fight is over, my Power is gone and I’m now happy where I belong. .......It is a very drastic move from fighting for life in one line and the fight is over in the next.  I would suggest extending the fight in the ch until you can fight no more in a br or a final ch.  You give away the battle lost too early and so it is not realistic for you to continue the battle from this point on. 

 

Weak I feel, weak I look, weakness is something I now can’t hide, sucks the life out with every stride.
My fight is over no more pain, I’m happy to be on my last train.  .........Something like: I'm hopping on that last train - may work better. 

 

Fight fight fight for life 
The fight is over, my power is gone and I’m now happy where I belong.

 

No one hears my silent scream, of wanting to leave the current regime..........Don't bring in "No one" keep it personal.  This line reads like a forced rhyme - scream/regime.  Maybe rework it.
My body is weak, my mind is strong, I’m on my way where I belong. ...........I don't get this analogy of a weak body but strong mind and on your way.........

 

Fight Fight Fight for Life 
My fight is over, my power has gone and I’m now happy where I belong.

 

All my loved ones don’t be sad, please forgive me and live your dreams, I know you will whatever it means.  I would leave off this last part" "i know you will whatever it means."  It doesn't make sense. 
In my mind I’m good and well but have to say bye as I hear the ring of my bell.  ..........Not a good metaphor cause the ringing of the bell also means the start of the round.

 

Fight fight fight for life
My fight is over, my power is gone and I’m now happy where I belong.

 

Well guys I like some feedback that’s the first time I publish here  so I’m excited to hear all feedback thank you 

First, it would be nice if you would label your lyric ie. verse, chorus etc.  Some of your lines are very long maybe they can be broken down into shorter phrases.  Your song is titled It' aint' my song but does not appear anywhere in the body of this song. I've also added some line by line comments.

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only one suggestion for you to consider===no one wants to hear me scream....IMO more powerful as you mention the regime==they are ignoring you despite your fight

 

Otherwise pretty good...

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Hi Dani, just a few comments on structure/lyrical rhythm - do you play an instrument, or only compose lyrics?  I ask because some lines are short or long compared to others in other verses, which can make it hard to put music to, for example:

 

In my mind I’m good and well but have to say bye as I hear the ring of my bell.  This is 7 syllables in the first half (to 'well') and 13 syllables in the 2nd half.  Compare this to My fight is over no more pain, I’m happy to be on my last train which is 11 syllables in the first half (to 'pain') and 9 in the 2nd half.

 

The first verse has an extra line (line 2) with no internal rhyme in it.

 

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Hi Dani, 

        For a title it could be “ (your loved one’s name)’s Song” .  It’s hard to critique something as personal and poignant as this. Mike’s comments about structure are a good place to start, but this lyric may not lend itself to a typical structure.  Other helpful comments don’t need my repeating.

         Looking forward to seeing more from you and welcome to these forums. Really happy to see your posts. 

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