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SongWolfe

Funeral of a war hero

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Have worked on a metal song with some talented people recently so thought I'd have a go at writing another lyric that would fit with that genre.

 

I had System of a Down in mind in terms of style - with a mixture of gentle and loud bits.

 

Structure-wise, I think it's basically AABA but with an intro and outro tagged on. Verse 3 is a repeat of Verse 2 although might change that if get inspiration for a new 3rd verse

 

Any comments / suggestions?

 

Funeral of a war hero

(Intro - acoustic)
This is the funeral
of a war hero
We got his body back
And we do what we know,
We lower his coffin down
Draped with the flag
Hold onto more of him
Than's in this body-bag.

(Verse 1)
WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good
In the searing writhing pain!

(Verse 2)

HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies
Molten lead that falls like rain!

(guitar lead)

(Bridge)
Love hurts more than hate
It squeezes our hearts
And teases bloody tears from our eyes.
Love hurts every day
It crushes our ribs
And pierces shoddy veils of lies.

 

(Verse 3)

HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies
Molten lead that falls like rain!

(Outro)
Funeral of a war hero
Who just wished to stay at home
Funeral of a war hero
Remember him playing games.
Died a long way from those he'd known
Just trying to save the day
Funeral of our war hero
Gone but not forgotten in his grave.


 

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On 11/11/2017 at 00:10, SongWolfe said:

Have worked on a metal song with some talented people recently so thought I'd have a go at writing another lyric that would fit with that genre.

 

I had System of a Down in mind in terms of style - with a mixture of gentle and loud bits.

 

Structure-wise, I think it's basically AABA but with an intro and outro tagged on. Verse 3 is a repeat of Verse 2 although might change that if get inspiration for a new 3rd verse

 

Any comments / suggestions?

 

Funeral of a war hero

(Intro - acoustic)
This is the funeral
of a war hero
We got his body back
And we do what we know,
We lower his coffin down
Draped with the flag..........Never.  The flag is never buried with the coffin - it is given to a loved one. 
Hold onto more of him
Than's in this body-bag.

(Verse 1)
WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good
In the searing writhing pain!

(Verse 2)

HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies
Molten lead that falls like rain!

(guitar lead)

(Bridge)
Love hurts more than hate
It squeezes our hearts
And teases bloody tears from our eyes.
Love hurts every day
It crushes our ribs
And pierces shoddy veils of lies.

 

(Verse 3)

HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies
Molten lead that falls like rain!

(Outro)
Funeral of a war hero
Who just wished to stay at home
Funeral of a war hero
Remember him playing games.
Died a long way from those he'd known
Just trying to save the day
Funeral of our war hero
Gone but not forgotten in his grave.


 

Can't really feel a metal sound for a war hero funeral.  Man this is not a war hero funeral it sounds like a protest song. Very misleading title. 

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So I'm listening to System Of A Down, two tracks: Toxicity and Hypnotize. I think you have a good handle on the style. They are definitely metal but many of their songs start out quiet sometimes acoustic or have interludes that are quiet and mellow. Those guys are from my old neighborhood. As far as burying with the flag:

 

There is a tradition to bury a war veteran with a small flag or should it be requested, it is proper for a veteran to be buried with his or her body wrapped in the flag. But I don't see the casket being dropped down with the flag still draped over it.

 

Enjoyed the read!

=Bob=

 

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I like this - sounds metal to me :)

I was expecting it to be disrespectful of war heroes, so I was pleasantly surprised that it is anything but.

My only nit is the chorus - I don't agree that "Love hurts more than hate" so you lost me there.

Maybe something like this would work:

 

On ‎2017‎-‎11‎-‎10 at 19:10, SongWolfe said:

Nothing hurts more than hate
It squeezes our hearts
And teases bloody tears from our eyes.

Hatred hurts every day
It crushes our ribs
And pierces shoddy veils of lies.

 

Looking 4ward to hearing the song, wolfe :)

Paul

 

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Hi SongWolfe, I think that Barneyboy, Bob and Paul have made good points. One tiny nit. Other than that I believe that you have something very good here.                                                      Cheers,    Jim

 

 

WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good
In the searing writhing pain!  -    Replace it with horrific pain   -   Writhe is a verb, which I don't think works here. This would mean,  the act of extinguishing                                                                                                              contained searing writhing pain. It's possible that it may work the way that the line is constructed,                                                                                                   but it doesn't sound right to me. IMHO

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22 hours ago, Barneyboy said:

Can't really feel a metal sound for a war hero funeral.  Man this is not a war hero funeral it sounds like a protest song. Very misleading title. 

