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Breakup Ballad lyrics

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Hi everyone, I already wrote the melody for this which can be found in the song forum but I am now trying to shave off some of the lyrics to shorten the duration for a deeper emotional impact. Please see if you can help me pick out what to cut :) 

 

Verse 1

Yesterday, I met you in the garden

Trailing behind me

We stood upon the gravel in the morning

Waiting for something

 

Pre-chorus

Anything to happen

Was it you, was it me? How did this happen

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

When I looked into your eyes

I died

 

Verse 2

Yesterday, you told me that you loved me

You left me speechless

And I, being the fool in all the madness

Heard three words, but couldn’t speak them

 

Pre-chorus

Everything will happen

Wasn’t you, wasn’t me, yet it has happened

Rain will fall on your cheek and shame on mine.

For a long time 

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old

Drew our love to a close, so damaged

 

This is the Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 3

Love was like a letter that you gave me

Poured your soul into these phrases

But I am good at anything but lying

Made promises but couldn’t keep them

 

You held me tight in your arms

Yet my heart felt oh, so far

Your love’s tearing me apart

Into shards

 

Bridge

Oh, oh oh oh oh [x4]

 

Pre-chorus

Anything can happen

Wasn’t you wasn’t me, yet this has happened

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old

Drew our love to a close

 

And I’m acting fine hope you won’t know

Wear a smile just for show

I see you’re at an all time low

But please my darling don’t lose hope

 

Someday she will come along

A girl who might have heard this song before

And will not sing to you

This melody ‘bout what went wrong with us

 

We have both been damaged

This is our Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 4/ ending

Yesterday, I left you in the garden

My head and my heart were aching

Nobody told me it would hurt

Doing the heartbreaking

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Hi Margaret - yes, this reads long, too.

Suggest you look at the structure - usually a pre-chorus is shorter, a build from verse to chorus, but yours is 4 lines, same as the verse.  So is it really a 4 line build, or just an extension of the verse, or maybe both? And your first pre-chorus doesn't even lead to a chorus! In verse 3 the pre-chorus (you don't have it labeled that way, so maybe it's a second stanza?) you forego the structure/words you had in the first 2 pre-choruses.

After your 2nd chorus, there are two extra stanzas, not sure if this is a chorus extension, another bridge or what.

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3 hours ago, Margaret Maude said:

Hi everyone, I already wrote the melody for this which can be found in the song forum but I am now trying to shave off some of the lyrics to shorten the duration for a deeper emotional impact. Please see if you can help me pick out what to cut :) 

 

Verse 1

Yesterday, I met you in the garden -  

Trailing behind me

We stood upon the gravel in the morning

Waiting for something

 

Pre-chorus        IMHO -  Don't see these pre-choruses as a necessary ingredient. 

Anything to happen

Was it you, was it me? How did this happen

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

When I looked into your eyes

I died

 

Verse 2

Yesterday, you told me that you loved me

You left me speechless

And I, being the fool in all the madness

Heard three words, but couldn’t speak them

 

Pre-chorus

Everything will happen

Wasn’t you, wasn’t me, yet it has happened

Rain will fall on your cheek and shame on mine.

For a long time 

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out -  Threw you out doesn't sound compassionate, caring or even sensitive. Almost sounds as if the point of view is insidiously boasting at being in control of the situation. Aw it was nothing. I tossed you or put you out like the trash. 

The fire was quietly burning out -   The fire has already burnt out , has it not? or  The fire was quietly burning out, as the point of view feels guilt at letting go which suggests some feeling remains and probably will linger on. 

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old -  What does "old' mean here in its context?  How is the point of view's mind getting old?  These stale feelings? Are they getting old?  Numb? No longer interested?

Drew our love to a close, so damaged 

 

This is the Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 3

Love was like a letter that you gave me

Poured your soul into these phrases

But I am good at anything but lying

Made promises but couldn’t keep them

 

You held me tight in your arms

Yet my heart felt oh, so far -     

Your love’s tearing me apart

Into shards  

 

Bridge

Oh, oh oh oh oh [x4]

 

Pre-chorus

Anything can happen

Wasn’t you wasn’t me, yet this has happened

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out -  Sounds like it was already put out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold  

Drew our love to a close

 

And I’m acting fine hope you won’t know

Wear a smile just for show

I see you’re at an all time low

But please my darling don’t lose hope   

 

Someday she will come along   -    This bridge seems to illustrate the guilt that the point of view feels by telling the love interest everything will be alright and you will find somebody like me again but who won't break up with you.   

