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=Bob=

I'm Still Here

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=Bob=    51

I’m Still Here
Unpublished Work, Copyright © R. Dobbins

 

Verse 1:
I used to sense your heart in mine
The two of us like one
Now I just feel this glass of wine
Meds that waste my mind
And though I’m feeling numb

 

Chorus:
I’m still here
Inside of what is left of me
Somewhere you hold the rest of me
But I’m still here
I’m still here

 

Verse 2:
Those nights I’d find an empty bed
Would burn some troubled these bloodshot eyes
Recalling hateful words we said
Praying time won’t end
Before you realize

 

[To Chorus]

 

Bridge:
When the present turns to the past
Lost within the shadows cast from yesterday
Tears can fall like autumn leaves will follow where sadness leads
And a whisper on the breeze will seem to say...

 

[To Chorus]

 

Tag:
Come and take a few more steps with me
Remembering the best of me
‘Cos I’m still here
I’m still here...

 


=Bob=

 

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SnarkyAnarky    49

i like it - particularly the bridge with it's nifty structure of the rhymes..

 

i'm assuming the 'burn some troubled eyes' is tear-irritated eyes when recalling the hateful words?

 

I sorta wish it was a bit 'punchier'? I don't want this to come across wrong: it's a bit generic... in that I don't find any details that make me think you actually went through this. 

 

maybe just me though – i like it, it gets the job done but i really want to feel like I'm in there

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Ron99    59
35 minutes ago, =Bob= said:

Those nights I’d find an empty bed
Would burn some troubled eyes

This lyric is coherent, powerful, and subtle at the same time, with great structure, and a wonderful hook.

I did stumble slightly on the above quote, which seems slightly unnatural, or semi-grammatical, or even a mini-digression that set me off wondering about your eyes.

Maybe something to diminish the emphasis on the actual feeling in the eyes. Bewildered eyes?

I gaze upon that lonely bed, with mournful aching eyes. Something centered, maybe, on the person looking through the eyes.

That's my best thought.

I would aspire to someday write something as good as this (starting with getting over the AABB hurdle).

 

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PaulCanuck    132

Hi Bob

 

Good stuff - you've been mining a rich vein lately :)

Strongest line: "I'm Still Here" ( great hook! )

Weakest: "Tears can fall like autumn leaves" ( a tad cliché )

 

Paul

 

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kuya    62

Really nice Bob.  I agree with Paul as to best and weakest lines, but i think it's great as is.  Entire chorus is great.  I like the rhythm of the lines.  Very well crafted IMHO

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=Bob=    51
20 hours ago, lyriCAL said:

Beautiful!

Thanks Doug, much appreciated!

 

20 hours ago, SnarkyAnarky said:

i like it - particularly the bridge with it's nifty structure of the rhymes.. i'm assuming the 'burn some troubled eyes' is tear-irritated eyes when recalling the hateful words? I sorta wish it was a bit 'punchier'? I don't want this to come across wrong: it's a bit generic... in that I don't find any details that make me think you actually went through this.  maybe just me though – i like it, it gets the job done but i really want to feel like I'm in there

Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to try to work on it some more. I should probably just say "bloodshot eyes" and be done with it. Maybe I'll rewrite the bridge.

 

19 hours ago, Ron99 said:

This lyric is coherent, powerful, and subtle at the same time, with great structure, and a wonderful hook.

I did stumble slightly on the above quote, which seems slightly unnatural, or semi-grammatical, or even a mini-digression that set me off wondering about your eyes.

Maybe something to diminish the emphasis on the actual feeling in the eyes. Bewildered eyes?

I gaze upon that lonely bed, with mournful aching eyes. Something centered, maybe, on the person looking through the eyes.

That's my best thought.

I would aspire to someday write something as good as this (starting with getting over the AABB hurdle).

 

I agree, that line needs some work. And maybe the bridge.

 

19 hours ago, PaulCanuck said:

Hi Bob

 

Good stuff - you've been mining a rich vein lately :)

Strongest line: "I'm Still Here" ( great hook! )

Weakest: "Tears can fall like autumn leaves" ( a tad cliché )

 

Paul

 

Thanks Paul, the bridge is undergoing some rework today. I wrote it probably 5 or 6 times. But now it looks too sappy for the rest of the song. I will probably tuck it away for later use.

 

9 hours ago, kuya said:

Really nice Bob.  I agree with Paul as to best and weakest lines, but i think it's great as is.  Entire chorus is great.  I like the rhythm of the lines.  Very well crafted IMHO

Thanks for the feedback and I'm working on the bridge again.

 

Thanks again everyone for the great feedback! This one was difficult to work on. I wanted simple and straight forward and took a detour. Reworking it today using all of your suggestions!