Thanks for the flag correction. I'll have a look at reworking that part.

 

You're right that it's a protest song. No reason why metal can't do protest though

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7 hours ago, =Bob= said:

So I'm listening to System Of A Down, two tracks: Toxicity and Hypnotize. I think you have a good handle on the style. They are definitely metal but many of their songs start out quiet sometimes acoustic or have interludes that are quiet and mellow. Those guys are from my old neighborhood. As far as burying with the flag:

 

There is a tradition to bury a war veteran with a small flag or should it be requested, it is proper for a veteran to be buried with his or her body wrapped in the flag. But I don't see the casket being dropped down with the flag still draped over it.

 

Enjoyed the read!

=Bob=

 

Thanks Bob.

Yes, SOAD make a speciality of that movement between mellow and heavy. Holy Mountains is the track of theirs that came to my mind for me with this one

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7 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

I like this - sounds metal to me :)

I was expecting it to be disrespectful of war heroes, so I was pleasantly surprised that it is anything but.

My only nit is the chorus - I don't agree that "Love hurts more than hate" so you lost me there.

Maybe something like this would work:

 

 

Looking 4ward to hearing the song, wolfe :)

Paul

 

Thanks Paul.

I think the point I was making with that line is that if you don't have that depth of love you don't open yourself up so much to the depth of pain that then comes along when loved ones die.

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5 hours ago, James L Kleinheksel said:

Hi SongWolfe, I think that Barneyboy, Bob and Paul have made good points. One tiny nit. Other than that I believe that you have something very good here.                                                      Cheers,    Jim

 

 

WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good
In the searing writhing pain!  -    Replace it with horrific pain   -   Writhe is a verb, which I don't think works here. This would mean,  the act of extinguishing                                                                                                              contained searing writhing pain. It's possible that it may work the way that the line is constructed,                                                                                                   but it doesn't sound right to me. IMHO

Thanks. Appreciate that feedback and will have a think about that line.

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Body bags are used to store and transport a corpse.  This is a funeral back home, and the corpse is in a coffin being buried.  There is no body bag at this point.

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1 hour ago, HoboSage said:

Body bags are used to store and transport a corpse.  This is a funeral back home, and the corpse is in a coffin being buried.  There is no body bag at this point.

But if the body is wrapped in the flag, which is an appropriate method, then the flag is a body bag, eh? A little tweak could make it work.

=Bob=

 

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Hi big bad

Great song here,though I agree with a lot of the other comments,

A good protest metal lyric, why not indeed

all the best

Mike

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10 hours ago, =Bob= said:

But if the body is wrapped in the flag, which is an appropriate method, then the flag is a body bag, eh? A little tweak could make it work.

=Bob=

 

 

As noted above, even though it's called the "burial flag," it is not typical to actually bury the flag, whether with the coffin or with the body.  The flag is typically treated with respect.  The flag drapes the soldier's coffin and is removed before the coffin is lowered into the ground, it's appropriately folded and then it's presented to the family as a keepsake. That's the typical procedure.   As is, the burying of the flag and the improper reference to a body bag being used at the funeral comes across to me as a lyric which is misinformed regarding a typical military funeral.  Just my opinion.  However, given this is an anti-war song, I do think the lyric can probably be tweaked so that it somehow equates or correlates the burial flag given to the family with the body bag used previously - maybe an expression that upon being given the flag at the funeral it feels like being given a red, white and blue body bag - something like that.

 

P.S.  All of what I said assumes an American soldier.  

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Trivia:

 

According to: http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/images/hgguide.pdf

 

Some interesting trivia pertaining to flags and burials is that it is not improper to bury a war veteran with a small flag or should it be requested, it is proper for a veteran to be buried with his body wrapped in the flag.

 

Andrew Johnson was buried wrapped in the American Flag with his head resting on a copy of the Constitution.

=Bob=


 

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It's not "improper,"  but, it is also not typical/the norm.  http://www.gettysburgflag.com/blog/history-lessons/wrapped-in-a-flag/

 

I'll add that in the rare cases where it is done, it seems to be done because the soldier had previously expressed his/her desire to be buried wrapped in the flag.  Given that would express the soldier's total dedication to service, that would seem to me to be at odds with this lyric painting the soldier as a reluctant hero "who just wished to stay home."

