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kuya    62

I added the all important commas after 'sober' .   General feedback, crits and suggs welcome, including the name choice. This was Sally, Sonya and even EmmyLou for a while before I settled on Sophie.  

 

I'm Sober, Sophie.  


I stop thinking, when i start drinking    V1
thats what you always say
I get too juiced,  and my mouth runs loose
And people stare, but hey
'Cause you know who, loves, Y-O-U
Not gonna keep it inside

 

But now...

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer.   CH
I'm sober, Sophie. L' tell anyone who comes near
I'm sober, Sophie. I really want you to know. 
I'm sober, Sophie. Girl I just love you so. 


I stop thinking, when I start drinking.  V2
That's what you said to me.  
I say too much, 'cause I'm such a lush
But I'm not drinking today. 
What can I do, m'crazy 'bout you
Not gonna keep it inside

 

Because... 

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer. CH
I'm sober, Sophie. Something you gotta hear. 
I'm sober,  Sophie.  I really want you to know.
I'm sober, Sophie. Girl I just love you so. 

 

I think, you don't want to hear it.       BRIDGE
You blame it on the beer it
ain't the beer talking now. 

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer. CH
I'm sober, Sophie. I'll whisper if you come near. 
I'm sober, Sophie. I really want you to know. 
I'm sober,  Sophie. Girl I just love you so. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ashfi    7
4 hours ago, kuya said:

And people stare, but hey

 

4 hours ago, kuya said:

I'm sober, Sophie. L' tell anyone who comes near

 

4 hours ago, kuya said:

I'm sober, Sophie. I'll whisper if you come near. 

Hahahaa...

Poor "Sally".

I prefer to use "Sally". 

Once in a while in live performance you could alter it some places in "Silly". In my opinion it will work nicely in CH1. B)

 

4 hours ago, kuya said:

I think, you don't want to hear it.       BRIDGE
You blame it on the beer it
ain't the beer talking now. 

I dont prefer those two 'it'. Specially B2.   

 

 Its fun to read and truly well crafted.

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I won't get into details.

 

 I like both verses. Good job on those. You set the song up really well. 

 

I like the first line of the chorus. But the last 3 lines feel generic and really the same ol' thing I've heard over and over again. Can you dig in and write those last 3 lines in a more original and interesting way?

 

I feel the same way about the bridge. Just kind of meh!. Nothing new here. 

 

Cool song idea. I think you have the hardest parts written well. Work on making the chorus and bridge stronger and you might have something here. These of course are just my personal opinions.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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PaulCanuck    132

Hi kuya

 

+ 1 on Joe's comment.

The chorus does seem a bit cliche and I think it could be more original.

I think Sober Sophie is a good title - it rhymes with itself and has nice assonance.

But to avoid confusion (you can't hear a comma :)) I would consider saying:

 

Quote

I'm sober now Sophie.

 

Or not - it's a good idea for a song IMHO :)

Paul

 

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Joey M    27

Love the title. Maybe Paul has a point about the comma.....but the hook grabbed me the moment I read it. So, for me, the word "now" might detract from the punch. Guess I'd have to hear how it was sung to know for sure.  I assumed you meant "now' anyway.

 

I like the idea of a bridge...I'm hearing it as a quick lift back into the chorus.  But I think the wording is a little redundant with the chorus.....would rather see something different than more blaming it on the beer.

 

I particularly like the verses. but the chorus might be a tad redundant. Would consider the hook in lines 1 and 3 with something different in 2 and 4.

 

Below is just an idea:

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer.   CH
I'm on the wagon and'll tell anyone who comes near
I'm sober, Sophie. I really want you to know. 
I did it for you cus Girl I just love you so. 

 

I like the song!

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SongWolfe    45

I think this is great.

 

On Paul's 'you can't hear a comma', I think the key thing is that a prospective singer can read the comma and commas denote that the speaker (or singer) should take a slight pause in what they are saying. So don't think you need any additional words, just for the singer to allow a bit of space between the two words.

 

In terms of other feedback, the only thing I've got is whether the chorus could be tweaked a bit to make it more impactful. For example, I'm not sure using the word 'whisper' is right. Doesn't he want to shout from the rooftops that he's in love with Sophie?

 

 

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Barneyboy    44
On 8/11/2017 at 21:39, kuya said:

I added the all important commas after 'sober' .   General feedback, crits and suggs welcome, including the name choice. This was Sally, Sonya and even EmmyLou for a while before I settled on Sophie.  

 

I'm Sober, Sophie.  


I stop thinking, when i start drinking    V1
thats what you always say
I get too juiced,  and my mouth runs loose  ................Leave off and cause it picks up as a continuation on the next line.
And people stare, but hey......................
'Cause you know who, loves, Y-O-U  .........................leave off 'Cause.
Not gonna keep it inside

 

But now...     .....doesn't read well going into the ch.  Because works better

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer.   CH
I'm sober, Sophie. L' tell anyone who comes near
I'm sober, Sophie. I really want you to know. 
I'm sober, Sophie. Girl I just love you so.   ...............Maybe one too many I'm sobers. 


I stop thinking, when I start drinking.  V2
That's what you said to me.  
I say too much, 'cause I'm such a lush  .............Seems to be repeating v1.
But I'm not drinking today. 
What can I do, m'crazy 'bout you
Not gonna keep it inside

 

Because... 

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer. CH
I'm sober, Sophie. Something you gotta hear.    ........This is a better line than the one in the first ch.
I'm sober,  Sophie.  I really want you to know.
I'm sober, Sophie. Girl I just love you so. 

 

I think, you don't want to hear it.       BRIDGE
You blame it on the beer it        .............do you really need to make and it/it rhyme?  
ain't the beer talking now.  .......May I suggest: I know saying ain't doing> cause you can blame it on the beer>  But baby the beer ain't talking now

 

I'm sober, Sophie. Can't blame today on the beer. CH
I'm sober, Sophie. I'll whisper if you come near. 
I'm sober, Sophie. I really want you to know. 
I'm sober,  Sophie. Girl I just love you so. 

 

 

 

 

 

What's up with all the commas and periods.  V1 is a good start, v2 not so much unless you give us a different thought. The ch is fine but maybe would flow better with one less repetition of the hook.

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