=Bob=

 

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Joey M    27

A fine song. I think you fixed the few things that needed work. I love this kind of song. This is one of the best hooks I've seen in awhile. The title tells the story. The rest of the song is icing on the cake. Can't go wrong with that. 

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=Bob=    51
6 hours ago, Joey M said:

A fine song. I think you fixed the few things that needed work. I love this kind of song. This is one of the best hooks I've seen in awhile. The title tells the story. The rest of the song is icing on the cake. Can't go wrong with that. 

Thanks Joey, much appreciated! And thanks to everyone for helping out!

=Bob=

 

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R-N-R Jim    5

Hi B

 

  I liked the chorus. The verses seem to fumble in delivery. I like the "in the moment" premise you took on, but I needed something more than "hateful words" to get me over the finish line. Like when you mention coming home to an empty bed...make that loss alittle more personal like " I feel lost in an empty bed" or "your not here, but the smell of your perfume remains" i.e. focus on things that aren't there anymore physically or mentally. Again, the plot on why it ended doesnt have to be direct, but to say something more one sided like "she doesnt love me anymore" can maybe be enough. Or, I hope she changes her mind and sees what I see...

 

just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

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=Bob=    51
On 8/3/2017 at 13:43, R-N-R Jim said:

Hi B

 I liked the chorus. The verses seem to fumble in delivery. I like the "in the moment" premise you took on, but I needed something more than "hateful words" to get me over the finish line. Like when you mention coming home to an empty bed...make that loss a little more personal like " I feel lost in an empty bed" or "your not here, but the smell of your perfume remains" i.e. focus on things that aren't there anymore physically or mentally. Again, the plot on why it ended doesn't have to be direct, but to say something more one sided like "she doesn't love me anymore" can maybe be enough. Or, I hope she changes her mind and sees what I see... just my two cents worth

R-N-R Jim

Thanks for the feedback, Jim! I think you're right, maybe I need something more personal than just "hateful words." I need to paint the picture, not tell so much. I'm still working on this one!

=Bob=

 

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Joe Bloggs    5

Hi

 

This read really well to me.

 

I like the simplicity of the chorus and especially the way the verses flow into the chorus.

 

 

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=Bob=    51
On ‎8‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 14:15, Joe Bloggs said:

Hi

This read really well to me.

I like the simplicity of the chorus and especially the way the verses flow into the chorus.

 

Thanks Joe, very much appreciated!

=Bob=

 

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Barneyboy    44
On 7/31/2017 at 08:31, =Bob= said:

I’m Still Here
Unpublished Work, Copyright © R. Dobbins

 

Verse 1:
I used to sense your heart in mine
The two of us like one
Now I just feel this glass of wine...........nice use of a metaphor though it is not original
Meds that waste my mind...........better here.
And though I’m feeling numb.......nice v1.  Already tells us so much.

 

Chorus:
I’m still here
Inside of what is left of me
Somewhere you hold the rest of me..........I really like this line.
But I’m still here
I’m still here

 

Verse 2:
Those nights I’d find an empty bed
Would burn some troubled these bloodshot eyes...........I don't get the continuation of the thought from line 1.
Recalling hateful words we said
Praying time won’t end..........what happened to the rhyme pattern from v1?  Mine/wine/mind vs bed/said/end?
Before you realize...........You know, I think this muddies the lyric cause your v1 pretty much said all this quite nicely.  This is more telling instead of the showing you gave in v1.

 

[To Chorus]

 

Bridge:
When the present turns to the past
Lost within the shadows cast from yesterday.........leave off "yesterday" or rephrase it to: Lost within yesterday's shadow
Tears can fall like autumn leaves will follow where sadness leads...........I like economy of words - Tears will follow sadness. 
And a whisper on the breeze will seem to say...

 

[To Chorus]

 

Tag:
Come and take a few more steps with me
Remembering the best of me
‘Cos I’m still here
I’m still here..........Not a fan of this tag cause you don't give us the impression of any reconciliation anywhere.  

 


=Bob=

 

I like how you jump into the ch after the v's and the br.

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=Bob=    51
On ‎8‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 11:47, SnarkyAnarky said:

i keep coming back to this one and it grows on me more every time. it's a lingerer... lol

Thank Zach, glad it's working for you.

On ‎8‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 15:34, Barneyboy said:

I like how you jump into the ch after the v's and the br.

This one is put to music now. Managed to play a little piano this weekend. We'll see if I'm up to making a recording of it.

 

Thanks everyone for the great feedback!

=Bob=

 

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Ashfi    7

Kinda sad song but try to be optimistic - Its my thing. Great lyrics. 

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=Bob=    51
23 hours ago, Ashfi said:

Kinda sad song but try to be optimistic - Its my thing. Great lyrics. 

Thanks, glad you liked it!

=Bob=

 

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