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John Voorpostel

Unchained Repetition

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First off the title

This song is about artists who have died from the excess use of drugs or alcohol or some other self inflicted means. For me it started with Janis Joplin, Jim Morrisson, and Jimi Hendrix and I expect each and every one of you has your own story that comes to mind. I had a hard time coming up with a title because there is no obvious hook ---then it hit me....

 

Unchained Melody is a song by Alex North and Hy Zaret that was written for Unchained, a film released in 1955. It was pointed out to me several years ago that this was an example of a song where the title is not mentioned in the lyric.  So I stole that and simply replaced Melody with repetition, to represent the recurrant story of a dead celebrity

 

Thank you Mike and Kuya and James and Paul for helping me with the rewrite

 

I think it's much improved

 

Additional comments welcomed.  

 

Unchained Repetition

© 2017 John Voorpostel

 

We chased our fortunes together

Determined that we’d make our mark

It’s easy you said, we’ll just find our difference

Put everything into the part

I knew that you knew we could make it

That line ups would form at our door

So we cast our eyes over horizons

To a whole world ours to explore

 

 

Sometimes we slept on a high cloud

Sometimes we slept on the floor

Still every morning, we knew we had purpose

To stand on the top of the world

As every day made us better

And line ups got longer and loud

We measured our reason for being

By the love and the size of the crowds

 

 

We knew one day all would be over

The train we were on had to stop

But the thrills of the ride got everyday ordinary

While what you needed was to feel them a lot

Then your means took you down to the bottom

To a dungeon inside a deep hole

Now the line up today has never been longer

As everyone prays for your soul

 

 

 

***********

Prior Version

*****************************************************************************************

Unchained Repetition

© 2017 John Voorpostel

 

We chased our fortunes together

Determined to make our mark

It’s easy you said, we’ll just find our difference

And put everything into the part

I knew you knew we could make it

That line ups would form at our door

So we cast our eyes over horizons

The whole world was ours to explore

 

 

Sometimes we slept in the soft clouds

Sometimes we slept on the floor

Still every morning, we knew we had purpose

To stand on top of the world

As every day made us better

And line ups got longer and loud

We measured our reason for being

By the singing and size of the crowds

 

 

We knew one day all would be over

The train we were on would stop

As the thrills of the ride got so ordinary  (thank you James)

You needed to feel back on top

But your means took you down to the bottom

To a dungeon inside a deep hole

Now the line up today has never been longer

As everyone prays for your soul

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A 'lineup' is what you have a police station when possible suspects are put in a room to have the guilty one identified by the victim.   People 'line up' (2 words) in a queue or line.

 

Grammar aside, I have no idea what this is about or how the title applies. :huh:

 

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Hello John, 

           I think I got the lyric well enough, despite me speaking merican and you speaking english.  Hehe. The word “lineup” is used 3 times. I think what’s throwing me is the way you use is not the way I would. I attribute that to a regional variations in language usage. For example the first verse I’d have said “ they’re beating a path do our door”   And so on. But I suspect you are partial to things as is. 

            As for the title, it’s a little obscure for me. But all in all a nice write. 

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Hi John, as usual, I have to copy and paste the lyrics to critique them.  I like the title and the fact that it does not appear in the lyrics. 

 

You have a great idea here. you need to tweak it a bit and I belie that you'll have a great piece.

 

 

Cheers,  Jim

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Had a hard time coming up with a title---then it hit me....of course it just had to be this

 

Now, does it work...and does the lyric work for you??

 

Unchained Repetition

© 2017 John Voorpostel

 

We chased our fortunes together

Determined to make our mark

It’s easy you said, we’ll just find our difference  -  You said it was easy we'll find our disparity

And put everything into the part  -  And invest it all into the part

I knew you knew we could make it  -  I don't know about this line. You have the word knew twice only one word apart. How about.      Maybe     I realize you knew we'd make it

That lineups would form at our door   -  There's line ups out beyond the doors  -  You used line ups as a plural and door as singular.  

So we cast our eyes over horizons

The whole world was ours to explore  - This sounds a little cliche,                The whole world wants us even more

 

 

Sometimes we slept in the soft clouds  -   At times we slept on clouds   -  It is implied that clouds are soft, there is no other kind, even in a metaphor.

Sometimes we slept on the floor   -  Other times on the floor

Still every morning, we knew we had purpose

To stand on top of the world  - To stand above the world   -  Again, too cliche.

As every day made us better

And lineups got longer and loud  -  The lines turned to masses very loud

We measured our reason for being

By the singing and size of the crowds  -  By singing and dimension of the crowd

 

 

We knew one day all would be over  -  You left ou "it".

The train we were on would stop

Instead thrills of the ride got so ordinary  - As the thrill ride became so ordinary  - Instead doesn't work here at all. It conflicts with the prior lines

You needed to feel back on top  -  You switched here from a narrative of two people, then directing it at a singular person. I thought that I was following up until this point.

But your means took you down to the bottom     -  I'm pretty sure I know what you mean here, but you need to make the transition smoother

To a dungeon inside a deep hole

Now the lineup today has never been longer  -  Now the line today was never longer.  I wouldn't use line up again for this line

As everyone prays for your soul   -     This is fantastic, a great finish

 

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Hi Mike

 

Unchained Melody is an old song where the title does not appear in the lyric...and thank you for the line up 

 

Thank you for chiming in Kuya :)

 

Will check back later for the detailed suggestions james... 

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back again James...

 

Thanks for the different perspective on things. There is one suggestuion I will take because I had an issue with it myself ...as the thrill of the ride got so ordinary makes snese to me. As for the rest, I'm not sure it's an improvement. I don't mind repeats and the line up was intentionally repeated

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Hi John

 

Not much to offer here - it's a good write as it is.

The phrase "your means" didn't seems just right, I guess because it is so uncommonly used (so non-cliché :))

Maybe "your path" or "journey"... or not :)

 

Enjoyed this one

Paul

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Hi Paul

 

Thanks for having a look.

 

Your means refers to "the way you do it" and encompasses how, with what etc, ...so I think it's OK to use it 

 

Google---

an action or system by which a result is brought about; a method.
"these pledges are a means to avoid prosecution"
synonyms: method, way, manner, mode, measure, technique, expedient, agency, medium, instrument, channel, vehicle, avenue, course, process, procedure

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