Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Kleen

Too much too little too late

Recommended Posts

Kleen    1

Just looking for any general feedback. Thanks :)

 

Maybe I slept in a little too long

Or when the light turned yellow, 

I should have pushed on,

Maybe I got stuck by a truck on the highway.

Every day's a missed connection with you.

And I can't take off and I can't push through,

So all I can do is sit on my hands and wait.

 

Chorus:

And don't it just make you want to stand up 

And slap the hands of fate.

It's always a touch too much, too little or too late. 

 

V2

Maybe I just forgot to look,

My head was stuck somewhere,

Maybe inside a book,

The sirens droning on so long 

They didn't cause any alarm.

But I raised my head to find you weren't there,

Suddenly I was blinded by a white glare,

Too late to move as that train plunged through

Leaving me stranded and scarred.

 

Chorus

 

Bridge:

Or I guess you might say you were always too busy,

Spinning around, almost in a tizzy

Like a revolving door, and the fun it never stops,

But it's hard to focus on much,

Till that dizzy feeling drops you to the ground.

It's a hard way to be let down. 

 

V3

Maybe I've been faking a smile for the show,

But I'm still gonna miss you, ya know.

So I pretend it's not the end, though the curtain's closed tight. 

I've got no real reason to stay,

And I don't think you'll notice anyway.

I'll be a little too blue, but i Can't stay till it's right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PaulCanuck    143
6 minutes ago, Kleen said:

And don't it just make you want to stand up 

And slap the hands of fate.

But that'd be too much, too little or too late.

I liked this lyric :) great hook - almost sings itself!

Perfectly positioned too. (Assume you repeat the chorus at the end)

One minor suggestion above keep or sweep

Paul

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
=Bob=    66

I'm afraid this title was such a hit for Johnny Mathis and Deniece Williams that perhaps you should rethink your title.

Video removed...

=Bob=

 

P.S. And that doesn't mean you should stop working on your lyric. Never give up!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kleen    1

Thanks for the thoughts guys. I was concerned the hook was a little tired sounding, and since it was a hit song as well It gives me a little more incentive to tweak it some!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
=Bob=    66

I usually do a search for titles when I'm starting a new write. For "Jekyll and Hyde" I thought, nah, no one's used that title, so I didn't bother... Then after I work the song out I find out it's been used a few times in one way or another. I didn't change my title though. But it does make me think differently about it and I tried to make my lyrics enough different so that maybe I could feel like it's mine. Oh well, that's how it goes... Simply write another!

 

And although titles are not usually protected under copyright law, we would have a difficult time presenting another "A Hard Day's Night" to a producer or publisher or band. There are some titles that are protected by copyright. Those are really long titles that make up a large proportion of the lyric. Titles like, "I Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You."

 

=Bob=

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Arthur Atsu    2

I think you can be more consistent on the rhyming. 

On the first verse you have the A, B, A'', C, D, D, E

Then on the second verse you have A, B, A, C, D, E, E, F, G

It looks and sounds disorganised. 

You can do cool stuff with the structure of rhyming.

If you read Robert Frost's work he uses rhyming in a very unique way in a consistent manner.

Or Bob Dylan... don't we all want to be Bob Dylan.

It may be worth checking out.

More like poetry feedback I guess but I hope it helped! Can't wait to hear it with music!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike B    79

Arthur noticed the same thing I did - all 3 of your verses have different line counts and rhyming.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kleen    1

Thanks for the additional feedback. I do need to do a little thinning out of the lyrics, but I'm a little confused about where you're coming from on the rhyme scheme.

to my mind, it's

long (a)

on (a)

highway (b)

you (c)

through (c)

wait (b)

 

im not opposed to using near rhymes, and sort of feel like they're pretty common nowadays... Dylan included:

"do I understand your question, is it hopeless and forlorn

come in she said I'll give ya shelter from the storm"

 

but it maybe I'm not understanding what you're trying to explain...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Arthur Atsu    2

Yeah that looks good. 

Well how you wrote it before you have;

long (a)

yellow (b)

on (a")

highway (c)

you (d)

through (d)

wait (c")

 

The second verse you wrote as

look (a)

somewhere (b)

book (a)

long (c)

alarm (d)

there (e)

glare (e)

through (f)

scarred (Is that e"?)

 

Verse three is tight though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Barneyboy    48
On 9/13/2017 at 12:06, Kleen said:

Just looking for any general feedback. Thanks :)

 

Maybe I slept in a little too long

Or when the light turned yellow, 

I should have pushed on,

Maybe I got stuck by a truck on the highway.

Every day's a missed connection with you.

And I can't take off and I can't push through,

So all I can do is sit on my hands and wait............Can't say I really know what's going on with this v - what does all of these different things have to do with anything?

 

Chorus:

And don't it just make you want to stand up .....Who is "you" supposed to be?  I thought this was about yourself and not someone else.

And slap the hands of fate.

It's always a touch too much, too little or too late. .......This ch just is not working for me.

 

V2

Maybe I just forgot to look,

My head was stuck somewhere,

Maybe inside a book,

The sirens droning on so long 

They didn't cause any alarm.........Just what is the purpose of this line or even the line above?

But I raised my head to find you weren't there,.......I'm getting dizzy trying to comprehend what is going on. 

Suddenly I was blinded by a white glare,

Too late to move as that train plunged through

Leaving me stranded and scarred.

 

Chorus

 

Bridge:

Or I guess you might say you were always too busy,

Spinning around, almost in a tizzy

Like a revolving door, and the fun it never stops,

But it's hard to focus on much,

Till that dizzy feeling drops you to the ground.

It's a hard way to be let down. ..................I would think about the relevance of this br.

 

V3

Maybe I've been faking a smile for the show,

But I'm still gonna miss you, ya know.

So I pretend it's not the end, though the curtain's closed tight. 

I've got no real reason to stay,

And I don't think you'll notice anyway.

I'll be a little too blue, but i Can't stay till it's right.

7 line v1 then 9 line v2 then 6 line v3 - seems problematic.  Seems you are just throwing out some random lines instead of trying to make a connection with any of those lines.   Got no idea what's going on with this one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×