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Barneyboy

Maybe the next time

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Barneyboy    44

Edited to clear up confusion about POV and notations at fade.  Hope this makes the read more clear.

 

 

Maybe the Next Time (duet)

 

V:   (First singer)   

Hey buddy my car just broke down

Yeah I’m stuck out here on Jensen Road

Getting dark and could use a hand

Can you come give me a quick tow

V:     Second singer

Man you know I owe you big time

For those 2 hard days you helped me move

But I got some friends from out of town

You know I’d be there if I could

 

Ch:   (Second singer

So maybe I’ll catch you the next time

Sorry, I got to go

You know I hate to say no

But maybe the next time

Yeah, maybe the next time

 

V:      (Second singer)

It’s me got popped for driving drunk

Buddy I’m calling from this cold jail

Hoping you can lend me a hand

I need someone to help make bail

V:    (First singer)

Oh man you just caught me leaving

Had a cold beer at Connie’s bar

Got a great deal on my trade in

And love the ride on my new car

 

Ch:    (First singer)

So maybe I’ll catch you the next time

Sorry, I got to go

You know I hate to say no

But maybe the next time

Yeah, maybe the next time

I’m sure maybe the next time

 

Fade:  (First singer)

ha ha ha ha ha 

(Second singer)

Dude, are you laughing

(Operator)

Your time is up

Click and buzz tone

 

Edited by Barneyboy
Clear up some confusion

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=Bob=    51

Most of this doesn't ring true to me. From my own experiences, I've certainly been called to come help by my friends many times, middle of the night, at work, etc. Nothing ever stopped me from going to help a stranded friend. I've bailed them out, fixed their cars in the street, towed their cars home. Having friends from out of town just sounds like a silly reason to not help someone. So maybe your lyric is trying to say these two aren't actually friends? Maybe I'm not getting it.

=Bob=

 

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Mike B    73

Just too self-pitying, I'm afraid.

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SnarkyAnarky    49

i like the specificity of some of the lines, referencing streets and establishments... I think the idea is interesting but there's no resolution or consequence except maybe realizing you have shitty friends?

 

ALTHOUGH, on a second read through - and I'm guessing, it's not denoted - is the original friend that was called for help, the one calling from jail? 

 

'Operator cuts in to say your time is up' is this more of a note? or is that the line? if there was laughing and then the actual message from the operator, i feel like that could work.

 

again, interesting idea but maybe some fleshing out - and just notations as to who is singing what would help the clarity

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PaulCanuck    132

Hi barney

 

This one was a grower for me.

The first few reads I was confused about POV. Who is saying what and why?

I think this could work well pretty much as is - but every time it changes POV it should be clear - so each new voice must be different than the previous one. You could even have a female sing as one of the people on the other end of the phone.

With the right singers/music this will be great I predict :)

 

Oh - and one suggestion - drop the "the" so the hook/title is "Maybe Next Time".

 

Nice work!

Paul

 

 

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Hey Paul, I usually LOVE your stuff, and I think there is great writing here too. I really like the verses and think that they don't need much work, the chorus is what I was having trouble with. I think my problem is 'catch you the next time'.  Dibs me next time - could that be a thing? I LOVE the fade, it cements the whole song. You're such a funny, clever writer, you must be a riot in real life. :D

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Barneyboy    44
On 8/10/2017 at 05:18, =Bob= said:

Most of this doesn't ring true to me. From my own experiences, I've certainly been called to come help by my friends many times, middle of the night, at work, etc. Nothing ever stopped me from going to help a stranded friend. I've bailed them out, fixed their cars in the street, towed their cars home. Having friends from out of town just sounds like a silly reason to not help someone. So maybe your lyric is trying to say these two aren't actually friends? Maybe I'm not getting it.

=Bob=

 

Bingo. There are those who are your friends until you call on them for some help.  You may not be one of those and you may not know one but I assure you they exist - I speak from experience. Thanks for leaving your thoughts. 

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Barneyboy    44
On 8/11/2017 at 05:44, SnarkyAnarky said:

i like the specificity of some of the lines, referencing streets and establishments... I think the idea is interesting but there's no resolution or consequence except maybe realizing you have shitty friends?

ALTHOUGH, on a second read through - and I'm guessing, it's not denoted - is the original friend that was called for help, the one calling from jail? 

 

'Operator cuts in to say your time is up' is this more of a n

ote? or is that the line? if there was laughing and then the actual message from the operator, i feel like that could work.

 

again, interesting idea but maybe some fleshing out - and just notations as to who is singing what would help the clarity

No, it's the other way around. The friend that wouldn't help cause he had friends in town was the one who got busted and calling from jail.  It's a karma thing. Thanks for stopping by.

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Barneyboy    44
On 8/11/2017 at 05:53, PaulCanuck said:

Hi barney

 

This one was a grower for me.

The first few reads I was confused about POV. Who is saying what and why?

I think this could work well pretty much as is - but every time it changes POV it should be clear - so each new voice must be different than the previous one. You could even have a female sing as one of the people on the other end of the phone.

With the right singers/music this will be great I predict :)

 

Oh - and one suggestion - drop the "the" so the hook/title is "Maybe Next Time".

 

Nice work!

Paul

 

 

Thanks for your kind words.  Thanks for the suggestion.

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Barneyboy    44
On 8/12/2017 at 18:20, Tracy somebody said:

Hey Paul, I usually LOVE your stuff, and I think there is great writing here too. I really like the verses and think that they don't need much work, the chorus is what I was having trouble with. I think my problem is 'catch you the next time'.  Dibs me next time - could that be a thing? I LOVE the fade, it cements the whole song. You're such a funny, clever writer, you must be a riot in real life. :D

Not sure if you read the right one, I'm Barneyboy.  Paul is someone else. Thanks anyway.

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Such shitty friends lol. I guess that's what the song is about: how some people are your friends till they're asked for help. I like it, I just feel like it isn't complete, like you could add something more to really finish the story. Still, it's just a suggestion, the song is good (: 

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Joe Bloggs    5

Hi

 

I think this is well written and I like the specifics.

 

The only thing is the question "Will it portray the singer in a positive light".

 

2 wrongs make a right?

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