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cindyrella

Basketful of Memories

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I wrote this last fall and it is based on memories and some things made up. I love a good apple! :) 

 

 

Basketful of Memories
© 2016 Cindy Prince

 

Basket of apples
Swinging
As I tag along singing loudly

 

I'm following my brother
Whistling
Mama's listening rather proudly

 

Pre Chorus
It's early September
And oh how I remember those days

 

Chorus
We sit beneath the apple tree
Mama, Joey, and me
I take my first bite
The skin is tight
On my teeth
The juice runs down my chin
As I go back again
The images are so clear
As if I was still sitting there
A basketful of memories

 

I'm wearing no shoes
Laughing
And always chattering too fast

 

I lean against the tree
Relaxing
The long afternoon has past

 

Repeat pre chorus and chorus

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Hi Cindy, I like the verses as they are, but think the chorus needs tightening up.

I think part of that is 10 lines, starting with AABB rhyme, then the rhyme pattern falls apart.

'The skin is tight / On my teeth' - I know what you mean - the apple skin, and the way you have to force your teeth through, but think this is all rather unneeded -everone who has eaten an apple understands what eating one is like.

Suggestion (off the top of my head, feel free to ignore!):

Sitting 'neath the apple tree
Mama, Joey, and me
Taking that first bite

Everything feels so right...

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I feel this is more poem than lyric.  It's nice as a poem but rather sparse as a lyric.  But hey, it's your art, not mine.

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Thanks for the comments. I think it can use some improvements-especially the chorus. I will think on it.

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Hi Cindy

 

I'm glad you didn't use "a basket of deplorables" :)

I liked this - wouldn't change much if I were you.

Captures the simplicity and innocence of childhood IMO.

Great hook and you position it well.

Maybe sing "take another bite" the second time the chorus comes around as you can't take your first bite twice :)

 

I don't know why some people think good poetry can't be a great song :wacko:

 

Paul

 

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