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cindyrella

Kiss Beneath the Monkey Bars

I wrote this last summer after having an old memory pop into my head. Thoughts?

 

Kiss Beneath the Monkey Bars
© 2016 Cindy Prince

 

He was my first
It was second grade
He had freckles
I had a braid

 

He held my hand
I shyly smiled
My tiny heart
Went madly wild

 

Chorus
Then he kissed me
Beneath the monkey bars
I saw fireworks
I saw stars
We both giggled
Then looked away
But I still remember
That kiss today

 

Someone saw us
We both ran
It seemed to be over
Before it began

 

But Mark had an idea
And so he tried
Next time he kissed me
It was under the slide

 

Repeat chorus

 

Outro
The fun, the innocence-those old monkey bars
If I kissed him today-would I still see stars?

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But Mark had an idea
And so he tried
Next time he kissed me
It was under the slide


1.  Its fine but is not grammatically perfect like the rest.

    One idea     (A great idea)

    that he tried

    was to kiss me next time

    under the slide.   ????

 

2.  You seem driven to use his name, but the listener might want to put in one of their own.

 

3.  I would give this an A+

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Thanks! I see what you mean about that last vs and his name. Might be better without any name-more relatable. 

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really cute and sweet - what Ron99 mentioned about the last verse was the only thing that popped out to me as well.

the name didn't bother me much, names get used all the time in songs - but i do see his point.

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Fireworks, in 2nd grade?  WOW!   This is cute, but I can't see it making much of a song.

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Well constructed, and my only nitpicks have already been mentioned by others. I'm not sure what Mike is on about as I have no problem hearing this as a song; way too cutesy for my taste but song nonetheless.

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Thanks all. It was a fun write and a fun memory.

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Hi Cindy

 

I really like this one.

I can hear it as a melancholy piano ballad - a genre I'm all too familiar with.. :)

 

No nits from me - would like to hear it sung.

Paul

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I like it, and as Paul said with piano music setting the right mood, I think it could go over well. I agree with the consensus about not using the name, but the idea is good with the new location for the next kiss. Nice one Cindy, love the sentiment...P.S. I was 14 before I let a girl kiss me! Until then..yuck! :)

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Thanks to you both. I do think simple music for this would work.

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