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DinoRider

(Scorecards finally!)Lyric Challenge - April 2017

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So here it is, a bit of a different kind of contest. I'll post a Japanese rock video and the objectives are as follows:

 

1. write an English rock lyric  (well it is a rock song so that's probably a given)[Not a translation, but your own words/feelings]

2. match the mood of the music

3. match the melody

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"

5. (optional) use the lyric to explain the randomness of the video

6. Have Fun! (not optional)

 

There are other random English phrases in the song, if you want to use them that's fine, but you don't have to. Just watch out for "Bo Bo Boloney" you'll know it when you hear it:lol:

 

Anyone that can tolerate rock should give it try!

 

 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
The timeline is:

 

• Entries will be accepted now through Midnight Pacific Daylight Time (PDT) Sunday May 7

•Entries will start being posted Friday may 5th

• Voting (scorecards) will take place May 8 thru May 13 .

• Don't start voting until I officially post the scoring instructions.

• I'll post the results on the evening of May 14 

 

cool.gifHere are the rules:cool.gif

 

 

1) See Above Post

 

2) Send your submission to me (DinoRider) via private message and I will post it anonymously on your behalf. The names of each lyric writer will be revealed at the end of the contest.

 

3) Once your lyric has been posted, you cannot change or revise it, or submit another in its place.

 

4) I will submit it as is, so watch your format and your spelling. I will not change any of your errors after the lyric has been posted.

 

5) If you enter, you must submit scores for the other lyrics when the submission portion of the contest ends.

 

All Musers are welcome to submit songs as contestants or score the songs as non-contestants. Any questions or problems should be sent to me (DinoRider) via private message (PM).

 

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Contestant #1

 

Before Yesterday   

 

Its ok
Just walk away

 

Don't turn around 
Don't look back
Slam the door
Don't even pack

 

Don't wait to hear
 what happens next
Not your problem
Don't read the texts

 

Smash the phone
Feel it shatter
Thats the past
It won't matter

 

Where i'm going
It's all brand new
Where All the bad 
Can't follow you

 

These are the words i will say each day
To remind me why I walked away
From the life i had Before yesterday 

 

Before yesterday
Somebody told me 
Before yesterday
Someone controlled me

 

now i wont listen
You're not around
I can't lift you up
You can't bring me down

 

Before yesterday
Somebody told me
Before yesterday
Someone controlled me

 

The sunshine is far too
Bright in the sky
I'm free as a bird
My time to fly

 

Hello tomorrow
Goodbye yesterday

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Contestant #2

 

Before Yesterday

 

V1

I walk down the alleys of my past

Singing the music in my soul

The buildings stand to warn me

My life has gone too damn fast

 

These ancient bones feel cold

The remnants of dear friends

Have a firm hold on me

My memories feel so old
 

PC1

In the landscape of my mind

I see your young smiling  faces

My life is getting so much harder

I tried to do better this time

 

C

Before yesterday

I led you all astray

Forced you to look away

Maybe a lie along the way

I never promised to stay

 

V2

You could not feel my pain
No matter how often I explained

You couldn't share in the blame

For the tragedy of yesterday

 

These ancient bones feel cold

The remnants of dear friends

Have a firm hold on me

Time for me to go

 

PC2

It's so much easier to fall

From the top of a building

Then it is to take the stairs

The bottom stops us all

 

C

Before yesterday

I led you all astray

Forced you to look away

Maybe a lie along the way

I never promised to stay

 

Bridge
Yesterday was not a happy day

I took the fast and fatal way

 

C

Goodbye yesterday

I used to make you smile

Don't worry about yesterday

There is no stepping back

Goodbye yesterday

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Contestant #3

 

Before Yesterday 

 

Verse 1
The time had come to let go of the fear I knew
Must take a stand and not give up, gotta move on through 
It doesn't matter just how long it takes to see 
I should accept who I've become and be happy    
But, now I'm so hard on myself 
There's conflict in me  
That's lost in a sea 
With sunshine that's far too bright
Why do I feel this way? 

 

Chorus

Before yesterday 
I was a shy girl 
Who wanted to stay 
Locked in the four walls of my room 
But now I've made a change 
And I regret who I've become 
I need to go back 

 

Verse 2
Is there a chance for me to find a way to free 
These demons deep inside that I hope the world won't see 
Looked in the mirror one night, sitting all alone
Thoughts spinning round and round, head in the twilight zone 
But, now you're so down on yourself 
Is what I now say
Why am I afraid 
And you used to make me smile 
I'm talking to myself  

 

Chorus

Before yesterday 
I was a shy girl 
Who wanted to stay 
Locked in the four walls of my room 
But now I've made a change 
And I regret who I've become 
I need to go back 

 

<<<<<<Instrumental>>>>>> 

 

Bridge

Then I made a truce with myself
I felt what was me
No longer could be
The past had to merge with today
This is the last curtain call


Chorus

Before yesterday 
I was a shy girl 
Who wanted to stay 
Locked in the four walls of my room 
But now I've made a change 
No longer do I regret

 

Final Chorus

Good bye yesterday
I was a shy girl
Now ready to play
Outside the four walls of my room
And yes I've made a change
No longer will I regret
Where life takes me next

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Since there were only 3 entrants to the challenge, I've decided on a review type scoring format.

