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kuya

Of The Day We Met

I picture this as the second part of a trilogy with Scooters N Hooters, say what?  No seriously, i was trying to write something that would fit right in on of those classic torch song albums that became popular I think starting with Linda Rondstadt back in the 1980s  "what's new?" with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra. Everybody has done one or two, even Rod Stewart and Bob Dylan.

      I rarely attempt to write with a female POV, so that was a challenge.  I suspect that I stole part of the bridge from some old song kicking around in my subconscious. This is not my forte but I'd like some good criticism from fans of that genre so I can fix. Thanks. 

 

 

Of The Day We Met

 

The birds were sweetly singing, the cheeriest of tunes. V1
While (The)wind was gently blowing (gently) on a lazy afternoon. 

White (The)pillow clouds were floating in the bluest summer sky. 
I turned and (I) saw you laughing (out) from the corner of my eye. 

 

We made our introductions.  S'we stood upon the shore.  V2
It was nothing just some small talk.  But I hoped for so much more. 
An Izod shirt and khakis. Like the coolest summer drink. 
You seemed so close to perfect. And I was dressed in pink. 

 

I knew that very moment that you were just my kind. CH
 I caught my self believing,  ... that you could be mine
And though you may not remember, I can not for get, 
Every precious little detail ... of the day we met 

 

I wasn't really looking. I didn't have a clue   V3
That I could be so lucky. As to meet someone like you. 
We talked on and on for hours. Didn't want the night to end. 
Made plans to meet tomorrow. Kissed you once and then again! 

 

The mind  is such a funny thing. what lingers in your head. V4
Thoughts that keep you up at night, as you lay there in your bed. 
That summer seemed to fly by. It was all gone way too soon. 
But I often like to go back to that perfect day in June. 

 

Where did that summer go? When did our hair get grey?  BRIDGE
And do you ever go, back to that summer day?
If we had it to do over,  would you even say hello? 
Oh tell me, please tell me, where did that summer go? 

 

I knew that for a lifetime that you were just my kind. CH
I caught myself believing ... that you could be mine. 
And though you may not remember, I can not  for get 
Every precious little detail ... of the day we met

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Kuya --

Carrying a torch for someone is tough to do especially in the tradition of the Great American Songbook.  The one I always think of is One For My Baby by Cole Porter.

"I was dressed in pink" stinks. I'm not sure about the "kissed you once and then again" that may have a little stink on it so it can rhyme. So you ask " Okay what you got?" I got nothing but I suspect there's better out there. In general your rhymes are okay they just use the easy combos "drink/pink"  and "end/ again". Nothing wrong with that but I noticed.

But I like the way you set this up.

V1 is the description of the day you met

V2 you meet her

CH your reaction

V3 blissfully happy

V4 memories intrude

Br where did the summer go?

CH your reaction. regret

The chorus is different each time except for the last line "the day we met" That's good and bad for the listener. Good for the ear to hear something well thought out  but bad for the lack of an oft repeated hook.

Good work. A nice entry in your songbook.

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Thank you for the feedback Musical Key!   It's a work in progress. I'm way out of my comfort zone writing female POV and a style I like a whole lot but don't usually write in. But it's good to do that sometimes to keep from getting stale. I have a half dozen of various styles in progress but I hit a wall here. Btw the chorus only has one slight change in it. "That very moment" becomes "for a lifetime" after the bridge occurs.  The chorus only happens twice. Not sure if it needs a third time. To get a sense of what I'm going for google "what's new" by linda rondstadt. 

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Female POV? Oops! Strike the pink stinks comment. Thanks for referring me to the Linda album. I haven't listened to it in a while. s.

 

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Hi kuya

 

Good stuff - flows like a summer breeze :)

The only thing that made this a female POV for me was the word "pink".

In fact, I would like to hear from a female as to whether this would seem like a female POV because it fits nicely with my (male) POV (except for "pink")

Now, there were some things that didn't seem quite right to me - like:

 - why was he laughing in  V1? Was he with someone else or does he just laugh spontaneously?

 - the verse that starts with "The mind  is such a funny thing" implies that she is now alone but the next verse their hair is getting grey which implies they are still together. I though the grey hair bit took me out of the song - now I'm picturing some old couple wishing they were young again.

 - the title/hook seemed a bit weak - didn't draw me in - if you keep it I would make it just "The Day we Met" but I liked the "Where did that summer Go?" hook in the bridge much better.

 - oh, and "can not for get" should be "cannot forget" for nitpickers like me :)

 

Regardless of my nitpickingness above I thought this a strong lyric :)

Paul

 

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Thanks For the comments Paul.  I'd sum this up as a woman remembering one of the happiest days of her life. And she is now talking about it years later with the guy from that day in June, who she did end up with. He may or may not be in the room. The conversation may be imagionary on her part--speaking to someone who isn't there.  I thought it all seemed a little too sentimental for a guy like me to ever say, so I tried to use a female POV. But i could switch POV easy enough.  Although i like the bridge I'm not sure it belongs here as written.  I made can not for get that way to emphasize pauses between syllables. Why was he laughing?  I laugh all the time.  Still up in the air as to song title also. Thanks again

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Nice, sentimental lyric. I would try to reduce the amount of "the"s in the opening verse:

 

The birds were sweetly singing, the cheeriest of tunes
The While wind was gently blowing on a lazy afternoon
The White pillow clouds were floating in the bluest summer sky
I turned . I and saw you laughing out from the corner of my eye

 

Nice lyric!

=Bob=

 

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Thank you Bob. Much better. 

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