A girl who might have heard this song before

And will not sing to you

This melody ‘bout what went wrong with us  -  Well, that's just it.  What went wrong? or.......At least what went wrong in point of view's mind?

 

We have both been damaged    All I can gather is that love interest is heartbroken and damaged as a result of point of view's ballad.  Other than that, point of view is vague on her damage for the day. 

This is our Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 4/ ending

Yesterday, I left you in the garden

My head and my heart were aching

Nobody told me it would hurt

Doing the heartbreaking

 

Someone once said to me....."If it ended on good terms it wouldn't end or be over."    Start by shaving off some of the lyric.  There's a lot of meat on the plate of this one but what you have is a good starting point with lots you can do. 

I honestly had more feeling for the point of view when I heard the recorded version in song feedback. I sensed feeling in the delivery. Reading over the lyric again independent of that tune, I still sense that emotional quality of conflict in the point of view's perspective and delivery but at times it does come across as cold with lines like  "throwing you out" and "My heart felt oh, so far" .  I think what I am trying to say is......I have more sympathy now for the love interest whom the point of view has obviously rejected and I believe the reason for that is because the point of view doesn't back up or explain even briefly why she or he feels smothered or broken into shards as one line depicts.  Love interest is showing love and keeps trying and point of view has just lost the feeling for whatever reason which is not clear. And I suppose it doesn't have to be clear, but people don't break up unless there are reasons. Maybe that could be interjected? Not that it's necessary but only a thought.

 

Again, a good beginning. Feel free to use or lose my remarks. 

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1 hour ago, spanishbuddha said:

 

Someone once said to me....."If it ended on good terms it wouldn't end or be over."    Start by shaving off some of the lyric.  There's a lot of meat on the plate of this one but what you have is a good starting point with lots you can do. 

I honestly had more feeling for the point of view when I heard the recorded version in song feedback. I sensed feeling in the delivery. Reading over the lyric again independent of that tune, I still sense that emotional quality of conflict in the point of view's perspective and delivery but at times it does come across as cold with lines like  "throwing you out" and "My heart felt oh, so far" .  I think what I am trying to say is......I have more sympathy now for the love interest whom the point of view has obviously rejected and I believe the reason for that is because the point of view doesn't back up or explain even briefly why she or he feels smothered or broken into shards as one line depicts.  Love interest is showing love and keeps trying and point of view has just lost the feeling for whatever reason which is not clear. And I suppose it doesn't have to be clear, but people don't break up unless there are reasons. Maybe that could be interjected? Not that it's necessary but only a thought.

 

Again, a good beginning. Feel free to use or lose my remarks. 

Hi! Thank you so much for your feedback. It is incredibly useful. Also the song is about a once-deep relationship that the persona ended because while the partner was continuously showing her affection, she couldn't return his devotion and felt torn apart inside by the guilt. I agree with a lot you said and hopefully it will improve with new changes!

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Hi Margaret Maude I think this is really lovely, I mean I was impressed:). In the interest of trimming, I think the lyric works a bit better like this. Keep or sweep (whatever you do with this I feel it's going to be amazing anyway!):D

 

Verse 1

Yesterday, I met you in the garden

Trailing behind me

We stood upon the gravel in the morning

Waiting for something

 

Pre-chorus

Anything to happen

Was it you, was it me? How did this happen

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

When I looked into your eyes

I died

 

Verse 2

Yesterday, you told me that you loved me

You left me speechless

And I, being the fool in all the madness

Heard three words, but couldn’t speak them

 

Pre-chorus

Everything will happen

Wasn’t you, wasn’t me, yet it has happened

Rain will fall on your cheek and shame on mine.

For a long time 

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

You held me tight in your arms

Yet my heart felt oh, so far

Your love’s tearing me apart

Into shards

 

Bridge

Oh, oh oh oh oh [x4]

 

Pre-chorus

Anything can happen

Wasn’t you wasn’t me, yet this has happened

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old

Drew our love to a close

 

And I’m acting fine hope you won’t know

Wear a smile just for show

I see you’re at an all time low

But please my darling don’t lose hope

 

Someday she will come along

A girl who might have heard this song before

And will not sing to you

This melody ‘bout what went wrong with us

 

We have both been damaged

This is our Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 4/ ending

Yesterday, I left you in the garden

My head and my heart were aching

Nobody told me it would hurt

Doing the heartbreaking

 

 

Fantastic write :D!

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