 

This is how it should work. Copy/paste the list below.

 

 

1. write an English rock lyric 

2. match the mood of the music

3. match the melody

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"

5. use of random English phrases (optional)

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music)

7. any additional comment

 

Give a score of 1-5 on how well you believe they met that task followed by the reason you gave them the score.

 

i.e.

Contestant 99

 

1. write an English rock lyric

4

Seemed like rock to me because blahblahblah but blahblah.

 

2. match the mood of the music

2

I don't think the puppy dogs with green bows for leashes seemed to fit, also the blahblahblah

 

And so on. I think the scores will give a gauge to how  close/far you were from the task, and the explanations won't have you scratchin your head as to why it was scored that way.

 

 

All Members of the Muse are welcome to score, but please follow the format.

 

Non-contestant voters

If you want so submit a review/score anonymously, send it to me  via PM

 

Please have reviews complete no later than MAY 15 (extended due to my tardiness)

 

 

 

 

 

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Contestant #1

Objectives

 

1. write an English rock lyric 

2

The sparse lines, tight rhythm and don't-look-back riff are mainstay characteristics for rock songs.

 

2. match the mood of the music

2

The re-imagined lyric is defiant and relishes in that attitude. The mood of the original is similar with more of a "here I am, look at me" anthem

 

3. match the melody

3

The melody of this version is shorter than the original but definitely captures the basic guitar riff.

 

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"

2

Could have introduced chorus a tad earlier. Hook diluted by "told me/controlled me" pairing which could be stronger

 

5. use of random English phrases (optional)

3

Worked in a little differently than expected but definitely okay.  

 

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music)

2

The lyric starts off strong with the "It's okay/just walk away" and uses that energy throughout.  It has a "singability." Also liked the ending "hello tomorrow/goodbye yesterday" simple but it works!

 

7. any additional comment

When I first read it, I thought damn this is pretty good. The only thing I can suggest going over the pairings again to see if they can flow a little less predictable. Not a big deal.

Thanks for entering the challenge.

 

Contestant #3

 

1. write an English rock lyric 

2

The attitude is there a well as a shy girl who possibly wins out over her demons. The very root of a rock song: Pull yourself up.

 

2. match the mood of the music

2

The mood of the re-imagined lyric is defiant/coming of age and does it with gusto. The mood of the original is similar with more of a "here I am, look at me" anthem to it.

 

3. match the melody

1

This is the lyrics key strength. This was exceedingly hard to do since Japanese is a syllable intense.

 

 4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"

1

 Spot on with the original.  I think the Before Yesterday hook was underutilized in the original.

 

5. use of random English phrases (optional)

2

Not quite as expected but creative.

 

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music)

2

The content is, for the most part, pretty sharp. but does get a little muddled in the middle/end like a juggler who starts to lose control of his pins before he saves them for the big finish. For example, "four walls" is redundant with room. I'd try "safety" as in "Locked in the (safety) four walls of my room.

 

7. any additional comment

When I first read it, I thought this was near excellent.

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#1:

1. write an English rock lyric ......................................................................................4.0..............sounded more American country

2. match the mood of the music..................................................................................1.5.............break up sound so it matched mood

3. match the melody..................................................................................................4.5.............not even close in my estimation. Much shorter lines than the challenge song.

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"..............................................................1.0.............used in ch.

5. use of random English phrases (optional)................n/a

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music)................1.5..............well written lyric

7. any additional comment..................not sure I understood the challenge but these are my comments.

 

#2:

1. write an English rock lyric ..............................................................................2.5.....Could be rock

2. match the mood of the music..........................................................................3.0 ...I didn't think so this one sounded more R & B

3. match the melody..........................................................................................3.5....v's were close.  Pre-ch, ch and br not so much.

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"......................................................1.0......used

5. use of random English phrases (optional)..........................................................Yes

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music).........1.5.........pretty nice lyric.

7. any additional comment...................................................................................No

 

#3:

1. write an English rock lyric ............................................................................1.5....done

2. match the mood of the music........................................................................1.5....felt the mood

3. match the melody.........................................................................................1.5...extremely close match.  Best of the 3.  Structure was dead on.

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday".....................................................1.0....Yes

5. use of random English phrases (optional).........................................................Yes.  Even incorporated the English lines in the v's - clever.

6. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music)........2.5....could not quite follow the story line in the ch.

7. any additional comment.................................................................................my favorite of the entries.

