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 Here is something I wrote, with just piano and my voice. I don't have any pro recording equipment and I'm terrible at singing while playing but please leave some thoughts on whether or not it makes you feel feelings or if the song is on the right track :) 

 

https://soundcloud.com/zoe-thranduilion/breakup-ballad-original-song

 

Verse 1

Yesterday, I met you in the garden

Trailing behind me

We stood upon the gravel in the morning

Waiting for something

 

Pre-chorus

Anything to happen

Was it you, was it me? How did this happen

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

When I looked into your eyes

I died

 

Verse 2

Yesterday, you told me that you loved me

You left me speechless

And I, being the fool in all the madness

Heard three words, but couldn’t speak them

 

Pre-chorus

Everything will happen

Wasn’t you, wasn’t me, yet it has happened

Rain will fall on your cheek and shame on mine.

For a long time

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old

Drew our love to a close, so damaged

 

This is the Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 3

Love was like a letter that you gave me

Poured your soul into these phrases

But I am good at anything but lying

Made promises but couldn’t keep them

 

You held me tight in your arms

Yet my heart felt oh, so far

Your love’s tearing me apart

Into shards

 

Bridge

Oh, oh oh oh oh [x4]

 

Pre-chorus

Anything can happen

Wasn’t you wasn’t me, yet this has happened

How did rain fall on your cheek and shame on mine?

 

Chorus

You loved me but I let you go

Crushed you deep inside your soul

Took you in and threw you out

The fire was quietly burning out

 

Loved you but I didn’t know

The flame was slowly growing cold

My mind was slowly getting old

Drew our love to a close

 

And I’m acting fine hope you won’t know

Wear a smile just for show

I see you’re at an all time low

But please my darling don’t lose hope

 

Someday she will come along

A girl who might have heard this song before

And will not sing to you

This melody ‘bout what went wrong with us

 

We have both been damaged

This is our Breakup Ballad

 

Verse 4/ ending

Yesterday, I left you in the garden

My head and my heart were aching

Nobody told me it would hurt

Doing the heartbreaking

Edited by Margaret Maude

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This is a very moving lyric that is superbly and poignantly delivered.

 

My suggestion would be to edit the lyric and shorten the song. I think this would give it a much greater emotional impact and improve the listening experience.

 

You have some wonderful writing going on here and I’m sure it will be a challenge for you to make the necessary cuts but I would respectfully urge you to consider tightening this

song and re-working the structure.

 

It’s truly a lovely and moving piece of work and I found your voice and playing to be a perfect fit for the subject matter.

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9 hours ago, Margaret Maude said:

 Here is something I wrote, with just piano and my voice. I don't have any pro recording equipment and I'm terrible at singing while playing but please leave some thoughts on whether or not it makes you feel feelings or if the song is on the right track :) 

 

Your song is on the right track and yes it makes me feel something emotionally when listening to it.  Great beginning with a lot to work with.  Start shaving off some of the lyric to make it even more attractive. The theme and vocal delivery should be easy for people to be able to relate to.

  • Thanks 1

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On 9/17/2017 at 05:39, GaryHale said:

This is a very moving lyric that is superbly and poignantly delivered.

 

My suggestion would be to edit the lyric and shorten the song. I think this would give it a much greater emotional impact and improve the listening experience.

 

You have some wonderful writing going on here and I’m sure it will be a challenge for you to make the necessary cuts but I would respectfully urge you to consider tightening this

song and re-working the structure.

 

It’s truly a lovely and moving piece of work and I found your voice and playing to be a perfect fit for the subject matter.

Thank you for the advice!!

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On 9/17/2017 at 06:21, spanishbuddha said:

Your song is on the right track and yes it makes me feel something emotionally when listening to it.  Great beginning with a lot to work with.  Start shaving off some of the lyric to make it even more attractive. The theme and vocal delivery should be easy for people to be able to relate to.

Okay, thank you so much for listening!

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