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In a metal war/protest song might be THE place to say something a bit out of the norm, eh? Of course, it's always up to the writer and I have no desire to convince anyone to do anything they don't feel comfortable with. But I really do enjoy the discussion! I think that's what makes these threads the most interesting. I've learned quite a bit about the American Flag and burials in the past couple of days.

=Bob=

 

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Hi SW, I have read this several times. It gets better each time. I will offer a few suggestions. Please feel free to use or discard any or all. Just something to consider.

Cheers,

Jim

 

This is the funeral
of a war hero
We got his body back
And we do what we know,
We lower his coffin down
Draped with the flag   -   Give his widow the flag
Hold onto more of him
Than's in this body-bag.

 


WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good  -  Eradicate what's good     
In the searing writhing pain!  -  Replace it with horrific pain!

 

 

 HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies  -   They choose  to fill the skies   - I don't think that "we" works here. That would include everyone.  
Molten lead that falls like rain!
 

(Bridge)
Love hurts more than hate
It squeezes our hearts   -    It teases our hearts  - or maybe,    It bleeds our hearts    -  not a perfect rhyme, but close
And teases bloody tears from our eyes.  -    And squeezes bloody tears from our eyes  -  I think that you need the stronger verb in this line. 
Love hurts every day
It crushes our ribs
And pierces shoddy veils of lies.

 

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5 hours ago, James L Kleinheksel said:

Hi SW, I have read this several times. It gets better each time. I will offer a few suggestions. Please feel free to use or discard any or all. Just something to consider.

Cheers,

Jim

 

This is the funeral
of a war hero
We got his body back
And we do what we know,
We lower his coffin down
Draped with the flag   -   Give his widow the flag
Hold onto more of him
Than's in this body-bag.

 


WAR!!! Steaming war stallions
Their nostrils flaring
Gun-mounted warships
Attack sirens blaring
DEATH!!! Across the ages
It's all the same
Extinguish what's good  -  Eradicate what's good     
In the searing writhing pain!  -  Replace it with horrific pain!

 

 

 HATE!!! Screaming battalions
Their hearts uncaring
Uncounted corpses
Their colours fading
PAIN!!! Across the eras
Who's to blame
We choose to fill the skies  -   They choose  to fill the skies   - I don't think that "we" works here. That would include everyone.  
Molten lead that falls like rain!
 

(Bridge)
Love hurts more than hate
It squeezes our hearts   -    It teases our hearts  - or maybe,    It bleeds our hearts    -  not a perfect rhyme, but close
And teases bloody tears from our eyes.  -    And squeezes bloody tears from our eyes  -  I think that you need the stronger verb in this line. 
Love hurts every day
It crushes our ribs
And pierces shoddy veils of lies.

 

Thanks Jim. Some good suggestions there.

 

I think the main thing I've taken from the various bits of feedback is to tweak the bits about the flag and the body bag. Think they're fairly easy to change and your idea of 'Give his widow the flag' is definitely a strong contender so thanks for that idea.

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10 hours ago, HoboSage said:

 

As noted above, even though it's called the "burial flag," it is not typical to actually bury the flag, whether with the coffin or with the body.  The flag is typically treated with respect.  The flag drapes the soldier's coffin and is removed before the coffin is lowered into the ground, it's appropriately folded and then it's presented to the family as a keepsake. That's the typical procedure.   As is, the burying of the flag and the improper reference to a body bag being used at the funeral comes across to me as a lyric which is misinformed regarding a typical military funeral.  Just my opinion.  However, given this is an anti-war song, I do think the lyric can probably be tweaked so that it somehow equates or correlates the burial flag given to the family with the body bag used previously - maybe an expression that upon being given the flag at the funeral it feels like being given a red, white and blue body bag - something like that.

 

P.S.  All of what I said assumes an American soldier.  

Thanks HoboSage.

The info you and others have provided has been very useful.

Good point about the nationality of the soldier. Although I'm from the UK, I do see this as being an American soldier, partly because in my mind this is a continuation of a story that has been covered in 2 previous songs, with an American singer.

 

I looked up the UK's position and found this about Royal Navy funerals.

 

'Before a coffin is lowered into a grave,  the flag is removed and  can be ceremoniously folded, by the coffin party, into a triangle for presentation to the Widow or oldest Son. This process needs the skills of at least two coffin beaters, alternatively if the flag has been borrowed, such presentation probably inappropriate.

At a crematorium, it is customary to remove it and fold it before the curtains are closed.'

 

 

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Great lyrics, very medalish I do believe. I get anger and pain from the lyrics and the story flows well. Keep it up .

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