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John Voorpostel

Hannah Come Over To Me

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 :)

 

Hannah Come Over To Me

© 2017 John Voorpostel

 

Revised (again) thanks for the eagle a Short Order

 

 

Hannah found religion dancing in the streets

I entertained a vision I could also keep the beat

In the middle of a moment

I thought I lost my mind

When I saw Hannah dancing

On the borderline

 

 

So I steeled up my courage
Said “Hannah have no fear

I promise you’ll have no regrets

So come on over here

Yeah come on over
Come on over

Come on over
Hannah come over to me

 

 

Hannah was a hurricane, once she found her feet

Blowing over life and love exuding latent heat

In the middle of forever

Every star aligned

When I saw Hannah dancing

On that borderline

 

 

When I look back on my life

I want to know that I tried

That I stared down any pain

That brought a chance of delight

 

 

So I steeled up my courage
Said “Hannah have no fear

I promise you’ll have no regrets

So come on over here

Yeah come on over
Come on over

Come on over
Hannah come over to me

 

 

Every star aligned

When I saw Hannah dancing

Across that borderline

 

 

*************************************************************************************************************************************

Version 1

 

 

Hannah found religion dancing in the streets

I entertained a vision I could also keep the beat

In the middle of that moment

I thought I lost my mind

When I saw Hannah dancing

On the borderline

 

 

Looking back on my life

I want to know that I tried

Did not avoid any pain

That brought a chance of delight

So I steeled up my courage
Said “Hannah I’m here,

If you don’t cross on over

You may regret fear

So come on over
Come on over

Come on over
Hannah come over to me"

 

 

Hannah was a hurricane, once she found her feet

Blowing over life and love exuding latent heat

In the middle of a forever

Every star aligned

When I saw Hannah dancing

On that borderline

 

 

Looking back on my life

I want to know that I tried

Did not avoid any pain

That brought a chance of delight

So I steeled up my courage
Said “Hannah I’m here,

If you don’t cross on over

You may regret fear

So come on over
Come on over

Come on over
Hannah come over to me"

 

 

Every star aligned

When I saw Hannah dancing

Across that borderline

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this, i really dig (since you referenced it in the tags, i had a hard time articulating my thoughts on Wilder Than A Feral Cat, but i just couldn't get a feel for that one)...

 

I like how the verses mimic each other.

 

it's clear, it paints a scene - it's puts me in that moment... it flows nicely, I have no critiques - this one really works for me.

 

 

 

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I think this is top drawer. You are right up there for me in my favourite 2 or 3 lyricists on muse. You don't over do it either. Couple of verses, couple of chorus. Top job. Reminds of something Adam duritz (counting crows) might write.

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Hi, John,

 

Some nice lyrics here, but--sorry to say this--I don't know what you mean by borderline. I'm not sure what's happening in this lyric.

 

Peko

 

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Hi John,

 

I certainly liked this more than a previous lyric of yours (which shall remain nameless - Haha!)

 

It has a nice internal rhythm about it and I suspect the chorus will be a nice change of tempo to make it stand out.

 

Two partial lines presented me with a bit of difficulty -  exuding latent heat felt awkward to my ear and took me out of the lyric... like a little stumble.

 

The other is - You may regret fear. Isn't there a better and more lyrically fitting way of saying this? Again, a little stumble.

 

Other than those two specific snippets these read well to me and continues your ongoing and heartily cerebral approach to lyric writing - LOL!

 

 

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This is some of the most awesome music I've read in a while, proffesional or not. It gives me so many feels you know. Your rhymes sound very good, not very many cheap forced lines. I really like the lines like *Hannah Dancing on that boarderline*. Ive always loved vaguer meanings to music, even if i cannot write vague stuff like that. That line especially just conveys emotion and means a lot to me! Very good song!

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Thanks all for reading and commenting. Definitely helps me move forward 

 

Snarky--glad you liked it. If I'm batting 2 to 300 in my lyrics, I'm a happy camper. Some simply do not work, and that's OK. I just keep writing and the Law of Large Numbers delivers every now and again :)

 

Hi Liam---wow, huge praise indeed. Have to return the compliment with your absolutely stellar "Bees" lyric and add congrats for the beautiful song it turned into.

 

Hi Peko---boy sees girl, boy wants girl, boy needs to overcome fear of rejection, girl needs to cross a border to come over to boy :)

 

Emily I was expecting a strong reaction from you and I absolutely loved the way you came back with the feral pig. I was going to ask for truffles but when I googled it, it seems the boars are not the ones who dig them up---oh well. 
I like the latent heat line, so I think I will keep that, but the "fear" line bugged me too.  What if I changed it so? More conversational and natural

 

Said “Hannah have no fear

I promise you’ll have no regrets

So come on over here

 

Thank you Dawk...glad it works for you.

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Hello John, 

       If we were having a contest here titled "write a classic Dylan verse" I think you'd win with the first verse here. And maybe take Second place for verse 2.  Translation: pretty damn good.  

        In comparison, i think your chorus opener is much weaker. I would consider possibly starting with the steeled up some courage.  Not sure i can be more specific. Nice job!

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Hi John

 

First we've got Emily and her tornados, then it's John with his hurricanes.

We must have a Tune - ameee going on at the muse!

I liked this one. As Emily says nice rhythm going on.

I would say your chorus is this section (because the first half of it reads like a verse):

 

On ‎2017‎-‎06‎-‎13 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

If you don’t cross on over

You may regret fear

So come on over
Come on over

Come on over
Hannah come over to me"

 

Personally - I would get rid of the over's and other extraneous words, and simplify the hook:

 

On ‎2017‎-‎06‎-‎13 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

If you don’t come over

You may regret xxx fear <-- don't get this line and it seems to be missing a syllable

So Hannah come
Hannah come

Hannah come
Hannah come to me

 

Just my two cents CAD

Nice work :)

 

Paul

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On 6/13/2017 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

Did not avoid any pain

That brought a chance of delight

So I steeled up my courage
Said “Hannah I’m here,

If you don’t cross on over

You may regret fear

These lines don't (to me) have the elegance and naturalness of the otherwise excellent others

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On 6/13/2017 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

I promise you’ll have no regrets

So come on over here

Why not just  "you'll have no regrets."   ?    

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On 6/13/2017 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

Hannah was a hurricane, once she found her feet

Blowing over life and love exuding latent heat

 

Great hurricane imagery with "blowing over life and love exuding latent heat" and the meter works

 

One small question, would you get rid of "a" here?

On 6/13/2017 at 21:49, John Voorpostel said:

In the middle of a forever

 

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It's nice when the stars align, John!

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Jeepers Short Order---where did that "a" comefrom?? Must have looked at that since the beginning and never really noticed it. Consider it gone :)

 

Thank you Kuya. Definitely improved this with everyone's help--including yours. 

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