 

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Contestant # 1's Lyric
1. write an English rock lyric 
3.5  "Lyrically" I thought this lyric worked very well, but I didn't envision a rock tune when reading over and reflecting on the words. 
 

2. match the mood of the music
3.5 Again, I liked the words but didn't get a "rock" genre feel.
 

3. match the melody
4.0  I didn't think the melody matched what I heard in Band Maid's song. As simple as that. Lyric worked quite well indepedent of the Band Maid tune , however. 
 

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"
4.0 -  Title was used in song but not in a way that had me singing or humming it in relation to the lyric.  Could be developed to produce a stronger hook, that I felt was lacking. 
 

5. use of random English phrases (optional)

 

Both 6 & 7 . Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music) & any additional comment
3.5 - I think the lyric is very good. Would it stand on it's own without the music? Don't know, it almost sounds like a Gloria Gaynor song, "I will survive", but maybe that's just me. I think it's singable but not in relation to the tune in the challenge activity. 

 

 

Contestant # 2's Lyric 

 

1. write an English rock lyric 
3.5 -  "Lyrically I thought this worked well in a rock genre. Word choices were good.

 

2. match the mood of the music   
3.5 -  I could imagine the mood in the video and song fitting the English lyrics. 

 

3. match the melody
3.0 -  Fits the melody in certain parts of the song and then breaks from Band maid's song at other parts of song and is not consistent, but for the most part it works and is consistent with melody.

 

4. use existing title/hook "Before Yesterday"
3.5 - Title use and hook work well in the lyric.

 

5. use of random English phrases (optional)

 

6 & 7. Lyrical content (how well the lyric would stand on its own without the music) and any additional comment
3.5
Lyric is good and I think could stand on its own. 

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Contestant 2. 

1. ) 2. Its a rock song

2.) 4 this lyric is depressing  but the video wasn't to me

3.) 2. I think he probably did a good job, more so than contestant 1

4.) 2  

5.) 2   Some

6.) 3.5  ok but yikes was it depressing

7. I don't like suicide songs.  These girls on the video didn't look suicidal  

 

contestant 3.

1.)  2 its a rock song

2.)  3  similar to lyric 1 as to mood

3.)  i think he probably did a good job

4.) 2

5.) 2 some 

6.)  3  ok 

7.) i think contestant 3 wins because he tried to match the melody. Contestant 1 didn't do as good a job on that issue. 3 is also my favorite over 2 because the mood is similar to the vibe i picked up. I was contestant 1 

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That's it For the scorecards!

 

Thanks to the contestants:

 

kuya Contestant #1

 

A Musical Key contestant #2

 

Spanishbuddah contestant #3

 

Congratz on completing the challenge!

 

And our non-contestant voter for the scorecard!

 

Hope everyone had fun!

 

Peace

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Nice job Dino, 

       The primary challenge was to match the new lyric with the music, and admitidly i (contestent 1) did the worst job on that aspect.  Both 2 and 3 were a much closer fit, so congrats to both Musical Key and Spanish Buddha for pulling it off. I too was surprised how underutilized the words before yesterday were in the original lyric.  I counted them afterwards thinking we had all underused those words only to realize bandmaid barely said them compared to us.  

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Thanks to @kuyaand @spanishbuddha for accepting the challenge  on an inspirational  translation "Before Yesterday" by Japanese metal band BAND-MAID.  When SB said he matched the melody, I knew the challenge was on.

As for why my entry was suicidal themed is the very first word in the lyric is "sayonara" which got me thinking the reason for the video was one of the band members was remembering these good times before on their death bed. Then it morphed into the lyric you read. Believe it or not the lyrics took over 40 hours to get to this point and spawned 4 very different songs including a country version.

I thought @DinoRider picked an insanely tough song for this challenge. I got hooked on the song and bought the CD. I was underwhelmed by the rest of the songs but further listening may change that. I also tried to figure out the guitar chords but I can't quite figure them out so I tried CHORDIFY and that provides the chords but not the written lyrics. When I buy into a challenge,  I go all-in.

I'm not sure I'll submit it for comment to the feedback forum, maybe with  a bit more polish.

Thanks to DR, kuya, SB and our non-contestant voter.

Gary

A Musical Key

 

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Thanks, Dino! for running the challenge activity. I enjoyed it!   Band Maid's song has been growing on me ever since I first played it here. I still find myself humming the melody in my head. :P

Congrats & thank you to all the participants who put in the time and effort writing as well as voting/reviewing.

 

Maybe we can do it again sometime in the future. 

 

Cheers!!

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Late to the party.

Again.

 

But not to late to recognise the fantastic value of this kind of challenge.

Absolutely loaded with heuristic potency.

 

And the review-style assessment/commentary is - to me - better than competitive scoring.

 

Much work, Dino - much appreciation and respect.

 

 

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